failure, anxiety, humiliation

[Zerokewl]

I just got fired from a project I was working on.  I was behind deadline and was taking forever to do stuff.  Partially because I was working on another project. But mostly because I spend hours everyday paralyzed with anxiety and  depression.  

 

Fighting through it I manage to get things done. But my to-do list grows and I am self employed and nothing is ever done.  It feel humiliated that I am unable to get done everything. So I procrastinate by smoking and telling myself I deserve a break.  

 

  I experienced this anxiety before adderall and was one of the reasons I sought a solution through medication. Frozen in indecision and far to worried what others think. Every project I do is so laced with painful anxiety it is small wonder I complete anything.    

 

   I need to find a way to overcome this and be able to get work done. I fell overwhelmed by everything and I'm not the sort to half ass something.

 

My life is a total mess and I can't deal with the things that are destroying me internally. 

 

[quit-once]

Until you have overcome the challenges of your Recovery, focus on the small things that give you happiness.  Like your kitten Mango.  He needs you more than ever and he really doesn't give a fuck about your personal victories or defeats.  Be glad you can work from home and enjoy his company and support. 

 

However, at this point in your recovery, I wonder if you would do better with a real job in a workplace setting, a job with co-workers, structure and discipline?

 

Have you tried the approach of doing a task as quick and shitty as you can, just good enough to say your done with it and then walk away from it?

[BeHereNow]

ZK,

 

Sorry to hear you lost a project.  That's really rough.  At least you have others going?

 

I just wanted to say, I relate to what you said so much.  I'm paralyzed pretty much all day every day by anxiety and depression, with roots that extend so deep into my soul.  The problem is I'm wasting time and I'm really far behind on starting my thesis for grad school.  My time is very unstructured, it's almost like being self-employed, so I have to structure it myself.  I feel like I just CANT discipline myself now that I'm off adderall.   I try so many things.  I set schedules, then break them.  I try waking up early, and then I'm tired all day.  I try waking up late, and I can't get my day going.  I tell myself I deserve breaks and workouts and sleep and such, but I need to tighten up the slack here.  

 

I realized recently that the lack of productivity has its roots in lost self confidence, which my anxiety and depression are all about.  I can't even write for 15 minutes on my thesis, the writer's block and lack of confidence is so bad.   I just feel like whatever I have is automatically going to be a huge load of stinky crap.   Like it's never going to be good enough so why bother.   I just assume I have nothing worthwhile to say, that my ideas are of no value, that I'm not important, that I'm a fraud and a failure and my life is going to go nowhere.  Crap like that.   It's about to become a self-serving prophecy if I don't get my act together soon.  I'll probably get kicked out pretty soon, or something.  I know I have it in me somewhere, but I shoot myself down all the damn time.

 

Anyway, I'm here if you need to commiserate.

[Marissa]

I feel this way a lot, both on and off Adderall. I decide to set boundaries for myself, but that barely works because those are the easiest to break. quit-once makes a good point about other envivronments and structure. Not having the option to put it off, or not do it, can be good motivation. 

 

I can relate though. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to writing, and a lot of times the anxiety of producing something I dislike is overwhelming enough to keep me from writing until the very last minute. I get stuck, and even though I haven't completed anything, my brain has been put through enough hell that I tell myself I need a break. The only advice I keep hearing is "just sit down, and write. keep writing even if it's bad, and you can always revise it". I find it extremely hard to follow that advice, but always helpful when I do. Maybe take on a similar mentality? Keep producing, even if it's shit, keep your standards low so that it won't get to you, and eventually you'll piece together a project you're proud of. 

 

Then again, I'm in an extremely similar situation as Occasional, so I don't know. Independent work can be so difficult. 

[Jon]

z,

 

I am so sorry to hear that you lost an account. I feel your pain. I am in a very similar place with my work. Please don't be too hard on yourself for this mishap, especially at this early point in your recovery. You have made good strides already and we love you here and don't want to see you unhappy or lose you to a setback.

 

I like what Quit-once says; take solace in Mango and let this disappointment go. We can't let our perfectionist tendencies rule us anymore. Get that book that hyper-critical recomended: Overcoming Perfectionism by Ann Smith. I am learning so many things about myself in that book.

 

Take gentle care of yourself, and if not for yourself, do it for all of us here who are going through the exact same recovery challenges. We are creating a new life for ourselves, not just away from adderall, but from the things in us that led us to adderall in the first place.

 

Hi Mango…..

[LILTEX41]

Zerokewl!

 

Keep your chin up buddy!  There are things you can do to get through this.  Here are some tips I just found online.  I like reading about this stuff because I need reminders too.  I stole this stuff from additudemag.com

 

1. Create the right working environment

- clean your workspace and only keep out what you need to do the project

- set your own deadlines for completing portions of the project (break it down into doable chunks)

 

2. Don't beat yourself up

-The messages we tell ourselves about doing the task at hand as a strong impact on how or whether we do it

-Avoid negative self talk, and send yourself positive realistic messages

-Instead of saying, "This will take forever and it's so late already"...substitute..."I might not be able to finish this today, but I can do the first two steps within the next 30 minutes."

