Trying to Quit

[jaymeyer26]

I have been using Adderall for about seven years now. My doctor prescribed it during law school in combination with the medication I was taking for depression. I have tried to quit five times but keep getting back on it, mostly due to my job.  I am an attorney and each time I try and quit I become a slug and my work piles up and I hop back on.  I have read a lot about people making career changes due to this, but that is really not an option for me.  Lots of student loan debt, a wife and a baby on the way.  We need my income to remain large enough to make ends meet.  However, I hate the thought of meeting my baby and being a dad while on this drug.  Not sure what to do.  I have tried "cold turkey" each time previously, so I am considering the weaning approach.  Any thoughts, guidance and/or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the board.  I can relate totally with what you are saying. My cycle for years was quit get behind at work refill etc.  Quiting Adderall is a journey of a million baby steps. Getting through it day by day, minute by minute.

[Jon]

Hi Jay,

 

You are a victim of modern day psychiatry. You were prescribed legal speed and stayed on it long enough to confuse your brains natural chemical reactions. It no longer remembers how to manufacture “get up and goâ€. It takes a while for this function to return to you, but it does return in small doses over an extended period of time. Think of recovery in terms of a year or two rather than months, because that is the reality of the injury. If the injury were a concussion, it might never heal, but you can heal from this addiction or dependency, however you want to look at it.

 

I see you are in a situation that makes the timing of any quit attempt of critical concern. I don't think you will find much refuge in tapering. You will still feel like a slug, only not a total slug. You will just prolong the process of healing, (the dues you have to pay) in my opinion. So pick a time when you have a vacation and your workload is low and make your quit. You can do this! You will have good days during the recovery process where you can catch up on your work and you can find refuge in the support we have here in this community.

 

What other choice do you really have?

 

I'm sorry if this isn't the guidance you were hoping to get. There are no miracle cures for this. We are all here doing this and surviving and you can do it too. You only need to want it strongly enough.

[JustinW]

Welcome to the forums Jay,

 

I wish that I could tell you that recovery is a bowl of cherries and it's a breeze to get through but it would be a lie.  It's hard work and you can do it.  You have accomplished so much already in life which tells me that you have a lot of ambition.  I will tell you from personal experience that you do not want to expose your children to an adderall dad.  You will not have patience for a screaming newborn and you will not have a genuine emotional connection with them until you are off the drugs.  Best of luck on your journey; we are all here for you!

[jaymeyer26]

Wow, thank you all so much for the comments and encouragement thus far. It honestly brought tears to my eyes to hear from other people that have gone through this. It is so hard to explain to someone that has not shared the experience. Fear of going at this alone has been such a huge component of why I have not been able to quit, but these few comments already indicate that it doesn't have to be a solo battle. I need to let it all digest a little and come up with a game plan that will work for me this time around.  I'll share it soon so I can have some support and accountability. Thank you all again, it really means so much to me.

[JustinW]

YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT ALONE!!!  We are here for the good times and bad times so visit often and comment as honestly and openly as you need, even if it's just to b#%$@ a little here and there.  Chances are good that a lot of people here have gone / are going through a similar experience.  It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and I like that you are developing a plan for success.  When you are ready, the 30 day challenge is an excellent way to have accountability and comraderie during the first month of your quit; it also gives us a chance to cheer you on.  The original group through the 30 day challenge even did a 60 day challenge and it was awesome to watch their progress and growth along with the outpouring of support from our community.

[Cat]

When you quit before, how long did you last? The only way to succeed is to push past the first few miserable months, it sucks but can totally be done. There's another poster on this board called Sebastian who is a lawyer also. He's been quit for over a year. Hopefully he'll chime in here with some advice for you.

