in College, this must end. How?

[swervecity]

I've been on 40mg of Adderall IR for exactly one year now. Well, that's been the prescribed dose for the majority. It has become evident that the way it is effecting my brain is a problem. The pro's are there, but the con's outweigh them at this point.

 

Here's the problem: I'm 31, and after 13 years of addiction and 13 months in rehab, the door to college miraculously opened up. Things were going well for awhile, then I began having panic attacks and went back on benzo's (Klonopin 3mg/day). I do have anxiety, and take the benzo's therapeutically, not recreationally.

It wasn't long, however, that I started seeing a different doctor who started me on Adderall. While this was never my drug of choice, I'm not an idiot, and knew that taking this was most likely a bad idea that would result in the problems I am having today. Still, I took it. And it helped. I wouldn't even say that I have ADD, maybe a little, but the combination of these two drugs dose wonders for my depression and anxiety issues (for awhile....)

 

Before I knew it, the dark hole of despair that took me 13 months to come out of crept back into my life. Amazing how a dorm room can feel like a prison cell....

 

Now I'm prescribed Adderall 40mg IR, Klonopin 3mg, Soma 350mg (for chronic tension headaches), Ambien 10mg and just recently Zoloft was added to the mix to "treat the underlying problem of depression". No, lady, the crash from Adderall and perhaps the long-term use of Klonopin makes me depressed. So somehow, I wound up back in a cluster of psychotropic medications -- while in college -- not knowing how or where to begin stopping.

Last semester was difficult, but by binging on Adderall's, I managed to make the dean's list again. In the end, I felt like Rocky after a good beating. I went into the summer hoping to stop then. I couldn't. I started a job here at school. The problem is I never learned how to relate to human beings post-addiction, now I'm in school, which is quite the place to re-learn how to live.

 

I went into this semester and have written some amazing stuff, but only on Adderall binge's. When I don't take the drug, I can't leave my room. I am in the fetal position and refuse to eat or go to class because my anxiety is so high and my depression peaks wanting to die.

On top of all of this, 8 of my friends, including one of my best friends have died this year from drug overdoses and my mentor is currently dying.

 

So this is where I am at. I finally have one doctor and one therapist on the same page with the ultimate goal of getting off all meds. Still, I cannot control my Adderall use, and it seems to be the only thing to help my depression and help me socially. I have no problem giving it to the nurse to dispense, but I still worry. This is KILLING ME! ......I need this to end, but I'm in college. I have 4 papers due next week, and really I just wanna throw in the towel and do nothing, despite the fact that I'm generally an A student (even without the Adderall...actually, I was much more focused on my work before I started it).

So any advice on what to do here? I'm thinking about entering an inpatient place for a few weeks, come back to school and take it from there. Soma's and Ambien's I have no problem stopping. Actually, I already have stopped. Klonopin, I'll deal with later....Benzo detox is hell, so I'll do that on an outpatient basis.


Any advice, ideas, opinions, suggestions, encouragements, really appreciated.

[JustinW]

Considering your past and present experience, I would say that an inpatient care facility might be the best course of action.  I hope that you will be able to get well soon.  Welcome to the forum!

[Zerokewl]

Everyone's recovery experience is different. You'll need to sort it out for yourself. What works what doesn't etc. The important thing is you are working to get better. Try everything and don't give up being sober has many rewards. 

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

swervecity,

 

welcome to the forums.  Your story is one of extreme highs and lows.  Getting out of rehab, getting in to college, doing well in school, getting a job = great!  But you are on so many crazy meds... no wonder you're feeling crazy!  I will write more later, I want to think more about your situation - it's your whole life, really - but I have a few questions:

 

1) you say your doc and shrink want you off the meds, but isn't your doc the one who put you on adderall in the first place?

2) what were you originally addicted to for 13 years?  only reason I ask is if it is adderall or speed or meth then you're obviously re-igniting that same trigger.  

3) what options are open to you right now about getting clean?  do you have time/money to go to rehab?  do you have a support network if you quit cold turkey?  

