I can't believe I'm posting this

[infinitya]

Hey guys. Before I start: I'm already assuming I'll end up writing a lot down here, and I know this thread could easily be skipped over, but please bear with me because I desperately need some guidance and insight.

 

I'm surprised at myself for even being here, but I felt the need to reach out since I am. 

 

I started adderall xr when I was 17. I'm 21 now. Before adderall, I had my ups and downs with antidepressants from some depression I struggled with, but that's all. I don't know if I actually have anything close to ADD (I did have trouble in class with daydreaming constantly and adderall did help, but again, who knows). At the time, my main motivation for getting on it was the weight loss. I was 17 at the time and not even fat, but had bad self image and also a tiny bit of "baby fat" that I thought would never go away, so I lied my way into getting a prescription for adderall xr (30 mg/day).  

 

Shortly after, I went back and got a new script for 30 mg twice a day (one in the morning, one later in the afternoon) cause I felt it coming off later in the day and got the tired/hazy feeling without the second pill. Obviously, I did lose weight, but I never was big in the first place (the highest weight I ever was: 5'4 125 lbs, and I credit that to just being young and not losing the baby fat yet). I didn't end up scarily thin either (5'4 & 110 lb afterwards -- also, the appetite suppression thing obviously wears off if you don't keep upping the dosage, so that suppression hasn't been  applicable to me for years).

 

Anyway, from age 17 til now at 21, I'm still on the 30 mg/twice a day schedule. I don't feel a "high" or extra boost from it anymore obviously, but maintain the normal schedule to keep balanced (obviously if I just stopped one day, I would feel hazy, tired, and disoriented -- when I take it, it's just feeling "normal" and not anything like being high or hyped up). I'm 107 lb currently, but any weight loss I have had recently is from my own healthy eating habits and getting off birth control.

 

Anyway, my point is, I'm on the stuff but just to keep normal now. I regret being stupid when I was younger and putting my body into dependance on the drug in the first place, but now I'm here. I do feel I concentrate much better in my classes since taking adderall, and haven't abused or raised my dosage since the initial time in the first few months 4 years ago.

 

I recently quit smoking and got off birth control because I want to be as healthy and free from depending on anything outside of my own body. With my background info, do you think I should get off adderall? Like I said, I don't actively abuse it anymore and it's more of needing to maintain the equilibrium I put myself in years ago. Because I know I have self control with the stuff, I know I can taper off slowly if I wanted to.

 

My main fear: weight gain. I am terrified of getting off and having my body plummet from the change after all my hard work in eating healthier and not crash dieting and all that crap (that I used to do when I was younger). If I have weight gain, I know myself and my issues, and it would easily trigger horrible depression with me and I feel stuck.

 

Would tapering off very slowly (reducing by 5 milligrams every other week) negate any possible weight gain I might have? My adderall is time released (XR), so they are in capsules filled with tiny beads, so I would have to open the capsules and reduce the amount of beads in there little by little to taper off, correct?

 

Anyway, I would be thrilled to read any insight/advice/personal results relating to my question that people give me here. After dealing with the major depression I had after getting off antidepressants a year or so ago, the task of getting off adderall seems so impossible. All that is stopping me is the weight angle. So main question -- tapering off very slowly: would it negate that side effect? But also, your advice is greatly appreciated. I'm not even sure if I should get off or not since I do notice legitimate improvements in attention years after the "high" wears off. I don't know though. 

 

For those of you who read this, THANK YOU. I pray you guys can guide me in the right direction here. 

[Jon]

_{Hi Infinityya and welcome to the forum,}

 

_{Thank you for sharing your story. Read Mike's article "Now to Wean Yourself off Adderall" under the how to quit adderall tab from the home page. Many of your questions are addressed there.}

_{If you happened to gain some weight while quitting adderall, who cares, if long term health is ultimately your goal? You can drop any extra weight, in an honest way, by exercising and eating right, like you are doing now.}

 

_{I know....I know, the shortcut is always more appealing. If you really want to quit, you have come to the right place for support. That said, you alone, must make the decision to quit. No one can make that decision for you.}

[BeHereNow]

I will say this much:  You can't stay on adderall forever.  It is an unsustainable way of maintaining your weight.  Besides, you said it, you're not even overweight--you're probably pretty tiny.

