Can you quit with a planned relapse?

[matchpoint88]

College: the primary venue where young adults parry the stresses of monotounous classes in a single swallow of a pretty pink/blue pill.

I quit cold turkey in April 2011. I spent the first week in bed, a complete mess as I struggled to preform the most menial task. I survived without a relapse until August 2011, but it was a brief (yet steamy affair lol) which lasted a week. It wasn't until Nov. 2011 that I had convinced myself that the success of my life and future depended on the strategic use of Adderall. The week before thanksgiving I was back to the pill, wondering through the glorious clouds of my favorite high, punching out term papers, and earning praise from all my instructors. Then I received quite an unexpected shock. Over thanksgiving I flew to Dubai for vacation, and little did I know they DO NOT allow Adderall in that country (the U.A.E.) and if you are caught with it, you face a 4 year jail sentence (assuming the embassy can't pull strings.) So no adderall, thus I practically had to cold-turkey it again after a week of using 60mg a day. Since it was after only a week of use the withdrawal lasted a single day, combine that with jet lag, and really I didn't feel anything. However, after arriving back in the states right in time for finals I was back to taking 60mg a day again, and thanks to adderall maintained my GPA. Without Adderall I would have flopped, I know this because the months after I quit, I felt extremely dumb. Not tired, just dumb. I found a quote on one of your articles,

"If you want your kids to find and strive for their own definition of happiness and success, tell them to stay the hell away from it. Adderall makes kids into complacent little lemmings who do exactly what the world wants them to do and convince themselves all the while that they’re enjoying it and actually doing it for themselves."

This quote woke me up quick, as I realized that when I have a routine that revolves around the things I love, adderall isn't even a subconscious thought. Despite this, this next semester is my last in college, and I really need to finish strong for grad school. I am taking the hardest classes of my academic career, and know that come finals adderall will save me. However, in-between now, mid-terms, and finals, I want to quit adderall, as there is no strategic use for it in idle times.

My question is, how can I quit adderall knowing that I am going to relapse for mid-terms and finals? The fear is there, that once I take it for those two events I won't stop. I am on a dose of 30mg IR (10,10,10) a day now, which is 1/2 of my 60mg I took last finals, but I don't have any real reason for taking it, other than it feels good.

Thanks for the help!

MJ

[quit-once]

TO QUIT: Finish, terminate, be done with, end, cease. What part of this word don't you understand? Look it up on your wicked pedia. What you are planning is a break or hiatus from your adderall addiction. Quitting an addiction is an absolute term like "dead" or "pregnant". People don't commit suicide intending to be dead for just a little while; and they don't become pregnant while planning an abortion. So the answer to your question is: FUCK NO, you can't quit adderall while planning your relapse.

Save yourself the angst and inner strife and just take your pills for your last semester of college. You can't afford to get stupid now so just take your pills. You can't afford to lose the motivation to study now so just take your pills. You are not so far into your addiction (especially at only 30 mg per day) that you need to quit right now so just take your pills. Be all the lemming you can be.

Plan your quit for a time after you graduate. It will be a natural break point in your life. Plan it carefully and plan it well so you only have to....quit once.

[Mindfully Deluded]

Hi matchpoint88,

Welcome to the forums. I think you're in good company here, so know that when I say this, I intend no condescension: "I have to say that your post made me chuckle to myself because it reminded me of myself a lot."

Fellow member InRecovery said to me when I posted on a similar question not two weeks ago, and I can't help but feel the same way after reading your story.

Let me ask you this: Do you feel that in asking your question, you are being completely honest with yourself? Put differently: Are you seeking truth, or do you already have a specific answer in mind?

If you believe it's the former--that you're genuinely seeking truth in asking your question--then perhaps it's because you think the issue is not cut-and-dry. Perhaps you believe that, especially regarding Adderall, the all-or-nothing platitudes tossed around by recovering addicts scarcely service for the vicissitudes of life.

"Can you quit with a planned relapse?"

I think quit-once stated it pretty clearly: No, you cannot quit if you intend to return to the substance you're quitting. In that case, it would probably be more accurate to say that you're just taking a break.

Of course, quitting is a process. It entails failure. Maybe... even demands it. But those who "succeed" are those who can recognize when they are failing, and then conduct an honest dialogue with themselves about it. When I asked my question in these forums, I was secretly hoping for an answer that would help further rationalize my addiction. Is that the case for you? I can't presume to know.

What I do know is, you'll not find many on this site who would answer "Yes, you can quit with a planned relapse." If you're just... strong enough? Disciplined enough? Fed up enough? I fear that success cannot hinge on such mutable qualities. Can you be honest with yourself? Can you recognize when you stray from your principles, and set yourself on the right path again when you inevitably (but not intentionally) stray?

Life will never present you with a convenient time to quit. That doesn't mean you can't be strategic about it, but recognize that excuses will forever flow readily. I know they do for me. At some point in your life, you may have to confront the possibility of being a complete fuck-up for a while. So I guess, if you choose not to quit now, do you know--as in, having thought about it on more than just a superficial level--that there will be a better time later? Do you have a concrete plan with a specific date in mind, or are you just hoping that life won't keep throwing an endless stream of (seemingly) urgent demands at you? Again, I can't presume to know.

Maybe you're in a different place than me right now, maybe not. But if any of this resonates with you, perhaps you would get something out of InRecovery's responses to my post. They really made me think.

Best Regards,

MD