You're all just like me...

[Pandasparkles]

Okay, recklessly broad generalization there. I apoligize.

But that's what it feels like. Everyone here has their own stories, different reasons they started using, different reasons for wanting to quit, etc. But everyone here is here because they're coping with the same struggle I am, the struggle I've been desperately trying to deny for the past year because I feel like if I admit it even just to myself I could lose everything and everyone I care about... I guess in my generally sheltered and naiive mind, that's just kind of the option for people who get addicted to things. That is the archetype 'addict'. Addicts don't get happy endings, they get... more addicted, and then I don't know. Not anything good. Lonliness. Hopelessness. Probably tenfold whatever they were running from in the first place and more. Pop pills, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect 200$. Do not achieve genuine happiness. That's how it works, right? So I haven't talked to anyone about my issue, not even the therapist I was seeing. I've tried quitting on my own maybe three times (under the self-imposed guide of 'oh, I'm just taking a long tolerance break because I'm not REALLY an addict!), which is a bunch of bullshit. Try sleeping sixteen hours a day when your parents have grown acoustemed to you requiring only six hours of sleep and a light meal to handily and cheerfully conquer any list of tasks place before you. Like, when did their daughter get so lazy? And why can't she just snap out of it? If they were on board and helping me things might be easier but out of everyone I know, I'm most terrified of talking about it with my parents, which is saying something.

But you guys exist, and some of you are really struggling right now, but you're still trying. You have hope and willpower . Some of you made it and you're doing amazing stuff with your lives. That's awesome. Like... I'm honestly really inspired. I guess I can't really have believed that I was the only one with this problem, but when you're afraid your life is going to shit and you feel like you can't talk to anyone you imagine the worst, until some perspective and objectivity comes along and smacks you upside the head. I thought I was trapped and alone and the situation was impossible but just knowing there are people out there grappling with the addy monster and winning makes me realize that I can do it too, and that I'm not a terrible person or a failure for having to try in the first place. I'm still not sure what my plan for the future is, aside from getting back into therapy. I just know my use pattern right now is unsustainable and probably hurting me in ways I don't even see yet. But this site has awesome resources and a lot of reassurance that quitting, and life after cessation, IS possible, which is more than I had going for me a few hours ago.

I'm sorry for ranting. Like I said, I really don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life... I just wanted to let some things out. If you made it this far, I also wanted to say thank you for reading, and for posting your own thoughts and story, if you have. I'm just a random internet stranger to you but I really needed to see this website today, and it means a lot to me.

[quit-once]

Welcome to quittingadderall, Pandasparkles.  You said one thing that really resonated with me - that your "use pattern is unsustainable".  For me, it was that realization of unsustainability that made my decision to quit very clear.  I began to formulate a plan for quitting after I realized I could not take adderall for the rest of my life, and that it was damaging my body and my mind.  Have you given any thought for making your own plan to quit, and how you might go about it, and when?  

[Pandasparkles]

Yeah, I've tried to quit cold turkey and by titrating off. Cold turkey was problematic because I just couldn't keep up with external expectations of me and I didn't know how to deal with that... I'm a student and I have a hard time in school (and honestly life in general) to begin with. When I went off it it was like everyone was ALWAYS made at me and pressuring to do more, more, more and all I wanted to do was sleep and laugh and eat yummy things and sleep more. I wasn't so much terribly depressed as comfortable and unmotivated, which is not a good way to be as a college student. I failed two classes as a result of being off for a while last semester. I also tried titrating off but that didn't work either because despite not having to really deal with withdrawals, I honestly think the stuff makes me reckless and stupid. Quitting cold turkey it's like... 'oh yeah, that's why I want to quit this!' But titrating off means I'm still on it and I tend to make less careful descisions on it, like... redosing. =\ I just feel so stuck. I wish I could find the willpower to tirate off without failing at it. So I'm not sure what kind of plan to try next.

[Cassie]

I would quit during a period when you can get away with slacking off for a little while. I had a full time 9-5 job at a college that I had to continue showing up at, so I quit mid December when finals would be over and students would be trickling out. I worked for a week of withdrawal, then had two weeks of planned vacation in which I cemented myself to the couch, then another slow two weeks of work after that when students were still gone. So, I really eased my way back into work. It still sucked pretty bad for the first 3-4 months. I was lazy and worthless and paranoid about getting fired, but I didn't. During that time, I really learned the meaning of the Woody Allen quote, "80% of life is just showing up." It is so true. Don't even worry about not being motivated. All you have to do is show up. Show up for class, show up for study sessions in the library, or whatever. Just TRUDGE. Other people aren't noticing your laziness and lack of motivation as much as you are, because it's magnified only to you.

 

On that note, I would seriously suggest quitting cold turkey while at the same time severing ties to all of your Adderall sources - doctor and whatever side dealers you may have. This way you won't have a choice but to show up and do whatever you have to do without the pills, however half-assedly. When you don't have a choice about getting something done - and your supply of Adderall is gone forever - your brain will do this amazing thing and get it done anyway, especially if there's a last minute procrastination adrenaline element to it. You must give yourself no other option but to either do it on your own, or not do it at all. That's how you will recover.
 

As for your parents, I get not wanting to tell them. I didn't live with my parents but I'm close with them and I had a hang-up with them knowing I was a drug addict, so I avoided telling them. I'm sure your parents would be supportive, but if you don't want to tell them I don't think you have to. If they question your sleeping or laziness, you can always tell them you're sick, or coming off an anti-depressant or something. It helps if you have someone to talk to though, so maybe consider telling a friend or two along with your therapist.

 

I also tried to quit about three times before I quit for good a year and a half ago. Those attempts will serve as good practice for the time it really sticks. Once you quit for good and the months/years start to fly by, you will look back at this addiction and quitting hell as just a sub-chapter in your life. Take care,
 

[Pandasparkles]

Thanks Cassie, that's really helpful advice.

I'd like to just leave a couple of questions here in case someone has good answers. I'm sorry for rambling so much... I'm just really worked up about this today and spewing emotionally -____-

1) What about managing my ADHD even after withdrawal symptoms stop? I originally sought medication because I was headed off to college after many, many years of being in alternative education programs or out of school altogether, which was a result of behavior problems I had since I was a young child that eventually I guess got unmanageable. My parents gave me the option to medicate when I was ten and I said no, and I sort of feel like I missed a lot of oppurtunities as a result (and my parents had their hands pretty full). What can I use to help myself when this thing that worked well against my more annoying ADHD symptoms has become an object of abuse for me? I feel sort of hopeless about the future if I have to revert to my pre-medicated self. Lots of things about sober me are great but in general, I recall it being a frustrating life. Everything, even things that seem so little and basic, felt like a complete miserable slog all the time except for vegetating or the random, manic inspiration fueled projects that I usually wouldn't finish. My life was just full of all this half finished stuff, and my head was full of ideas that I just tried to ignore after a while because I couldn't depend on myself to follow through with anything, even things I liked doing. I wish I had always just taken my meds as directed and not given in to curiosity, then maybe they would have helped me and I would be fine right now... I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to quit, but... what next? I want to get a master's degree in counseling psychology and practice psychotherapy but honestly, I don't think I can get through upper division college courses sober, let alone graduate level courses. Hell, sober I can't do the dishes without being reminded five times.

2) Tips for managing quitting with my boyfriend? I haven't been seeing him for long but we really click and I kind of feel like this is the real deal, something worth holding on to... I mean I know if he can't deal with this aspect of me, I need to let it go, but... mer! Can I just not tell him? I'd like to be honest with him but I'm terrified of having everything change at the same time (we break up/I quit pills/whatever fallout from both) I honestly have no idea how he'd react if I gave him information about it, or how to broach that topic, or for that matter, how to deal if he's not on board because like one of the articles about relationships on this site said, it's kind of looking like he's one of the only things I'll have in my life in the 'personal happiness/life is worth living' slot for a while without my magic don't-give-a-fuck pills. For the record, he knows I have a prescription, but not how heavily I abuse it. I know if I quit, my reward is getting to be completely honest with him and guilt free, and spending more time on him, too. And I think he will like the sober me, once I get over whatever withdrawals I have.

