My story as I tell it....

[RandomSQ]

2004: 25yr old female lands a great job at a Fortune 500 company; gets married to her sons father; buys new car; went on vacation.

EVERYTHING IS GREAT!

and then...........

Jan 2009... 31yr old recently separated female with an 8yr old son living with her mother

.

Mar 2009...finalizing divorce; crash car; living in Moms basement and my son HATES it so he doesn't want to stay with me; boss calls me into her managers office and wants me to explain how I went from being the star employee to the worst employee? I cry and explain I have no idea but I went from super focused in 2007 to no focus within months and I figured it was from everything I was currently going through. I made an appt with a psychologist and was prescribed adderall. Was I impulsive? Yes too impulsive. Was I hyper? Yes for as long as I can remember. Etc etc.....

Apr 2009.... I thought wow I must really have ADHD cause now I am getting back on track. Getting work done and making progress again, getting warm out so my boy wants to come by me so we can go outside now vs hanging out in my moms basement. I meet the most wonderful perfect man for me!

EVERYTHING IS GREAT AGAIN!

and then.......

June 2010.....friends start questioning if I am doing cocaine, my perfect man starts reacting to my sudden reclusiveness and staying up all night by questioning if I am cheating on him. The strain is felt by my son and he starts avoiding long stays with me again ......(adderallic)

July 2010.....I am abusing my script of adderal and have been for a couple months to the point that I feel nothing. Work starts turning sour again, I start missing too many days, and I, in an induced adderal stupid moment, blow up everything! Next thing I know I am living with an old ass man that doesn't give to shits about me, I have literally broken my perfect man in two, and I find myself avoiding my son cause I can't even explain to him what happened......(adderallic)

Aug 2010.....depressed, confused, scared, lost and out of adderall.....I reached out to the perfect man I met in Apr and within 24 hrs I am back where I belong and we talk the whole night and he forgives me after I literally breakdown and let everything out. I quit the adderall......I can feel again!

Oct 2010...... We get married

Feb 2011.......We get pregnant

June 2011......I get laid off but I get a free ride to go back to school, which I choose to do.

Oct 2011........baby boy is born

Jan 2012........I start school and quickly realize I am overwhelmed with everything! School full time, a growing baby, an impressionable Pre-teen, lack of sleep, family & friend obligations so I figure I could go back on adderall, and be responsible this time, even get the IR form instead of the XR so I could control the dosing. (Adderallic Again)

From Jan 2012 till now, I have been back & forth with my emotions, I am a raging lunatic at one point about the stupidest thing and fine the next. I am abusing my meds again!!

I did mange to stop for over 30 days, my hubby and I planned for it last time. He let me lay around and he picked up the slack. Until July 8th when I had a melt down because I couldn't concentrate to take a certification test.....that's when hubby said I could take it if I had to till school was done. That was it. I popped that 30mg pill in my mouth last Friday and I have checked out. I am sooooo mad at myself. I am now that hyped out Adderallic! Barely any sleep in the last week and not eating appropriately makes my eyes sunk in horribly and I have bad color to my skin, my eyes are all wigged out, and I have lost myself again when I worked so damn hard to get me back!

It's 4am and I have been typing this for an hour cause it made sense in my adderallic world, have not gone to sleep yet and probably won't till tonight bedtime if I can. I wish that doctor never gave me this damn drug, as I KNOW, I will never be the same. My husband asked me two days ago if I was taking more than prescribed and I told him no. The next morning he ordered me to give him my med so he could dispense to me correctly and he'd hang on to it but I freaked out on him and refused so he just makes comments and includes disappointing looks my way. I hate myself on days/nights like this and now I start figuring out when will I run out so I can detox and start again. GRrrr.......if I could cry right now I would!

Please give me the strength to quit it for good this time.

[whosthisguy]

You've already said yourself that Adderall is doing nothing good for you. You say you spent an hour typing that out and it makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me. You are in a heart-wrenching struggle of addiction and it goes in a cycle. You've got to break the cycle and you've made the first step coming here. You need to call your doctor and tell him never to prescribe it to you again. A lot of people on the forums have said that and it looks like you need to do that. I haven't done it yet and maybe I should take my own advice, but I think you should at least flush your stash or let your husband ween you off. Adderall tends to make you explode on those you hold most dear.

[BeHereNow]

Hi and welcome RandomSQ,

 

Thanks for sharing your story!   Sounds like you've been through a lot, and it also sounds like you know you need to quit. 

 

So what factors are stopping you?

 

If it's a matter of access, then cutting yourself off in any way necessary (flushing the pills, asking your dr to stop prescribing) is crucial.

 

You asked for strength...... but based on your story, I can tell you are an extremely strong, powerful person.  Like many of us, you just got caught up in a very powerful, very addictive and seductive drug.  A drug that pretends to offer even more strength to people who already have it all within them.  (Its a liar.)  

 

I can tell that you already have the strength in you.  You have all the power you need to do this.  And a supportive loving partner who will help you through.

 

Are you ready to quit? 

 

Do you WANT to?

 

Are the costs of taking adderall outweighing the benefits?   How is it affecting your relationships?  Your identity?

 

You've quit before, so you know the deal.   You know what withdrawals are like, and you DO know how to say no.  All those times you've quit before are like practice for when you quit for real: when you quit forever and never turn back.

 

It sounds to me like it's your time, but it's up to you.  Are you ready to quit for real and forever?  To never look back, no matter what?   To reclaim YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE?