Still ticking....kinda... Almost 9 months under my belt.

[Sebastian05]

Hey Guys:

 

So, I haven't been posting much on here lately as I've been so busy. But I wanted to drop by to give an update. I'm almost 9 months off Adderall, and I know that that has to be a good thing, right? It has not been easy at all and the ONLY reason I ever quit is because I just know it is not a medication that you can stay on indefinitely for the rest of your life.

 

I take tons of supplements now. Enough to choke a horse. CDP-Choline, L-Tyrosine, B12, B6, Niacin, Fish Oil, Multi Vitamin, Vitamin C, Sam-E, an Amino Acid Pack from GNC, and Melatonin at night to help me sleep.

 

For those of you who have been following me, you know this has not been an easy road for me at all. The depression and lack of motivation and dullness had really hit me hard. I noticed that I am able to sleep better at night, although its still not perfect.

 

I'm still tired and depressed a lot and just really miss feeling on point and totally focused. I quit my job that was making me totally miserable and I've started a new job. I think its going to be a really intense position. It is definitely a big step up for me in terms of title and pay but the responsibility of this new position is also quite huge so naturally I'm very nervous about it all. I just hope I don't fuck it all up. 

 

My confidence is still pretty low and I still don't feel like my old self yet. I'm still either anxious or depressed or just flat, but I dunno...Sometimes I think it is getting better. It is just so frustrating at this point. Today I scoured the internet for such a long time reading about adderall and man.....sometimes i just wanna say screw it and start taking my prescribed dose again.

 

I never exceeded my prescribed dose and adderall helped me through some really hard times in my life academically and also at my first serious legal position. I just put all my faith in the hope that I can move forward in my life without this shit. Sometimes I'll have dreams where in my dreams really good things are happening in my life and I feel ELATED during those dreams. They are just really positive and happy dreams and then I wake up and I'm blown away that I had those feelings because it has been such a long time since I've felt that way.

 

I used to feel like anything in life is possible and now the only thing that keeps me going is thinking "i may not be exactly where i want to be yet, but i'm getting there and in time i'll get there".

 

It has just been so freaking hard to stay positive and move forward and have confidence in myself. I figured by now I'd start feeling like a million bux, but I'm still not there yet and it breaks my heart.  All I can do is hope and keep moving forward. I really hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew with this new job of mine, but all I can do is focus on trying to do the best I can.

 

What scares me the most is that I'm just not passionate anymore. I used to be the biggest gym rat and now its a mission to just get me into the gym, but i still do force myself to get in there.

 

My other hobbies and passions...I just dont have the same flare for them anymore. I hope this all comes back to me.

 

My hobbies, passions in life, and the people in my life (especially my family) are the most important things to me. That is the foundation of a good life. I tried so hard to be successful in law school and in my career and I believe that adderall played a big part in keeping me calm and focused to hitting my goals. 

 

And thats the part that gets me. I've always had bad anxiety and my brain would always fire like crazy, but once I started taking adderall...that all went away. I would slip into deep focus and just crank work out and feel great and be really proud of myself.

 

I hope I once again feel that way. I hope I once again will wake up in the mornings being really happy and absolutely loving life. Right now, thats all i can do...Hope and keep pushing forward and pray to God that I'm going to make it through.

 

I hope everyone is doing alright. 

 

-S-

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Congratulations on the new job!  That's one thing you were wanting to fix, so you fixed it.  

 

Have you thought about getting an executive coach?  Someone who can work with you on targeting exactly what it is you want out of life, that makes you feel like you have a sense of purpose, meaning, etc?  Your ongoing anhedonia is so sad, and has taken you hook, line, and sinker.... personally I don't think it has too much to do with the adderall by now.  I just think you maybe want life to be perfect and, uh, it's not.  

 

I think you're doing brilliantly.  You're a model of health, success, and commitment to your goals.  I was thinking of you just today and wondering how you were doing.  Just stay the course and keep asking for help.  You actually inspire me...

[JustinW]

I think you're doing brilliantly.  You're a model of health, success, and commitment to your goals.

+1 to that

 

Adderall = instant gratification

 

We must reserve ourselves to the fact that things in life are going to take a lot of work from now on.  Compare it to a baseball player who took steroids but is now clean and trying to stay in the MLB; it's going to be a tough road to hoe and take a lot more work to get the same results.  Things will start to get better for you soon; 5 years on Adderall does a lot of damage and you are still healing.

[Sebastian05]

MFA & 1Bad:

 

((LONG RANT))

 

Thanks for the responses. I'm trying to hang in there as best as I can. I should be so happy and proud of myself that I got this new job. My last job really really made me hate the corporate world, and this new job is a better position for better pay, but it is still the corporate/legal world.