[Sebastian05]

Jay, I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm an attorney as well. I too was prescribed adderall in law school in my very last year when I was really struggling to keep up with my intense work load as well as having to work 25-30 hours a week. I was convinced that I had ADHD, so my doc started me at 10mg a day of adderall and it was slowly bumped to 20mg a day (10 in the morning and 10 after lunch). As soon as I took that first pill, everything changed. My mind became a machine and I thought I'd found the answer to all my problems. I was suddenly able to focus on Federal Income Tax Law and Article 9 secured transactions, and all that super fun stuff. By the way, before starting adderall, I was taking 50mg of Effexor every other day. The adderall actually helped me ween off of the effexor.

 

I've always been kind of a space cadet in class and have always had trouble focusing (especially when really bored). The adderall changed everything for me. I never abused it. I never wanted to hop down that rabbit hole. In fact, I was on it for about 4.5 - 5 years i think. Maybe less. Definitley no more than 5 years. The last couple years I was able to drop my dose down to 10mg a day just in the morning and I seemed to be doing just fine with that.

 

There came a time about a year and a half ago when things in my life really fell into place. Found a new great job...moved to a new city...bought a house. It was at that point that I'd decided "okay. the adderall did what it was supposed to do. It got me to where I need to be in life and I'm taking a low dose, so I should be able to quit no problem at this point."

 

Also, another thing that was concerning me was that the 10mg i would take in the morning. It really felt like nothing. I would take it and just feel OK. No big charge. Nothing like that. I would supplement it with lots and lots of coffee throughout the day. The last thing I wanted to do was boost the dose, so I figured I'd pull the plug.

 

About two weeks went by, and I was feeling just fine. Thought the quit was a piece of cake with nothing to worry about. Then I remember distinctly, one night I was out with some friends and we were at a restaurant and I started getting really cold. This pit developed in my stomach and I REALLY started to feel like shit. Just like overcome with shivers and anxiety.

 

And I'm pretty sure thats when shit hit the fan. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't even tie it to adderall at that point. I just thought I was feeling anxious with my new surroundings and new environment etc. I started getting extreme anxiety and was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I was also having god awful night sweats. It was at that point i started googling adderall and quitting adderall and all that and thats how I came across this site.

 

I'm not going to sugar coat it. Quitting isnt easy. These fucking doctors have no idea how bad this shit is that they are prescribing to their patients. Honestly, i WISH this stuff was safe. If it were, i'd take it for the rest of my life. But after all the reserach I've done, there's just no way at all this shit is sustainable for the long haul, and the train has to come to a stop at some point.

 

I'm 13 months off the shit now. Do I want to go back? Yes and No. I'd love nothing more than to get that focus back. Get that drive and ambition and zest for life back. But like I said, it has to stop at some time. At least that's what I've convinced myself.

 

I'll tell you this much. I think it just takes time. I constantly worry if the stuff caused any brain damage, and I really hope it hasnt, but life in the past year has not been easy. Dont get me wrong, its been getting better, but it certainly has not been easy at all.

 

I would wake up some mornings and just wish I was dead. I remember some Saturdays I would even wake up and just sit on my couch in complete disbelief at how fucking awfully depressed I was and how terrible the fucking anxiety was. ON SATURDAYS!

 

Lots of people say adderall turned them into a zombie. See, it never did that for me. It made my life better. I was more alert. More caring. More driven. Happier. But again, i had to keep fueling that fire with adderall to keep feeling that way and there's no fucking way anyone  can tell me that I'm going to need to be on a fucking amphetamine for the rest of my life to feel that way.

 

Law school beat the shit out of us. I was always the type of guy who would get test anxiety and would get so anxious during exams that I would blank out. Adderall fixed all that for me. WHY? I don't know man. I sure wish I did. It just took all the worry and anxiety away. But once i quit, those emotions came back 100 fold.

 

One year ago I was mashed potatoes. I couldnt do anything. I couldnt run. Couldnt lift. I had ZERO drive. And i've always been a gym rat. It is all coming back, though. I'm as strong as ever now and I'm in the gym 5-6 days a week. I still have really bad days though too.

