when will we learn??

[whoareyoureally]

First post.

 

Just took my "last" addy today. I've been taking it off and on for the past 5 years or so. I love my grades, my weight and my stamina when on adderall. I hate my personality and my body's reactions when on adderall. When I take it, i get a tic of sorts, i start rolling my shoulders and they start to hurt so badly! It's like my body becomes restless. and I hate my personality on A because I know that it's not ME! it's so hard to laugh and to not be awkward. I also love taking it because it makes doing boring chores tolerable.

 

I've consistently been going through a month's prescription in about two weeks. This cannot be healthy for my body or my mind. Sometimes my face starts to feel very tingly, and TIGHT. It becomes difficult to move my mouth and my face starts to twitch in certain areas. I've always dismissed these symptoms as being a part of a panic attack...but now i'm not so sure.

 

And I'm not sure what I want at this point, maybe I don't even like my sober self. But I think all the excuses that i've made to allow myself to continue taking adderall aren't going to work anymore. I'm about to graduate university, my life is getting started....do i really want to be dependent on this drug? on any drug for that matter. i need to learn how to adapt. how can i find a husband who will love me when i can't even love myself without addy....this is a really sad realization.

 

Thanks for reading, any thoughts? Can we ever really get over this desire to use addy...and how?? i feel like im wasting my life and my relationships, i am giving people a phony medicated version of "myself".. 

 

 

[JustinW]

My first thought is that I hope you have this written down somewhere as it will be a good reminder of why you quit when things get difficult.  Congratulations on your decision to quit and give the world the true, unmedicated, unadulturated, unfettered, beautiful version of yourself!  The desire to use will diminish over time but I can't say if it will ever go away.  Your brain will start to lie to you at some point and romanticize what life was like while you were taking adderall; choose now to not believe the lies.  My final piece of advice is to join the 30 day challenge (maybe you have already, I just haven't made it over to that thread yet this morning).

 

Seek Tranquility...

[blesbro]

First post.

 

Just took my "last" addy today. I've been taking it off and on for the past 5 years or so. I love my grades, my weight and my stamina when on adderall. I hate my personality and my body's reactions when on adderall. When I take it, i get a tic of sorts, i start rolling my shoulders and they start to hurt so badly! It's like my body becomes restless. and I hate my personality on A because I know that it's not ME! it's so hard to laugh and to not be awkward. I also love taking it because it makes doing boring chores tolerable.

 

I've consistently been going through a month's prescription in about two weeks. This cannot be healthy for my body or my mind. Sometimes my face starts to feel very tingly, and TIGHT. It becomes difficult to move my mouth and my face starts to twitch in certain areas. I've always dismissed these symptoms as being a part of a panic attack...but now i'm not so sure.

 

And I'm not sure what I want at this point, maybe I don't even like my sober self. But I think all the excuses that i've made to allow myself to continue taking adderall aren't going to work anymore. I'm about to graduate university, my life is getting started....do i really want to be dependent on this drug? on any drug for that matter. i need to learn how to adapt. how can i find a husband who will love me when i can't even love myself without addy....this is a really sad realization.

 

Thanks for reading, any thoughts? Can we ever really get over this desire to use addy...and how?? i feel like im wasting my life and my relationships, i am giving people a phony medicated version of "myself".. 

 

Hey, you can and will be able to get chores done, keep your body in shape, and have lots of natural energy without adderall if you make the simple decision to never take adderall ever again. You're addicted to it like everyone else on these forums. Taking your entire script in two weeks, the negative side effects that you're experiencing, and the fact that you know you're no longer yourself on adderall reaffirms that. I used to think the same thing. When I was still taking adderall, I had the same concerns. Adderall made me super paranoid, anxious, and just simply not me. Now that I've quit, every single one of my friends that I have talked to about this have told me they like me much better now. Adderall changes your personality and if you really want to start forming real relationships, and live a happy normal life your only option is to abstain forever. Chores are very tolerable and actually pretty easy once you make a habit of doing chores without adderall. Not only that, but now when I do chores I don't really think about it. When I was folding clothes, etc on adderall my brain would be in overdrive trying to be as efficient as possible. My mind was totally zoned in on the chore at hand. Now I can do chores without thinking about it. I can think about other things in my life, let my mind wander a little bit, and still get the chores done. Simple. It took me probably 8-10 months before chores became easy again keep in mind. Recovering from adderall is a long drawn-out process and will not happen in a month or two. Based on how long you've been taking it, you probably won't be fully recovered until at least 18 months. The first 6 months will by far be the hardest, but you will notice life gets easier and easier every single month that you stay sober. You will slowly become adjusted to normal life without the pill and I can promise that if you stick with it, the reward of getting off this drug for good FAR EXCEEDS the few stupid benefits of taking the pill. Trust me. I've been where you're at. Only the drug actually ruined my life in a short amount of time. Usually once addiction/dependency kicks in, the drug will suck the life out of you completely until you have no other option to quit. It's good that you're doing well in school. I was always a straight A student before adderall and after awhile, I couldn't even pass any classes because of who I became due to adderall. Eventually, I lost all self-control even though I really did want to do well in school. Feel free to ask any questions and stay active on this website. We're here to make this go as easily as possible for you.

