Freedom's Wings Posted September 28, 2013 Report Share Posted September 28, 2013 **Disclaimer** These are totally Random Thoughts, Arghhhhh....Ok..so what the hell is this insomnia, followed by maybe 4.5 hours of light sleep, only to wake or should I say jolt from my slumber, dead ass early in the morning as if i'm well rested, yet have just realized that I'm an hour late for work. ..And while at least that might even seem a slightly normal reaction if only I had to work except ...it's my freaking weekend off! And i'm waking up in full on fight or flight mode..What is this?? Hmmm... might that be a tingle of ire rousing ?? This is irritating. 2nd day this has happened. But no seriously...In this moment, in sensing my emotions, all I can rally together is this giant force field of rogue anxieties, which also seems to be what woke me in the first damn place! I literally feel awakened by anxiety, by the fear of threat. My central nervous system feels all out of whack. Has this happened to anyone else?? I'm sure this isn't healthy nor a healthy pattern of sleep. Why am I fearful? And what exactly am I afraid of? I think I will lay here and relax for a while and gingerly remind myself that everything is okay....I honestly have no clue why I'm in full on fight or flight mode. There is this impending sense of abandonment as if everyone is gonna leaveme, which in turn, gives me this cosmic urge to contact my whole list of 3 people to see if they still care about me. I feel so very alone. This is tough.Also, this morning, I've had a couple thoughts of reusing which is NOT going to happen. But right now I believe I am just panicking and panicky for whatever reasons and experiencing these raw emotions [that for the most part, I've grown unused to coping with,] is causing my brain to wanna run, screaming run for the rx bottle/ my bestie. [ Inner dialogue:] Addy never makes me feel stupid or gives me awkward reactions and looks like people do. No, Addy says are you crazy? knock it off! Look at you?! You're amazing! Then, goes on to remind me in the face of any situation or awkward encounter, exactly how and why I am " the shit." And at the very least, while donning my super pseudo- confident stunt double, I wont make an utter fool of myself by calling someone, sounding super needy, dependent, and desperate... {Back 2 Reality} Shit happens. As in these trying times, I have noOne in my life right now to which my socially awkward behavior wouldn't or doesn't just come off as manical or to whom I wouldn't find my weaknesses at their mercy or being later being used in some ploy as a kind of twisted bargaining chip .. Sadly, I feel that although everyone knows about my addiction, and I don't overall feel judged by them, that It's better to keep calm and play nice with the people with which i'm currently encircled. Although, they're but a few to begin with, none of them truly "get" me, seem honestly interested in attempting to, or firmly appear to wholly grasp, if only, the sheer magnitude of this issue. So....all I can do for now is try to remain as positive as possible and pray to the divine that this day rhythms itself out steadily, perhaps with an upbeat, and go from there. Btw : It may be important to note that here recently I lost a relationship that had never gone so well anyway, still as it stood, was really my only "consistent" form of socialization and interpersonal stability. So, " pardon my French, but i'm in France." - Shout out to Kanye West, The shit is hitting the fan especially hard right now. Anywhoo I'm going to wrap this thing up as it was never my intent to ramble on this morning but for some reason I have a quicky, somewhat unsettling feeling that I got a wholeee lot more to say. ...oh the journey of life's travels. To Live is to evolve and this I know is but one of life's many transitions. In the end, " I am" certain I WILL BE victorious. How am I so sure one might ask?? And if so, well the answer is simple ..because "I am" a champion! That's how I know. And... With that I will leave off with a quote from Joel Olsteen : " Whatever follows " I am" is going to come looking for you. " Therefore I stand in my victory! Because " I am" a champion! Til Next Time my beLoveds, if not good *naughty naughty* ... May you be weLL! Fw Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted September 29, 2013 Report Share Posted September 29, 2013 Btw : It may be important to note that here recently I lost a relationship that had never gone so well anyway, still as it stood, was really my only "consistent" form of socialization and interpersonal stability. So, " pardon my French, but i'm in France." - Shout out to Kanye West, The shit is hitting the fan especially hard right now. Classic. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunax Posted September 30, 2013 Report Share Posted September 30, 2013 lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freedom's Wings Posted October 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 lol What is life if you can't laugh at yourself, ya kno. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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