Almost at 8 months - mixed bag of emotions

[Sebastian05]

Hey Everyone:

 

So, September 1, 2013 will mark 8 months off of adderall. Its almost here and I can't believe the emotional rollercoaster quitting this shit has put me through.

 

I have almost 8 months under my belt, and i feel okay at best.

 

I'm on vacation now on the Aegean Ocean in Europe and its been nice. I just feel flat though. I should be really fucking excited and happy but I just feel okay.

 

I've been here a few days. Got to see a bunch of family here which has been wonderful.

 

I took a two week vacation from work. When I return back to work, I'm putting in my two weeks and quitting.

 

I'll be starting a new job with a new company and that change is also extremely stressful to me.

 

My emotions in general have been all over the place, but I really don't want to go back to taking adderall at all simply because at the end of the day, I just don't think I can stay on it for the rest of my life....so i'm just trying to power through.

 

It has been a long time since I've felt really happy. I'm either filled with anxiety or depressed or flat/neutral.  

 

I hope to God I swing back to the way I was before I started taking adderall. This fucking drug helped me get through law school and stay focused on everything I wanted to achieve. It helped me pass the bar exam and get into the swing of things with working.

 

I never took more than prescribed. I did honestly feel like it helped me when I was taking it. It just seems like the wrong road to stay on. So  thats why I'm not on it anymore.

 

I just feel like a huge fuck-up in general and I'm so hard on myself. I can't seem to shake this total loss of confidence in myself.

 

While I was on adderall, I was always confident and felt good about things. My mood and emotions were pretty stable and I got into the best shape of my life. Now I'm like a nervous wreck, or depressed or a cry baby.

 

I'm really hoping to God I get better and that I start feeling hopeful about life and about my future again. My new job pays pretty well, but I know with that pay is going to come a lot of stress and responsibility.

 

I used to have this burning desire to be in an awesome relationship (because I've been in great relationships before and they would really make me so so happy) and to one day settle down and have kids, and now I question if I'm emotionally stable enough to even be able to go down that route. Not just that, but its almost as if I'm just so flat about it all too. Like I just don't care. Its hard to explain. 

 

I have no idea who I've become and that is what is so hard to me. Again, maybe 8 months isnt that long of a time since i was on adderall for about 4-5 years at 10-20mg a day. Maybe things will get better and the skies will open up and I'll be a happy and cheerful and positive person again. I'm just hoping and praying that that happens.

 

I'm really trying hard to get back into awesome shape and I'm trying REALLY hard to stay positive about everything in my life. I have a great family. I have good things in my life. I'm pretty healthy. I have a house and hopefully now a good job that doesnt make me want to blow my brains out ever single day. I really don't have anything to fucking complain about, but the only thing I don't have anymore is my happiness. Happiness and energy and positivity. I fucking want it back so bad that it brings me to tears pretty often.

 

But I can do nothing but push forward and hope. And when I hear of positive outcomes on this site, it always gives me hope. I'm gonna go for a long swim in the ocean now and try to get some endorphins flowing.

 

Please comment back. Let me know what you think about my road and where its gonna go.

 

Thanks so much.

[Zerokewl]

Sounds like you have a real live human emotions. Being nervous about the future, nostalgic of the past and ho hum about the present. I'm not as far along as you (almost 4 months) but I'm jealous of the place you are in.  Starting a new job and relatively content with my place in the world.  Please update us when you hit your next milestone. I really enjoyed your post and I think it helped me set some realistic goals. 

[LILTEX41]

Per the words from my favorite pastor Joel Osteen:

You are exactly where God intended you to be. He doesn't give us anymore than we can handle. You have everything you need. You are doing amazing! Do not speak words of defeat. Even if you think them do not speak them. Speak words of victory and you will overcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OCvF3TmohM

[JustinW]

I'm on vacation now on the Aegean Ocean in Europe and its been nice. I just feel flat though. I should be really fucking excited and happy but I just feel okay.

 

I took a two week vacation from work. When I return back to work, I'm putting in my two weeks and quitting.

 

I'll be starting a new job with a new company and that change is also extremely stressful to me.

 

I never took more than prescribed. I did honestly feel like it helped me when I was taking it. It just seems like the wrong road to stay on. So  thats why I'm not on it anymore.

 

I just feel like a huge fuck-up in general and I'm so hard on myself. I can't seem to shake this total loss of confidence in myself.

 

I'm really hoping to God I get better and that I start feeling hopeful about life and about my future again. My new job pays pretty well, but I know with that pay is going to come a lot of stress and responsibility.

 

I used to have this burning desire to be in an awesome relationship (because I've been in great relationships before and they would really make me so so happy) and to one day settle down and have kids, and now I question if I'm emotionally stable enough to even be able to go down that route. Not just that, but its almost as if I'm just so flat about it all too. Like I just don't care. Its hard to explain. 

I understand the flat feeling.  I find myself feeling at peace with losing my job, house, or even my life (not in a suicidal way).  I try to write it off as being content but I'm not sure that it isn't just the withdrawl screwing with my head.  I used to find myself recharged after a vacation and ready to get back to work, even before the Adderall.  Now there isn't a vacation long enough to get energized or enthused about my job.

 

I think that you are falling into the same pit of self criticism that I, and many others, are guilty of getting into.  Fight the funk!

