Woes of a perfectionist..

[whosthisguy]

Update, an hour after posting this: Reading everything I wrote really put everything into perspective for me. It was kinda cathartic. I dumped all of my pills in the toilet and can't get a refill for 2 more weeks. We'll see how I am feeling then.. The thought that my friends think I am on stimulants when I don't actually take them is compelling enough for me..

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve viewed this forum a lot and never really had the motivation to post. I don’t know why, probably because it’s so hard to think about how hard I’ve crashed and burned.

My friends tell me I’m one of the smartest/beautiful/easy to talk to people they know. Little do they know, that’s how I see them and I feel like the black sheep among them all. Do smart people pop an insane amount of Adderall to write a 38-page thesis while neglecting their other courses? I should have failed my last semester of college. I got a D in a class because I was so focused on making my thesis perfect. I had to literally beg the teacher to change my grade. When I was able to convince her to change it, I broke down crying on the phone with her. Not even out of happiness—because I felt so pathetic that I had to manipulate someone because I have a drug problem. Do beautiful men have a 128-pound body? So what if I have a nice face; I am borderline underweight. Do easy to talk to people feel anxious in every single social situation and somehow wing them all?

It wasn’t always this way. At the end of my senior year of high school, I was 2^nd place in superlatives for “Most Likely to Brighten Your Day†and “Most Likely to Succeed.†I felt those were true, too. Now I feel like a shell of my former self. I got prescribed Adderall my sophomore year of college. It made me feel like a superstar. It helped me do better in school and make me feel better about myself overall. Now I feel disgusted with myself when I pop one of those blue pills. When I take it, I become more sullen and less engaged with others. When I don’t take it, I think about taking one and I’m tired. I tried to go off it at the end of the semester because I was so disgusted with myself for almost failing a class… I went 10 days and couldn’t deal with the lethargy.

I want so badly to just dump them down the toilet, but my mentor wants me to submit my thesis for publication. That means I have to do homework all throughout the summer. How will I do it without Adderall? How will I focus during the withdrawals? I’m moving to New York City in September for grad school and I’m PETRIFIED. If I don’t stop taking Adderall now, I’m going to be wandering around campus like a zombie. I know I won’t want to engage with anyone. I want my old self back and it sounds so easy to just dump all of those stupid pills. I didn’t even include how I have ended up in the ER 3 times because I drink with the pills and it makes me not feel the alcohol, even though it’s definitely in my system. I lost my ex because I hyperfocused on my own needs and my schoolwork. There’s so much I could include here. How do you people deal with the lethargy from quitting? How do you deal with knowing that you have so much to get done but no motivation to do it? Should I just dump them all down the toilet and deal with the withdrawals because I will have no other option? I have to get on the phone with my advisor on Monday to talk about my manuscript but I’m scared I will be nodding off to sleep during it if I quit now. I feel like I’m going insane.

[Cassie]

Hi whosthisguy,

If you truly want to quit, us successful quitters will advise you to cut off your supplier/doctor. You said, "I dumped all of my pills in the toilet and can't get a refill for 2 more weeks. We'll see how I am feeling then.." Well, I can tell you how you'll be feeling then - like absolute shit. Like you'd give your left arm for the pills. Recovery is a multi-year process and to think you'll feel better after two weeks is wishful addict thinking. You will absolutely get your prescription filled. I hope I'm wrong, but I'd kind of bet you a million dollars that I'm not.

The way I got through the lethargy and lack of motivation was by lowering my expectations of myself and reducing my obligations. I delegated a lot of tasks to my staff at work, and just did less work in general, accepting that getting fired was a real possibility. I didn't, and no one ever criticized my work performance, which made me realize that on Adderall I wasn't doing near as much work as I thought. It just felt that way. I felt busy all the time, but I was never working efficiently- just spinning my wheels and overthinking everything. Having said that, if you try to do the same work at the same speed after you quit, you will fail. You will not have the energy, the focus or the motivation to do it. That's why I accepted that I would be a lazy sloth and would have to get by doing less work. Because quitting Adderall was my top priority. If it's not your priority - if your work is - then you will fail. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is the truth.

It sounds like your work/school is very important to you right now, but there might not ever be an ideal time to quit. You have to acquiesce to the quitting process if you really want to get off the pills. And that means letting go of your motivation, drive and abilities while your brain heals. That is the price you pay to get you back, the person who doesn't end up in the ER three times and doesn't ruin relationships because of a drug addiction.

