Does this happen to anyone else?

[ddw5053]

So everytime I "quit" adderall the same story happens over and over.  I go on average 4 weeks clean and then convince myself it's ok to take again.  It's like I have one random day where I'm like YUP getting some tonight, getting mad stuff done and staying up late.  However, anymore I don't even do any actual work with it like I used too. Nowadays, when I get adderall I spend almost 95% of that time, thinking about how to quit again. I stay up all night writing/thinking about adderall, why it's bad, why I come back, how to get off, and a million of thoughts.  Ironically, I'm popping mad adderall as I passionately self reflect, believing I will find some deep root cause.  The cause for my failures over and over again to not just "quit" but "move on".  I believe it's very easy to say you quit if your just staying away from it (I've done this).  Whereas, move on is what we all want (at least me).  We all want to be free of something that has constantly effected your life.  Sometimes good but a lot of times bad.  

 

I do come up with some deeper realizations about how to quit when on adderall, but applying is totally different.  After my binge comes to an end, I've literally loaded my head with everything I need to do when I awake.  Unfortantely, I awake my normal self only worse after coming down all the adderall.  I now have to start over again "sober" and hope for the best.  I'm writing this now because I'm coming off of one of those binges.  I want to remember this so I stop pursuing temporary relief and false hopes of a changed life.  It's clear now to me how foolish this plan is.  I spent two nights looking for a revalation that was going to change my life forever.  I felt so great about my ideas they covered every problem/insecurity I had without adderall.  But now it's sleep time and the reality kicks in that I've been fueling this confidence with nothing but adderall.  It will mean much less to me and my ability to apply will have to be much less "crank" and more "heart".  It's like I drank a pint  of liquor before going to rehab ughhh. 

 

I do have one realization that will stick and no more flipflopping.  Earlier, I said I always change my stance about adderall and not sure how to apply to my own life.  My realization is that adderall only works for people in the right mind state, with good self control and dicipline, and is used wisely/moderately.  I can't say that adderall is all bad because I've experienced at it's best.  Not just the honeymoon stage but also when it was just an EXtension of myself.  I realize now that adderall, even when I take the correct dosage, has the ability to effect my personality, confidence, mood, identity, creativity, socialization etc.  For some people they absolutely can take it when needed and be fine.  For me am I coming to completely realize that it's crept it's way into my life at 14 and I'm 23 now.  It been an escape route and neccisity for anything serious when the going gets tough.  I've said numerous times that adderall is my problem blah blah blah, yet I always return.  Why? I believe partly because of misinterpreting the real reason why I want to quit adderall.  Saying it's all adderall is not true.  I've realized now that I just don't have the dicipline and self identity to safely/effectively use it without more problems.

 

I just do not want to once again convince myself that it's ok when school or something similar comes up.  I know tomorrow will suck that is for sure.  And it's almost impossible for me to guarantee any promise I make today for tomorrow.  Basically, what I do and say now does not resignate with me when I'm sober.  I couldn't make one promise to myself now and neccesarrily keep it tomorrow.  My moods, actions, feelings are that different nowadays, why I do not know.  I do know that whether on or off the adderall I have the loosest sense of identity I could have never imagined.  I think it's a result of when I first openly statted "Im quitting adderall" and did for four months.  I now either for guilty for taking it, or naked and no identity/confidence without it.  I have clearly hit one of the lowest points ever in my life.  But I am optimistic, because I'm now an experienced adderall quitter.  I believe sinking quick is better than delaying the inevitable, and I've already delayed it alot.

 

Sorry, I started off with just one thought but it transpired into much more.  I did say I was on adderall right?  But seriously for myself and writing this, I hope I at least realize adderall isn't an option.  I hope I found the courage to do what it takes to change the way I feel about school.  Because without adderall after using for ten years it's a challenge to adjust my way of thinking.  And lastly, I'm going to Really Really try.  I think stopping adderall is the easy part.  The hard part I haven't really actually tried yet is finding new needs to meet my old ones.  I've only found new problems to meet my old ones.  I excuse myself from high expectations because I'm a "adderall victim".  If that was tradeoff for quitting adderall sign me back up.  But no really, I NEED to make myself face uncertainties and find a way to replace crack, I mean adderall.  

