My story

[ddw5053]

Hello my name is Donny and I believe "we build the world around us".  I am disappointed with myself and the world I have built.  At 23 there is hardly anything left of the person I used to be.  

 

 I attempted to quit for good in February until relapsing four months later before finals.  I immediately picked up right where I left off, popping many addies, smoking many cigs, and never sleeping or eating.  I convinced myself it would all be worth it when I aced my finals for the semester.  Since then I have continued to go "on and off" taking adderall with no real attempts to stop permantely.  I do not get my own prescription anymore.  The adderall I do still get is from friends and family about every two weeks.  I normally spend the two weeks sober laying around the house, smoking weed, and working out.  As an adderall user I've learned to go to the gym immediately after a adderall binge in order to regain the lbs and muscle.  In fact, that's the only real change I made in February during my sober months.  I forced myself to start going to the gym consistently and made it a part of my life.  I changed my body physically and improved my health. 

 

But the one thing I still couldn't change was mindset.  My mindset was still overriden by thoughts of adderall.  I still thought negatively about everything I did.  I constantly blamed my sober self for not being good enough.   Not being as good as I should be if I never took adderall.  Or not being diciplined enough to be able to take adderall while using it sparingly/wisely/beneficially/not dependentally/honeymoon stage.  Even more negative thoughts poured in about my academic potential.  Trying to study felt pointless and unrewarding.  I felt so naked without adderall and was unable to define who I was anymore.

    

What hurt the most was still not regaining my confidence back.  I believed I would at least socialize more, eliminate inconsistency, and form more lasting and meaningful friendships.  But I still felt damaged internally and viewed myself as different because of my adderall crazed past.  My body language and dialougue was very fast paced and unnatural.  I felt helpless sometimes and had no control to just relax and live in the moment.  I absolutely believe adderall has effected my ability to live in the present.  Living in the present is natural for babies, yet as an adult I waste time living in the past or future.  

 

Pathetic this is the life I built.  I do intend on fully recovering this time through various new methods.  But I must admit that adderall cannot be blamed for everything.  Every person on this site can quit adderall, and it doesn't mean they're gonna have unlimited success.  Getting off adderall is just the beginning.  Then the rest is up to you.  How will you change your way of thinking?  How will you step up and make the moves necessary for success?  If you limit your sober self to being a less worthy and capable person than how will you change?  I have learned that in order to stop taking adderall forever!, I will have to think extremely positive and confident.  I need to replace the feelings I produced from adderall with knew ones I never imagined.  I need to think outside the box.  

 

Some basic rules I must live by in order to not just stop taking adderall, but Change...

1.) Slow down let life come to you

2.) Realize you have to recreate a meaningful relationship with yourself  

3.) Consciously embrace every life oppurtunity and seek human connection

4.)If your like me and study on pretty much speed, realize that will completely change

5.) For me personally, academics are the sole reason I can convince myself adderall is ok sometimes.  So how will you not just dullessly attempt to study, but instead make it inspiring and captivating in an entire new light. 

6.) Redefine yourself!! You are nothing you have been and you are not your beliefs!! I can't stand when people have been clean for 2 years or more but still post about how sad there life is.  If you've been clean for 2 years and still aren't happy, that because YOU haven't created happiness.  It's adderall not herione.  And if people can overcome that and other harder drugs why are you still whining about adderall? I think the worst thing about adderall (other than addictive amphetamine) is its deceptiveness.  Doctors, parents, teachers, make people think it's a wonder drug not a evil drug.

7.) You must find a way to be sober and always believe that you CAN change.  If you lose sight of that then change doesn't last.

8.)Always remember that your life is what you make it.  We build the world around us.  You can blame adderall for the past, but at some point you must take responsibility and own up. 

9.) Reconnect with your past self.  What made you you then? Would you have ever sacrificed social skills for adderall effects?

10.) I'm not gonna deny anymore the fact that I have been socially rude, unnatural, and impatient from taking adderall.  I must absolutely find a way to regain my confidence and social swag.  To think back in high school I was a jock and valued socialization and communication over anything.

