Relapse is part of addiction...

[olivia115]

Agh, I was sober for a little over 20 months until this summer. I had left my longtime boyfriend of 4 yrs a few months. We found out 20 months ago he was a sex addict and I was an adderalic. Hid  this from eachother for 2+ years while sharing an apt. We stayed together...addiction does funny things to your rationality huh?...I quit cold turkey, gave him my pills and they were flushed, scripts torn up, contact with psychiatrist cut off. My ex, he didn't fare as well. He relapsed in some pretty bad ways and I think this motivated me to stay sober. I dont know if was because I cared for him or because I didn't want to be like him, an addict. I didnt want to be in the same category as him, he was weak and i was strong. I was just "abusing" adderall,not addicted. I see now I am an addict just the same as he.

 

I had been single for a few months this year and starting dating a guy, walked into his bathroom and sitting right their on his counter is a bottle full of little blue pills. I panicked...then I did what any addict does. I took some. It was like coming home to your comfy bed after a long trip. Hugging your first love. I siphened off almost the whole bottle over the next few weeks, thinking it was subtle; not realizing he rarely took these pills himself; so he definitely noticed. He thought his roomate took them, and I lied through my teeth. He's out of the picture now and i went through 2 weeks of misery from the depressive state the adderall withdrawl enduced. I had forgotten those lows. I started strattera instead at my next doctors visit.

 

At my follow up appointment we were chatting and in the back of my head i knew i was going to find a way to manipulate this woman into giving me what i wanted. If she had never said the word stimulant in the visit i might've escaped, gotten my strattera filled and been doing well... but she did and it opened a can of worms of all the different kinds of stimulants and the ones i had been prescribed in the past. "Vyvanse? huh? Oh, Ive never actually tried that one before...weird., is it different?" etc etc. 30 min later i was walking out of cvs with my legal speed in my hand.  That was a week ago. I havent slept, unless i take ambien. i have to take double my clonazepam dose to control my benign hand tremors, and i've eaten almost nothing in a week. I have work in 4 hours and ill just keep taking it until i run out. yeah ill make a detailed calendar for rationing it, but i wont stick to it. and ill run out before next week. I have engagements almost every night for the next 2 weeks. I'm terrified of what's going to happen.

 

Maybe look at this as a cautionary tale...you can't give up on making your sobriety a priority. I need to seek more help this time. I need to go to meetings. Im scared to tell my psychiatrist. I'm worried about having that in my medical record. I have no idea how it limits you later in life....life insurance? custody battles? I need a new therapist. I need to take care of my mental health. If you're not doing this already then this is where you will land too. I'm not at a rock bottom, I dont want to reach rock bottom. I want to do this the right way because I am an addict and I can't do this on my own.

[Zerokewl]

Hey, 

Hey sorry to hear about all this. Relapses are horrible. It is not the end of the world. Just do a few things right now. 

 

-drink a smootie (Booster Juice whatever) you need food. 

-get some sleep might be a good day to call in sick

-take a large dose of vitamin C kills the high is something I heard once. 

- drink water lots you are dehydrated. 

 

Prepare to crash for a few days. You will be fine, just gonna need to ride this out. 

[hyper_critical]

Olivia,

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. "Rock bottom" is wherever you stop digging. 

 

Maybe think about taking your own advice and reaching out for help before this current spree takes you to a place you can't return from. I understand you have engagements and such, but as you said, "you can't give up on making your sobriety a priority."

 

With love,

 

H-C

 

 

I have engagements almost every night for the next 2 weeks. I'm terrified of what's going to happen.

 

Maybe look at this as a cautionary tale...you can't give up on making your sobriety a priority. I need to seek more help this time. I need to go to meetings. Im scared to tell my psychiatrist. I'm worried about having that in my medical record. I have no idea how it limits you later in life....life insurance? custody battles? I need a new therapist. I need to take care of my mental health. If you're not doing this already then this is where you will land too. I'm not at a rock bottom, I dont want to reach rock bottom. I want to do this the right way because I am an addict and I can't do this on my own.