 

Most people do gain a little weight when they quit.  It's different for everyone though.  I've actually lost around 10 lbs since I quit.  Adderall made my metabolism drop to next to nothing since I literally wasn't eating.  Plus I was being sedentary and drinking too much beer.   Now I eat really healthy, raw produce is the base of my food pyramid, I work out, and my metabolism magically went right back up when my body realized I wasn't starving anymore.   But that's me, and I was a pretty extreme case.

 

Anyway, after years of experimenting, I've realized the best way to maintain weight is a sustainable lifestyle, to keep your weight relatively stable.  You're probably not going to have that script forever (and would you want to be on adderall for the rest of your life?) so I'd say you might as well start thinking about other ways.   My 2 cents.

[Cat]

Echoing what occasional01 and quit once said. It sounds like you care about your long-term health, and adderall is not a healthy or sustainable way of staying thin. 

 

Are you already in the habit of exercising regularly and eating a healthy diet? If so, if you maintain that lifestyle after quitting I doubt you will gain much weight, if any.Tapering might be a good idea in that case if it allowed you to keep your regular schedule of activity. I wouldn't know because I quit cold turkey.

 

In my experience after quitting cold turkey about 7 months ago, I gained a small amount of weight (maybe 10 lbs) in the immediate aftermath when I could barely get out of bed, let alone go for a workout. I have been working out sporadically over the past few months and probably lost 5 lbs. I am naturally thin but the remaining 5 lbs still bothers me so now I'm exercising more regularly - running 5x a week and light weights. I'm pretty confident that I'll get back to the same weight as when I took adderall, and in fact will look better because it will be muscle tone instead of fat-skinny, plus I will be creating a lifelong healthy habit of exercising. Wins all around.

 

If you want to quit then stick around here, lots of support on this forum!

[infinitya]

Thanks for the posts, guys. I already read all the articles on the site, and I'm debating on whether or not to just quit cold turkey or taper off slowly (reducing by 5 mg every 2 weeks).

 

My main question still remains about this and the weight angle though. Wouldn't tapering off extremely slowly like what I'm describing pretty much get rid of the weight gain? It would seem like the body would be able to adapt much better this way. I don't exercise but I do eat healthy. I think the adderall actually makes it harder for me to exercise, because I lose my breath very easily. 

[Jon]

Infinitya said on7/30/2013 at 01:36 AM

 

My main question still remains about this and the weight angle though. Wouldn't tapering off extremely slowly like what I'm describing pretty much get rid of the weight gain?

 

 

 

I’m sorry, Infinitya, the answer is NO. Very slow tapering does not guarantee you will avoid weight gain. Everyone is unique and therefore everyone's recovery is unique. The only way to test your hypothesis lies in experimentation. Try tapering down .5mg for 2 weeks and share with us the results.

 

Maintaining one’s ideal weight is everyone’s dream and making your dreams come true originate from virtues like determination, perseverance, hard work, and sacrifice and lifestyle choices.

 

There is no magic pill with ever-lasting effect. Our human bodies and minds are simply not strong enough to sustain Adderall use indefinitely.

 

 

[BeHereNow]

I don't exercise but I do eat healthy. I think the adderall actually makes it harder for me to exercise, because I lose my breath very easily. 

 

Infinitya, it sounds like you have your answer.  Either way you choose to quit (tapering or cold turkey), the key is probably gonna be to swap adderall for exercise.   What an amazing trade!

 

Towards the end, adderall made it harder for me to exercise too.  I was always scared I was going to have a heart attack.    It's not the same for everyone but for a lot of people quitting helps make exercise more of a priority.  

 

More exercise --> more muscle tone and strength --> higher metabolism --> minimal weight gain and a TONED body.   

