Finally, People Who Understand

[KMBB]

Hey Everyone!!

 

My name is Kayla and I'm 21. My first taste of adderall was my junior year in high school, my friends and I bought 2 each from someone in school... I knew right away I never wanted that feeling to end. I lied to my parents to get my own perscription.. the doctor sent an evaluation to my teachers, I was furious leaving the doctor's office because I was a straight A, athlete, knowing I'd never get the approval for it.

I survived high school without and first semester of freshman year... as I was sitting in the libray it dawned on me I was 18 and could try my luck out again. The next day I held a bottle of blue pills in my hand, sitting where I am now and looking back, it amazes me I'd go weeks without taking the adderall.. I liked my naps inbetween classes a little bit too much. lol. At this point, I am dating the same guy who cussed me out junior year for trying adderall, and now here I am with a presciption... although never took it around him, had nothing but the happy adderall high side-effects while communicating with him, things spiraled downhill because "adderall is for lazy individuals who lack self motivation".  

Eventually, the relationship came to an end... and the partying began. Long story short, I found the guy who changed my whole life..

Already socially awkward, I was leading this guy along with no intentions of meeting him again. 2 weeks after that night and have talked to him everyday, I walked out of class to look up to see him waiting for his class.. which was the classroom I had just walked out of. Destiny, he came over that night and we stayed awake all night talking... that night is when my path to destruction began. I had never had anyone engage like that when I adderall was in my system.. and I couldn't get enough. We were inseperable at that point, me addied out. I began to offer him adderall and then began encouraging him take it more often... as we spent more time together, both on average doses of adderall.. tension began to build. I found myself refusing to go to sleep so I wouldn't waste the adderall in my system.. with now taking the orange pills, my bf occasionally taking them, I found myself running out early, panic began, I got away with it early for a while... After being turned down bc too early, I secretly knew I was/about to become an addict (in a joking way).. little did I know. I then forced my boyfriend to go to the doctor and get a prescription, best/worst idea of my life. Things began to escalade there for me, I refused to do anything without adderall, BF say/do something stupid- adderall, more netflix?- adderall, clean my room/car?- adderall.

Struggles arose quickly in the relationship, where we chose to take 4 days and shut off the world.. those four days ended up being spent in my room, a blanket over the window, and 120 30mg in attempt to escape reality and life in fantasy land together. I forced him (in a nice tone) to continuously pop pills and chewing them up like candy. 3 days passed before we looked at the time, and neither of us have any memory of half the time spent in there.

I recieved a phone call from my dad, who I was mad at and hadn't talked in 2 weeks, for dinner... I knew something was wrong. I dwelled and when it was time to go out there, several days of worrying and wide awake I talked myself out of going and ignored everyone's phone calls. Banging on my window at 2am was my mom

to tell me I had to go to my dad's, I walked in to my stepmom whisper "you should be ashamed of yourself" as I turn to see my dad curled up asleep on the couch.. I woke him up, for him to tell me he had been diagnosed with cancer, with a promise he wouldn't leave me. A few days later, he called for lunch.. and I told my sister I couldn't make it, mom showed up again to force my cracked out-self into reality... to learn 23 days later that was the last restaurant meal my father would have. Prior to chemo, we had a last family fishing day at our lake.. catching phenomunia and being admitted for one day treatment, I ditched out going to visit him there the first night... they were keeping him an extra night, was 3 hours late, my biggest fear in life sat in front of me, and constantly popped adderall.. returning home, learned BF's true selfish colors.. physically had to force him to leave. The next morning, the phone call "dad needs us" stopped me dead in my tracks, an hour away, and no concern whatsoever I couldn't miss anymore class without failing out.. false alarm, leaving tomorrow was the plan and he asked me to come back and get him... all day anytime he woke up, he'd ask where I was.. secret is, the next 6 days were spent inside that hospital. And this is where the adderall addiciton story begins.....

 

6 days, being the rock for my rock, making the no life support call, dad begging to go home and the "maybe tomorrow" lie told over and over.... I could feel stares, I could hear the gossip, the concerns of my denial... I had no emotions, fears or concerns. I had an adderall theory to live up to and took control, just as he would have done. Having no emotions and avoiding reality, I left everything unsaid. Showed up late to my dad's funeral... zoned out, I snapped back as ppl were standing for the exit, can't tell you anything was said.

I was back from my mini-vaca and back home, back to life... where I realized I failed out of all my classes and literally did not care about anything in life. Taking over 3/4 of the two bottles in a matter of 1-2 weeks, physical and emotional exhaustion was ignored by sleep meds or pain pills. Despising BF became the easiest thing in my life, parents still married, much older asking permission to ensure never being cut off... out of this became my biggest adderall delusion yet.

