I want my life back.

[agm1250]

This is Day 1 for me. My story is similar to many of the others I've read on here in that I'm not sure how this happened or how I let my adderall abuse get to this point. I've always been a sociable, outgoing, and lively person. Always the fun, down to earth one that people genuinely enjoyed being around. A good student - excellent even. Graduated from college with honors and everything. The strangest thing to me about all of this is I had taken adderall occasionally in college for stuff like all-nighters and never got addicted or had the urge to take it unless I really needed it. I took it maybe 3 - 4 times throughout an entire semester and only a small dose when I did - 20mg tops, XR or IR. I would get them from friends and if a friend gave me 2 or 3 and I only needed one, the others would sit in my room for months on end and I wouldn't even think about them. Sometimes I forgot they were even there. 

 

I didn't use adderall at all for about a year and a half after graduation - I didn't really have access to it anymore and never was addicted in college so it didn't bother me not to have it. I wasn't about to go searching for it. At work I had to do projects that took hours on end - in addition to cold-calling - I had a lot of responsibility, long hours, etc. so it was very high-stress. I felt like I didn't have enough hours in the day. One day last February I was with a friend who was prescribed adderall and asked her for one to finish my latest project. She gave me a 20XR and the next day was one of the most productive and profitable days since I had started at the company - no surprise there.

 

I started to get them from my friend regularly because she didn't take them everyday either. I would only take it once a week at first, then twice a week, then even more frequently than that until I decided to get my own script so I would have more available to me, "just in case". 10mg IR twice a day. I thought to myself such a tiny dosage - where's the shame in that? But I was embarrassed to fill it every month - I knew I didn't really need it when there are people out there who really do and also felt guilty and weak for using it as crutch when I've gotten by just fine all these years. So I would fill it every 2 to 3 months and continue to get more from friends - I had expanded my network at this point to make sure I had a few different friends I could get them from. I think in a twisted kind of way the fact that I wasn't filling my own script every month made me believe I wasn't truly addicted. I don't know when the "light switch" was flipped (in my mind I always try to pinpoint when exactly the addiction started), but I found myself starting to think about it consciously and A LOT on days I wouldn't take it. In retrospect I think that came before the physical dependency in terms of fatigue, depression, etc. I would get to work and perform just fine, but all I would think about was the fact that I didn't take one, that maybe I should have, and that if I did a good job I would reward myself by taking one tomorrow.

 

Long story short, my life started to revolve around the adderall. It made me feel happy and productive, and due to my over-achiever/workaholic nature I found myself perfectly content with popping an adderall (or 2 at this point) and spending an entire weekend working on stuff for work or random projects, even if it meant canceling on friends and not doing things I used to love, like exercising, shopping, or listening to music. 

 

My abuse just continued to get worse and worse until I found myself here, at this point. I've lost 20 pounds since I first started using when I was thin to begin with and have no desire to do anything I used to enjoy. The past couple months I noticed it's been worse than ever - I feel extremely depressed and disconnected from my friends and family, cry for no reason, etc. I used to be able to fake it and fool everyone by putting on a happy face and blaming the bags under my eyes and the sunken cheeks on stress from my long hours at work and the demanding nature of my job, but lately I can't or don't even care to. A couple weeks ago my favorite song came on the radio and it didn't stir a single feeling in me, not even a little bit, and when I realized that it struck something in me and I began to cry and cry. I'm so numb and emotionless that I find myself questioning my role in this world and the purpose of working, choosing the career that I did, etc. I'm not questioning whether or not I should be here on this earth, but rather why I'm here and what I'm meant to accomplish. My thoughts are not suicidal in any way, shape, or form - but whereas in the past I would move through life with force and direction and passion, I feel like now I'm just going through the motions with no real meaning behind anything I do.

 

I tried to quit two times in the past - the first was in December. I realized I wanted to FEEL. I wanted to experience life without adderall numbing it away. I lasted 10 days. The second time was about a month ago, when I lasted another 11 days.

