aimee779 Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have been prescribed Adderall for nearly 15 years. I took it as prescribed for years, until about nine years ago when I started dating my now husband.. He had never even tried it and we started taking more than what was prescribed and even snorted it on occasion.. I've been on Adderall 30mg XR twice daily for as long as I can remember. I recently got a new Psych who thought I was on too high of a dose so she reduced it to 20mg twice daily.. But about 7 months ago, I found adderall to buy... I have always taken it and shared my Rx with my husband so we would run out and be off of it for like two weeks at a time until I found a way to get more seven months ago. Once that option was available to me, I started taking about 120mg a day or so.. I started using bill money on it, but always had an excuse for it or justified it. Then about two months ago I came across an endless supply of it. Super easy access that would actually pay for it until I could and even give me gas money to come pick it up!! Now all hell has broke loose. I haven't been off of it for more than a day at a time for months, all of my money goes to that or gas to get it. I've sold and pawned tons of mine and my family's possessions to get it. I've written tons of bad checks to get groceries and gas and other stuff, where my money would've and should've gone to in the first place..I do not feel anything from the adderall anymore, I can barely stay awake for an eight hour shift, I'm super irritated with everything and everyone. I've started isolating myself from friends and family. My husband and I nonstop fight everyday. It has made me a compulsive gambler.. Which I've since stopped. I'm lying and stealing and cheating and living really WRONG and feel the most guilt and shame I have ever felt in my life. I am a wreck and everyone can see it, I've gotten caught sleeping on the job, I lost my second job because I thought it was a better idea to skip work for a slot tournament. My husband is pretty much in the same spot as me, but it takes him much less time to come down and to get it out of his system.. In the past, when I have been without, I seriously slept for over a week.. I take way more now and I'm seriously freaking out about stopping it, but I absolutely have to. I have talked to my employer and let them know what the situation is and that I'm taking a medical leave of absence for an unknown amount of time to recover, my husband is going to let me come off of it then when I'm better, he's going to quit also. So my biggest concern right now is, do I do it like I WANT to and just quit it at home and sleep it off or do I go in to detox? Either way my plan is to get into treatment, an outpatient program as soon as I can function. So that's my story. Thanks for having this available!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perullo Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 Welcome to the Boards. I'm relatively new to this site as well, but based on my experience here and the posts that people have made, I've noticed that Addy users tend to fall into two archetypes: Casuals (people who take light to moderate doses and/or those who take what is perscribed) and Hardcores (people who take obscene amounts and/or has their lives completely out of control - partly because of Addy, but almost always because of other non-related issues). Based on your post, it sounds like you fit into the latter category. Now having said that, here's my disclaimer: Before quitting, I was a Casual. So I won't be able to give detailed advice on your situation. But I can give you some general pointers that everyone can benefit from. First off, congrats on decided to quit - this is a much bigger step than people give themselves credit for. But it sounds like you and your husband have some self control issues that you need to curbe as well, else your quit definitely won't stick. I hesitate to say "get professional help", because I know that at least in my case, "professional" help was the reason I started using to begin with. So I'd say an outpatient program is probably a good step for you. Also (and here's where I start losing some friends), read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Shut-Stop-Whining-Get-Life/dp/1118024516/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1406720325&sr=1-1&keywords=shut+up+stop+whining+and+get+a+life I read it myself, and it changed my whole perspective on life. Yes it's harsh, brash, rude and simple - so is life. If it weren't for this book I might have never actually taken the leap to quit myself. Next I would say that ideally, you and your husband should quit together. If one of you stays on the drug, it allows one to enable the other. Not that two people going through withdrawal really seems all that "ideal", but at least your chances of successfully detoxing will increase dramatically. Finally, stay with this site. Post every so often (see the 30 Day Challenge post especially). Read some articles. Show them to your husband. Gauge his interest a bit and see if he would want to get involved - we'd love to hear from him. This community has a lot of good people with varying degrees of Addy use/exposure and there's a lot to learn from here. Well, this is a bit more long-winded than my normal posts, but I hope you can glean some help from it. Welcome again, and Godspeed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 30, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 Thank you for your response and tips! I agree that I am now a hardcore user and that we should be quitting together.. Our reasoning for doing it separately was so that one of us could still work and take care of the kids.. But the more I think about it, I'll be coming down and there will be adderall in my house and that's just