11.) Realize the difference between avoiding adderall and quitting adderall. To avoid adderall is to run from it, not be around it, similar to aa.  I'm not saying aa isn't useful and necessary for some people, but I do believe what people lack is dicipline.  Quitting adderall should mean that person doesn't take it regardless of if they have a full bottle right in front of them.  That to me is a true recovery.  I want to be able to understand why I don't need it.  Understand that I don't need it.  Understand what was good about it and what was bad.  And why the cons don't even come close to the security of being yourself.  

11.) Surround yourself with good people and a good environment.  I realized 1 week ago I must not just move from my old environment, but must find a good new one.  One where I can focus on redefining myself.  Thankfully I have just moved from Baltimore to Seattle to live with my older sister her husband and 4 kids.  I hope that this change of enviroment and support allows me to finally stop, move on, and grow.

 

Lastly, I believe I must come closer with God.  I would be lying if I said I've had any relationship with the big man the last 5 years of my life.  My family raised me Christian and went to church every week blah blah blah.  But the point is after my family split and I hit 16 drinking, partying, etc. took over, I never looked back.  And I have always believed that even the rich are poor without some kind faith or spirtuality.  My sister and their family are devout Christians and although an adjustment, I am ready to seek new meaning in life than just adderall. 

 

A friend of mine who completely changed his life around from in and out of jail, to owning his own house, business etc. at only 22, told me "I think if we all just stopped and trusted in God's plan for us, life would be alot easier".  Makes me wonder if he's on to something, because he has the most uncomplicated, rich, successful life of all my friends.

 

I will keep everyone posted who's interested to let you know if my knew philosophy, enviroment, and relationship with God changes anything.  I know the pain and uncertainity this drug has brought many like me, and want to prove real change is growth is possible.

[Cassie]

Welcome to the forums. I can tell you have the desire to quit and you realize how Adderall has negatively affected you. Can I share with you a few things that helped me break the psychological addiction and gain confidence (not right away but in time)?

 

1) Write a list of everything negative about Adderall (i.e. took away my confidence, made me antisocial, etc) and always have it on hand to read. This was a suggestion from InRecovery on these forums. Keep adding to the list whenever you think of something new. After a year I was still adding to the list. The reason? The further away you get from Adderall, the more you will only remember the good, honeymoon phase. You have to constantly remind yourself of the bad so you don't romanticize it.

 

2) Write a list of the 10 best times in your life. Describe what you were doing, who you were with and how you felt, in vivid detail. Look over the list and really remember these experiences. I got this exercise from a book and it's one of the only self help type things that has really helped me. When I made the list, I realized that none of these experiences involved Adderall or drugs of any kind. They all involved being with people I really cared about and new experiences, like traveling to foreign countries. It's impossible to avoid thinking about the past - we're adults, not babies. So, we need to build a library of positive memories as a go-to.

 

3) Realize that it will take time for your brain chemistry to repair, and much of that is beyond your control. It's like the serenity prayer - accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.
 

4) Accept that some things in life are boring, like work and studying for tests. You may never be able to make studying boring topics "inspiring and captivating" without the use of a drug. Living without Adderall means relearning to get through these things despite them being boring, instead of trying (frustratingly) to change the nature of the tasks and how you feel about them.
 

I think sometimes we want to change, but are really vague about how to go about it, and then we get frustrated with our progress. "Think outside the box," Let life come to you, Redefine yourself" This advice to yourself in your post sounds good, but what does it mean? It's just platitudes, really. The more specific ideas you have to quit and not relapse, the more successful I believe you'll be. I think moving in with your sister in a different state is a great idea. I have a friend who quit meth by moving to Utah to live with his sister for a year. He said he could not have gotten clean if he hadn't completely removed himself from his environment for awhile. That sounds like a great plan.

[JustinW]

A friend of mine who completely changed his life around from in and out of jail, to owning his own house, business etc. at only 22, told me "I think if we all just stopped and trusted in God's plan for us, life would be alot easier".  Makes me wonder if he's on to something, because he has the most uncomplicated, rich, successful life of all my friends.