 

But I dunno man, it seems like shit is getting better. I'm not on any meds now. Lots of people go on wellbutrin after adderall, but i just dont have it in me to go through meds and withdrawal again because these doctors and pharmaceutical companies dont give a fuck about anything but their bottom line. Believe me. So often I think, "okay. fuck it. I'll go to the doc and get some wellbutrin or some lexapro" or some shit like that.

 

But I've read so much stuff online about people who have gone through this with benzos. And it has taken many people well over a year to reset.

 

I'm writing a novel here, but this is the kind of novel I would have wanted to read 13 months ago.

 

So I take a bunch of herbal stuff now instead of adderall. They seem to help. But dont forget. Nothing will ever be adderall.

 

I'm taking the following

 

1. L-Tyrosine

2. L-Phenylalaline

3. Magnesium (lots of studies have shown that adderall and high stress deplete magnesium and once you replenish, it helps maintain keeping anxiety and depression at bay)

4. Vinpocetine

5. Huperzine-A

6. L-theanine

7. GABA

8. Mucuna Pruriens

 

I dont take all this shit at the same time. They are all natural and supposed to help with cognition and dopamine.

 

You said you've been on adderall for 7 years. What is your dosage per day? What are you taking? Also what anti depressant are you on?

 

If I were you, I'd try to ween off. You dont seem to be abusing it. I personally think cold turkey, for me, was a big fucking mistake.

 

So dude, thats my story. I still struggle to focus. It seems to be getting better, but I'm not like some machine just churning out work anymore being passionate over the most mundane bullshit.

 

But i just feel like in the long run, life is going to be better not being on adderall.

 

Good Luck Counsellor. Let me know what you think.

 

Sebastian

[jaymeyer26]

Sebastian,

 

Thank you so much for hopping on here and sharing your story. After Cat mentioned you in her post, I went and read all of your stuff from this past year.  Very powerful, telling and most of all very similar to my story.  

 

How you describe law school with and without Adderall is spot on to how I felt. I became so much more interested in every topic (even tax and the UCC just like you haha) and it made me feel like "damn this is really what I am supposed to do for a career."  

 

Then when I got the job I wanted and started cranking out work product, I was so pleased with myself.  However, over the last year I have just noticed the side effects of this drug (or more likely finally started listening to my body).  Initially I was on 10mg 2x daily just like you and I stayed on that dosage for more than 5 years.  But then I started getting used to that dosage and wasn't getting the same "edge" (read: high) that I had before, so I told my doctor and she bumped me up to 20mg 2x daily.  That is when the wheels started to fall off for me.  Projects at work started to get larger as I started getting more experience and late nights became the norm.  I started taking Adderall later in the day and then couldn't sleep at night, which made me exhausted the next day and I needed more Adderall just to stay awake and perform. Normally I stay within my prescribed range, but I have on several occasions abused it and taken upwards of 80mg in a 24-hour period.  

 

I have tried quitting three times now - the longest I have lasted is 10 days in October. But all I wanted to do was sleep, spend time with my wife and family and well, sleep.  Not exactly the winning formula for a mid-level associate at a large law firm trying to make partner someday. Soooo I convinced myself that I had proven I could go without Adderall for 10 days and that I didn't have a problem.  But of course the vicious cycle kicked right back in (late nights, no sleep, more Adderall) and I am right back at the same place.  

 

But now this problem is not just about me.  I am about to have my first child in a little over a month.  I cannot be a dad and be on this stuff.  I am a robot on this drug, which is great for work but awful for personal relationships.  I can't begin my relationship with my baby with my brain this way - I want to laugh, cry and love her without some chemical in my way.  

