D. Daniel Posted January 6, 2014 Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 January 6, 2014 - 9am Maybe we’re all this way. I want to be better looking. Smart but want to be smarter. Productive but would really like to be moreso. I recently took a new job in a new industry that I was technically unqualified for. Having these very human desires to always want to be better, it was only natural that I would convince my doctor to put me back on Adderall. I got back on, and basically daily, popped a 10mg XR… since nearly six months ago. In that time, a lot of great things have happened. But as an addict, a lot of shitty, rather unseen things, have accompanied this success. Naturally, constantly being on Adderall, my work is well. The issue comes on Saturday and Sunday when I don’t have any work to do, yet if I don’t take the pill, I’m starting at like negative good feeling for the day when I wake up. Regardless of whether or not I drank the night before, but definitely the shitty feeling is amplified by a hangover. So I pop another. And my day generally goes fine. The only problem, which is easy to bury at first because of the nice buzz, is… where am I? I don’t feel natural feelings. I don’t empathize other than logically. My thank yous and sorrys and personal inquiries are planned, not feeling genuine. And at the end of the day, I need a drink or a weed smoke just to kick back and relax. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think this was going to happen. I’ve been on Adderall before… but I so seriously didn’t want to let down my new boss and the friends who referred me to the new job, that I just said “f*** it. this is for the better.†And ultimately, I think that it may have been for the better. I’ve got a lot of people convinced that I am one witty smart mofo. And I may be without the addy too, but at this point I don’t know who that person is, it’s been six months since I’ve been that guy. Anyway. Today is the day I’m getting off the rocket fuel. I just can’t handle putting productivity and hyper focus (not to mention terrible sleep) ahead of regular interactions, genuine feelings, and being a human being. There’s always a reason not to quit. My current reason is that I have a four day long work meeting coming up next week. And I want to go into it doing very well. So I will do my best, and that will have to be good enough. It’s not like they’re going to fire me for doing my best. In the meantime, daily exercise, eating right, and daily meditation are going to have to suffice for the constant adderall then drinks then some weed, then a sleeping pill daily routine that has been making me look and feel haggard. I’ve not hit "rock bottom," I just don’t want to... so "stop digging" I think they say. Dear God, help me be successful in this endeavor. Help me remember there is so much more to life than being high on crack at work. Because that’s basically what it is. Some legal form of crack... at least that's what it feels like to me. Any support from any of you is greatly appreciated during this tough time. I will post daily or close to it about how it's going. Thanks for reading. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted January 6, 2014 Report Share Posted January 6, 2014 Welcome to the forums D. Daniel. Congratulations on your decision to quit while you are still ahead (not rock bottom). I think we can all relate to the cycle of the upper followed by the downer. It is exhausting and only gets worse with time. It would be ideal if you could schedule your quit while you have time away from work. Since you have gone through this before, you know what to expect and what you can handle and what you can't. Familiarize yourself with the articles written by Mike on this website, if you haven't already. Please keep us posted. We are here to help you with quitting. Good luck with your first day today. You stated many good reasons to quit and stay quit. It sounds like you are ready. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Daniel Posted January 7, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 7, 2014 Hey thanks Jon. Appreciate the note and will definitely get into some articles. This may sound crazy... and I didn't take any Adderall this past weekend... so this is the fourth day without it. And I really feel good! Simple example: I drove home from work yesterday and was REALLY enjoying the radio. Like really digging the music to the point where I wanted to drive past my street to continue rocking out. This is something that me off adderall is all about. You can't put a price on the simple stuff that makes your day/life better when being off the addies. I also slept really well last night and have just an overall positive outlook right now. My job is the only thing I continue to be "worried" about... but look. I've surrendered to the idea that I'm really not going to get fired over not taking adderall anymore. Seriously... and if I did, I've probably got the wrong job. Plus the personality that I have when I'm off adderall has selling points all on its own. Still feeling a little cloudy up top, but overall I'm excited to have made this decision and I'm sticking to it. Again thanks for posting! I'll keep updating. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted January 7, 2014 Report Share Posted January 7, 2014 It is true that we lose interest of our favorite arts, music included. I am glad to hear that you have tuned in to your music again so quickly. Congratulations! I sincerly hope that this is your best and final quit. Are you aware that the windows for quitting are uncommon, even rare. The next window you see might be years away, so take care of this quit. It is precious and fragile. Keep posting and maybe think about commiting to a 30 day challange. There is a fresh one waiting for you in the forums. If you sign up for it, you will find buddies to quit with. And that is very powerful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quit-once Posted January 8, 2014 Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 I completely lost my interest in music while using. It was one of the first things to return - just the simple appreciation and listening. DDaniel you have the right approach to quitting. Especially your willingness to forego your good job if it doesn't fit your post- Adderall personality. But I doubt you will need to do that. And also your appreciation for not being amped up is a really big deal, especially at this early point in your recovery. Great that you did not have to hit a rock bottom - just a desire for a better life. One of the things that sustained my quit was the realization that this addiction was completely unsustainable. You always need to be on a pill and the dosage required for its effectiveness will always increase. Welcome to a better life - life beyond addiction. I sincerly hope that this is your best and final quit. Are you aware that the windows for quitting are uncommon, even rare. The next window you see might be years away, so take care of this quit. It is precious and fragile. Very wise words from Jon. The most important thing for me is to never relapse on speed. It is why I carefully chose my screen name as such. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Daniel Posted January 8, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2014 QU - appreciate your input! I'm feeling stronger and stronger about quitting. In case anyone else gets to this post who'd like to know how I'm doing it and feeling good, so far: -I've run 3-4 miles each day -Gone to yoga twice in the last 4 days -Been making my own food (eating pretty healthy) -Meditating for 20 minutes whenever I have the chance -I have FAITH in this change: surrendering to the fact that if my life changes for what I now perceive to be the worse, it's probably actually for the better because I'm putting my health and happiness first instead of my productivity and fear of losing my job. It's day 5 right now and I'm feeling a little less cloudy. Slept for 8 hours two nights in a row. I smoke pot usually at the end of the day after I've worked, worked out, made dinner, walked the dog, all the stuff that I wouldn't do if I smoked earlier... but the pot helps me wind down and gets me nice and tired for bed. Plus I live in Colorado where it's legal Maybe someday I'll kick that too but right now it's helpful. Anyway the good feelings are continuing. Like even in the shower this morning, just feeling good about my day. I'm friendlier to coworkers and my room mates and my outlook remains positive. The big question here for me is: Do you want to be as productive as possible? (ADDERALL) or Do you want to be as happy as possible? (NO ADDERALL) Haha. So now I'm fighting for happiness, rather than getting as much done as possible and living in a tunnel of my own to-do list. Plus, they say success follows happiness, not the other way around. The Happiness Advantage is a good book that drives this one home. Complete with lots of good research to back it up. It makes sense that there are less and less windows to quit over time, this one is the one for me. I accept the 30 day challenge - 5 days in I'm feeling really optimistic and already experiencing some great benefits. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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