This is tougher than I thought. Suggestions?

[swervecity]

For those of you that do not know my "story," here are some key points before I get into the topic at hand:
 

• 13 years of solid, illicit chemical addiction (ages 16-29) -- First to hallucinogens, then to prescription pills
• 1 and 1/2 years entirely sober, eating healthy, running up to 30miles/week getting sun -- all around joyful.
• Went back to college August 2012 (13 mo. sober).
• Started taking medications for panic attacks (Klonopin)
• Eventually wound up on Klonopin, Adderall, Soma, and Ambien. Stayed on the first two for about a year (binging on Adderall), the other two for about 6 months (binging on both) *Keep in mind, all but the Adderall destroy your memory.
• October 1, 2013, knew it was time to get off the meds.
• October 2, 2013, accidental overdose. From the ER to a 4 day detox. All meds tossed, released because my vital signs were "okay".
• The night I got home, the benzo withdrawal really kicked in, felt like I was dying. Talked to doctor, currently on a slow taper. No longer feel like I am dying.
• Contemplated withdrawing from the semester because I fell way behind and believed I needed further treatment. Unfortunately, no treatment facilities do slow benzo withdrawal's while "treating" me. So, I got stuck.
• Decided to attempt to finish the semester as opposed to losing $15,000 and/or getting all F's, lowering my GPA from a 3.97 to, what....a 1.75?
• All professors are on board with allowing my me to make up the work (medical documents help). The only "non-negotiable" factor is I must attend 70% of all of my classes.

So here I am on "fall break" until wednesday. A couple of my teachers gave me some assignments to begin working on making up. Now I thought things were under control with the benzo thing and the Adderall out of my system, but as I sit here trying to unpack and write about the autobiography of Malcolm X and ancient texts like Gilgamesh, The Odyssey and Confessions I am having an EXTREMELY difficult time finding the motivation to do so. And when I do, I can only do a tiny bit at a time or I feel like my head is going to explode due to the way my brain is slowly processing the information.

 

Fortunately I am only taking 12 credits, but it still seems like a lot...not only continuing on with current assignments, but making up half a semester's worth also. I...need...help. Practical advice? Despite obvious evidence that Adderall nearly destroyed everything I worked so hard to build up, I was (and still am), insanely considering going to my primary doctor and asking for another medication in the same class (stimulants), but at a lower dose.

 

 

Thanks,

Overwhelmed.

[JustinW]

It's tough to read large portions of anything post adderall.  You are retraining your brain how to absorb information without stimulants.  My method is to work at reading small chunks of things that are interesting to me and read a little more each time.  Think of it like going to the gym, when you find an exercise that you like do you load up as much weight as possible or do you work up to higher weights?  That being said, I'm not real strict on my program so I have trouble reading even long posts on this site.  This is one of the most difficult facets of recovery for me.  I don't envy your position where you are required to read large portions of archaic works; especially if you don't find it intellectually stimulating.

[swervecity]

Thanks, Justin...I am trying. Bit by bit. Still lacking motivation on the two midterms i have to make up, the readings, quizzes, and 4-7 essays I've missed.

 

Feeling like there is no one to talk to about this who gets it. Benzo withdrawal + Adderall Withdrawal + abundance of school work (it took me all day to read, process and write 3 pages on an 8 page document. the result was pretty decent, but I have two months, not two years here...on the adderall + klonopin, I'd have 10 pages written by now --7 of which would have probably been intelligent sounding nonsense, but still...)

 

Logically, it would make sense to lift the stress of the semester off my shoulders and get through this. Reasonably, the teachers are very graceful thus far. But I don't know if I can do this. And losing $15,000 and living with my parents for the next few months seems just about as stressful....

 

I am really interested in what all of you have to say here...I am about 95% certain that I am going to call my doctor tomorrow, set up an appointment for Thursday, and tell her that I need to go back on a low dose of Klonopin and perhaps Vyvanse (or even Adderall) until I have a stress-free period to come off of this, which would either be taking the spring semester off, or staying on the medication until May 2014. <---that, to my re-wiring brain seems logical. I do not want to make the wrong decision.

 

Sorry if I sound desperate or just complaining....but, I am.

 

Thanks.

[Naterdogg1]

You don't have to apologize for being desperate, this is a very tough thing to go through! Basically the way I see it you have 3 choices:

 

1. Avoid adderall and get your grades up by any means necessary. It could require a ton of caffeine as well as longer and more boring study periods.

 

2. Go back on adderall and get off of it as soon as you finish school. Just a warning though, it won't be easy to stop and you will rationalize every possible excuse to stay on it.

 

3. Look into more mild stimulants that run less of a dependency risk like rhodiola rosea, deprenyl, energy drinks, piracetam, nuvigil or provigil. They wouldn't help nearly as much as adderall, but they would help take the ease off.

 

If it were me though I would stick with 1 or 3. Combine these treatments with some cardio exercises and you will see some pretty big improvements. The less reliant you can be of any substance though, the better off you will feel about yourself and your health. You don't have to rush anything though, especially in your case!

 

keep us posted

[LILTEX41]

Swerve,

 

So what is 12 credits? Is that like 4 classes?  What about another option like dropping 2 classes (at least you'd only be losing like $7,500) and focus on getting A's on 2 classes without Adderall?  You could really hammer the 2 classes without all the stress and slowly learn new tricks to studying without Adderall.  Just a thought.

 

IF it were me, I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to refrain from taking any meds.  You got this far..why go back now?  You are just prolonging the dependency and who knows when and if you will ever have this desire again down the road. I did this again and again with Adderall.  "I just need it to function at work since I have this project due.  I just need it to lose 10 lbs. I just need it since I started this new job, new schedule, too much stress in my life," on and on, etc..  ANY excuse possible to rationalize going back on it always seemed legit at the time.  It was SO EASY to rationalize.  As soon as the thoughts started creeping in..I'd be back calling the doc within 24 hours typically.  Then 3 or 4 months down the road, BOOM!  Something BIG and awful would happen all over again.  I'd try to tell convince myself that all these other "problems" in my life were not related, but they were.  Adderall was the cornerstone of every single issue I had.  Not saying it's like that with you...I really don't know your story at all, but I just know what it was like for me.  If you are looking for support to go back on a low dose of an ADHD medication, I'm sorry, but I can not tell you I think it's a good idea.  I would stay far away from the doctor.  I would get outside and get some fresh air, exercise, and yoga.  I would steer clear from as much stress as possible and make my life pretty easy breezy...and FUN.  I would find things to do I enjoyed and do them. 

 

That's all I got for you my friend.   I wish you the best of luck and believe you will make the right decision that works for you.  You CAN DO THIS!

 

Hugs!

[swervecity]

Thank you, brothers and sisters. Your words have been helpful.

 

It is 1:07pm EST and I have yet to call the doctor; but I'll be damned if I don't want to REALLY bad. Too easy though. I'm gunna take the hard road on this one and see where I end up.

 

Down to a very low dose of Valium for the benzo detox, and days are up and down -- which I expect. Still lacking motivation to do any school work. We'll see how that changes once I move back to PA tonight following this little fall break and get back into the classroom and converse with the professors, etc. I haven't been in class in weeks because of this.

 

Stimulants -- what a mess! (In my case).