 

Yesterday I took 80mg. Three days ago I took 60mg and didn't feel anything, so the next day I took 70mg and felt a TINY jolt of a high that I hadn't experienced in months. That's why I took 80mg yesterday, but instead of making me feel that jolt again it just made me feel like an overly-focused zombie who hadn't slept in days. Last night I looked over at my boyfriend of 5 years who I love more than anything and who had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for me to come watch our favorite tv show, which yet again hadn't happened because I had lost track of time and didn't really want to "waste" my adderall on doing something "unproductive". This description doesn't even scratch the surface of the physical and emotional toll this drug has taken on me, but I think many of you know what I'm experiencing and how much of my life it has consumed.

 

I woke up this morning feeling awful, which I deserve, and of course the only thing I want to do right now is pop an adderall to get through the day. The last two times I quit I found I was able to fight through the physical part, but once that passed and I felt stronger and healthier due to more sleep and better nutrition the mental addiction kicked in and I would think about how much BETTER I would feel with some adderall in my system. It would probably give me the same high I used to get when I first started taking it AND I wouldn't get addicted because I was able to stop for 11 whole days, right? Wrong.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've never talked about it before and I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. I stumbled across this website around 4am when I was up and couldn't sleep last night due to the horrible comedown. It seemed like a really supportive, nonjudgmental forum, so after reading through post after post I decided today would be the day I quit. Thank you all for that. I'm determined to find the "old me" that I hope and pray is still somewhere inside me, buried underneath the dopamine deficiency, malnutrition, depression, and anxiety. I want my life back.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the board. Day 1 sucks it gets a lot better. It is going to take time, prayer, nutrition,meditation and sleep. I would recommend reading the articles on this site and taking it easy for at least the first few months.  It is not uncommon to be sleepy in the first stages of recovery. Dont fight it make things as easy as possible for the first little while.

You've found a great community of people who are in various stages of getting free so ask questions. We are all on this journey together.   

[Freedom's Wings]

This is Day 1 for me. My story is similar to many of the others I've read on here in that I'm not sure how this happened or how I let my adderall abuse get to this point. I've always been a sociable, outgoing, and lively person. Always the fun, down to earth one that people genuinely enjoyed being around. A good student - excellent even. Graduated from college with honors and everything. The strangest thing to me about all of this is I had taken adderall occasionally in college for stuff like all-nighters and never got addicted or had the urge to take it unless I really needed it. I took it maybe 3 - 4 times throughout an entire semester and only a small dose when I did - 20mg tops, XR or IR. I would get them from friends and if a friend gave me 2 or 3 and I only needed one, the others would sit in my room for months on end and I wouldn't even think about them. Sometimes I forgot they were even there. 

 

I didn't use adderall at all for about a year and a half after graduation - I didn't really have access to it anymore and never was addicted in college so it didn't bother me not to have it. I wasn't about to go searching for it. At work I had to do projects that took hours on end - in addition to cold-calling - I had a lot of responsibility, long hours, etc. so it was very high-stress. I felt like I didn't have enough hours in the day. One day last February I was with a friend who was prescribed adderall and asked her for one to finish my latest project. She gave me a 20XR and the next day was one of the most productive and profitable days since I had started at the company - no surprise there.

 

I started to get them from my friend regularly because she didn't take them everyday either. I would only take it once a week at first, then twice a week, then even more frequently than that until I decided to get my own script so I would have more available to me, "just in case". 10mg IR twice a day. I thought to myself such a tiny dosage - where's the shame in that? But I was embarrassed to fill it every month - I knew I didn't really need it when there are people out there who really do and also felt guilty and weak for using it as crutch when I've gotten by just fine all these years. So I would fill it every 2 to 3 months and continue to get more from friends - I had expanded my network at this point to make sure I had a few different friends I could get them from. I think in a twisted kind of way the fact that I wasn't filling my own script every month made me believe I wasn't truly addicted. I don't know when the "light switch" was flipped (in my mind I always try to pinpoint when exactly the addiction started), but I found myself starting to think about it consciously and A LOT on days I wouldn't take it. In retrospect I think that came before the physical dependency in terms of fatigue, depression, etc. I would get to work and perform just fine, but all I would think about was the fact that I didn't take one, that maybe I should have, and that if I did a good job I would reward myself by taking one tomorrow.

 

Long story short, my life started to revolve around the adderall. It made me feel happy and productive, and due to my over-achiever/workaholic nature I found myself perfectly content with popping an adderall (or 2 at this point) and spending an entire weekend working on stuff for work or random projects, even if it meant canceling on friends and not doing things I used to love, like exercising, shopping, or listening to music. 

