Just Checking In After a While It seems

[catw66]

Hi -

 

Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I've been thinking about you all here, though, and how much I like this community.

 

Not sure what happened but the Adderall withdrawal is still chugging along. I think I have about a month now? Not sure. I need to figure it out. I got caught up with a couple of other health issues and this one seemed to take a back seat for a bit.

 

I have been very up and down, but overall, I feel ditching the Adderall was totally a worthwhile thing to do. The depression and very serious lack of motivation I was feelling and really bad headaches are slowly but surelty starting to abate. I'm still not all there mentally as in my brain just doesn't want to "complete the algorithm" at times and I find myself still shutting down and still feeling that tiredness as if I was still on the stuff. The difference is one of degree, however. 

 

My appetite is much better which is nice as I feel I can enjoy food again. The severe withdrawal spaciness and fatigue has gotten better, but then again, fatigue was one of the reasons I was put on this drug, so it's not like my energy is suddenly great, just more focused and sustainable. I can't believe how utterly deadened I was feeling most of the time after a while on Adderall.

 

In fact, the fatigue of everything was a lot worse while on it than off - kind of like if I thought things with depression and fatigue were bad before Adderall, then I had no way of knowing for almost three years or so that they would be getting a lot worse because of adderall, not in spite of it.

 

I had an appt. with a neurospcyhiatrist last week to be evaluated for ECT as I was still sinking into some severe lows though starting to have a couple of good days here and there. Since I went to see him during a good day, he didn't just jump at the chance to put me on his schedule. He listened carefully to everything I said and especially the part where I explained asking myself about two months ago, what changed that made the depression so much worse?

 

I had always assumed it was the final breakup with the narcissist I had endured over a year ago, but honestly the severe seasonal depressions were getting that much more severe shortly after I started Cymbalta and then Adderall not too long after. So this doctor told me that quite frankly yes, the medications could have been making my depression worse over the years after all and that his suggestion was to start weaning myself off the Cymbalta as well and see how I feel.

 

I was suddenly very anxious that he was taking the ECT off of the table, but he said no, "We let the patient decide that," as he had gotten a referral from my doctor in Colorado anyway. He said I would need to be off of that anyway before any ECT treatments were going to happen.

 

As well, he is the first psychiatrist ever to admit to me that yes, perhaps all my 30 years straight on one psych med or another has worsened my depression over time as that can happen and as well, they are now finding out that a lot of these medications do more than just affect a few key neurotransmitters and that they might not soon be able to call them things like, "selective-seratonin reuptake inhibitors" anymore.

 

While many people believe their medications work for them and they just might, and I hope not to scare anyone by this, I think in my case, due to I have been on them so very long and with limited results which required more and more and different types, that I ended up sort of deadened mentally on some level and have problems with motivation and executive functioning. I notice since the Adderall is now gone, my memory is yet even worse now. I read an article based on a study they did that hypothesizes that when a person is on more at least three pharmacological agents of any kind, that there can be a decrease in grey matter. I totally feel that and hope it is not too late to snap back somehow.

 

So now I am on another withdrawal program for Cymbalta (which can be extremely nasty) and after that will come the Tramadol for pain, which I take only a small dose of - but damn, I want to know who I am beneath all this. When I look back at how I used to function even though I was struggling and see how my functioning deteriorated even further over the past ten years, it freaks me out a little.

 

Now that I have a good yoga practice and yoga nidra meditation practice in place, am starting to  feel like maybe I will be ok - and studying cogntive behavioral therapy techniques, etc.. As well, I have been turned on to a lot less harmful supplements I am using with great care and research, I think I may have a chance to survive lifelong depression without the use of medications that didn't work anyway! If I fall through the bottom again, I'd rather have ECT than another years-long disaster with yet another medication that they have to admit doesn't work aymore like they thought it did.

 

So that's my story. One odd thing I've noticed being off the adderall, is some craving for it comes up here and there and I think maybe it will work really well now - just for a day, but honestly, I don't want to undo what I've done though I haven't thrown the stuff out yet. Still struggling with that - thinking I might need it later on for something and I'll be sorry if I just dump it. But dump it I think I should. The idea of crashing on that stuff again makes me sick to think about anyway when a red bull would probably do if I had to....

