Im Scared

[Katherine]

I am currently 19 but I was diagnosed with ADHD inattentive type only 7 months ago when I was 18 and in the summer leading into my sophomore year of college and since have been put on Adderall. I’ve always been small, 5 foot ½ an inch. My original plan was to take adderall through college and get off it when I graduated.

To start off I’ve always been a very happy person. I’ve even had friends ask me if I ever really get mad because all they see is me smiling and never upset. I’ve always been very social and like to go out, have fun and loved being in the spotlight. I had this thing about me where I wanted to do crazy sometimes risky fun stuff. I lived for thrills. I always took risks and was the first to try something new that everyone else was scared to. I guess you could say I was the crazy girl of the group. I also was never really an openly emotional person, i always just felt awkward sharing if i was upset with people but it was fine with me because i liked coming across as strong!

I remember the first day I took it I was happy and ended up cleaning my whole room and closet (which are always dirty and a mess). I was so surprised with the way it worked like a miracle! I was focusing in class and taking really good clear notes instead of being lost in a million other thoughts. I found that for once I was able to make smart decisions and prioritize. Making a to-do list was not only possible but I could actually get everything on it done. I was actually having fun and enjoying myself doing these things. I realized I didn’t have to eat basically anything all day. I wouldn’t eat breakfast and then would come home, have a piece of toast and then would barley eat dinner. I ended up losing about a good 10-15 pounds. I loved it, I knew I was looking really good. The Adderall also gave me a big boost in confidence (even though i was originally pretty confident) when I would talk to people I didn’t know. I never felt nervous and was excited because I found this really appealing and knew people like outgoing girls.

That same month I started (June) I asked my doctor if I could try 20mg XR but after 4 days I was being lazy and getting nothing done so asked to go back down to the 15mg XR.

Some of the negatives I found though were I would get really hot sometimes. I got dry mouth too. I got pretty bad jaw clenching too to the point where I had cuts on the inside of my cheeks from accidentally biting them. Also sometimes it seemed like my brain moved too fast for my mouth and I would every once in a while mess up a word or two. I had noticed I was starting to get obsessive about my weight though, like weighing myself around four or five times a day, mainly when i got up, after i ate and before i went to sleep. I was getting so happy when I say the number go down, but I’d also not worry too much because i could handle not eating now. I was happy though because I often got compliments and knew I looked good. I wasn't abusing my prescription but some nights I would take an extra 5mg or earlier in the day take an extra XR if I knew I was going to be around lots of friends to hold off the comedown.All the side effects could be easily handled though. I started to love the feeling of being on Adderall.

Then around late September early October things started getting weird. Around 6 or 7 everyday I would start having terrible comedowns. These comedowns would make me unbelievable tired, really irritable, easily upset, sad and not in the mood to do anything at all. At the time I was cheerleading for a college about a half hour away. I remember one day in specific I was driving on the way to practice on the phone with my mom and I was just feeling stressed and depressed when I had no reason to be. It still amazes me how upset I was. My mom was yelling at me over the phone out of frustration because of how I was acting on the comedowns and she said I needed to try a different medication because this wasn’t working. The thought of losing my Adderall and having to go through the process of trying something new scared the shit out of me. I felt as if the world was crashing in on me and there was no way to get out but I knew I couldn’t keep feeling like this. Then this thought crossed my mind “how easy would it be to get rid of all these feelings by just swerving the steering wheel a little and driving straight into oncoming traffic. It would all just be gone.†I’m so lucky that even though I didn’t say any of this out loud my mom told me to pull over, calm down and come home. I pulled into a parking lot and waited a good 15 min to calm down and came home. I had told my mom once or twice that for some reason I just did't feel like the same person but she always reasured me I seemed totally normal and fine.I beleived it because I was in love with the feelin on adderall. We went to my doctor 2 days later and he prescribed a 5mg generic Adderall instant release to take in the late afternoon so my comedown was later at night and not as harsh. This worked like a charm for about 2 months until my tolerance level built up and both the 15mg XR and 5mg IR weren’t working like they used to and comedowns were getting earlier in the day.

The beginning of this month (December) I went in for a med check-up and me and my mom asked for me to try the 20mg XR again. It worked for the first week or so like a charm again but then it started getting a little weird. I started coming home from class and just laying in bed on my computer or watching tv the rest of the day. I had finals and had to sort of force myself to start studying but once I started it was good. Then about a week ago I had 3 days in a row I just layed in my room doing nothing at all, I was sad for no reason and didn’t feel like going anywhere which is not like me at all. I couldn't explain it but I felt like something was missing and I just wasnt my old self. I truley missed the risk taking me. My mom walked in one night and I started crying for no reason and I couldn’t understand why I was feeling this depressed. I have friends I love, parties to go to, a new guy I am talking to who’s amazing and finally got A’s and B’s in my classes! I have everything going for me but it’s scaring me being depressed so I made a appointment with my doctor. I didn’t take anything the next 2 days and just felt bloated, fat, lazy and just disgusting. I tried to not take it again yesterday but couldn’t handle feeling so gross so I popped one and felt better mentally and physically in a bit but made sure to call a friend over to keep my mood up. Its almost like I need a friends to come over and then have them force me to come out with them now. I took an extra 5mg about a half an hour before I was going to a party in hopes of making me feel normal for the begining of the night then i could have a couple drinks and fall asleep fine later in the night when i went home.

Today I took a 20mg XR and went on a hiking adventure with one of my best friends, the only person I tell everything in my life to. I had a great day and she came with me to my med checkup which really helped me because she would not let me hide anything from my doctor. He had me fill out a depression questionnaire but I feel like I only have depression with the Adderall and I just feel gross without it but not depressed. Sadly I feel like I am very well on the track to depression. He said now to try vyvanse starting tomorrow and if I still feel depressed we may need to throw an antidepressant in the mix. I almost cried at the word antidepressant because it is so far from anything I used to be 7 months ago. In my mind it isn’t right to try to fix one medications problem with adding another medication. I came in with just ADD so why should I be treated for something else. Its just not right.

I came home and told my mom but broke down crying saying I need to be off everything. She doesn’t agree because she sees how good I’m doing on the outside which I realize, but she doesn’t know how truly broken I feel. I decided tonight after a long, hard and tearful breakdown that I need to do this for myself. I cannot sacrifice my happiness and mental health for society’s view of success. I need to feel the old me again, the risk taking, outgoing, crazy smiling girl. I know it’s going to be hard and I admit I’m scared as hell for the future but I need to be able to laugh not because I need fake it, but because I’m truly happy again. I know I’m addicted but I can be strong.Im just scared wondering how im supposed to pass 3 more years of college being off adderall and happy but getting C's D's and F's. Im so ready to end adderall but i feel like im in a lose-lose situation. help!I let my mom take my 2 bottles of adderall away tonight. I was so happy to put them in her hands but as she walked out I couldn't help but be scared and fearful. I can do this right?

[RScapricorn6]

I used adderall for 23 years. Some things you should know. Its a controlled substance, and is schedule two drug, meaning that of all the medically used drugs, it has the highest potential for addiction and abuse. Its in the same class as cocaine! Also Adderall is used for treatment resistant depression, so in my opinion it is more powerful than most antidepressants. So when you quit, you might feel depressed and lethargic. But that gets better.

I took them through college. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have, but to be honest, if i could do it over again, i might seriously consider it for that sake of my future. But eventually I have to stop, just like you, and withdrawl and addiction will be that more harder after another 4 years on the drug.

my email is rscapricorn6@gmail.com if you want to email me, back and forth while you are going through this. I'd be happy to offer you my support.