Interesting how I only remember the good

[ShreddedTea]

Some basic info-

 

M

20 years old

Been using Adderall for nearly 5 years at varying doses (dont have ADD/ADHD)

 

Anyways here goes! I started using Adderall back in Soph. year of HS because why not right? The thought of feeling confident, overzealous and having perfect grades was enough for me to try a little pink oval pill from my best friend. To be honest I only stayed at 20mg a day and that was more than enough to get me to go to school, bump my grades up from low level C's to A's and B's with honor roll. All this time I'm socializing like never before. Even though I'm not an introvert and was socially confident long before Adderall it was simply taken to a new level of meeting people and making friends. 

 

Fast forward to a few months later and I'm prescribed, only 30 10mg pills a day but what do I do? Call my doctor of course and ask for a higher dose since I would run out in a week or two and anybody that knows me is aware of my lack of patience. 

 

However the honeymoon phase doesn't quite last and sooner or later I found myself taking 40mg a day then 60mg a day. Hey, I have to write another paper? Might as well pop another 20mg to make it a total of 80mg a day and wash it down with red bull. As high school went on and progressed so did my use, days of taking 60mg a day upon waking and hardly feeling it. Taking downers at night (alcohol, benzo's, vicodin) whatever could help me fall asleep only to wake up and pop more Adderall. 

 

Then I was taking 100mg a day and had the functioning and happiness of someone that didn't even take the medicine. Dopamine took a beating that's for sure. 

 

From sophomore year of HS to now (Soph. in College) my use would vary highly, some days only take 20mg and some days I was taking 100mg. I would periodically take 2-3 month long breaks because obviously it got to the point where I was only getting negative side effects with absolutely not one positive. Its funny how I personally only remember the good times I had with the Adderall and never the bad- panic attacks in school, freaking out and having derealization once or twice. 

 

Yet, every 2-3 month long break towards the 3 month mark I start breaking in terms of controlling my impulse to go get my prescription filled and pay $10 knowing very well my tolerance may have gone down but the love for the drug became a hate. Every drive to my doctors office was one of joy, listening to music I had listened to while on Adderall and being super excited. A day later I am wallowing in regret and hate. Its funny how when getting my script filled I'm not thinking about the endless and endless and endless and endless nights of trying to fall asleep but not being able to shut off my brain. Going days eating only 500-1000 calories a day (horrible for a bodybuilder like myself) and not being able to get food down no matter how hard I tried.

 

Today is one of those days I got my refill and this. is. it. I am so done with this ridiculous pill that has convinced me that if I take it I will go back to those times when I first took it, energetic, happy and restless in a good way. I took 40mg today after a 2 month long break and nothing. These past two months I have felt more energetic and happy without the pills than with. It feels like a dirty caffeine buzz with introversion and a hint of anxiety. I took my 60 20mg pills and flushed them down the toilet today, which I have NEVER done before. I swallowed my pride and ego and called my doctor telling him basically that I feel like it is just not for me anymore and never will be.

 

Past times I have hated the pill but never wanted to quit. Now I am more than ready, realizing Adderall has no value to me and does nothing for me.

 

Starting a new chapter in my life and I am EXCITED. 

[Zerokewl]

Congrats on calling your doctor and cutting off your supply. This a major step it means your serious.  Welcome to board we are all here because in various stages of recovery from this horrible drug.   Take some time and read the articles on this site and review some old forum posts.  In the next few months you will go through a process of recalibrating your brain chemistry. Maybe hit the gym as often as you can during this period. 

[Greg]

great job shreddedtea, you're well on your way.

[Jon]

 

Today is one of those days I got my refill and this. is. it. I am so done with this ridiculous pill that has convinced me that if I take it I will go back to those times when I first took it, energetic, happy and restless in a good way. I took 40mg today after a 2 month long break and nothing. These past two months I have felt more energetic and happy without the pills than with. It feels like a dirty caffeine buzz with introversion and a hint of anxiety. I took my 60 20mg pills and flushed them down the toilet today, which I have NEVER done before. I swallowed my pride and ego and called my doctor telling him basically that I feel like it is just not for me anymore and never will be.

 

Past times I have hated the pill but never wanted to quit. Now I am more than ready, realizing Adderall has no value to me and does nothing for me.

 

Starting a new chapter in my life and I am EXCITED. 

 

Most of us have played the cat and mouse game like you have with this hideous drug, trying to squeeze out every last drop of pizazz that was experienced when we first started to take it. Eventually we arrived at unsustainability. Once this realization sets in we started looking for a way out and found ourselves here.

 

I like the way you creatively describe the effects of the drug at this point: It feels like a dirty caffeine buzz with introversion and a hint of anxiety. That's good! I really like it. It hits home.

 

Get out while the getting out is good. You are young and have a good opportunity at leaving it all behind you. Don't waste it.

 

Keep coming back.

[BigBeezy]

Calling the Dr is a great idea. Not having a source will help to deter from getting more. I'm calling my dr tomorrow to cut myself off