 

So while I do agree with your approach about weaning off, I don't think I am as strong as you in that regard.  I am relying too heavily on this drug and can't tolerate it anymore. So starting tomorrow, I am going cold turkey.  My prescription is out and I tore up the script from my doctor for this next month's fill/fix.  Though I've failed at the cold turkey method before, I didn't have the support of this community.  I am going to rely heavily on peoples' encouragement and personal stories on this forum and just do it.  No other way at this juncture.  I need to get off of this drug.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to hop on the recent 30-day challenge forum and post my daily progress along with the others on there. I am competitive by nature (as I'm sure you are) and I think that daily accountability will be very helpful.  

 

Again Sebastian, thank you very much for sharing your story with me. I know what lies ahead is going to be tough, but I hope with this great outlet and support system I can do this.

[Freebird]

Good Luck Jay!!!! It sounds to me like you are determined to meet this new baby of yours adderall free and I BELIEVE you can do it!!! Even though my 2 sons are much much older (17 and 19) they are the reason I quit and have been able to remain off adderall for the past 7 months. And I also knew the only way for me to quit would be "cold turkey". When I decided to quit I told my sons even before I told my husband and I gave them my remaining two scripts and we ripped them up together. There was a time, where I would have NEVER EVER IMAGINED ripping up 2 unused scripts. And even though I have experienced extreme fatigue, lack of motivation, weight gain, etc. I have ALSO had the experience of laughing and connecting and just being "present" not only physically but mentally with my 2 sons. My husband and both my sons say they can hardly remember me laughing the way I do now. Again I am cheering for you!!!!!

[Sebastian05]

jay, what antidepressants are you on and how much are you taking?

[Zerokewl]

I think this the perfect time for you to quit.  The depression is  the worst part of recovery a new baby will  flood your mind grapes with all sorts of awesome dopamine.  Everyone I've spoken to about getting clean from amphetamines etc, the ones that had the easiest time of it had major life changes (travel, love etc. ).  Also if your work suffers some, or you are tired etc. Everybody at the office will assume its the new baby keeping you up at night.  Just my two cents but I think you can turn this into a win.

[Freebird]

zerokewl I never thought about it like that but that make sense... cool!

[jaymeyer26]

I have been on Zoloft for about 15 years. Right now I take 50mg once daily. Of course I wonder what exactly it has done to my brain over the course of time, but one thing at a time right now. Since Zoloft is a SSRI, I am worried about my dopamine levels, which is why I am going to take your all's advice and pick up some L-Tyrosine after work and start taking it. 

[Zerokewl]

I'm on Zoloft  for depression too. 50mg isn't a big dose and Zoloft is relatively safe. I wouldn't recommend going off it just yet. Depression is tricky its not one thing you do, its a combination of things that can alleviate it. 

[jaymeyer26]

zerokewl - wow I have never thought of my timing that way before and it makes total sense. The practical part about my colleagues assuming the new baby is the cause of my fatigue and slower work output really just lifted a huge burden for me - thank you so much for pointing that out. I have been so anxious about people noticing the marked difference in my behavior and questioning my drive and desire to be here, so just knowing that people may chalk it up to something else is very helpful. And I am certain my baby will bring me some pretty amazing natural highs in the coming months and I am so thankful for that and definitely do not want to miss them due to Adderall.

I'm so nervous about what lies ahead and by the fact that I tore up my next script (which I have never done before when trying to quit), but I just have to keep reminding myself that I have no other option. If I can't quit now with the incentives in front of me, it will not happen.

[jaymeyer26]

zerokewl - yeah I have not had many noticeable issues with Zoloft, hence the long duration on it without trying something different. I was on 100mg daily (and during law school 150mg daily), but have been tapering off at the instruction of my doctor. However, while I tapered on it, I was increasing my Adderall intake, so I'm concerned I was getting an artificial boost as opposed to actually being less depressed. I plan on monitoring it and talking with my doctor about a proper course of action if the depression starts to set in in a bad way after quitting Adderall.