 

Blesbro

[whoareyoureally]

Thank y'all so much. You guys are both correct-in that, life is possible (and enjoyable) without Adderall and my "real" self is much better than addy self.

I realize that it's only been two weeks off of it, but I've cleaned out my room and bathroom (they were wrecks before when I was taking addy). I would always THINK about cleaning my room while on adderall but was so physically fatigued and mentally overwhelmed that I would just lay in bed, surfing the internet.

 

Now, I feel more active, social and more alive. I have gone grocery shopping and have been binge eating-- on healthy foods-- thankfully.

 

However, sometmes I find myself  romanticizing the drug like Justin was saying. I find myself tthinking "man, I feel really great, BUT I bet I would feel even better and would function even better with Adderall".

 

I lost my insurance, due to my mother switching jobs (perhaps a blessing in disguise). My best friend takes Adderall and I would always hit her up for it when I ran out before my script...

 

I am too ashamed to even really ask her, though I have been considering it.

 

I don't understand how someone can be prescribed Adderall and not abuse it eventually. Sooner or later you will start wanting more focus, more energy, more euphoria, more skinniness...right?

 

Justin W and Blesbro...how long have you guys been off?

[JustinW]

Maybe you could be proactive with your friend and tell her never to give it to you, that way the temptation will be removed.

 

I have been off a little over 10 months.

[blesbro]

Thank y'all so much. You guys are both correct-in that, life is possible (and enjoyable) without Adderall and my "real" self is much better than addy self.

I realize that it's only been two weeks off of it, but I've cleaned out my room and bathroom (they were wrecks before when I was taking addy). I would always THINK about cleaning my room while on adderall but was so physically fatigued and mentally overwhelmed that I would just lay in bed, surfing the internet.

 

Now, I feel more active, social and more alive. I have gone grocery shopping and have been binge eating-- on healthy foods-- thankfully.

 

However, sometmes I find myself  romanticizing the drug like Justin was saying. I find myself tthinking "man, I feel really great, BUT I bet I would feel even better and would function even better with Adderall".

 

I lost my insurance, due to my mother switching jobs (perhaps a blessing in disguise). My best friend takes Adderall and I would always hit her up for it when I ran out before my script...

 

I am too ashamed to even really ask her, though I have been considering it.

 

I don't understand how someone can be prescribed Adderall and not abuse it eventually. Sooner or later you will start wanting more focus, more energy, more euphoria, more skinniness...right?

 

Justin W and Blesbro...how long have you guys been off?

 

Don't fall into that temptation. It's normal and it's your addiction lying to you. If you took adderall again you'd have wasted the last two weeks of recovery and would have to do it all over again when you decided to quit again. The only way to get back to yourself is to quit for good. People who are addicted to adderall simply can't control their usage, don't let your addiction trick you into thinking you can. You're one pill away from a full-blown relapse and always will be. I will say that once you start to get things figured out without the pill, you're desire to take it will lessen. I have NO DESIRE WHAT-SO-EVER to take adderall ever again. I just won't ever again, period. I've tried to control my usage many times and the addiction won that dreadful battle every single time. I'm 2 days short of 12 months. Every single month has been better than the last. Life is actually starting to get really good and I'm free from addiction hell yeah! Being free from the addiction is huge. I think that most of us need to be more appreciative of the simple fact that we don't need to rely on a stupid pill to be worse than we could be without it. I'm starting to get some of my wit and humor back and finally starting to have some good increases in mental clarity. It takes a LONG time to recover from this shit. And like Justin said, tell your friend you're an adderall addict and going back down that path is simply not an option. If you feel tempted to ask her for a pill, make sure to tell her ASAP to never give you adderall and explain the negative things that will happen if you do. Your friend will like you much, much more off adderall I promise. Adderallics when they're using are self-centered and just can't connect with people. I don't know about you but I really didn't care too much about other people when I was using. I was a self-absorbed bastard and my life sucked. I've made a 180 degree flip since then. People really like me now. Both my old friends and new people that I meet. That never happened when I was messed up on addy. I couldn't talk, be myself, or relate with anyone. Finally I am becoming a "people person" once again and it feels damn good. 

[_j3ss__]

I can relate so much to your post. First of all with the shoulder tics...when I'm on a really high dosage I'll roll my shoulders/crack my neck constantly. There are many other tics that I have noticed only show up when I'm on adderall. I also just finished up my bachelors degree last year and yet I've still been on adderall. I dont want to continue my "real life" on this awful drug that steals away my personality. I also find it difficult to laugh. I get annoyed at the littlest things people say. I dont think I could even muster up a tear if I wanted to. No emotion is felt what so ever when I am on adderall...except the occasional burst of anxiety about finishing my work. Not only that, but the depression I experience after a binge is awful. I'm mentally stimulated, physically exhausted and cant find one activity to entertain myself because I find literally nothing enjoyable. I usually just sit in my bed drinking wine and flipping through netflix until sleep finally overcomes me.

 

What made me really want to quit was what you stated at the end of your post-about "how can a husband love me if I dont love me?" I feel the same way. I also don't want to ever miss a moment of emotion when I someday have kids. That is my biggest fear. Missing out on all of the enjoyments that our late-20's will have to offer just because some blue pill gives us the motivation to academically succeed. I don't think its worth it. I chose to quit today, so I'm with you on your journey of quitting! Good luck!