[BeHereNow]

My friends tell me I’m one of the smartest/beautiful/easy to talk to people they know. Little do they know, that’s how I see them and I feel like the black sheep among them all.

At the end of my senior year of high school, I was 2^nd place in superlatives for “Most Likely to Brighten Your Day†and “Most Likely to Succeed.†I felt those were true, too. Now I feel like a shell of my former self.

Hi Whosthisguy,

Your friends are probably not lying to you. You ARE obviously smart and talented, and I'm willing to bet that you are beautiful and easy to talk to, too. These are your actual personality traits. It sounds like adderall is ruining these qualities. That's what it often does over the long term. It starts to destroy the same qualities it pretends to enhance.

Adderall also has a way deeply undermining self-confidence. It lies to us. It says, take me and you will be smart, amazing, beautiful, etc. but without me you can't have any of these qualities or achievements. This is a lie. The focus and drive it brings out are also YOU, but a version of you on speed. And the speedy version is less genuine. Adderall undermines confidence because it starts to seem that the adderall, and not YOU, is the source of your beauty, brains, and accomplishments. Again, this is a lie it tells us.

Do smart people pop an insane amount of Adderall to write a 38-page thesis while neglecting their other courses?

Yes. People who take adderall tend to be highly intelligent and driven. Adderall is pretty compelling for smart people because it seems to enhance intelligence and drive. But you're already smart. In fact, I'd be willing to bet you are exponentially smarter without it. If you give yourself the time to recover, and the time to get it done speed-free, you could totally write a 38 or 200 page thesis without adderall. In fact, I'd also be willing to bet your thesis would be better if you wrote it adderall-free. I know this is hard to believe but trust me, you have the smarts. Adderall is just a crappy chemical. YOU are the writer, YOU have the brains.

I’m moving to New York City in September for grad school and I’m PETRIFIED. If I don’t stop taking Adderall now, I’m going to be wandering around campus like a zombie. I know I won’t want to engage with anyone.

You're totally right. The best time for you to quit is NOW, this summer, before you start grad school. If I could help someone learn from any of my mistakes, I would tell them to quit adderall before grad school. I made the huge mistake of resuming/relapsing on adderall at the beginning of grad school. Because like you, I was petrified. I thought I needed it for the work load and I thought I wasn't smart enough without it. What happened? I was hyperfocused on some projects at the expense of others. So hyperfocused that I started losing my ability to complete anything. I was PARALYZED by social anxiety. (I too ruined a great relationship because I was so hyperfocused.) I was a zombie who was afraid to engage with any of my peers or professors. I cannot even begin to convey the damage this has done to my career. I lost out on so many potential friendships, so many chances to interact with amazing and brilliant people. I was miserable and almost dropped out. Now that I've quit, I'm slowly rebuilding my social life (and I don't have much of one because I spent all that time tweaked out, "too busy" and isolating myself.) But the damage is already done, and there's only so much damage control I can do after spending 2.5 years like that. Your social connections are just as important to your career as your thesis.

Not to mention that quitting halfway through was about a million times harder than it would have been if I had quit earlier on.

I'm emphasizing all this because first you need to truly want to quit. After that, you can start strategizing how to do work without adderall. Yes, it's going to suck for awhile but there are concrete steps you can take, and people here can help you figure out some strategies. But first, you need to commit to quitting and cut yourself off from your adderall sources.

I can tell that you don't want to ruin your experience and career by continuing this adderall path. It only gets worse. It will eventually start destroying your writing and research, too. Trust me on this, I followed that path to rock bottom and you do not want to go there. You're too smart and beautiful to ruin yourself and your career over this horrible drug.

[whosthisguy]

Wow, thank you guys so much. The first reply was very straightforward and blunt (the type of person I can tend to be) while the second was very empathic and from a place that resonated with me. I deeply appreciate both of your replies.

 

I came on here because I had the thought, "What if I just refilled when I got to school and used it for assignments? Or to go out and have fun in the city on speed?" That's such addict thinking and you both basically said what I was thinking before I thought it. It's seriously the addiction talking... some of my friends are on it and I do think it helps with their "ADHD" and it's sorta helping them... I guess... even though I think they seem kind of emotionally distant without it.

 

I live close to the beach and had a lot of fun with my friends this weekend there and they said they had a great time with me and I felt they were genuine. We really don't need to have a drug to enjoy ourselves or to let our natural selves shine. I will definitely look at your replies to me and other posts on this forum when I'm feeling low. 

[LILTEX41]

Awe, that is so great! See your friends saw they're real friend this weekend. So happy for you!