I've had enough, Adderall

[mila490]

This website is such a savior. I found it through a Google search for who knows what. You know you’ve had enough when you start searching for Adderall withdrawal tips, how to avoid weight gain without Adderall, etc. I’ve browsed through many of the articles and other stories on the website and my own is quite similar. I feel a bit silly posting my story, but it helped me to read others' stories, so here goes nothing. I hope this helps someone out there struggling. Note that I am not out of the woods yet; I’m only 6 days clean, but I am happier than ever that I made this decision.

 

It seemed harmless in the beginning. I had my first few tastes of amphetamine-glory during all nighters in college. I found myself engaged and focused on subjects that previously bored me. I liked the study perk, but only took it twice in two years. I should have known. One or two is never enough for my addictive personality.

 

So I decided I could go to the doctor myself. I sought validation from my family and friends – “I’ve always been really distracted, right?†“It takes me so long to focus on anything, I must need medication, right?†They nodded and gave me the validation I sought. The doctor’s white coat and medical opinion were also validating. The doctor legitimately diagnosed me with ADD. I’m not here to say whether or not I truly feel the diagnosis was warranted, but I gleefully filled the prescription and set off on a two-year journey that led me here. I never abused the medication, but it’s scary to feel dependent on anything that alters your behaviors and personality so dramatically.

 

I can’t argue that Adderall helped me complete some tasks that normally took much longer. Adderall especially helped me plan and make lists. I laughed reading other stories about Excel spreadsheets, because I became known at work for my obsessively color-coded spreadsheets.

 

At first, Adderall made me lose weight, which was a welcome side effect. I savored the “You’re so tiny!†comments, as any college girl would.  Then Adderall made me lose my mind. I was in overdrive M-F and dead on the weekends when I chose not to take the drug. It was like a 48-hour hangover every 5 days. I knew that if I stopped taking the drug, I would feel that hangover extended over many days, which terrified me. All I did was eat and sleep on those days. I couldn’t gain weight! So I kept on taking the drug. When I think rationally, I can see that Adderall didn’t do a damn positive thing for me. 

 

I stopped going out with my friends. I would get incredibly drunk every time I drank. I became abnormally antisocial and irritable. Adderall made me think I didn’t have time for small talk; I had other things, like to do lists, to focus on! I was on a rollercoaster.  

 

I stopped exercising because it was so uncomfortable (excessive sweating and crazy heart beat). I was a competitive athlete for most of my life and exercise always meant a lot more to me than just burning calories. Adderall took away my desire to challenge myself. Now that’s some negative and powerful stuff.  How did I ever get lead so far astray?

 

When I graduated college a year ago, I thought I’d try to stop taking Adderall. I landed my dream job in corporate America, though, and I couldn’t risk messing it up, so I kept on taking the drug.  I went through periods of trying to give it up, but then I’d freak out about my weight or productivity and pop the pills again. Rollercoaster.

 

I started to become very anxious on the drug or so hyper-focused on things other than work at work. I was completely sleep-deprived and could barely wake up for work in the mornings. I started sleeping in often and not even caring that I was showing up for work late. I couldn’t start my day without the drug in my system. Adderall’s magical motivational powers were taking a turn in the opposite direction. I would go days without working on my work projects, because I had to make to do lists and “organize my life.†Life can never be organized into a perfect little box, though. At some point you have to stop making to do lists and actually get up and go DO.

 

I’m not sure exactly what clicked, but last week I decided I was done with this rollercoaster. That’s the thing about rollercoasters – you go up, down, upside down, and around a few times, but then you need to unbuckle your seatbelt, stand up, and get off the ride. You can’t continue riding around forever … doesn’t that just sound miserable?

 

I gave it up cold turkey, put all my pills in a baggie full of Windex (whatever works, right?), and threw them out. As I said, I wasn’t on a very high dose and never abused my prescription, but, as we all know, giving up Adderall at any level is a tough task. I was going to keep a few pills “just to be safe,†but I decided to just get it all out of my apartment. I’d rather not give myself the option, because “just one†is never enough.

 

It might have been dumb to do it in the middle of the work week, but I knew about the impending depression, and I needed to force myself to be in a public, work setting to help combat it (as backwards as that sounds). I can’t say I accomplished much at work the past few days and it sure took a lot of caffeine to get myself there, but I did it. One of the best, most helpful things I read on this website was that "you have to get used to not functioning without the drug before you can get used to functioning without it.†So I sat at my desk, surfed the web, and chugged coffee. The good news is that I already feel my motivation without the drug creeping back in. I can’t wait to get back to the gym. I can’t wait to wake up feeling rested and ready for work. I can’t wait to actually enjoy things like going out to dinner with my friends and, you know, actually eating and socializing. I can’t wait to do more with my weekends than sleep, eat, and count down the hours until I can take a pill.

 

For a while, The Adderall Effect made me feel like superwoman and on top of the world. Then it all caught up to me. Now I feel the opposite and like a fog has lifted that’s allowing me to think clearly without the drug.  I've had enough. I quit Adderall.

 

Thanks if you actually read through this long-winded story. It helps to write it all out and I hope it helps if you read it.

 

Helpful tips: Happy music, long drives, long walks (with a pup if you have one!), reading, letting myself get plenty of sleep, drinking lots of caffeine, TV/movies (anything to pass the time is helpful those first few days), reading stories on this website, vitamins/supplements, and – most importantly – keeping some perspective and knowing that you’ll be much better off once you get through the first few days/weeks.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the board. Great post thank-you for sharing your story.  Congrats on getting clean, and moving forward.