 

This poem always seems to boost my moral, maybe it will help you too?

 

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

by:  Dylan Thomas

 

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

[Krax]

Sebastian if emotional stability was a requirement for people getting into and staying in relationships - both healthy an unhealthy, believe me, 90% of the population would be single. You my friend know, from our past chats, that based on what I do for a living I KNOW this for fact. So don't think that feeling down or whatever will prevent finding someone, in fact you know, most other people experience similar feelings and it only helps you relate to them better.

 

Happy to see you've got a new job.

[Sirpumpkin]

I'm also 8 months off adderall. Feel the same way. Have your tried l tyrosine, I think my 10 years of adderall usage left me with a dopamine shortage. This helped a lot. I take 1,500 mg with b6 and vitamin c. Started to feel like my old self.

[Krax]

that's weird, Tyrosine - even on an empty stomach - does absolutely nothing for me. I must be in the minority on this because I read a lot of posts relating positiive effects from it.

 

I think many times we romanticize what it was like pre-amphetamine. If things had been that great for me, I never would have taken it.  We just need to get use to reality and stop expecting to feel happy all of the time.

[Cat]

Hey Sebastian, congrats on making it to 8 months soon. I am just a few days behind you, my 8 month mark will be September 5. A few thoughts. First of all, it seems from here you can only build your new self up stronger. 

 

A new job can make a world of difference. You spend the majority of your waking hours at work, so if your job brings you down, that's probably going to affect your whole life outlook. Even after work and on the weekends it'll stress you out. I know because my previous job was like that. I started a new job 3 days before quitting adderall for good in early January. I'm building my post-adderall self and forming new work habits while building confidence in the new job. It's a good situation and hopefully starting your new job will give you the space to build a positive outlook on life in general.

 

In terms of happiness, first of all you can take pride in the fact that you have dropped an unsustainable habit and all the self-building you do from here on out will be yours to own 100%. That's pretty rad and should be a good thing to remember when you find yourself reminiscing about the adderall days. Second, the new job should help. Third, if a relationship might be the thing that makes you happier, you will be in a way better position to form a healthy relationship with someone if you aren't taking adderall. Fourth, vacations rule but like 1Bad88 said it's not like a magic happy pill that eliminates your stress and dread about going back to a shitty job. Happiness is complex. It's a combination of big things, like knowing you are making progress on long term goals and creating the kind of life you want for yourself, and being able to find pleasure in small things, like seeing friends or drinking a glass of wine at the end of the day or eating a delicious meal or getting a good workout in. That's my two cents at least.

 

Just for the record, L Tyrosine doesn't really do anything for me either. 

[Krax]

speaking for myself, trying to be happy by telling myself to be happy or why I should be happy, that's like trying to go to sleep by telling myself I have to go to sleep. I have to let myself just live, feel the feelings that come my way, and take it from there. Just my two cents

[LILTEX41]

Krax,

That is such a great point! You never know what life is going to throw at you. I went to work today in such a great mood for once and was so proud of myself for being in such a happy positive place until my boss ripped my before I left. I have been working on not letting it upset me as much tonight as it normally would. I ran my 45 mins and swam 50. I had to work really hard and still working really hard on defending myself and not beating myself down like I normally do when she does this to me. She does this to all of us from time to time, but I tend to take it to personal. Anyhow, these are the types of things we have to learn how to deal with emotionally once we no longer take Adderall to distract ourselves and numb out. But again, if I was telling myself I had to always be happy then I would feel sad about not living up to my standard of being happy 100% of the time plus being upset by what she did to me. So I'd feel really down in the dumps. Instead, I think it's best if we just concentrate on one day at a time and focus on learning how to cope with our emotions when they hit in a productive manner. And now after processing all of this I do feel better!

Hey, if anyone is interested there is a live Smart meeting just starting right now called Tool time. These are great meetings if anyone wants to jump in the chat room and attend.

http://smartrecoveryforum.org/123flashchat.php

[Cat]

Agree with Krax on the happiness thing and hope what I said didn't come across as "eat a great meal and remember to be happy" or anything like that. At the same time, I do believe that we have some control over taking action toward leading a positive life. Being conscious about recognizing what in your life is a mood lifter and knowing what brings you down - then you know what direction to steer yourself in. You can also deal with the rough spots that come along, like LilTex, without crashing to the ground.

[Krax]

Cat I agree.  I compare it to sleeping:  If I lay there and tell myself to go to sleep, of course I can't. There are a lot of things that I can do and refrain from, however, that will increase the chances I will sleep well, like exercising, not drinking coffee at dinner, cutting back on sugar and so forth. So with happiness, there are things I can do or not do that will impact that, absolutely.

[Krax]

 if I was telling myself I had to always be happy then I would feel sad about not living up to my standard of being happy 100% of the time plus being upset by what she did to me. So I'd feel really down in the dumps. I

 

That is a really good point - if you expect to be happy then you feel worse because no one is happy all the time, that isn't how life works. I think that your experience in general is shared by everyone on this forum, in part because we all found this magic pill that defied nature and gave us instant somewhat sustained feelings of pleasure.  When I think back, now 47 years, to earlier times in my life, the most rewarding times were those that involved anxiety of some sort, some discomfort and struggle, and in which I did not expect to feel happy, so I just experienced life and in the process felt a multitude of feelings, most which were neither happy or unhappy. That is life.