not going to work.. Duh! So I've since been in touch with some treatment facilities around my area and it sounds like the best thing for me to do is to be medically detoxed because of how much I am currently taking. I have not yet heard from my psychiatrist though. Her nurse called and was contacting her, but everywhere else I call they recommend talking to my psych and go from there.. So I'm just waiting on her. Also, my husband would never get involved in something like this. He told me this morning I need to stop looking all this stuff up, just quit the adds, sleep it off and cowboy up.. Yeah. He thinks this is mind over matter, and maybe for him it is. For some reason when he comes down it only takes a day or two and he's fine. Me on the other hand, can't function to take a shower or cook a meal for my family for over a week and now I've been taking so much more since I last came down, that I'm scared it's going to be even rougher for me.. He says to stop worrying and the mind is a powerful thing and I can't think that it's going to be bad or I will make it worse than what it really is.. I agree with that mostly, but don't think he understands that this effects me completely different than him. He also said I'm weak minded and I thanked him for the support.. I said there's no way I can do this at home if that how you're thinking and you expect me to get up and do stuff during this process.. I also told him I will go in to get help with this if I can't successfully do it at home. He wasn't too happy with that. :-( I also still haven't found anyone to cover my shift for tonight or tomorrow either, which means if I have to work, I will have to continue to take the adderall until I can be out of work for a significant amount of time.. I did write my employer explaining the whole situation and said I needed to take a medical leave of absence but since my supervisor is off today, I guess I am still responsible for covering my shift I'm assuming since my boss never contacted me.. I just thought I'd have more support to start this right away, but I'm finding that I need to work, we just moved a few days ago, so I have lots of unpacking to do, and of course everyday things that just need to be taken care of.. There's always going to be things that need to get done but now is the time I need to take care of me and break this vicious cycle!! No more excuses! Well hopefully I'll hear more from my psych and be able to go from there.. Thanks again for your advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 Good luck. Welcome to the board. I pray you find the peace you so desperately need. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 I wish you the best of luck with quitting. The first four months were the worst for me, then it started gradually getting a little easier. If your husband is going to continue taking it so he can work, can't he keep the pills at work? That way they won't be in your house. And if it gets over adderall in a day or two, why does he need it to work? If he's telling you to 'cowboy up', why can't he? Call him out on this bullshit. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orangefootballs Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 Im 9 days off the orange footballs myself. Ive been going to NA meetings. They help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 I was at 250mgs a day, also buying. I suggest going to NA meetings ASAP. If I'm correct u are unable to stay awake on the job without adderall for your energy. That isn't sustainable. This is a reality u have to deal with.its important that u understand that this --what is happening now --is not sustainable. I can't emphasize that enough. What does your gut tell u u need to do? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 I wish you the best of luck with quitting. The first four months were the worst for me, then it started gradually getting a little easier. If your husband is going to continue taking it so he can work, can't he keep the pills at work? That way they won't be in your house. And if it gets over adderall in a day or two, why does he need it to work? If he's telling you to 'cowboy up', why can't he? Call him out on this bullshit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Yeah Cassie, you make good points about keeping it at work and so forth.. I did eventually talk to my psychs nurse again and they are recommending detox.. Which I think is the best fit for me.. My husband has calmed down and admitted it is different for everyone and is OK with me going in now. But for real... He is the one that needs to cowboy up more than anyone usually!! This has nothing to do with being weak.. I do agree that you need to stay positive and not let negative thoughts take over but the whole withdrawal process has its grips over me.. When I come down, I cannot for the life of me, function in any way, shape, or form. No matter how much caffeine I consume or whatever... That does nothing for me when I'm withdrawing and I wish he'd realize that even though it seems so easy for him. I'm just really glad and relieved that I'm going in to do this safely and not at home with the chance of it being there. The problem I encountered today though was that I notified my boss, the owner and my supervisor of my situation and the severity of the problem. I told them I needed to most likely detox and I didn't know where that would be or how long it would take.. The owner had no response, my boss called me later today and left me a message saying there is nothing she can do for me unless I have a doctors note I would have to work tonight and tomorrow-third shift.. Mind you, I had just told her I absolutely need to stop the pills but need them to work and function but did not want to take them again so I wouldn't be able to work for awhile... So with that in mind she