 

My abuse just continued to get worse and worse until I found myself here, at this point. I've lost 20 pounds since I first started using when I was thin to begin with and have no desire to do anything I used to enjoy. The past couple months I noticed it's been worse than ever - I feel extremely depressed and disconnected from my friends and family, cry for no reason, etc. I used to be able to fake it and fool everyone by putting on a happy face and blaming the bags under my eyes and the sunken cheeks on stress from my long hours at work and the demanding nature of my job, but lately I can't or don't even care to. A couple weeks ago my favorite song came on the radio and it didn't stir a single feeling in me, not even a little bit, and when I realized that it struck something in me and I began to cry and cry. I'm so numb and emotionless that I find myself questioning my role in this world and the purpose of working, choosing the career that I did, etc. I'm not questioning whether or not I should be here on this earth, but rather why I'm here and what I'm meant to accomplish. My thoughts are not suicidal in any way, shape, or form - but whereas in the past I would move through life with force and direction and passion, I feel like now I'm just going through the motions with no real meaning behind anything I do.

 

I tried to quit two times in the past - the first was in December. I realized I wanted to FEEL. I wanted to experience life without adderall numbing it away. I lasted 10 days. The second time was about a month ago, when I lasted another 11 days.

 

Yesterday I took 80mg. Three days ago I took 60mg and didn't feel anything, so the next day I took 70mg and felt a TINY jolt of a high that I hadn't experienced in months. That's why I took 80mg yesterday, but instead of making me feel that jolt again it just made me feel like an overly-focused zombie who hadn't slept in days. Last night I looked over at my boyfriend of 5 years who I love more than anything and who had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for me to come watch our favorite tv show, which yet again hadn't happened because I had lost track of time and didn't really want to "waste" my adderall on doing something "unproductive". This description doesn't even scratch the surface of the physical and emotional toll this drug has taken on me, but I think many of you know what I'm experiencing and how much of my life it has consumed.

 

I woke up this morning feeling awful, which I deserve, and of course the only thing I want to do right now is pop an adderall to get through the day. The last two times I quit I found I was able to fight through the physical part, but once that passed and I felt stronger and healthier due to more sleep and better nutrition the mental addiction kicked in and I would think about how much BETTER I would feel with some adderall in my system. It would probably give me the same high I used to get when I first started taking it AND I wouldn't get addicted because I was able to stop for 11 whole days, right? Wrong.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I've never talked about it before and I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. I stumbled across this website around 4am when I was up and couldn't sleep last night due to the horrible comedown. It seemed like a really supportive, nonjudgmental forum, so after reading through post after post I decided today would be the day I quit. Thank you all for that. I'm determined to find the "old me" that I hope and pray is still somewhere inside me, buried underneath the dopamine deficiency, malnutrition, depression, and anxiety. I want my life back.

Sorry to hear you're in such a low place. I, We, totally "get it." You are at home here. If you are interested there is a 30 day challenge thread that might be of some assistance getting through this first 30 days, then 60. Be Well!!

 

FW

[Cassie]

Your story resonated with me because I was also an excellent student and didn't begin my daily use/abuse of Adderall until after college when I was in the working world. Got it from a friend, then finagled my own prescription, same deal. You can read my original post here: http://forum.quittingadderall.com/topic/66-the-two-month-itch/?hl=%2Bmonth+%2Bitch 

 

I've been off it for over two years now after trying to quit a few times. I feel fine now, but it's an awfully slow process that requires total commitment on your part. In my opinion, the biggest mistakes people make when quitting are 1) underestimating how long recovery takes (think years, not months) and 2) continuing to have access to the drug/not cutting yourself off from your doctor. The first year sober I was like a 'dry drunk' - off Adderall but not happy about it. It was hard to deal with the anhedonia, no motivation, empty feeling that I had for a long time. But I pushed through those roadblocks and now that a lot of time has passed I am free of that awful addiction. Good luck and I hope your boyfriend supports your quitting.

[agm1250]

Thank you so much for your support everyone. I don't know if there's a way to "tag" people's names so you can mention them in your post, but zerokewl and FW - your welcome messages really mean a lot. I'm not going to lie, I had to catch my breath at the phrase "the first few months"  - to think about not taking adderall for that long makes me nervous, sad, scared, etc. But I know it needs to be done.

