Marriage is Ending . . .

[MeAgain]

I haven't posted since Day 9 when I was still very unsure I could actually quit this stuff.  Now I've completed Day 19, but before anyone starts cheering, let me qualify that about a million ways.  I mentioned in my first post that I am in an intensive graduate program and was only able to get 10 days off to get me through the very first part of quitting.  It was suggested to me that now might not be the best time.  Then I mentioned that my husband also takes Adderall and was not intending to quit along with me.  At that point, it was strongly suggested to me that this too could pose a problem.  And, in fact, both points were right on the money. 

 

I truly am ADD, and once school started again, I have not been able to do the work  --  brain is just not cooperating, and right now I can't give it the time it needs to find its groove all by itself.  To update that before moving on, I did take 2 10 mg. doses, and they helped in a kind of miraculous way.  The miraculous part is that I have already been functioning normally and well in the rest of my life, having regained a clarity and perspective that Ive been missing for 3+ years.  By supplementing my studying with those 10 mgs, I was able to focus in a way I hadn't been able to when I was abusing this drug by taking 20-30mg doses several times a day.  My habit was to binge, and then crash, once or twice a month.  I was taking at least 80 and sometimes up to 120-40 a day, extrememly dangerous levels.  I will never do that again, but I also don't think I can quit taking Adderall altogether just yet, not while I'm in school, and not while it seems my marriage is, in fact, ending.  I will be talking to my doctor about lowering my dose to 2 x 10mg a day, which is all I need to get a couple study sessions in, but which didn't change my personality or have me crashing throughout the day every time the drug left my system.  I left him a detailed message today, but may not hear back until next week since he's at a conference.

 

Now to the marriage.  When he finally really understood that I was quitting Adderall, my also-addicted husband filled my last prescription and has been taking it.  He will not give it back to me, not even in the small quanities for which I am asking.  It's like he's become a human lockbox.  Believe me, I never asked him to serve this function.  (As I write this, I realize there can be varied interpretations of and reactions to this, but regardless I need to turn to you guys because this is the only place I have found any support for any problem surrounding the chaos that started in my life when I began abusing this drug.)  Things got very, very ugly today, and I'm sorry I cant go into more datails.  Among other things, he claims that he is only trying to help me, that I reneged on my committment, that I am a loser, that I am ruining our chances of ever having a good life again, and that he was going to quit also as soon as I was "really quit."  Unfortunately, these sentiments did not come out of a person expressing love and concern; they were tossed out amidst screaming and raging and horrifying insults.  He later went to work (graveyard) and I had to block him on the phone, the texts I was getting were so bad.

 

I am crushed on so many levels.  So much for partnership.  So much for studying.  So much for  . . . anything.  I just don't know how to cope with this.  Obviously, this volatility did not just start in the last few days.  There have been serious problems in my marriage for a long time,  and perhaps (duh) I was (ab)using to cope.

 

I welcome your comments whatever they may be.  And if you have a few good thoughts to spare, I welcome those too.

 

Thanks for listening.

[JustinW]

I never abused adderall, but I did a considerable amount of damage to my marriage, children, and family while taking it.  I actually considered divorce on a few occasions while on adderall even though it was normally not an option in my pre-adderall mind.  I sincerely hope that you two can work things out, but with adderall involved on both sides it will take a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice on both sides.  We have our first session of couples counseling today and I suspect that it will take several years to sort things out but we are both committed to making it work.  There are some things that cannot be fixed without a mediator and if you try to fix them on your own a lot of damage can be done.  Best of luck to you both!

[amandaVT]

I've been here before, asking the husband to give them back. He didn't give them back because he remembered the years of misery they caused, not because he wanted them for himself. I can't I magazine a relationship like that. I'd be jealous all the time.

[hyper_critical]

After considering quitting, I tried to control my use for a couple weeks. Even lied about it to people closest to me (and myself) after it inevitably didn't work.

 

There's a good line in the Big Book about the alcoholics' fantasy of being able to drink like "normal" people. I personally haven't known anybody who's binged on 100mg+ and ever walked that back to consistent "normal" use. 

 

I also don't know anybody who's successfully quit using while living with a partner who continues to use.

 

Just being honest, as it seems you've already decided to go back to using Adderall, albeit at a lower dose (for now).

[michaelking500]

I'm not addressing all your comments in this post, but I just wanted to say I feel bad for you in particular with your marriage.  My wife also takes adderall.  I also takes, but I should say she takes it and I don't anymore. I truly don't need it because I'm not ADD although I know you say that you are.  So my experience is much different than yours in that I was abusing adderall and didn't truly need it.  Adderall makes us withdraw from people and events and conversations.  There probably is a reason why we want to do this even before we withdraw.  I love my wife and don't want to withdraw from her or my child, but I'm certain I've done that and I think my wife has also.  This can cause a chasm in a relationship which may be what you are experiencing.  Your husband is also an addict and is likely acting out with justification and using this as an excuse to hog up your meds so he can "help you"/abuse more adderall.  It is very convenient to beat up on someone once they admit they have a problem. 

 

I've been off adderall for a week. I'm doing fine and not taking anything except coffee and getting plenty of sleep now thanks be to God.  I was sleeping like 4.5 hours a night for over a year many nights a week.  The adderall was keeping me up and to stay up the next morning I had to take more than I usually took.  It created a vicious cycle that I believe was somewhat out of my control.  That's why I knew I had to quit.  Adderall was destroying my mind simply by lack of sleep.  But adderall helps destroy relationships too.  

 

You and your husband need to be released from Adderall and you both will stand a much better chance of healing your marriage.  Was your husband mean like this before being on Adderall?  I bet he wasn't.  I don't know you or your husband but I wouldn't abandon your marriage until you try and help he also get away from adderall.  You can be delivered from this.  I was and I have no issues one week after stopping a five year abuse.

[Luckyducky]

Meagain

I can truly relate. My marriage is also not in a good state. I have 3 kids and have started therapy. I just want to walk out and move on but I need to take care of myself, my adderall problem and get better. Only

Then can I make a rationale decision about my marriage. He has addiction issues and has pills too. We can't fix our husband, marriage nor anything else until we get better. Take care of you

First and I promise the

Rest will work out the way

It's supposed to be.

[Freebird]

Hey Lucky- I have be been thinking about you.  I have noticed your few post over the past several days and was soooo happy to see them.  i was wondering and i admit worried what was going on with you or maybe on of your sons. All I could do was "like" at that moment, because as we have discussed before I do believe i have this depression that comes and goes and well.  when it sneaks up on me.... i am pretty useless.  But back to you...  I am SO HAPPY for you and YAY I am super glad  for your 9 days I guess it is longer now I can't remember when I read that post.  BUt I know you must BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF as you should be!  HIP HIP HOORAY for you!!!   Well i would LOVE to catch up so if you have time of feel like it PM me whenever.  and tell me about the kiddos, husband, you, etc....   ((((hugs))))  again it was sooo good when I saw you name the other day back one this forum! 

[Brandy76]

Wow I hope your situation got better with your marriage.  I couldn't imagine being with someone just like me on it. 

 

When you described your husbands outburst of texts and insults it's sad to say but it reminds me so much of  my new "adderall" self that I've become.  Which is very very nasty & mean if there's a disagreement...and I do that same thing of just sending hundreds of texts to the person which range from mean to super mean then I'll back peddal and try to be nice.

 

the range of emotions that adderall puts you through definitely is not healthy for any relationship