My road of destruction with adderall

[brandnewme]

Hi there everyone, 

 

I've never posted on here before. I just want to introduce myself and tell you some of my story. My name is Nicki I'm 21 years old. 

 

I am so glad these forums exist! I just found them today and holy crap, I didn't know there were so many people that struggled with amphetamines the way I did. Adderall and other amphetamines (Vyvanse, focalin, ritalin, concerta) literally RAN and RUINED my life. 

 

I first tried adderall when I was 15. (I did not have ADHD and was not prescribed the medication). My friend told me it would help to do better in school (even though I already did very well) and also that it would help me lose some weight (before taking adderall I already had an eating disorder). The first time I tried it I loved the effect it had on me. I felt like "The ultimate version of me". After that day I begged my friend to share her prescription every day. Adderall tricking me into thinking that I was nothing without it in a very quick period of time. At first as I was taking it I could study longer, I was even more outgoing, I could clean for hours, color code my closet, and things I had never been motivated to do before. Like a lot of you have already said I felt like Superwoman and I never wanted to be without adderall again. Of course I only felt like superwoman until the pill wore off. 

 

So I was using adderall daily and reaching out to other people to try and buy more and I would start freaking out if I couldn't find more and would not go to school if I ran out or to work or even get out of bed. 

 

At age 17 the friend who had first given me her adderall told my mom I had a problem and I was sent to inpatient treatment. I hated every minute of it and I did not believe I had a problem...well not really. And I thought when I got out I would just drink and smoke pot but not use adderall. I stayed in treatment 45 days and was very stressed that I was missing school work (I have perfectionistic tendencies). I got drunk the first night I got out and started attending outpatient. A kid I was at outpatient with starting selling me adderall and of course I relapsed. Anyways this story is going to take forever if I don't give you the short version but please message me if you have an questions. So at age 18 I went to treatment again and AMAed (left against medical advice) after two weeks. I graduated high school and stayed mostly sober the summer before college. I left to go to college 5 hours away.  That year at college I bought more adderall and vyvanse than I ever could at home. I would stay up for weeks at a time, I would sleep for days and wake up not knowing what day it was. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what I liked to do because on adderall/vyvanse I liked to do everything. I loved the losing weight part at first but because of my co-occurring eating disorder I looked really awful like a skeleton. 

 

After that first year at college I was so sick and was not functioning and was suicidal when I would run out of adderall and my mom decided that she would not support me going to college 5 hrs away anymore that I would have to move home, prove I could stay sober, and go to community college. It feels pathetic almost writing this but I STILL could not stay sober I attempted to go back to school I went to ANOTHER treatment center for a week and then checked out AMA. I tried once more to go back to school AGAIN. I would get really anxious and overwhelmed and feel like I needed adderall. At this point I was 19.

 

February 1st 2013 I went to a treatment center in Florida for amphetamine abuse, as well as benzos, and alcohol (but mostly for amphetamine abuse). My sobriety date is February 1st 2013 I have been sober from every mind altering substance since that day to now. (I have been clean for 16 months and 11 days). I went to a halfway house after inpatient and lived there with other girls for 9 months and then I lived in an apartment with two other sober women. I have now had two birthdays in sobriety and I also go to AA meetings and work the 12 steps which has helped me so unbelievably much. I never thought my life would be able to turn around or that I would be able to live a happy life. 

 

This first year of being sober has been hard and had lots of ups and downs for me. I felt and sometimes still feel like life is boring and I don't get much pleasure out of things I used too but I'm still hoping it will continue to get better with time. I also read on here that other people had the same question that I am always thinking of. "Did I damage my brain's pleasure centers indefinitely?" "Will they ever restore themselves?" 

Also the weight gain has been a big struggle for me and I have also struggled again with my eating disorder since getting sober. But more than anything I am grateful for this site so I could share my story, experience, strength and hope. It DOES GET BETTER, one day at a time!! You can be free from adderall addiction and live a life filled with HOPE, FAITH and COURAGE.

 

God Bless,

 

Nicki

[JustinW]

Welcome to the forums Nicki and congratulations on your 16+ months of sobriety!

[brandnewme]

Thank you very much Justin! How's recovery & life goin for you?

[JustinW]

Busy!  I have bad days like last Sunday when my lawnmower broke down and got stuck.  Of course with all the rain here I can't get the lawn mowed so it looks like a foreclosure.  Add to that it's a heavy workload week at school so my self esteem has been pretty low but as my buddy SpongeBob says "I am confident in my ability to successfully succeed."  This morning I decided that I would turn things around to a positive direction through attitude and brute force.

 

That's my neurosis for the week.  (We all have our own personal blend of crazy, don't we?)

[brandnewme]

Justin haha it's o funny reading your post it sounds exactly like something I would write. I have just had a similar week. I did mow my lawn yesterday tho no rain for us. But I was being really negative about not finding a job yet and was just all in my head and passed at myself because I'm not doing so good with trying to lose the weight I want to lose also. (I think I was so used to how easy the weight fell off while I was using, I got that instant gratification, and now having to lose weight the healthy way like everyone else with eating healthy and exercise is really hard for me, who woulda thought anyways today I decided to be positive and just do what I could so I went to the gym nd got some stuff done. Truth be told I'm still feeling pretty negative but it us what it is I suppose. Anyways I totally relate to you. Lawn mowers and very frustrating.I like the quote also! Positive affirmations! We are what we think we are, right? hope you had a good Friday and yayy it's the weekend!

[brandnewme]

So*, pissed*, and*, is* sorry for all the misspells, stupid smart phone 😮

[Perullo]

brandnewme,

 

Welcom to the site!  It's good to know that there is someone out there who is strong enough to break their cycle of self-destruction.  Just remember, it is a daily struggle.  But every day you get through without relapsing is another day's victory.  Thank you for the moving story, and I wish you the best!

 

Also, FYI - You mentioned some weight control issues in your post.  For what it's worth, I've had similar issues in the past, and Weight Watchers helped me lose 65 lbs., which I've kept off for 2 years.  Just a thought.