 

Cassie it's so encouraging to hear you're still off it! I hope I can get there. I'll definitely read your original post. Do you still think about taking it everyday? Or do entire days go by where it's not even a passing thought?

 

Day 1 is coming to a close and I'm feeling good about not taking it. The physical symptoms weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but my pupils were enlarged for half the day and I've still been grinding my teeth, so I have a feeling the worst is yet to come. I woke up feeling extremely groggy and sluggish - zero motivation, as was to be expected. I sat glued to this website reading others' posts for at least 3 hours because every time I started to do something else it made me want to take one. I'm also taking grad school classes and I had a 5 page paper due today that I hadn't started, so I'll admit I was THIS close to taking the last couple I have left and starting anew tomorrow. But I didn't. I decided I needed to leave the house so I drove to the computer lab at my school and wrote the paper there. It was a difficult and frustrating process considering my mind was foggy and I had a massive headache - I was probably still coming down off my 210mg binge yesterday - but ironically enough I still finished it much more quickly than I would have had I been on addy. I also think it was equally, if not better, quality work because I was able to be concise without going off on tangents and overthinking every single word of every single sentence. I honestly didn't think I had it in me. I don't remember the last big assignment I did without adderall and when I left I felt extremely empowered. Miserable, but empowered. 

 

The last 2 times I tried to quit I did so when there was a lull in school and work, so I literally sat around wallowing in my sorrows. I think the fact that I had a deadline and was out of the house up and moving really helped, even though I felt miserable throughout it all. By dinner I was flushed and felt a strange rush of heat come over me, almost like a hot flash. I'm 26 so it can't possibly be that. Has anyone experienced anything like that in the first couple days?

[Cassie]

Cassie it's so encouraging to hear you're still off it! I hope I can get there. I'll definitely read your original post. Do you still think about taking it everyday? Or do entire days go by where it's not even a passing thought?

 

No, I don't think about taking it at all. When I think about it now, I think about how it would hinder me, not help me. For the first 6 months or so, I thought about it every day, multiple times a day and experienced cravings up till about 18 months. At this stage of my recovery, recovery is about personal growth rather than 'abstaining from adderall,' if that makes any sense. 

 

Also, the worst part of recovery for me was months 2-4. Things definitely got worse before they got better. That's the nature of recovering - it's not a linear process. You'll have good days and bad days until eventually the good days start to outnumber the bad. Hope this helps!

[_j3ss__]

I think so many people can relate to your post. Just know that if you quit now, you WILL feel again. I'm also an overachiever, so adderall really fuels that fire in me. It helps me get so many things done in a day. But, you know what feels even better? Getting ONE thing done without adderall in a day and knowing that you put a lot of work and concentration into it. That you didn't just pop a pill to get it done.

I was addicted for 5 years throughout college and even 2 years after college. I decided to quit 4 months ago because I also realized that I no longer had any emotions. Everyone around me would be laughing about something and I would just be trying to fake a laugh to fit in. But now, I'm so in touch with my emotions. I have never loved my life more than I do now. It will get better, I really really promise you.

Just think about it this way...if you dont quit TODAY, you will continue to live a life where you depend upon a pill to get through the day. Seize the opportunity to become yourself again and to not depend on a pill to succeed. The pill doesnt make you smarter, it just "cracks" you out and makes you able to be "super human." If you ever need to talk, let me know!

[agm1250]

Welcome to the board. Day 1 sucks it gets a lot better. It is going to take time, prayer, nutrition,meditation and sleep. I would recommend reading the articles on this site and taking it easy for at least the first few months.  It is not uncommon to be sleepy in the first stages of recovery. Dont fight it make things as easy as possible for the first little while.

You've found a great community of people who are in various stages of getting free so ask questions. We are all on this journey together.   

Day 2 and now I know what you mean by "take it easy.." I have 2 assignments for grad school that I have to do this weekend. I should have had them done by now, along with grocery shopping, laundry, and a million other things on my over-achiever to-do list that are not even remotely necessary, but that I would like to accomplish. And that I would HAVE accomplished because that's what a Saturday is typically like for me.