4) how long were you out of rehab before you were prescribed adderall?  what made you decide to take it, knowing it was potentially going to be addictive?

 

You are very brave.  When you have lived a life of addiction and know nothing else, it is scary.  But if you don't mind me saying so, you are living life in a blur of meds right now.  Uppers, downers, stablizers - how can you know what you want out of life when your life is controlled by medications...  seems like when you were sober you made some really great life choices.  So you know you're capable off the meds.  I'm so sorry you are such a victim of the fucked up healthcare system in this country.

[swervecity]

Thank you guys.

I spent the day seeking the best option, and after reflecting and talking with mentors and deans and my professors, I have decided to enter a detox center nearby tomorrow evening. 

 

If I am able to detox and feel comfortable returning after a few weeks, the professor's are willing to allow for this medical leave and see to it that I am still able to pass and do well.

If other issues arise at the place, I'll take it step by step. And if it seems like returning to school with a boatload of makeup work to do right after exiting the detox feels like a setup for failure, I will probably have to take the semester off.

From there, only God knows.

I look forward to keeping you posted and hearing all of your success stories as well.

Thanks. Love you guys!

[LILTEX41]

Swervecity,

 

I think it sounds like you have a good game plan. What will happen if you miss 2 weeks of school though?  Would it be helpful if you dropped a few classes so that when you came out of inpatient your stress level would drop significantly?  Like maybe just take 1 or 2 easy classes, continue working, and work on your recovery for this semester.  I think balance is really key.  You could think of it like a semester on training wheels.    Take the time you need to get well, but learn how to slowly adapt to college sober off all these drugs.  Maybe you could invest the extra time available in some cool extracurricular activities that you enjoy.  I just think it's really important to keep your stress level way down during early recovery.  As you get stronger in your recovery you will be able to tackle more, but for now it would most likely be in your best interest to relax, heal, and get a firm grip on recovery.  I know for myself that once I lose my recovery, I can kiss everything else in my life goodbye.  My addiction will take precedence over all other dreams/goals that I have.

 

Anyhow, so glad you posted tonight and it sounds like you are on the right path.  Pray you have a quick and speedy recovery new friend!

[Motivation_Follows_Action]

Good luck, swervecity.  That's a huge turnaround in your life in a few short hours.  I hope you will recover fully and really listen to LILTEX - that girl knows what she's talking about!

[swervecity]

Thanks again guys.

 

As it turns out, I've decided to (with the help of wise counsel) to take the weekend to pray and reflect on everything for a few reasons:

 

1) For the first time since all of this, everyone knows everything, including my entire past (both doctors, counselor, mentor, dean, etc) and this has led to an extremely freeing feeling. I do not like to go on "feelings," that's always been my problem. But letting go and support has been helpful, and I now have accountability with everyone including Adderall being dispensed meds being dispensed, --Issue with this: I do not know if the peace I have experienced is coming from that, or knowing that I set a goal and believe it to be the right thing to do. So I've been functioning better, making me question what to do now.

 

2) This, as much as I would like it to be, would not be a 2-3 week thing. Going back into the semester and having to catch up AND keep up with current work could be a total setup for failure. Therefore, I'm considering not putting a time limit on it (detox), starting with a clean slate from all drugs, and looking into withdrawing from the semester entirely while I detox and seek aftercare. I know of a two-month grad-relapse program that's had great results. It's in the works, and I'll know more by Monday. This could put me in a better spot for re-entering school (or where ever God leads; because honestly, I go to a Christian school with very few majors. I wanted to help others by pursuing a Masters in counseling, but there's just too much theology involved and that is not my passion. Music mixing, engineering and editing is my passion.)

 

3) Loss of money. I would now only get 25% back unless I came back in 2-3 weeks.