 Yes, what if we really believed what we say we believe?

 

I look forward to hearing about your progress on your journey quitting adderall and spiritually.

[ddw5053]

 Yes, what if we really believed what we say we believe?

Can you expand on that?

[ddw5053]

Welcome to the forums. I can tell you have the desire to quit and you realize how Adderall has negatively affected you. Can I share with you a few things that helped me break the psychological addiction and gain confidence (not right away but in time)?

 

1) Write a list of everything negative about Adderall (i.e. took away my confidence, made me antisocial, etc) and always have it on hand to read. This was a suggestion from InRecovery on these forums. Keep adding to the list whenever you think of something new. After a year I was still adding to the list. The reason? The further away you get from Adderall, the more you will only remember the good, honeymoon phase. You have to constantly remind yourself of the bad so you don't romanticize it.

 

2) Write a list of the 10 best times in your life. Describe what you were doing, who you were with and how you felt, in vivid detail. Look over the list and really remember these experiences. I got this exercise from a book and it's one of the only self help type things that has really helped me. When I made the list, I realized that none of these experiences involved Adderall or drugs of any kind. They all involved being with people I really cared about and new experiences, like traveling to foreign countries. It's impossible to avoid thinking about the past - we're adults, not babies. So, we need to build a library of positive memories as a go-to.

 

3) Realize that it will take time for your brain chemistry to repair, and much of that is beyond your control. It's like the serenity prayer - accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

4) Accept that some things in life are boring, like work and studying for tests. You may never be able to make studying boring topics "inspiring and captivating" without the use of a drug. Living without Adderall means relearning to get through these things despite them being boring, instead of trying (frustratingly) to change the nature of the tasks and how you feel about them.

 

I think sometimes we want to change, but are really vague about how to go about it, and then we get frustrated with our progress. "Think outside the box," Let life come to you, Redefine yourself" This advice to yourself in your post sounds good, but what does it mean? It's just platitudes, really. The more specific ideas you have to quit and not relapse, the more successful I believe you'll be. I think moving in with your sister in a different state is a great idea. I have a friend who quit meth by moving to Utah to live with his sister for a year. He said he could not have gotten clean if he hadn't completely removed himself from his environment for awhile. That sounds like a great plan.

Hey thanks alot for your input.  I totally agree with you that some things in life are just boring and "you will never be able to make boring topics captivating".  Going back to childhood (before adderall) I remember doing homework and it was never fun.  It was just putting in the hard work which I still need to realize is the inevitable result without adderall.

 

Also I absolutely agree that writing a list of all the negatives is a good idea.  I have definitely romanticized my memories with adderall many times before.  In fact that probably happens within two weeks after I try and stay clean for good.

 

Hopefully my brain can recover with time.  That is one of the scariest thoughts about stopping forever.  Is the courage I will need to take each day to control my scrambled brain.

 

Again thanks alot very helpful

[LILTEX41]

Welcome to the forum, DDW. You'll do just fine. Sounds like you have a serious game plan here and lots of determination to beat it. 

 

So did you quit already?  I don't think you mentioned that part. If not, when is the big day?

[LILTEX41]

3:00 am and I woke up with this strange burning desire to add a few more thoughts to this post.

So here we go!

Ahem.

Dear Donny,

I don't think one has to think extremely positive and confident to stop taking adderall. There is a lot of info on this site and suggestions. Do NOT get overwhelmed. It's really very simple. Just stop taking adderall. That's all that you need to do to quit. Remember that.

The other thing I wanted to mention is in response to #6 on your list. I felt pretty offended for all of those people you are attacking with this comment. Typically, in my humble 20 years of experience of working with recovering addicts, happy optimistic people do not start abusing alcohol and/or drugs. Most addicts are self medicating some type of underlying issue ranging from anything such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, on and on, etc. When you quit your drug of choice you get all your original issuesback, plus you lose your coping mechanism. Finding happiness in recovery is NOT a simple process. You don't just wake up and say, "hey everybody, look at me! I quit and now I'm all better and life is fking great!" It takes some serious work and until you have 2 years clean yourself, please do not go around attacking others who are working their ass off to stay clean and get their lives on track. They deserve respect. It doesn't matter what the substance is in my opinion. Adderall was my heroine. I never in a million years thought I'd be able or willing to give it up, but I did and I am grateful that I haven't relapsed. I cherish my recovery more than anything in life because I know how hard it's been at times and a struggle. But it is one worth fighting for and for anyone else that is able to overcome their demons in life, my hat is off to them!

