Never a good time to quit.. amirite?

[sciencesuccess]

Here's me:

The set up:
I've always had ADD concentration issues and laziness. I've always felt like I wasn't fulfilling my potential of doing great things for the world and my family.   For all my life, even since elementary school, teachers, family, and friends always told me my "work ethic and laziness" (really it was my inability to concentrate or gather motivation, likely a minor dopamine deficiency) was limiting a major gift for intelligence and creativity. I've always had this idea that if I just tried harder, everything I wanted could be mine, and everything I wanted to do I could accomplish.  

 

The trigger:
My latest endeavor is starting a political organization, which I firmly believe, if successful, will have an incredibly positive effect on the world, and also provide for my family.  Of course, my focus, disorganization, and motivation was the main limiting factor.  Then my mother (always been pushing for me to get on ritalin since I was a kid), handed me a vileful of adderall XR, from a script her husband doesn't use, for the purpose of losing weight (she's basically a stepford wife in real life, it's funny).  Now as an adult, hooked on coffee and occassionally nicotine, I wasn't resistant, and decided to pop 1 1/2, to feel a buzz during some boring web design.  

The honeymoon:
It was incredible, what I expected to take me three days, I finished in 7 hours, and in the midst of working, I did everything I always wanted to but could never had the discipline for: I ate only the healthiest of food, I exercised efficiently, I got back in touch with friends but without ignoring other obligations, I sent a love letter to my wife, etc.  So i started taking it every other day or so, and then every day.  It was incredible.  I'm horrible at public speaking, my voice shakes, I screw up words, and I'm monotone and boring.  I was scheduled for the biggest speech I had ever given.  With extra adderall, three cups of coffee and a couple cigarettes beforehand, my speech somehow became passionate and energetic. I pounded my fist on the podium at one point, not ever practicing that.  I got a standing ovation, and several other requests for more speaking engagements.  I dealt with people who had always given me a hard time like a God.  It was awesome.  Plus, the political organization I'm starting really began to take off faster and with more energy then I had even hoped for.  

The crash:
But OF COURSE, I overreached.  My tolerance shot up after too many sleepless nights working, too much caffeine and adderall, not enough healthy food, circadian rythyms out of whack etc.  I never upped my dosage too high (took 50mg a day at the peak of tolerance), knowing that it was a battle I'd never be able to win, but I tried combining it with other drugs like modafinil, piracetam, and massive amounts of caffeine, nicotine, and other weird herbal stuff with thermogenic and CNS stimulating effects.  I slept only odd hours, only ate in a last ditch effort to give myself calories and nutrients, and eventually, my brain functioned even worse than before adderall.  Plus, I lost my place in the world.  Not only could I not produce, but I couldn't be appreciative of anything, I didn't enjoy anything but accomplishment, and I had none.  I felt like a fish out of water flopping around on a deck with no hope of getting back in the ocean.  Eventually, after I missed an incredibly important deadline despite more effort than I'd even given, I broke down, and cried for ten minutes.  I'd never failed at anything important that I put my full effort into, only things that I could attribute to laziness or disorganization.  I've never cried since being a kid for more than a quick 2 seconds at a sad movie or a funeral.  

At the same time, I ran out of adderall.  I purposefully didn't get more from my mother (source of medication) before she went on a month long vacation.  I thought it was the right thing to do 3 weeks before the crash, but didn't anticipate the extent of my problems in the future, and didn't think withdrawal would be anything to worry about.  


Now heres the problem:  
I'm in the midst of withdrawal, day 5.  It's killing me.  My mind knows I'm in one of the most important parts of my life up until now, and yet I can't muster motivation to action.  I'm about to send out a campaign to a little over a million people, I'm a week late already, and I can't get it together.  It's like I set up an environment for me to be successful with adderall, but not without it. 