 

3. Just Do It and Withhold Criticism

- Just start doing it even if it's sloppy. It's better than looking at a blank page.

-Don't critique it until you've finished it. That way you can avoid getting waylaid by perfectionism, or frustration at how much you have left to do

 

4. Take One Small Step at a Time

- I used to do this in the pool when I had to swim 40 laps.  Instead of thinking...THIS SUCKS...I have to swim non stop for 40 laps, I had an index card with 40 laps chunked into all kinds of fun strokes and repetitions.  Like 4 x 100 breast stroke..30 sec rest..etc. I say chunk the entire project into doable pieces and then set a time/date you will get each chunk done by.

 

5. Give Yourself a Message

- Write a note and post it within view for the 2 hours you are going to work on the paper or how ever long you decide.

"This is not the time to clean my room. I can do that tomorrow. This is only the first draft. It does not need to be perfect sentence structure and wording."

 

6. Make a List

- If you are stressing out about all you have to do instead of focusing on the paper, make a list of everything so it is all on paper and then you'll be able to focus better because you won't have to remember all of it.

 

7. Each Morning List your "Top 10 To Do Items" on an erasable white board

- If your priorities shift, erase them and re-write top 10.

 

 

Look at this as a SET UP for your next victory.  Sometimes we have to take a step back to take 2 steps forward. 

 

And remember, you are still CLEAN!  That's the biggest accomplishment of ALL.  It will get better. We just have to find alternative ways of dealing with our obstacles. 

 

"If you can't fly, then run.

If you can't run, then walk.

If you can't walk, then crawl. but whatever you do, you have to keep moving FOWARD."

 

-Martin Luther King Jr.

[Zerokewl]

Thanks all I am touched by your responses. I really dont know where I would be with you all.  I really took too much on too early. The other project went well and all is not lost,  I really made some strides since December.   Quit Once you are correct I need to lower my expectations in my first year of recovery.  Occasional & Marrisa thanks I really relate to what you are saying... we need to solve this! Its not hopeless.  Jon thank-you we are so close in recovery time I think we are on the same page in terms in recovery.  Liltex I am going to do every thing on that list starting tomorrow today! 

 

I'm taking this as a minor set back. I'm going to try to make the most of this week. Get over it get done.  Move on. Keep moving. Throughout my recovery I've been fascinated by skateboard videos and the sheer number times a skater has to fall to land that one elusive trick. This is one of those scenarios. I just have to get up and keep getting up.   

 

The other project I did went well! I completed my first major Adderall free project.  So there is that focus on the positive and who can forget Mango my crazy cat.  

[JustinW]

ZK,

 

Quit-once and Occasional1 gave very honest and painful feedback.  I was thinking about creating a post with similar feelings to the ones expressed by OC1 this morning.  My procrastination isn't driven by lack of confidence or self esteem it is driven by a lack of desire and I haven't been able to pinpoint the source yet.  But yeah, I still struggle with reading comprehension and writing anything much longer than a paragraph; this has made my schoolwork drag into Fridays, Saturdays, and even Sundays at this point.  Sorry that I don't have a solution.  It sucks to lose but these failures allow us the opportunity to forge our character and define who we really are.  Who will you be?  (I already know the answer, you're not so easily defeated)

 

I know that signatures can easily be overlooked; but maybe mine will give you a boost today?

[Cassie]

I struggled at my job for the first 18 months off Adderall because it was very unstructured and had no deadlines. I had to go there every day, but I had no oversight and all the work was self directed. I just didn't care about anything and hardly did anything. I felt tremendous anxiety for getting paid to do the bare minimum, like I was cheating my employer. My solution was to quit that job and get a job that had way more oversight and deadlines (sales). I did okay there but didn't like it so now I'm in another, similar role.

It's so much easier to change your environment than it is to change yourself (if that's even possible). I wish I would have done it sooner, instead of struggling for 18 months to 'be more productive' at a slow paced, unstructured job. What I needed was an environment that had daily accountability, urgency, and a real boss to be more productive. I realized it wasn't a character flaw to need some oversight/management in order to be motivated to work. Maybe you can get a part time job in addition to your freelance work, so you get some structure and stimulation in your days.

Edit: just wanted to add that the busier i am, the more i get done. If i don't have much to do i slow way down. Momentum helps.

[JustinW]

Cassie, nice way to re-frame your situation into a positive!  You are so awesome.

[Luckyducky]

Zerokel-I know that must of hurt but I truly believe that with every door closed another one opens. I also found that I have to schedule my days exp when I am not at work or I sink into a funk and can't seem to move from my room. I get brain fogs and I try to tell my self walk away and come back to it later because the more I try to try to complete a task when I am overwhelmed the more I procrastinate. I had to do a simple spreadsheet it took me forever and I just kept thinking this is only temporary (brain fog) someday I will be better. Going to meetings helps when you see people with a lot of clean time and see their accomplishments are amazing. You may have lost a client but you have given me and so many others encouragement and hope. To me that is priceless !

[Zerokewl]

Really touched about all your responses. I need to process everything (especially what Cassie wrote), clearly i need to change something.  Readjusting to work life is part of recovery.  I just need to keep bashing my way through all of this.  Eventually something will work.