 

I don't want to develop any bad karma, so I thank God everyday for all my blessings and know that I have a good life, but I just feel so lonely and empty inside. Some days I have really great days. For example, the past two days...I was in a really great mood. Today I'm really really down.

 

I keep worrying about if im gonna fuck this new job up. Its totally different than what i was previously doing. Being able to focus is also something I'm really concerned about. I still feel pretty cloudy a lot of times. Anyone know if this is going to clear up with time?

 

I'm trying to blast my body with vitamins and such. I went to the gym twice yesterday. Once in the afternoon for a 5 mile run and then at night to lift weights. I plan on going again tonight for a long workout.

 

Oh, here's another thing about my new job. It is full time virtual. Meaning, I work from home full time now. So bear in mind that I moved to a new area for my last job and put so much faith in that new job that I bought a small home here. I'm single. Don't really know many people around here, and what is funny is that I don't really care to make new friends because my head just feels so mixed up.

 

I can't stop thinking about how I feel like I made a huge mistake to move here and how my last job ruined my life. Its funny because when I started my last job and moved to this area, I had this big positive outlook on everything. I was still taking adderall at the time (only 10 mg a day) but still, I was feeling good about things.

 

The old job wasn't anything that they said it would be and it  was just so stressful and on top of that I had purchased a home and moved to a brand new area in a leap of faith that my life was finally taking direction. Two of the most stressful things you can go through (moving and a new job) I did at the same time WHILE at the same time deciding to quit adderall.

 

Sometimes I feel like adderall really served as a mood balancer for me. That it made me happy and made me be positive and made me feel exactly how I would want to feel as a healthy person. 

 

I think I'm just going through a lot now. I went to law school to become a lawyer. To help people. PEOPLE not a corporation. Now I'm in the corporate world.  I don't know. Maybe this whole being a grown up thing isnt all that we once thought it would be? Sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier in a small private law firm. But it seems that many of my peers who are in small private firms are also miserable. Maybe I just chose a miserable career path. Such a scary thought!

 

I'm just so conflicted all the time wondering if I'm in the wrong career path. Wondering if there's something else out there that I would feel more natural doing. Wondering if something else out there would make me happy. Wondering if I'd be happier if i just put my house up for sale and moved back to New Jersey. But I can't be hasty with that decision. I have to give it more time here. I know ultimately this is not the place I want to live and start a family. It just doesnt feel right to me. But I've only owned my home here a bit over a year and feel like I have to at least give it more time and just try to focus on my new job and focus on adding month after month to the last date that i popped an adderall. Also, part of me feels like im being a huge baby and that i should just suck it up. People move all the time and they deal with it. Why can't I? I guess its just the awful feeling of loneliness in a place that I don't really like that much and the rude awakening that this move here didn't turn out at all as i'd expected. 

 

I make pretty good money (but that most CERTAINLY isn't everything). I'm pretty healthy (physically at least). But my zest for life has just seemed to go out the window. Sometimes I feel like all the stress may be commensurate to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

 

I just feel very alone all the time. Very isolated. And now with this whole working from home thing, I just hope things don't get worse for me. I'm trying to be positive and look at this as an opportunity to rest more while at home. To work in peace. To buy some time. After all it has only been about 8.5 months since I quit, and not only is quitting tough, but then all these crazy life changes most certainly didn't make things easier.

 

I just wish I didn't always feel like such a failure. I had these big ideas of what my life would be like. That I would be this young and happy professional with a small apartment or condo in a city working a job I loved and being close to family and being in a great relationship and maybe even having a dog.

 

Now I'm single, I live in the suburbs, work a job that I'm just starting to learn and settle into (i'm told its going to take about a year to feel comfortable with it all)...my brother lives in DC (about 2.5 hours away)....my father had to take a job overseas....so he's thousands of miles away.....and my mother is now overseas as well....i do have some close family back in NJ and I find myself going to visit them all the time because it makes me feel comfortable and happy....

 

When I drive around my old town where we used to live in Princeton, I just feel at home and just feel better about life. And of course, without fail, I always slowly drive by our old family home (sometimes i park out front for a little and just stare at the house) and remember what life used to be like....Remember when my brother and I used to play catch in the front yard...remember when i used to shovel our really long driveway in the harsh winters.....remember when my mom, dad, brother and I would always have dinner together.....then i usually just start crying (as im doing now just thinking about all this)...