 

 

Also, my mentor is an amazing man, strong Christian; however, he believes that there really is no place for psychotropic drugs. I asked him (referring to my new accountability system) "don't you believe that if there is a balance, and things are done appropriately and right, there is a place for people who need psychotropic drugs?" He felt I was asking the wrong question. Rather, I should be asking, can I live without these drugs or am I just trying to make myself feel better. (Feelings!). My other spiritual director, who is a pastor and my teacher not only believes there is a place for psychotropic medications, but is on them (Paxil and Xanax as needed; his son is on Adderall).

 

*Interesting side note....in my encounters with all of the staff at this Christian school where they opened up to me, I was surprisingly amazed at how many of the staff (deans, doctors, professors, etc., are on psychotropic meds -- including Amphetamines).

 

So I am really interested in your insights as I make an extremely difficult decision this weekend.

 

Thanks.

 

Love and blessings.

[swervecity]

PS: That whole Christian school thing, yeah, I forgot to mention that I got clean from everything at a Christian rehab from 2011-2012. I wasn't really a Christian when I entered, but cannot deny some amazing, supernatural things that happened to me while I was there, and I did leave with joy. But talk about culture shock. Didn't help to jump into that so quickly. A 30 year old ex-addict living on campus at a private Christian school with a new found faith and a million questions about it, and about 1-2 people to talk to (that do not live there) who "get it". Support, both individual and group is vital, and hard to find there.

 

 

Something to consider....

[JustinW]

Out of curiousity, was the rehab center one of the Teen Challenge facilities?  I have heard great things about their programs.  I agree with your mentor that you shouldn't be looking for an excuse to use certain drugs.  I think that your pastor is closer to correct but it doesn't sound like he gave you a good scriptural basis for his explanation.  Consider this, medications can have the same affect as alcohol on a person, but alcohol use is not condemned in the Bible, only drunkeness (Eph. 5:18).  Drunkeness is the state where alcohol has control over the person; so one should avoid medications that also cause the person to have a lack of control.  While on adderall, I allowed it to control me and I exhibited quite a few of the traits described in Gal. 5:19-21; a much more fulfilling life is experienced by someone who exhibits the traits found in the verses that directly follow that passage (Gal. 5:22-23).

 

Maybe that helps, maybe it doesn't.  I hope that you continue to be well.

[quit-once]

1Bad, your post reminds me of the advice from my Dad when I was drinking too much in college:

"You can control it or it can control you. But when the alcohol controls you it is time to quit drinking"

[JustinW]

1Bad, your post reminds me of the advice from my Dad when I was drinking too much in college:

"You can control it or it can control you. But when the alcohol controls you it is time to quit drinking"

Very wise words, it brought this to mind:

Van Zant, Help Somebody

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHaJegv6Sjs

[swervecity]

Just got out of detox. Paid them all the cash I had on me to do what I could not do for myself -- flush the pills (ALL the pills) and prevent me from having a seizure in a less stressful environment.

It was (and still is) a horrible experience to go through...brain re-wiring; however, necessary in order to move forward. For me the benzo withdrawal is outweighing the Adderall withdrawal ten fold, but that sense of depression still creeps in. You know, the one where the fetal position is all you know....

Next step, medical leave and back to the program to work out WHY I keep running to pills when anxiety gets the best of me. It's a heart issue, and the psychiatric game is a brain thing. I'm not schizophrenic, I don't have ADD, my anxiety is real, but I'm not interested in medication because I know the other side of this can be beautiful!

1Bad, it's called America's Keswick Colony of Mercy. There's only one, in NJ. I would highly recommend it.

Oh, and all of this came at a price. I overdosed and wound up in the ER right before I was scheduled to meet with the provost of the school. Perfect timing, huh? Always.

[Greg]

swervecity, good for you on going to detox. When I detoxed, I was under blankets and in the fetal position for a long time. A really long time and the thought of doing anything was just horrendous. 

 

Really, this is way more imporant than school. So  if you have to take another semester or however long you need then do that. But without consistent sobriety you cant have a future.

 

Good luck, and keep investing in your sobriety - whether it is detox or spending time under blankets and suffering it out. Its worth it.