How do I mitigate the damage?  How do I keep moving forward?  All the info on this site suggests I just take a vacation and jerk off for a month or two as my brain starts to heal, but I REALLY don't want to let go of this opportunity.  I've worked harder for it than anything else I've ever done.  And luckily, (actually luckily, I had nothing to do with this, just the way the cards fell), my motivation for this project isn't just fueled by the adderall.  This is my calling in life, it's the best way to give my personality to the world, and the thing that makes me feel the most alive.  

Any advice?  Your experience and your wisdom as a community of people who have likely been through the same type of struggle is invaluable to me.  I'm smart enough to know that I'm not smart enough / don't have enough time to get smart enough to figure this out on my own.    

[Cassie]

"My mind knows I'm in one of the most important parts of my life up until now, and yet I can't muster motivation to action."

 

If you want to keep moving forward with your project without Adderall, you'll have to figure out some way to do it in the absence of motivation. It's really hard, and why the advice on this site is to not push yourself at all for the first few months. Especially in the early months off Adderall, you can't muster motivation. Sometimes motivation might come after you start something, or it might not come at all. The best you can hope for is that you start working on the project and then get a bit motivated while you're working on it.  

 

If you have to do something self-directedly and there are no consequences for not finishing it, it's going to be especially difficult, because you don't have any fear motivation (i.e. you won't fear getting fired if you don't do this work). So, you'll need to put some outside parameters in place. Maybe you can have your wife drop you off at the library (so you can't leave), and leave you there for a set amount of time (say 2 hours) and that's the time you have to get your campaign thing done. The time restriction, sense of urgency, and accountability to your ride might help.

[Freedom's Wings]

Never a good time to quit.. amirite?- I absolutely concur!   

[JustinW]

All the info on this site suggests I just take a vacation and jerk off for a month or two as my brain starts to heal...

Man, you owe me a new monitor because that was epic.  I don't think that anyone has put it so succinctly.

 

On to the serious stuff.  You can do this.  Adderall is lying to you and you are taking the bait; hook, line, and sinker.  I would put money on the fact that you were probably successful and outgoing before the drugs.  The problem is that there is no free lunch here.  Your mind got used to the addy crutch and you just pulled the rug out from under your brain so its saying "WTF?" and freaking out.  Things will be more difficult to accomplish for a bit but you can accomplish them if you work at it.  You have seen what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it.  The adderall opened your eyes to your true potential.  Now is the time to achieve that true potential which you can only reach when you are off the drugs.

 

Sorry about all the cliche's - it's kinda my schtick

[sciencesuccess]

@JustinW An excellent point, thanks for the great insight.  The drugs expanded the lines of what I thought was my maximum potential, now that the short term benefits are gone, I can use that experience to try and reach that potential without drugs, IN THE LONG TERM, and for the rest of my life, sustainably.  

A great positive spin and a way to turn what I thought was a speed bump into an opportunity for improvement.  Thanks for this, it's seems ideological and broad, but that mental perspective shift changes a lot for me.  

[JustinW]

and hey, when life gives you lemons, make gatorade.

[LILTEX41]

How do I mitigate the damage?  How do I keep moving forward?  All the info on this site suggests I just take a vacation and jerk off for a month or two as my brain starts to heal, but I REALLY don't want to let go of this opportunity.

 

LOL! LOVE this.  Sorry, can't help but laugh. Yes, that is EXACTLY what we want you to do! 

 

No, but for real.  Yeah, it's gonna be a real bitch of an assignment, but YOU CAN DO IT!  The good news is that you actually know what you are PASSIONATE about without Adderall.  Yes, I say use that passion as Bobby Bocher calls it, your "tackling fuel" to stay motivated.

 

And yes, there is never a good time to quit.  It sucks no matter when, what, why, or how.  Suck it up and JUST DO IT! 

 

Hugs!

[Zerokewl]

sciencesucess, 

 

   great post. The only piece of advice I have for you regarding your newsletter is to half ass it and get done. Then go take a nap. It doesn't need to be epic it just needs to be done.