 

Another odd thing I've noticed and which I am grateful for, is that my creative juices are flowing again in my brain. I have ideas again of things I'd like to do creatively and am actually starting to do them though not being able to start them or not finishing things the way I'd like. I have also gotten out more as tired and twitchy as I've felt at times. I am doing things. Before on Adderall, it was too easy to just sit in a fog and not give a shit if I got out or not. Now I feel supremely guilty and the need to push myself out around others takes over. Before there was no way I could do much of anything I was so bad off there for a while. I am starting to feel amazed at how much more functional I am though it still pales in comparison to the average person. I guess this is going to take a while....

 

In the meantime, I'm appalled that my damn psychiatrist didn't put it together that maybe this combo  I was on of Tramadol, Cymbalta, and Adderall was making me worse. No, he just wanted me to take MORE.

[Jon]

Thank you gor checking in Cat. I was wondering and concerned about your well being. I'm impressed with your ability in very early recovery to practice yoga. You are doing much better than me. Keep up the good work and stick with the yoga. You are amazing!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Thanks for checking in.  I had 2 immediate thoughts while reflecting on your (extremely well articulated) post:

 

1) You, my poor friend, are a walking case study of everything that is wrong with the pharmaceutical industry.  You entrusted your health to "highly trained professionals" and look what happened.   Now you have a quagmire of mental and physical health challenges, as well as a myriad of addictions to recover from.  Yes, sure, you were a willing subject, but there has to be some kind of recognition somewhere that what happened to you is in direct violation to the hypocratic oath?!  

 

2) You're doing a really nice job of seeing yourself as the observer of yourself, without judgment.  That's very hard to do (for me anyway) as I tend to get really guilty about all the things I'm not, or people I've disappointed, or why am I not perfect or "better" yet.  Your approach of "noticing things" about your own recovery, and factual recounting of what you've been experiencing, was really refreshing to read.  Thanks for being honest and yet not sorrowful or preachy.  

 

Please stay in touch.  Your journey is everywhere, so you're speaking to people in ways you'd never believe.  

[catw66]

My Ashtanga yoga practice is one of the things that helps my depression so an act of faith keeps me getting on the mat. If I had to get to some class or watch the same DVD over again, I probably would not stick wtih it, but Ashtanga is very methodical and meditative and it helps me observe myself from more of a "witness" perspective when done at least three times a week. It balances something in my brain and detoxes the nervous system, supposedly. Sometimes lately, it's been only two days a week, but I've been doing something or another to just keep moving and am slowly increasing the days of my practice. Still drinking three cups of coffee before I can do it, however, in the AM.

 

When I look back at my history, starting on meds at age 17 and having just turned 47 and seeing my hopes and dreams for myself went totally by the wayside over time, I do start to freak out a bit. So I'm having to force myself to cheerlead myself into a more realistic attitude that ALL is not totally lost, and that I think I need to blog intelligently about what's happened and share my journey of what I can still salvage after it all. Some good shall come out of this too I hope.

 

I did get a masters degree, though I had to stop working full time some years after a car accident and yet more medication. However, I did become an artist and I still perform out here and there, though I never got to where I wanted to go wtih it due to depression and fatigue, but it's still there to pick back up again. I never got married or had kids, though I have a great dog, never let my physical appearance go and can probably meet a nice guy some day still.

 

But back to all the pharmaceuticals - I pretty much believed it totally that I HAD to be on one pharmacuetical after another or in various combos - or I would be worse off. I think many people believe that. It's the bill of goods we are sold by the doctors. And I am not sure how they can say that, as it is proven now that most of them work no better than placebo on a good percentage of people. It is not entirely without merit though, as often I would get off a drug, only to sink further down than ever and not be able to feel my hands and go running to the doctor for another one to try.

 

Knowing what I know now though, and as I've said, I think various supplements and dietary changes and a good mindfulness practice with or without the physical is better than the drugs. It just took me a LONG time to figure this out. I don't expect it to be perfect either. I went on a hike in the woods and spent the rest of the day crashed out in bed for a while. I worry I will never be able to get back to a career, but I am going to do my best to heal and try. And if my cellular mitochondira, my brain, or my adernals are all damaged and I'm stuck with chronic fatigue and other brain issues forever, I will at least know I tried to do my best and I will find a way to live with it all.

 

I know I wasn't well from a very early age not on any medication, but I think a lot of it was emotional and I'm also older now and have a lot more wisdom and ways to manage things that I've learned over the years. I needed coping skills a long time ago and good peope in my life, not medications.

 

But I think often of people who live in awful circumstances and never get out and that's not me. I still have probably a good number of years left where I can still do something better than all this, but sometimes I do beat up on myself for not being able just pull it together fast enough. But I figure this is my soul's journey and what I do with time is just my opinion of it all and not really the important thing.