Mapquest Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 In high school, I was socially awkward and depressed. Sure, I had a few friends that I hung out with once in a while, but I had a really hard time relating with other people. I did fairly average academically wise (B Average), but I just felt lost. In the middle of my senior year, I saw a psychiatrist to get evaluated and he said I had ADD (and was depressed as a result of the ADD being untreated). He put me on an antidepressant and gave me Adderall for the ADD. The Adderall transformed me into a new (artificial) me. I started doing my homework on time (not procrastinating), studied for tests, started socializing ALOT more, and was even excited about starting college next year. I ended up finishing my senior year with all A's and graduated with High Honors. By the time I started college, I was taking vyvanse and an Adderall (booster) in the afternoon when I started to feel the vyvanse wearing off. Sometime during my first college year (cant remember exactly) I began noticing these "crashes" during the late afternoon and evening. I'd isolate myself, feel depressed, nothing seemed interesting, and sometimes just start crying. I had constant, obsessive thoughts about all the negatives in my life and I couldn't shake them off. Sometimes I'd stare at the ceiling while laying in bed for hours and hours. Even though every single night I'd go through a "crash", I felt that it was worth going through hell every night just to be proactive during the day on Vyvanse/Adderall. I tried taking days off and even tried quitting totally, but I was either in bed watching TV all day or in the kitchen stuffing my face with any food I could find. During college, I was living with my mother to try and save money. It helped me a lot financially, especially since I was going to a private university and tuition was very expensive (even with grants and a scholarship). My mother got in a terrible car accident, had surgery and was prescribed pain killers. I started stealing her pills (Oxycodone, Hydrocodone) as a method of coping with my evening "crashes". It wasn't long until I dropped out of college, became suicidal and was admitted to an impatient hospital. After I got out of the hospital, I was no longer suicidal, but I was still prescribed the vyvanse/Adderall and didn't want to stop taking them. They were my life. The only good in my life. My "morning mood pill". I couldn't live without them. I moved in with my father as a result of dropping out. This is where the real horror began... My road to destruction... I started taking WAY more then prescribed. I'd keep taking them and taking them for days and days. I even went close to a whole week without sleeping or eating/drinking anything. I was binging. One time I went through a whole months supply in just a few days. I started getting heart palpulations, severe skin problems, couldn't urinate, eye problems, itching constantly, terrible odor (didn't take showers) and the list goes on. I had this illusion that if I keep taking them I'd skip the "crash". I was on the computer 24/7 doing the most random, repetitive things like looking for "freebies" (free manufacture giveaways), product deals/sales, etc. I didn't do anything perverted. I just looked up, searched, and read about the most random things. When I ran out, I'd be in bed and constantly eating for weeks until I got my next script. At one point in time, I was getting multiple scripts a month and went to multiple pharmacies. Probably four months went by of this and I finally decided to stop. It wasn't worth it. I'm better off without it. I don't want to end up commiting suicide or try meth. I couldn't do that to my family. I don't want to go to hell. There's a VERY, VERY small light shinning through a long tunnel. It isn't much, but there's hope. After "relapsing" probably five/six times, I finally admitted the truth to my psychologist and psychiatrist. Now I don't have any access to the vyvanse/Adderall. The first few weeks clean were a living nightmare, but I made it. Today marks the third month clean after taking vyvanse/Adderall for over 5 years. The truth has finally set me free. I'm now even closer to my family and few friends than ever before. It was a hard lesson that I learned and now I'm paying for the mistake I made, but I accept it and have to live with it everyday. There's always hope. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on being clean for 3 months! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted August 19, 2013 Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 It’s hard for our written stories to cover the length and pain of our use, but you have done a remarkable job sharing your amazing five year story with us, Mapquest. I am pleased that you entitled it as you did because there truly is always hope. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story with us. I wonder if the forum was an important tool for you to get to your three-month anniversary. Congratulations! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mapquest Posted August 19, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2013 Thanks guys! This forum is a VERY important tool for me! Even though this was my first post/thread, I on here numerous times daily reading and relating to other's stories to know that I'm not alone in this matter. It gives me peace of mind knowing that there are others who have problems with Adderall (and other ADHD stimulants) and isn't just me.Indeed, it's hard to cover everything in just a couple of paragraphs. The pain I felt and what I went through can't be described in a few sentences. I'm a firm believer that only the person with the problem can step up to the plate, admit they have a problem and ask for help. What helped me the most was looking at the long-term effects of daily Adderall/Vyvanse and knowing/understanding that it isn't worth it. Hopefully my story will positively effect others! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Indeed, it's hard to cover everything in just a couple of paragraphs. The pain I felt and what I went through can't be described in a few sentences. I'm a firm believer that only the person with the problem can step up to the plate, admit they have a problem and ask for help. What helped me the most was looking at the long-term effects of daily Adderall/Vyvanse and knowing/understanding that it isn't worth it. Oh so true, Mapquest. It is hard to cover everything in a few paragraphs, but we try anyway and usually wind up with a short novel. I do anyway. There are so many little misdirections our brains are used to handling. I like your belief about stepping up to the plate. I am the problem with Adderall. Thank you again for sharing a story of hope. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c.anon Posted August 21, 2013 Report Share Posted August 21, 2013 Good for you! I've been nearly 3 months and am still struggling to believe that I feel off due to the Adderall. I never used a lot or binged and only took about 5mg/day for about 5 days a week but I'm remembering how boring the tasks are that we have to complete as functioning adults in society (and for me as a single parent). Good luck to you on this difficult journey, it seems you have a bright light shining in your path! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greg Posted August 24, 2013 Report Share Posted August 24, 2013 congratulations on those hard earned three months! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mapquest Posted April 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 17, 2014 Thanks guys. I'm still free from adderall/vyvanse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted April 18, 2014 Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 Congrats on 3 months. The first 3 months are probably the worst. A milestone for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustinW Posted April 18, 2014 Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 by my math you are at around 11 months, congratulations on making it thus far mapquest! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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