sarahCaKes Posted April 30, 2014 Report Share Posted April 30, 2014 Man, I am in absolute shock that it has been almost a year since I last posted! Unfortunately, another year of my life completely wasted to fucking adderall. Adderall has officially controlled my life for seven years now. Its amazing that a year ago is when I thought I had finally hit rock bottom..decided to stop taking the shit, went to a counselor, told my doctor, went to meetings, found this site, etc. And look at me now-way worse than before. In fact, I would do anything to go back to where I was a year ago. The person I have become is beyond sickening. I avoid mirrors at all cost so that I do not have to see this disgusting excuse of a wife and mother. I only lasted about two weeks without adderall the last time I tried to quit. I eventually went back to the same doctor with whom I admitted to abusing my prescription and she basically just wrote me a new script and said "dont do that again." I said, "ok," and that was that. It was the same downward spiral as before and I'd run out in just a week with twenty days until I could get more. However, since my husband also has a prescription (from the same damn doctor), he would fill his in the middle of my not having any-so I'd basically only have to pull my hair out for just a week before I could get more. During this week though I would exhaust any and all resources to find stimulants. I have a friend who's boyfriend is prescribed 50mg Vyvanse and he'd sell me some to make it through. I would still need more and more and more though. I went back to my doctor to try to increase the dose as she's done so many times before, but due to much more strict narcotic/controlled substance laws in Indiana-she became more cautious and aware of the situation and denied the increase in dosage but still allowed my current scripts. However, at this point in school (graduating RN program), clinicals were longer and work was more intense-I felt the need for something more. Not to mention, marital problems ensued and I was beginning to go out with friends on a nightly basis. I soon dabbled in cocaine for the first time. Honestly, I know nothing about coke, but I felt nothing from it and thankfully didn't keep trying to. Evidently though, I did a butt load and my dumbass was drug tested at the doctors office prior to picking up my adderall script a few days later. I cannot even tell you why in the hell I didnt think about the 'whole having to pee in a cup thing' after I freakin' did cocaine but the drug test takes five seconds to read so the doctor came into the room all crazy and pretty much dismissed me from the office (after I caused a huge scene, denied everything and they ended up sending it off to be tested-only to receive an incredibly embarrassing phone call a few days later to confirm that I indeed tested positive for some ungodly amount of cocaine in my urine). So then life pretty much seemed over with. I almost didnt graduate because every night I was binge drinking, driving drunk, cheating, lying and living this stupid, wild, i-dont-give-a-shit-if-i-die life. My husband continued to get his adderall and gave most of it to me to shut me up because I became this horrible, selfish excuse of a woman. The vyvanse guy became my only desperate option at times and to make things even better-he began only giving it to me if I'd 'hang-out' with him. My low-life ass would do it too. His girlfriend was a friend of mine! Who in the fuck am I? I am terrible. I did not pass the nursing boards because I stopped caring. It is hard to even type that sentence-for as hard as I worked in school, all those hours, tears and time away from my family-for me to admit that I just havent cared is...just completely insane.There are so many more gruesome examples of how I have become this evil, sick, disgusting person the past year, but I think youre getting the picture. Anyhow, soon after the doctor dismissed me, I began seeing a doctor I had seen years ago who first prescribed me adderall. He took me right in, didnt question the years I hadnt been seen in the office, and didnt request medical records-and there it was again. A new script of adderall, full circle, right back where it all began, same office and all. Now, I am here. Out of pills earlier and earlier-taking up to 15 pills in 24 hrs. Ive noticed little side effects though. Ive noticed my inability to think, like really think about things as I once did. It's not so much that scatter-brained, all over the place, adderall-type of experience, but it's more like a superficial sense of reality-an inability to seek further or deeper within myself. Emotionless. I literally cannot feel. Also, my memory is so far gone. I am forgetting things on a daily basis. I hate me. I do not care what happens to me. How can I feel this way? I have two small children who are my world, whom I love dearly. I know some may argue that I dont love them or I'd get better, do better and be a better mother-but my struggles and this war I am fighting have become so far out of my control that I don't feel like this addiction is even a choice anymore. It never was. It is a disease that swallowed me whole and is continuing to eat me alive. The past year has been unbelievable to say the least. I do not know who I am. I keep making terrible decisions, same mistakes over and over, I continue to hurt anyone and everyone around me, and it all seems so damn unreal. My mood swings are out of control. The comedowns are getting darker and darker. I am not who I used to be and I hate it. I am back to wanting this shit out of my life, but the thought of living life craving something that has controlled my every move for so long just seems like a death sentence. I am already in a horrific, dark, lonely place with just a little ray of sunshine every once in awhile-but if you take away that sunshine, I'll have nothing left. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpme Posted April 30, 2014 Report Share Posted April 30, 2014 Hello, I understand compleeeeetely the part about loving your children. I feel exactly the same😣 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Helpme Posted April 30, 2014 Report Share Posted April 30, 2014 Let's do this together. Lets stop this, for our babies, our family and for us! I have a 17 month old baby. I stopped when I got pregnant and was clean for almost a year. But recently started studying for the september law bar and now I'm back to square one😔 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahCaKes Posted May 1, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2014 thanks so much for your reply. I agree. let's do this together and be the great mommies we were meant to be 😊 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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