 

I sat on the couch until now, 3:30PM, exhausted and depressed about my lack of productivity, but I think I'm going to do one assignment today and one assignment tomorrow. Grocery shopping and laundry can wait until Monday, and everything else will just have to fall by the wayside for now.

[agm1250]

 Good luck and I hope your boyfriend supports your quitting.

 

Cassie, I realized I never responded to this, but yes - he supports my quitting 100%. He hates how it sucks the life and personality right out of me. I also wasn't taking it for the first 3+ years of our relationship, so he serves as a constant reminder that I really am naturally intelligent, productive, fun etc. underneath it all - he's witnessed that side of me first-hand so I think it makes him that much more supportive of me quitting.

 

That being said, I get the sense that a lot of people out there don't really understand the physical or mental dependence that comes along with it - especially those that have taken it a few times in the past without getting hooked. I don't think I would have either if you had talked to me a few years ago, when I took it only a few times a semester in college and then never gave it a second thought.  I don't expect my boyfriend to be able to relate to what I'm experiencing 100%, because that would probably require him to be addicted as well and I don't wish that on anyone. I think our addiction is also misunderstood/underestimated because we get it from our doctors, not a sketchy looking dealer on the corner of the street at night, and because our dependency/withdrawal symptoms don't look like those depicted by Brody on Homeland. I'm thankful for that, of course, but this is not a case of "the struggle is real." This addiction, this struggle, really IS real. Which is one of the reasons I'm so glad I found this website. 

[agm1250]

I think so many people can relate to your post. Just know that if you quit now, you WILL feel again. I'm also an overachiever, so adderall really fuels that fire in me. It helps me get so many things done in a day. But, you know what feels even better? Getting ONE thing done without adderall in a day and knowing that you put a lot of work and concentration into it. That you didn't just pop a pill to get it done.

I was addicted for 5 years throughout college and even 2 years after college. I decided to quit 4 months ago because I also realized that I no longer had any emotions. Everyone around me would be laughing about something and I would just be trying to fake a laugh to fit in. But now, I'm so in touch with my emotions. I have never loved my life more than I do now. It will get better, I really really promise you.

Just think about it this way...if you dont quit TODAY, you will continue to live a life where you depend upon a pill to get through the day. Seize the opportunity to become yourself again and to not depend on a pill to succeed. The pill doesnt make you smarter, it just "cracks" you out and makes you able to be "super human." If you ever need to talk, let me know!

Jess, thank you so much. Your use of the phrase "fuels the fire in me" really hits home with how I feel about adderall. Congratulations on hitting the 4 month mark! That's really great. It seems like one of the reasons we both decided to quit was the lack of emotions. I also found myself faking laughter and I hated it, especially when under normal circumstances I probably would have laughed for real. Socializing and articulating myself has also always been a strength of mine, and I would find myself feeling or sounding extremely awkward when talking to professors, colleagues, friends, etc. And I've never been an awkward person! Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really do appreciate them. 

[Zerokewl]

Day 2 and now I know what you mean by "take it easy.." I have 2 assignments for grad school that I have to do this weekend. I should have had them done by now, along with grocery shopping, laundry, and a million other things on my over-achiever to-do list that are not even remotely necessary, but that I would like to accomplish. And that I would HAVE accomplished because that's what a Saturday is typically like for me.

 

I sat on the couch until now, 3:30PM, exhausted and depressed about my lack of productivity, but I think I'm going to do one assignment today and one assignment tomorrow. Grocery shopping and laundry can wait until Monday, and everything else will just have to fall by the wayside for now.

 

It gets better I promise. Just focus on the important things for now. Since quitting adderall my sock drawer is in complete dis array. I manage to find socks that match everyday tho.  The sleepiness subsides in time. Just focus on the high priority items on your to do list for now. 

[agm1250]

Thanks ZK. Unfortunately I'll have to try to get both assignments done tomorrow. I just couldn't do it. I'm not sure how I even did yesterday's assignment on Day 1. It must have still been in my system or something. Hoping tomorrow is better. My sock drawer can stay messy for the time being as long as I can get these assignments done!

[Zerokewl]

Early on I learned how to half ass things. You know just get it done and don't worry about it being perfect. Its a valuable skill in recovery.  You can always edit and rewrite later.