 

I don't know what has become of me, but I'm trying so hard to just be happy and proud of myself and proud of who I've become. I just always feel like a failure. That I'm just some schmuck working jobs that aren't fullfilling.... and thats my life. I used to feel like anything was possible and that the world was my oyster....Now I just take it day by day and just hope and hope and pray that I balance out somehow...I look at some people, like my brother for example, who picked a path and stuck with it and just went full force and is now doing great....he looks at me and he always tells me he's so proud of me and that I'm doing really well and that I'm the first lawyer ever in the family....i just always feel like a train wreck....how sad is that?...Its almost like i got in my own way by trying so hard and now I've psychologically screwed myself up thinking that I'm a failure...I see so many people who just did undergrad and were always happy in undergrad and then just coasted into their first jobs and then grew from there and are now successful and doing really well with families and such....((sigh))

 

MFA, you mentioned an executive coach Maybe thats what I need. I feel like i need a life coach or someone to just help me figure myself out. You know, i have one friend who opened a restaurant. He's the head chef and its a really nice boutique type place. He works CRAZY hours all the time, but he's happy because he's doing what he loves. I have two other friends who opened up a bakery/pastry shop together and now they are working similarly crazy hours, but they are also happy because they are doing what they love.

 

I just feel like a robot with my professional jobs all the time. Sometimes I wonder if a more creative and active job like being a restauranteur or opening a bakery would be more appropriate for me. I just have no idea what the fuck im supposed to do with my life.  So thats why i just take it one day at a time.

 

I just cant help to think that while I was prescribed and taking adderall, life just seemed fine. I was able to handle anything that came my way and i was happy. So thats the part of me that makes me feel like i need it. But I have no intention of going back. I've come too far. I'm just waiting to see if I somehow balance out. Now I just feel like scrambled eggs, but I'm trying so hard to push forward and be happy.

 

Sorry for the rant. I just had to let all that out. Thanks guys.

 

S

[Cassie]

If you want to help people, can you do some pro bono work on the side or something? I think a lot of people go into law thinking they're going to help people and are disenfranchised when they realize that there are only a few environmental law jobs but tons of jobs defending BP, or whatever the appropriate metaphor would be to your field of law. I remember a few years ago I used to go through resumes for people applying for sales jobs at the financial company I worked for, and there were a ton of lawyers. So, I don't think it's just you - I think a lot of lawyers hate their jobs and end up changing careers. I don't think you have to be a lawyer forever if you don't want to.

 

In the meantime, maybe you could get a dog now that you work from home. It would definitely help with the loneliness and give your brain a dopamine boost. And a dog is a good conversation starter when you meet people out on walks or at the dog park.

[Zerokewl]

From the place I am in your life sounds amazing. I really wish I had my shit together like you do.  

[JustinW]

I think that you could benefit from doing some volunteer work; it would get you out of the house and connected with people.  There are plenty of charities that just need people to donate their time and show up.  You will be surprised at how much you get back.

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

From the place I am in your life sounds amazing. I really wish I had my shit together like you do.  

You sound really down on yourself today, ZK.  

 

Not sure what the weather is like where you live but I strongly recommend you close the laptop, put reasonable clothing on, and just walk outside.  Doesn't matter where you go or what you do, just go for a walk.  Change the tape, as they say.  In fact I've just inspired myself to do the same... I need to go for a run so I will do it now.  Will you join me virtually?

 

I read somewhere once, "you're only a workout away from a good mood".  Put it to the test!  

[JustinW]

I read somewhere once, "you're only a workout away from a good mood".  Put it to the test!  

Or a trip to Walmart:

 

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Sebastian:

 

A lot of good suggestions here - get a dog, do some pro bono work, do some volunteering... sometimes when you're depressed, actually getting up and doing ANYTHING is the hardest thing to do.

 

I know a few life coaches - PM me if you are interested.  They are different from therapists; they focus very much on helping you identify the goals you want to achieve and the blockers or derailers in your life that are stopping you from achieving them.  

 

My 2 cents, for what it's worth, and because I think a few of us on here could heed this advice (including myself, don't get me wrong), is to just learn to be in the present moment.  I know that sounds kinda hippy or Buddhist, but it really is a remarkable concept.  If you are focusing too much on the past, or on the future, you are ignoring the most important part of your life - which is RIGHT NOW.  I find that when I focus on this concept, when I look at all the choices I have about what to do with my time right now, right at this moment, it is a positive feeling, not one of panic or regret or fear.  

 

And the other recommendation?  Start meditation.  Really.  It works.   

[Zerokewl]

MFA you are so right.  I went for a walk to the taco place and watched some mexican soap operas, read the paper and had lunch.  This was my horoscope 

 

"You may feel that you are destined for bigger and better things and you maybe right . but it won't happen as if by magic. determine your #1 priority today then go for it to the exclusion of everything else"

 

Based on that, I will focus on one thing today. Get her done. 

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Sebastian,

Here's one for you:

http://teamcoco.com/video/louis-ck-springsteen-cell-phone

(Hugs), as liltex would say :-)