So please, all I ask fromyou going forward is that you respect the people here and we will respect you. This is a great network and support group. People you can count on to lift your spirits any time of day or night who have been in your shoes. You CAN this if you want it bad enough. We will help you in any way we can. Just keep pushing forward and keep it simple. Stop taking the pills and be lazy as you want for awhile. Take it easy and get better!

Hugs!

[JustinW]

Can you expand on that?

There is a difference between knowing something and believing it.  True belief causes action.  So many people promote charity as part of their belief system, but how many of them actually practice it?

 

Your friend truly believes that God has a plan for his life and that belief causes the action of trusting God for direction (at least that is my assumption from what you communicated).  So I say "good for your friend" as authenticity tends to be a problem in our society regardless of religious bent.

[Cassie]

The other thing I wanted to mention is in response to #6 on your list. I felt pretty offended for all of those people you are attacking with this comment. Typically, in my humble 20 years of experience of working with recovering addicts, happy optimistic people do not start abusing alcohol and/or drugs. Most addicts are self medicating some type of underlying issue ranging from anything such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, on and on, etc. When you quit your drug of choice you get all your original issuesback, plus you lose your coping mechanism. Finding happiness in recovery is NOT a simple process. You don't just wake up and say, "hey everybody, look at me! I quit and now I'm all better and life is fking great!" It takes some serious work and until you have 2 years clean yourself, please do not go around attacking others who are working their ass off to stay clean and get their lives on track. They deserve respect. It doesn't matter what the substance is in my opinion. Adderall was my heroine. I never in a million years thought I'd be able or willing to give it up, but I did and I am grateful that I haven't relapsed. I cherish my recovery more than anything in life because I know how hard it's been at times and a struggle. But it is one worth fighting for and for anyone else that is able to overcome their demons in life, my hat is off to them!

So please, all I ask fromyou going forward is that you respect the people here and we will respect you. This is a great network and support group. People you can count on to lift your spirits any time of day or night who have been in your shoes. You CAN this if you want it bad enough. We will help you in any way we can. Just keep pushing forward and keep it simple. Stop taking the pills and be lazy as you want for awhile. Take it easy and get better!

Hugs!

True, one positive thing about going through an addiction and recovery is that it gives you humility and empathy. Oh, how I used to look my nose down at people when I was taking Adderall, all those unmotivated, unproductive people. How the tables have turned, lol.

[ddw5053]

3:00 am and I woke up with this strange burning desire to add a few more thoughts to this post.

So here we go!

Ahem.

Dear Donny,

I don't think one has to think extremely positive and confident to stop taking adderall. There is a lot of info on this site and suggestions. Do NOT get overwhelmed. It's really very simple. Just stop taking adderall. That's all that you need to do to quit. Remember that.

The other thing I wanted to mention is in response to #6 on your list. I felt pretty offended for all of those people you are attacking with this comment. Typically, in my humble 20 years of experience of working with recovering addicts, happy optimistic people do not start abusing alcohol and/or drugs. Most addicts are self medicating some type of underlying issue ranging from anything such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, on and on, etc. When you quit your drug of choice you get all your original issuesback, plus you lose your coping mechanism. Finding happiness in recovery is NOT a simple process. You don't just wake up and say, "hey everybody, look at me! I quit and now I'm all better and life is fking great!" It takes some serious work and until you have 2 years clean yourself, please do not go around attacking others who are working their ass off to stay clean and get their lives on track. They deserve respect. It doesn't matter what the substance is in my opinion. Adderall was my heroine. I never in a million years thought I'd be able or willing to give it up, but I did and I am grateful that I haven't relapsed. I cherish my recovery more than anything in life because I know how hard it's been at times and a struggle. But it is one worth fighting for and for anyone else that is able to overcome their demons in life, my hat is off to them!