[Zerokewl]

Good plan to involve your doctor in your decision to quit. Cutting off your supply is a difficult decision to make, but worthwhile.   Adderall really does make a mess of your brain chemistry.   It takes some time to level off.  Day by day you get better.  For me the first 3-4months was the most difficult. I imagine with a new baby in the house and all that goes with that your time will just zoom by.  Just make a note of why you quit and what you hope to accomplish by quitting keep this note in your wallet and refer to it when its shitty.

 

  For me getting fired, dumped and completely losing my mind was a rock-bottom moment I don't wish on my worst enemy. Years of being a busy ad executive took their toll and I crashed really hard.  I don't think your situation is nearly as extreme as many on this site so your recovery should be easier. I was averaging60-90mgs a day plus 36mg concerta, and I drank& smoked a lot then too.  I abused it hard and chased the euphoria something I don't think you do. Now I work slower but the quality of my work is better, I have to really deal with my ADHD (yes this is a real thing).     

 

 Recovery isn't all bad there are little gifts along the path. Things like reconnecting with a high school buddy , that make life just so fucking amazing.  Or when you land a new client because you are can have a real connection with them.   When the fog clears and the first rays of light crack through they are glorious.

 

 

 Just keep it real simple for the first little while,   

[jaymeyer26]

I have posted on the 30-day challenge thread. On Day 4! Will post there with my progress. Thank you all!!

[jaymeyer26]

Hi all. I am back because I fell off and started using again.  I was so close to 60 days clean and slipped up.  I have been through another prescription and am now out of meds because I overused.  I'm ashamed and scared because today is the first day without it and I already feel pretty depressed and anxious. I know it's my brain chemistry, but work is so crazy and I just am having a very rough day.  I wish I could say I won't use again when I can obtain a new prescription, but I won't lie to you all. Damn, I was doing so well and now I feel like that was a lifetime ago. I would appreciate any good thoughts or support. Have a nice weekend.

[JustinW]

Jay,

 

You have our support.  I hope that fatherhood is treating you well even though adderall isn't.  Have you had a discussion with your doctor about no longer prescribing it for you?  It sounds like you need to be more drastic in cutting off your supply.  Have a good weekend!

[Zerokewl]

welcome back Jay. 

[GDTRFB]

I hope you're doing okay, Jay.

Would love to hear about your little one.

[Jon]

When it comes to addiction, there are always second chances. There are enough chances to take until you get it right. The important thing is you are trying.

[jaymeyer26]

Thank you all for the support.  The biggest challenge I am facing right now is massive depression and anxiety when I am off adderall.  I don't know why last time was easier, possibly because work wasn't as stressful at the time, but I am facing some gripping feelings of depression, worthlessness, fear of the future, etc. the day I stop taking adderall. It's worrying me and affecting me at work and home.  Well, honestly home is okay. I feel love and relaxation at home with my wife and little one.  My baby is two months old now and just so incredible. She makes me so happy and I love being home with her and my wife. But at the same time I feel like I am slipping at work and that is really wreaking havoc on me.  I am scared I won't be able to provide for my family without this drug because I am really scared and depressed at work without it.  And being an associate at a large law firm, there aren't many avenues to cut back or slow down.  Unless I left, but I have loads of student debt and need to provide for my wife and baby, so that is really not an option. Plus I have no idea what I would do if I left. But I have been off adderall since Thursday and each day has been a struggle. I'm tired, depressed and want to just go home. Work is busy and there is more and more to do each day.  I know I need to sit down and probably talk with my doctor about all of this and explain that I can't take that drug anymore, but at the same time I'm scared that getting cut off will lead to feeling like this everyday and that could lead to losing my job and .... I just start to tailspin when I go down that hole.  I am taking my Zoloft regularly, and it is likely helping a little, but not enough. 

Writing this just made me cry in my office. I'm in my thirties, have a wife and kid to support, and I can't get a grip on myself. Damn, I'm so frustrated and scared.