[whosthisguy]

I'm only 24 days sober and I'm having some of the same thoughts as you. What is my work quality going to be like once I go back to school? By the way, I'm also in psychology. I am going for my Master's in experimental psychology. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about staring at SPSS (our love, right?) off Adderall. But there was a time back in high school when I was myself--off the medicine. I laughed a lot, I was a goofball, and I did alright in school. You will get back to your old self, too. You obviously were able to make it into college, even if you were in alternative programs prior. Maybe you have matured since then and gotten your shit together. Don't put it ALL on the medicine; it was YOU who did it. 

 

Also, let me tell you something. My use got so bad in my last year of undergrad that I failed cognitive psychology. I straight up failed the course. WHILE I WAS PULLING ALL NIGHTERS ON ADDERALL. I was so hyperfocused on my thesis that I literally didn't care about a class that didn't relate to me. I was not even like that a year before. I was in the honors program with above a 3.7 (not after my last two semesters lol). I'm warning you--you might just spiral. You might spiral and hit rock bottom. I walked into the final exam for cognitive and the professor asked me if I was okay. Why? Because I was up all night on Adderall, cracked out, sending her messages about how worried I was. Oh--I had deep bags under my bloodshot eyes and I was barely walking straight. And I reeked of cigarettes. I was a mess!!! I had to BEG her to give me a C in the class so I could move to NYC for my experimental program. I'm almost begging you to quit now--don't you think you will be the fakest therapist ever on Adderall? I know I thought about that ALL the time (I am in an Exper masters but applied to clinical PhDs). Your body language is very reduced on Addy and you would not be so genuine.

 

Also, you have to tell your boyfriend. Are you just going to tell him that you're sleeping for hours, binging, and feeling like lying around on the couch just because you've made a life change? No... Relationships are about oppeness, and if you can't be open with him, there's going to be a big ass elephant in the room. He should be supportive. You don't turn into an überbitch when you quit the pills, so don't worry. Just remind him that you will be going through this for a little bit. It should make you guys stronger because you'll be able to see him as someone who was there for you during a rough time.

 

I wish you the best and flush the rest!

[Brandy76]

Hey Panda welcome to the board i'm new here too and only tried to quit once that lasted a week. But I'm just like you that no one knows i'm on it or the few who I did tell I told them I no longer take it.

 

It's so nice to have the forum here where others can relate and not look down on us.  As someone said, about body language on addy there's no hiding that especially to a therapist. 

 

There's times where I know I'm bouncing off the walls at a social function.  Recollecting these times I've found myself uttering this same excuse to whoever was around staring at me funny "OMG guys I can't belieive I took too many fat burners so late in the day, I completely misdosed it, now I'm so amped up". 

 

If I'm in a party setting like a bar or bday party and on it, I'm bouncing off the walls the life of the party, but also very fidgety and someone once said "you just walked away from me while I was talking to you" I become unfocused.....But at work in a corporate setting I'm not going up to random mgt talking to them, but I'm super focused on task at hand.  It's strange how it adjusts.

 

Anyway welcome to the board, I will be following along your journey

[Pandasparkles]

Thanks everyone who dropped in to say hi to me... I really appreciate everyone's stories and advice. Brandy, are you still trying to quit? I was sober for a month not too long ago and the first week was utter brutality. =( It would have been exponentially better I think if I had been able to have zero responsibilities just for that month, but real life came a-knocking like it usually does and I just caved. What did it for you?
 
So... today; haven't quit yet. I took a couple days taking only my prescribed dose (with which my abuse-created tolerance is basically just enough to allow me to be marginally functional) and one day completely sober, which felt like a victory to me. But, the fact that that's a 'victory' to me at this point in my life just makes me feel like complete shit.