[swervecity]

Thank you. That benzo withdrawal caught up to me. These detox/rehab centers that charge insurance/patients $500 a day to give them a few low doses of librium and then sends them into the world after "the 4-day protocol" should be cracked down on. They were flipping beds like burgers; meanwhile I'm at home experiencing what my research showed to be all of the first signs of death. Total failure in the medical field. And apparently an underground issue that has yet to reach the surface. That big dollar sign rules this country.

 

I went over the paperwork, and nowhere in the list of papers I signed did it say they would keep my pills when I left...and the nurses were acting a little giddy the next day too...hmm. Looking into a lawsuit, or at least doing all I can to expose these places.

 

Thank God my pharmacist worked with me today, and my doctor will help me do this slowly, if at all.

 

Still doesn't change the fact that the Adderall abuse wrecked my semester and almost my reputation on campus entirely. At least that's gone and I feel fine now as far as withdrawal and cravings.

 

 

*Noticing my shit syntax in writing since I kicked the Adderall though. I'm sloppy.

[JustinW]

I went over the paperwork, and nowhere in the list of papers I signed did it say they would keep my pills when I left...and the nurses were acting a little giddy the next day too...hmm. Looking into a lawsuit, or at least doing all I can to expose these places.

Focus on your recovery first, that will take all of your energy.  Take up the battle once you have your own house in order if you still feel passionate about it.  Your success is what is important at this point.

[swervecity]

First, I read through all of your stories. The ups and downs of Adderall. Know that I am with all of you on that. I pray for wisdom to make the right choices for you regarding what is best for your health. I haven't been heavy on responses or getting too involved here yet because I'm still working through some of these issues. So know that my prayers and love are with all of you, and once I overcome all of this, I hope I will be of service to this community as I know how important a forum like this is.

 

Update:

 

I know this is an Adderall forum and I have addressed multiple issues, including a variety of medications as well as my personal beliefs on spirituality and psychiatry. For that, I will not apologize; however, if it has caused anyone to be turned off or question their particular situation, know that was not my intention. --Remember, I'm coming off of a lot of crazy medications. I'm not entirely sane just yet.

 

My primary care doctor has put me on a slow benzodiazepine withdrawal tapering schedule. Which is currently working well. I am slowly removing the Klonopin (a highly potent benzo with a long-life) to Valium (a low potent benzo with an extremely long half life). I'm almost transitioned to the valium, and from there we'll take it down a notch by the week. Good thing is, the doctor is extremely compassionate and understanding and willing to go as slow as I require. Bless her.

 

Unfortunately, this leaves me in limbo here at school. There are no inpatient programs that do slow benzo tapering as well as treatment of underlying issues. And Adderall and I kind of made a mess of the semester over the last month and a half. So, in some aspects I have absolutely no clue what direction I am heading in. But...I'm at peace. Getting off that adderall was a MAJOR weight lifted off my shoulders, and my health is decent enough for me to salvage the semester.

 

All of my professors seem to be willing to work with me in order to get the credits for what I've paid for. So, hopefully the A work I've done up until this point won't go to waste. I am highly considering staying to complete the semester, however a bit worried that it may be pretty stressful. The amount of make up work has already made me crave Adderall! :-O But I won't go there. And who knows how bad this benzo withdrawal will be in the coming weeks. I do not expect it to be a cake walk -- both the detox and the adjustment to schoolwork while detoxing and not having Adderall.

 

Any insight is appreciated. Blessings to you all.

 

 

I will keep you posted, and look forward to all of the success stories in the future. Praying this will one day help someone. 

 

P.S.: I am eating again. And, I'm not staying up for 3 days straight. Also, my depression has nearly diminished. Adderall users and abusers who are quitting, HOLD ON and keep moving forward. It is worth it.

[JustinW]

Thanks for the update, I'm glad to hear that things are progressing in a positive direction for you.

[Zerokewl]

Stay on course. Might as well try to finish the semester, learning to work,think again is part of the recovery process.