says basically, I don't care if you need to continue your addiction, do what you need to do to be to work tonight and tomorrow- irregardless of the state I'm in or anything... And I am the only employee on duty on third shift at a mentally ill/disabled adult group home.. That just blew my mind!! I for one, opened up to three people that I really didn't want to about a very shameful, embarrassing ordeal in my life and have been an employee here for 15 years... You'd think they'd have a little more compassion and understanding, but I guess not.. Anyways my psych wrote me letter that could've excused me for tonight's shift but I said I needed to work it as no one else could and to just start the leave of absence for tomorrow, which she did and wrote it for a week of absence as of right now. Other than that, I talked to my mom, my sister in laws, my older kids and some friends about my decision and everyone send to think this is a great idea.. In very excited for the future but super nervous, scared, and freaking out that I'm not going to have my dear friend Addy any more... I'll get through it though. Thanks for your post!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Im 9 days off the orange footballs myself. Ive been going to NA meetings. They help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Hello. Congrats on 9 days!! That's awesome! I have looked into my local NA meetings and will definitely be going, but I also plan on doing outpatient treatment.. I think it's necessary for my situation at this point. Keep up the hard work!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 I was at 250mgs a day, also buying. I suggest going to NA meetings ASAP. If I'm correct u are unable to stay awake on the job without adderall for your energy. That isn't sustainable. This is a reality u have to deal with.its important that u understand that this --what is happening now --is not sustainable. I can't emphasize that enough. What does your gut tell u u need to do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Thanks for your post.. I am fully aware of what is happening now and where I am at, I'm just in this phase of mourning I guess that it's not doing what I need it to do and causing all these heeping piles of shit for me and I think I'm seriously mourning the loss of Adderall...it terrifies me that I'm no longer going to have it. I never have felt this way until recently which is a big reason I saw red flags, along with many other signs that things were really bad. My gut tells me I'm at the end of my rope. This is all she wrote. It's time to quit and in order to do that I need extra help and support.. Ive come to the conclusion that I do need to detox away from home for my best chance at quitting. I was scared to do that at first but I now know it's the safest and most beneficial way to get this started. Thank you for your input, it's much appreciated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Good luck. Welcome to the board. I pray you find the peace you so desperately need. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aimee779 Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Zerokewl, thank you for your support.. It's greatly appreciated! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greg Posted August 1, 2014 Report Share Posted August 1, 2014 Thanks for your post.. I am fully aware of what is happening now and where I am at, I'm just in this phase of mourning I guess that it's not doing what I need it to do and causing all these heeping piles of shit for me and I think I'm seriously mourning the loss of Adderall...it terrifies me that I'm no longer going to have it. I never have felt this way until recently which is a big reason I saw red flags, along with many other signs that things were really bad. My gut tells me I'm at the end of my rope. This is all she wrote. It's time to quit and in order to do that I need extra help and support.. Ive come to the conclusion that I do need to detox away from home for my best chance at quitting. I was scared to do that at first but I now know it's the safest and most beneficial way to get this started. Thank you for your input, it's much appreciated! Detox sounds like a good option and outpatient care. Some people here have been through extensive adderall detox and you can probably find more on it if you search our forums. I did 1 week in detox and then outpatient therapy. Then I tried to get back to work, but the pressure of work made me relapse and I ended up almost going back to rehab but i ended up detoxing at home. I was in a coma-like sleep for a while, and when i was awake i was watching netflix. If i even wanted to consider working, it would have driven me back to adderall. If i wanted to put even the slightest pressure on myself, i knew i was putting myself in danger. So i had to do nothing. BUT Not everyone on this site that was the case People here have managed to quit and continue working and there is all types of advice on this site for that. I dont have too much experience in detox but i do remember going through it with all kinds of addicts from coke to heroin and alcohol and attending rehab classes. And having no energy without any adderall. Detox is an option you have and its worked for so many people get their lives back - rehab then outpatient with continuous NA meetings. Welcome to the boards. I hope you can take comfort in that so many people here have overcome the battle and continue to stay proactive against relapsing. -- for me to the point where the thought of adderall disgusts me now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheMist Posted August 4, 2014 Report Share Posted August 4, 2014 hi there Pal! wish you all luck! i'm sending you love and prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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