Plans to move in together had been mad, with empty promises from adderall and zero motivation to act on the well-planned fiary tale future. Asked him to quit his job to work with me at my family's shop, this being the first time publically social in months... the aggression and short anger fuse began accusations from family, quick to call me crazy and advise i seek help.. shortly after, I walked out on my job. It  got me questioning life and blaming my dad for leaving, adderall habit worsening as I sat in a dirty, unpacked house.. in search of a new place to start over, selling old stuff online to not show up or answer calls; my adderall fantasy along with a guy who reassured me "it'll all work out", was blinded by the real world. I knew we were two months behind on rent, he never cared to ask.. hide the first eviction notice, when faced with the cold hard truth of eviction.. we had 5 days to get our stuff out where I intended to move back home, and asked him to go back to his parents... 2 hours away. We spent the next 3 days laying in bed watching "just one more movie" and me crawling around tearing shit apart to find an adderall... Day 4 was prescription day, and found ourselves addied out camping at lake house on day 4, plans to return early Day 5 and move out.

Returning around 1 p.m on day 5, the locks had been changed.. Where had a day gone that we miss counted was the pondering question.. exhausted with life we got in the car and left, never contacting landlord regarding everything that remained, with lies it's in storage to others.

Both despising each other, the only way of it was an adderall plan... incapable of achieving any of the goals, picking arguments and running away.. just so I could be somewhere new, resorting in sleeping in the vehicle along with our two puppies for several days sometimes. Convinced my addy plans would be complete shortly, frustration levels peaked when BF's usuage stopped and he spent several hours talking on the phone to his mom... I knew I was crazy, I know he knew I was crazy, I knew nothing planned would be... Forced to be who and what was expected, I opened him to life where he could have opinions and dreams... Failing him and myself, all he had left to believe in was his mom. The day he left me outside for 2 hours while he sat in his truck on the phone with her, I lost my mind, asking him to take me home sitting in silence I became enraged.. on my knees yelling in his face, punching him and I snatched the wheel out of his hands. Parting ways, getting his stuff the next weekend, I followed him back to stay the night in a hotel with him in his home town... arriving home to lie to his parents, he came back shortly to recieve a phone call threatening him to come home, knowing he wouldn't leave after that I walked out pretending to leave to prove a point... I was standing alone to realize he wasn't staying, I left, he didn't call, and I found myself drunk on the side of the interstate.

GUESS WHAT? A month of the same psychosis, paranoid life... I convinced him to let me move near him... basically because I KNEW he was cheating on me with his ex. Falling in love with a 1,250 a month house... I found a job and made arrangments and signed the lease, well because duh I had an adderall plan. He left me the first night alone bc he had to be back home, his parents didn't know I was there... I knew he was poison in my fragile state; which is why he held my adderall in his hand over the toliet that night, and I knew then I would have killed him or myself at that very moment.

He left, I waited in a leased house for the remainder of my prescription, to wake up to my actual life and sugar and flower filled adderall life.

I moved back home, deafeated by the "i told you so" feeling... managed to work one job for a month and the other for a week, I could only function for a short period of time before zombie Kayla emerged and refused to leave my room, I spent much time sitting and writing at parks to avoid admitting I was defeated in life again.

 

I apoligze to anyone who read that, I just mostly needed to get my story out.. having no one to talk to about it, who fully understands anyways. Constantly living in a lie, with everyone convinved that turning myself in was the end. Little do they know, that was 8 months ago... and haven't missed a prescription refill, turning myself in as an addict who doesn't want to live shouldn't have walked into the same doctors office, different physician and had it in a matter of minutes. But I take my whole prescription within a week, having 3 weeks to return normal, and crack out again... So the violence and anger isn't present... I guess that's also because I mostly stay in my room. My mom and I relocated about 2 months, 3 hours away from my home town.. it has helped me cope with my issues and get a grip on things,I'm holding a job that I love and do not live in a completely disgusting home where I sit in my bed building my own fairy tale, instead I'm slowly developing habits to get stuff done, I spent right at 1.5 years planning my life away incapable of doing anything because my life plan wasn't completely planned out.

The words of how thankful I am to have come across this website are unreal and I've spent too much time rambaling, being we've all been in this position... I think it's clear how inspired I am and how many times explaining why I can't stop and why I love it and why I hate it now finally makes sense to somebody!

[mila490]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story with us! It sounds like you've been through a lot. It's great to hear that you're in a better situation with your mom now and that you have a job you love. I can 100% relate to all the plans made while on Adderall without actually following through on them. It was such a frustrating cycle. Glad you found this forum and look forward to hearing more from you!

[Drinkgreentes]

Adderall makes life falsely enjoyable that Is one aspect that is potently addicting. This feeling only increases with the increase in dosage. This forum is very therapeutic so it's good for venting such as this. It's sad to hear that someone my age has had such a tough run around.. It makes me glad I got off it when I did and I didn't have suffer like you have. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Drink green tea it will make you feel better.