 

p.s I wrote this all on my wall so I wont forget tomorrow

[Searchingsoul9]

This was my cycle. I think it is a lot of our cycles.

I tend to forget why i quit after 4 weeks as well. I am on week 2 and i still can recall exactly why i stopped.

I know i will crave it again in the near future, so i made a list of all the reasons why i quit.

You should try it too. Make a Pro and Con list. My list had like 20 cons and 2 pros.

Try to make it as specific as possible.

Also, keep in mind that after being back on it for like 3 days (if you're like me) the effects will stop working. 

Even when i was off for 3 months, going back on for a week put my tolerance right back where it was when i quit. 

I know it's hard, but it is possible.

What has helped keep me clean is running. The endorphins i gain from exercise helps counteract the depression that comes with quitting.

It gives me a natural 'high' if you will. Not a high, but a happy feeling. Better than adderall even, because this happy feeling is real and can last. Nothing on adderall will ever last.

Just keep posting on here

[Jon]

What has helped keep me clean is running. The endorphins i gain from exercise helps counteract the depression that comes with quitting.

It gives me a natural 'high' if you will. Not a high, but a happy feeling. Better than adderall even, because this happy feeling is real and can last. Nothing on adderall will ever last.

 

 

SearchingSoul,

I enjoyed a running career for about 25 years before my knees gave out. It was the best high going and the crazy part was we didn't have to injest anything to feel good!

 

Take care of your knees and feet so they last you for the long haul. Try to avoid running on pavement. Stick to nice soft double track trails.

[tessa0412]

for the answer somwhere late at nigt after a binge like u said ( i of course hope u don't actually do this) than ur search or mine atleast always brings me back to this site... i come back on and off on and off much similar to my addiction. years of the same pattern and cycles. and when i come back i no reading everything gives me that feel good change but the kind of feel good that happens though with in before after and during some rough emotional inner work kind of pain.. therefore i leave often. it just blows my mind how similar we all are

i sware every time i come to this site i choose a thread to read and i have to scroll up to see if i wrote it.. we sound so similar. its insane.. even the words we choose. i tottaly and completly do the exact same thing  u mentioned and whats crazier is that the other night i was up late doing so and had these great plans that physically and mentally felt amazing like theres no way i wont do this tommarow ect. and i remember the other night i thought u know what i do this alot i bet tommarow it will be gone.. it was and i pondrered on that and than havent thougt about it again till i read this post just now...

insane. we are all patternized cycle running conditioned little addie addicts and i feel like since we all go though the exact same thing or since i do than i should consider the thought that this is real. serious.

[blesbro]

for the answer somwhere late at nigt after a binge like u said ( i of course hope u don't actually do this) than ur search or mine atleast always brings me back to this site... i come back on and off on and off much similar to my addiction. years of the same pattern and cycles. and when i come back i no reading everything gives me that feel good change but the kind of feel good that happens though with in before after and during some rough emotional inner work kind of pain.. therefore i leave often. it just blows my mind how similar we all are

i sware every time i come to this site i choose a thread to read and i have to scroll up to see if i wrote it.. we sound so similar. its insane.. even the words we choose. i tottaly and completly do the exact same thing  u mentioned and whats crazier is that the other night i was up late doing so and had these great plans that physically and mentally felt amazing like theres no way i wont do this tommarow ect. and i remember the other night i thought u know what i do this alot i bet tommarow it will be gone.. it was and i pondrered on that and than havent thougt about it again till i read this post just now...

insane. we are all patternized cycle running conditioned little addie addicts and i feel like since we all go though the exact same thing or since i do than i should consider the thought that this is real. serious.

I also had the same thing. I felt so euphoric and confident on adderall at times that I felt like I could easily quit the next day. Until I came down and realized that it was just the addy lying to me.