 

Maybe once you reduce your dosage a bit, you could start adding some light exercise to the mix gradually?  While you taper one down, you taper the other up?   Like Jon said you'll have to see what works for you.    But first, you have to be committed to quitting. 

[infinitya]

You're right, and I totally know the what you mean when you say you feel like you might have a heart attack! Honestly, the weakness/shortness of breath thing was something I didn't expect at all and has really limited my exercise/physical stuff (not that I'm particularly athletic, but still, it was impossible to do if I wanted to). 

 

Well, you guys helped me make me decision. I just got back from the doctor's after telling her my decision and started tapering down 5 mg every 2 weeks starting today! I will make sure to update. Thanks guys. I really randomly stumbled into this site and it was a good turning point. I never really confronted my own adderall use before. 

 

xoxoxo

[BeHereNow]

Congrats Infinitya, it's a hard choice to make!   Hope you stick around here.  This site has been crucial for my quitting process, and that's true for many other people here too

[Jon]

Great Infinitya! You have made a positive step in healing. Sticking around the forum is good medicine. It's been my inspiration and salvation and you see it has been true for Occaisional01 too. Many others will chime in as you make progress. I'm glad you summoned the courage to start.  Please keep us posted on your progress. Thank you.  You made my day!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Infinitya, 

 

I'm sorry you are putting your body through that terrible pain just to feel ok about yourself in public/the mirror.  

 

I, too, began taking adderall partially for weight loss.  And i went through all though all the things you said, and I quit and yes, gained weight. 

 

The biggest, most important lesson for me about adderall and weight is that well, it really isn't about the weight after all.  It's about self acceptance.  Self loathing, like relationships, or trust, is something built up over time in small little moments.  One day someone says something to us that makes us frown and think, "really? I never realized I was like that... I must have something wrong with me".  And then we become a little more sensitive to hearing it again, and then we start looking for evidence in ourselves that we are, indeed, not normal or there is something wrong with us.  We become convinced of it.  

 

When I first moved to NYC about 10 years ago, I would walk down 5th Ave and just stare at all these statuesque, beautiful (but harsh-looking) women.  I wondered how they all got like that... I mean, all of them, everywhere!  How did NYC breed such effortlessly beautiful, well dressed women?  But still, I said to myself I would not get manicures every week, wouldn't bleach my hair, wouldn't spend all my money on shoes and skincare and blowouts.  Well, here I am 10 years later with perfectly manicured hands and platinum hair.  One bedroom of my apartment was turned in to a wardrobe, and I cannot count all my shoes.  

 

My point about all of this is that if we allow ourselves to listen to the constant downgrading of ourselves that happens at every moment, we will lose our self esteem.  I was more insecure at 38 than I ever was at 28.  Why?  because I allowed myself to listen to the voices around me, and to compare myself with others, and develop a perfectionistic mindframe that eventually led me to adderall.  

 

The ironic thing is that even though I was skinny, I aged about 5 years in 2.  People from a couple of years ago that I run in to now say how tired I look (even post adderall) and that I need a vacation, even if I'm feeling fine.  

 

So for you, my dear friend, because you are so young and you have so much traveling of life's journey ahead of you, challenge you to look beyond the immediate question to the stuff that's lying just beneath it... that's the source of your insecurities, your pain.  Adderall, xanax, boyfriends, haircuts, study, music, film won't make that go away.  You just have to find the time and courage to go to your darkest place and learn to like yourself again.

 

Sorry for the lecture, and yes, I am telling my own story.  I'm facing this every day, and I've been clean for months.  

 

Love, 

Another tortured woman.  xx

[infinitya]

No need to apologize. I definitely get what you mean. I'm more angry with putting myself in this position out of a foolish and immature decision I made when I was younger. It just seems like I'm constantly having to destabilize my equilibrium recently. It's been a constant "quitting" phase (antidepressants and the subsequent massive depression from the withdrawal, smoking, etc) that never stays for long!