Hiding it from yourself

[tinybuddha]

The whole concept of this seems pretty ridiculous I know, but can anyone relate to this? I am not and have never been able to just flush pills. Brings me crazy anxiety. I have done many versions of "hiding it from yourself" sometimes getting too high trying desperately to sleep with too much ambien and literally not being able to find them the next day. Sadly, not joking ripped my room apart more than once. I accidentally starting 're-dosing' myself with at bad point my night mix of 1-2 ambien, xanax or lorazpam1-2mg, benadrly 50-100mg, Cymbalta 60mg (I never realized how bad this drug actually was and role it played. Thankfully took the time to do a slow taper off this), herbal sleep supplement and sometimes throw in pain pills or whatever other downer was around(sometimes as a treat..I know pathetic) So you can imagine taking this combo twice or three times in a night was literally dangerous and also same with adderall forget that already took more(always out earlier than 'budgeted" for because of it.) I started having to keep them in the Mon/Tues/ect pill box cases. When not quitting I kept my pills right next to bed in slowly getting bigger and bigger make-up case. I didn't smoke weed back then, not sure why just didn't occur to me and guess seemed better with 'legal' (what a joke). It was pretty bad for the last year maybe more.. It was also crazy during my first few real withdrawal/quitting attempts and relapses. I still use ambien and occasional benzo ect but one a night like a regular person. I know is very bad on a multitude of levels and I hate it, but this is my only place I come that I can be completely honest and not have to down play this. My goal was to tackle after really had the adderall handled. That took WAY LONGER than I ever imagined. I wanted impatient rehab and spent countless hours wasting time trying to find. I came clean about this addiction though think most people knew but never spoke up in real way(whole other thing I guess). I moved to a new state and forced myself to change and be social with new people. The social anxiety won out many times, but first time in many years I felt real connections and actual happiness at least in spurts. The beginning was pure hell and bumpy with trying stupidly to withdraw using at some points 60-180mg vyvanse in a day. I bought every get off speed vitamin and supplement combo from over priced websites and energy drinks(spent a lot of wasted time thinking I could find the "easy or secret" way out.) Finally, just forced myself from just living in bed on pills to at least trying to feel and let go of the horrible relationship that I was stuck in. I was physically and emotionally a train wreck. I admitted defeat and stop letting the depression of what I did to my life keep me stuck in the vicious cycle. I remember going days on end without human contact and then being a raging emotional mess when I made it out. I am miles away from that now but yet still far from who and where I was before all this. Despite taking the LONG way and using up ALL of my resources I don't have much to show besides being alive and not being a zombie anymore. It seems insane that just to get to this point took three years on top of the years I spent in the addiction spiraling down. I wanted to in the spirit of accountably say I also do take wellbutrin in morning and have developed weed habit. It became anything that got me away from adderall was better.  Getting down to this has been the biggest struggle and took a long time to stick. After all that I am now back "home" again in NY trying to study again and now really no time left waited 6 year max time. That is insane to realize after all I did and spent for it and just never doing the very last step:( I hate myself thinking about so I can't even let myself go fully into tonight. I need to do this not only because of the emotional and $$ debt I am in, but to squander this tooI would regret rest of my life. The painful thing I came to realize with some recovery is my heart and head really need this too. I need to feel some sense of worth and pride. This is my mountain I know I need finally overcome to make myself move forward. I think so scared of failure have not finished this and freed myself to move on. Some of other member probably have read my whining and rambling about what lead up to my situation. Where the heck did the YEARS go? How did I let myself relapse? I only have for a short time and at 20mg (not the 150-300mg days again) I hate the feeling and now very soon after I take it freak out try to smoke it away or take benzo. Even drink OJ(though know really not that big impact on practice level but guess mental thing) which is funny because used to do opposite avoid Vit C and always trying to alknize my system back then to get more out of it..ugh) Yet, despite all of this just freak out and feel that is absolutely impossible to study without it. My tolerance dropped and it will work again for a few self loathing hours. Reality is I need to be studying hard for 6hrs not 2hrs forcing myself to just not completely give up and then being spent from just that!(even with adderall relapse) The posts from the members taking the bar exam or medical boards have given me hope. I have been rereading those posts a lot lately and the responses/advice others gave them. Also, have tried to be more active in posting myself. WOW, sorry I really let myself go into a crazy off topic rant. Think for some reason needed to get all that off my chest. I am fighting not to delete because of the grammar and overall disjointed way this has poured out. I know that social isolation and doubt is the fuel to the fire and that I alway appreciate when people post. This was first day since relapse that did not cave into that just taking low dose and then regretting cycle. Or back on the level of self medicating using weed negotiating with myself when will allow myself to smoke that day or taking some pain pills or a benzo to cushion crash. I have done this already! Why did I let myself regress back? I hate the feeling of being way into my head/mind. Spending all my energy just trying to be normal and not use. I can't on any level with anyone or myself afford to keep doing that after 3years battling recovery and keep using this as an excuse to keep from truly moving on and having a real life again. I want this and need this! Why do I not know how to just be normal anymore? When reality is I need to be back at least to much higher level to pass this exam. This is really my only main obligation right now and would be impossible if was not I guess. This has also come with some major cons that came along with what needed to be sacrificed to allow myself to really attempt this. Most people would still never in million years think this is my usual friday or saturday night. Almost incomprhensable to people that have not gone through it...Anyway let me try to get back near the topic. Tonight I took my pills and wrapped them up in a box using many layer with a bow and wrote myself a note to really think about it first and remember how I feel now. My rational is I think many times if I really forced myself to calm down and think about it first or sometimes even just forced myself to wait out a bit would not make the choice to use. This would have sounded completely crazy to me years ago. I guess just hoping someone else could relate to this? At least it is a start and not going to play back into the denial of slowly slipping back into addiction. If I am going to keep ruining my life then I can at least own it first and not just let it happen to me again if that makes any sense... Not going edit this down or delete. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result"