I know that the only way to REALLY kick it and have a chance of actually sticking with it is to get rid of everything. I'll run out eventually anyway. I just. Can't. Do it. I'm terrified of what will happen... During the days I was on low doses/sober I managed to completely piss off my housemate by skipping all my chores and leaving all my dishes etc all over the house for two days. I know that shouldn't seem like a big deal but in my head that little stuff just spirals into ever bigger catastophe. If I can't keep my housecleaning shit together, I'll annoy my housemate... and eventually she won't want to live with me anymore... so I won't have anywhere to live... then I'll have to deal with uncertain living conditions and try to pass college classes while in withdrawals... and fail out of school... and have to move back home and fail my entire life, etc. It's the scary anxiety pit of doom! You can't see the bottom so you're not quite sure how far you'll fall, and that makes jumping in much, much worse. On the other hand, the boyfriend seemed relatively unphased by my continuous sleeping and, I imagine, the expression of utter abjection and hopelessness I must have been sporting. I don't have to guts to tell him what's going on but I kinda wonder sometimes if he figured it out on his own and is just avoiding transgressing my boundaries and trying to let me sort it out and get around to talking to him when I'm ready. He's rather clever, he tends to notice details, and we're together basically every day so, I don't know... possible.

On the plus side; made some damn good waffles while off the addy AND hungover. As silly as it sounds, I didn't think I had it in me. I guess if you just do one thing after the other, no matter how you're feeling or how tedious it seems or how much you only want to go back to bed, and just maintain the sequence until you're done... you win. Those waffles tasted like willpower, and it was delicious.

Oh, something else cool. On my sober day I cried in front of my boyfriend. I know that being terrified of emotional vulnerability is probably one of the reasons I got addicted to this shit in the first place, but being openly emotional enough to cry on someone's shoulder felt damn good. I forgot about that. And nothing exploded or became awkward.

I hope everyone is having a lovely day.

[Cat]

You have to remember that most people aren't judging you by the harsh/high standards you have for yourself. It might seem like you are letting down your roommate/boyfriend/professor/the world by slacking off and not doing the dishes, but it's really not the case.

 

My boyfriend who I live with never knew about adderall and still doesn't, even through my quitting. To me it was like black and white: the girl who could get by on 4-5 hours of sleep a night while working a high level job, keeping the house immaculate, and being social suddenly just crashed. Could barely get out of bed. Didn't do laundry or chores for weeks. You know what? He barely mentioned anything. I passed off the fatigue by saying I had insomnia (which was true) for about a week, and then gradually just started washing my own dish and putting it in the dishwasher and doing a chore here and there. I was okay with a less-than-sparkling kitchen and so was he. I showed up at my job and no one was the wiser. 

 

You'll hit bottom in a week or two. It's mostly uphill from there. Just remember that. There are bad days and good days, but eventually the good days outnumber the bad, and you know what? They are better than any day on adderall.

[Pandasparkles]

Cat; Thanks, I found your post really motivating. Do you ever wonder if your boyfriend knew, or knew something was going on, and just kinda had the confidence in you to let you figure it out?

[kori]

Wow panda seriously, thanks for Sharing that. I can totally relate. I recently quit for two weeks but with my addictive personality and the excuse that its legal I picked it up again. however I am determined to quit. so much that I refuse to make a follow up appointment with my doctor because I want to cut off my "supply".

I have so much anxiety and insomnia I really shouldve never even considered a stimulant but I wanted to lose weight and I convinced myself I had all the symptoms of add and I was the perfect candidate.

now in retrospect I see its so impossible to keep taxing my body like this and depriving myself of sleep joy peace nourishment and basically a balanced diet. lets face it...we may lose the weight. but we look and feel unhealthy the majority of the time, and essentially live pseudo lives. well that was definitely a rant, hope it wasnt too scatter brained as I'm going on literally no sleep.

what is your status as of now?