So please, all I ask fromyou going forward is that you respect the people here and we will respect you. This is a great network and support group. People you can count on to lift your spirits any time of day or night who have been in your shoes. You CAN this if you want it bad enough. We will help you in any way we can. Just keep pushing forward and keep it simple. Stop taking the pills and be lazy as you want for awhile. Take it easy and get better!

Hugs!

Hey I appreciate your input and thoughts.  I knew that with #6 I could cause a few flags with some people.  I did not mean anything by it or to take it personal, it is just my opinion.  It could also be because as I am predicting my own recovery, I want to be past everything related to adderall in two years.  I have been on since 8th grade (ten years) so maybe that's wishful thinking.  But I also understand what you are saying about the "underlying issues" and that may be some of my own reasons for relapsing last time.  Maybe I need to realize there is more than just the simple temptation of taking adderall.  Maybe there is some kind of underlying effect in my own life I have not realized and still need to cope with and control.  I have not been sober for 2 years yet either but I absolutely respect anyone who has done that, because I have only lasted 4 and 6 months myself.

 

I thank you and everyone for the support I hope we all overcome these demons as well.

[ddw5053]

Welcome to the forum, DDW. You'll do just fine. Sounds like you have a serious game plan here and lots of determination to beat it. 

 

So did you quit already?  I don't think you mentioned that part. If not, when is the big day?

I took my last vyvane (adderall substitute) about three days ago.  I have not gotten my own prescription since February 2013 and have been relying on friends and family since May 2013 when I relapsed.  So I am not one of those people who are on their first rodeo attempting to quit after consistent prescriptions and access to adderall.  Since May I have been switching on and off taking amphetamines of any kind.  Generally I get some adderall/vyvane, take it all within a few days, and then come down off my high with plans of never taking it again.  I last about two/three weeks and then have that random day where I need to get something done (college application, college courses, etc.) and convince myself I NEED to get some medicine.  Then it starts all over with me studying/working in my room for days straight and ending with the realization I need to never take it again.  It's a vicious loop, but I experienced with lasting a few weeks or even months without it.  I have failed long term though and may need to be more active with this site for at least a year or so.

[LILTEX41]

Ddw,

I can only imagine how much harder it must be to quit amphetamines after being on them since 8th grade. My heart goes out to you as your whole young adult life has involved the use of these drugs. I think you are basically going to have to rewire your brain by creating new habits and associations in order to break free from the deeply entrenched wiring going on from adderall usage. I would recommend trying to develop new study habits completely seperate from any way you used to study on adderall. Study in a different place, change routines (time of day you study), reduce any additional stress in your life, and just try to break all association with use of amphetamines. It is through the creation of these new habits along with lots of repetition that will help you to recover faster. The brain can heal itself. Trust in this and remind yourself that everyday you don't take adderall you are getting better and better. Know that everytime you go back to it you will have to start this whole process all over again. Is it worth it? That is up for you to decide. How soon do you want to be free? How much longer do you have want to postpone getting in touch with the real authentic you?

You are so young and even though you are dealing with this struggle right now, just know that this is part of God's plan for your life in some way. Fighting this battle will teach you to dig deep within and find strength to overcome. It will develop your character and strengthen you every way shape and form. There may be times when you feel weak and like you can't muster another day without it, but be rest assured those are the days that you are growing the MOST. By building that resistance muscle and not giving in you will someday look back and not know how you did it, but suddenly it will be easy and you will be forever grateful for this battle made you who you are!

I am really pulling for you and I understand what you said about wanting to be free in 2 years better now that you clarified. Thank you for that. Just try to keep in mind that this is your journey. Everyone recovers at their own pace. Maybe in 2 years clean time you will be amazingly flying strong, happy, and free!! You very well could be! This is your new beginning and it will be whatever you want it to be.

Stay strong and keep pushing on!