[Zerokewl]

wow thats quite the rant.  Oddly I can say I've had days like that. I fear the day I come across one of my old stashes and I do feel desperate enough for just one more that I go looking for a stash.

 

Keep moving forward, momentum is everything. 

[Cassie]

I used to hide pills all the time. In shoes, inside layers of socks in my dresser, in Altoids tins in desk drawers. I would write notes to my myself saying things like 'do not take any this weekend' and tape it to my prescription bottle, then shove the bottle in an underused boot in the back of my closet, as if any of this was a fucking deterrent. It all just added to the drama of the addiction. Addiction is such a narrow and boring existence that hiding pills and finding them counts as genuine excitement. Looking back (after LOTS of time), it seems the epitome of pathetic that finding stray pills or getting my script refilled is what used to make me feel alive. 

 

I almost always remembered where I hid pills though, so I got to them pretty easily. When I quit for good, there were no hidden pills anywhere, although I spent weeks searching in vain. If there were pills around, I would take them, no question. I had to finish my supply before I quit, then tell my doctor 'do not prescribe again.' It was the only way. If you want to quit for good, you need to let go and put the pills behind you, not hang on to some 'just in case'. Your brain will always conjure up a rationalization to take them again. Choose a life of real, genuine, human drama, not dumb addict drama. You can, and will, be much better off after just a couple years off all this junk!

[tinybuddha]

Made through today. Def not the horrendous physical withdrawal symptoms like when I was coming off the high doses. I did not feel great. Crazy how fast now the negative physical symptoms come back so quick and before was a slow build up. I am twitching even stopping the low dose and very aware of the painful sores I made in my mouth. It reminds me of how bad it actually was before. I was in a lot of denial and numbed out. Hope that gives some other people in relapse some comfort. Feels like battle all day staying awake and try to motivate and then all night trying to sleep and shut down. Thanks for the support.

[quit-once]

I have been reading a book about the Buddha this weekend (Intro to Buddha by Jane Hope).  Since you have taken His name as part of your screen name, I thought I would share some of what I learned.

 

Literally translated, the word "Buddha" means "awakened one".  I believe that while Adderall may make you feel awakened, it is just one more way the drug lies to you and makes you think you are awake while actually living each day in a zombie state.

 

From pages 36-37:

Enlightenment is the total sense of freedom that comes from letting go of the concept of being an individual "self".  It is a long journey towards being able to trust that such freedom is possible.

 

The glimpses of enlightened mind provides the motivation to find a way out of confusion.  The Buddha told of a path that ordinary people could travel on to find their own liberation.

 

The Buddha presented a path that leads to the cessation of struggle and the attainment of enlightenment.

 

Tinybuddha, I believe that quitting Adderall for good will mark the beginning of your journey on this path.