[MiamiBobby]

Not sure if this is the forum to share my story, but Kayla I'm also around your age, so here we go:

I'm a 26-year-old young professional who's been taking adderall for 6 years, habitually the last 3 years. I get prescribed 90 x 20mg IRs a month and usually kill the entire script in roughly 10-12 days. I really started taking it to get into a Masters program, then to get an accounting job, and now to finish the CPA exam, and guess what, I don't even like the damn profession or career field! Adderall just turned me into an emotionless machine to pursue an "acceptable career" that I can't stand when I'm sober. I rather be the less well-off happy-go-lucky bartender I used to be before I really got crankin on adderall.

Anyways, I'm about to begin Day 1 going cold turkey on weekdays and weaning off to about 40mgs during the week. To some that's a lot, to me that's about 1/5 what I've been taking. To wean off completely I'm dropping off the remainder of my pills to my younger brother to administer to me daily, embarrassing? Yes. But we all know I have the self-control of any other addict. I also got off the phone with my mom, came clean, couldn't take the zombie/emotionless/passionless person I've become, and you know what, it helped. Did she freak? Yea a little, she'd sell a kidney to put me through rehab if I let her, but how selfish of me would that be..

So..I'm starting tomorrow, it's gonna be a bitch, and I'm just happy im not alone in this. I'm 6'0", in great shape, educated, and have the mental toughness of my 4 year old nephew.. this drug has not been the answer to my prayers that I thought it'd be.

Also going to my first NA (narcotics anonymous)'meeting tomorrow night. I've been told I look like an Abercrombie/athlete model (but apparently lots of adderallics strive to be attractive due to our insecurities) so it's gonna awkward as hell walking into a church full of junkies crying about my problems... I'll let you know if it's of any help.

good luck Kayla, good luck all

[TheMist]

hi first, thank you for sharing your story. i admire your courage truly, for me, you are a inspiration

[Brandy76]

 it has helped me cope with my issues and get a grip on things,I'm holding a job that I love and do not live in a completely disgusting home where I sit in my bed building my own fairy tale, instead I'm slowly developing habits to get stuff done, I spent right at 1.5 years planning my life away incapable of doing anything because my life plan wasn't completely planned out.

 

This statement really hit home. how adderall makes you have these grandiose plans, but that's all they are is plans/thoughts. Once the addy wears off you can't even comprehend those grandiose plans

[Brandy76]

Not sure if this is the forum to share my story, but Kayla I'm also around your age, so here we go:

I'm a 26-year-old young professional who's been taking adderall for 6 years, habitually the last 3 years. I get prescribed 90 x 20mg IRs a month and usually kill the entire script in roughly 10-12 days. I really started taking it to get into a Masters program, then to get an accounting job, and now to finish the CPA exam, and guess what, I don't even like the damn profession or career field! Adderall just turned me into an emotionless machine to pursue an "acceptable career" that I can't stand when I'm sober. I rather be the less well-off happy-go-lucky bartender I used to be before I really got crankin on adderall.

Anyways, I'm about to begin Day 1 going cold turkey on weekdays and weaning off to about 40mgs during the week. To some that's a lot, to me that's about 1/5 what I've been taking. To wean off completely I'm dropping off the remainder of my pills to my younger brother to administer to me daily, embarrassing? Yes. But we all know I have the self-control of any other addict. I also got off the phone with my mom, came clean, couldn't take the zombie/emotionless/passionless person I've become, and you know what, it helped. Did she freak? Yea a little, she'd sell a kidney to put me through rehab if I let her, but how selfish of me would that be..

So..I'm starting tomorrow, it's gonna be a bitch, and I'm just happy im not alone in this. I'm 6'0", in great shape, educated, and have the mental toughness of my 4 year old nephew.. this drug has not been the answer to my prayers that I thought it'd be.

Also going to my first NA (narcotics anonymous)'meeting tomorrow night. I've been told I look like an Abercrombie/athlete model (but apparently lots of adderallics strive to be attractive due to our insecurities) so it's gonna awkward as hell walking into a church full of junkies crying about my problems... I'll let you know if it's of any help.

good luck Kayla, good luck all

 

so agree how narcissitic this drug has made me, yes i'm nice and skinny and at my prettiest but inside, like you said I'm an emotionless zombie. I have zero interest in anyone's life or problems even my own family, I've ditched plans with, avoided calls because frankly I just don't care to hear what problems they have.  I guess that's the part of the drug that makes us not have any friends lol

 

like you I've been fearful of attempting to go to one of those meetings, because I"m envisioning celebrity rehab looking junkies & here I am in the pageant world all about image

[Sepiroth]

There are times our lives paved with dark, but no matter what happen, everything will be sure okay