dangerbean Posted October 22, 2014 Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 I'm just past day thirty...i think. I'm not really sure because the way I chose to quit was to burn through a script--going out in a "blaze of glory" then not take my new script. I'm not sure how early i burned through my previous script. Anyway....I have gained about 22lbs. I am also really depressed, and suffering from lots of anxiety. I keep looking at the bottle of pills I have and thinking how easy it would be....I am struggling at work, struggling at home, struggling in the car. I don't know... my body hurts. Did anyone else feel bloated and like their joints ached afterwards? it seems like yummy junk food and trashy tv is all that gets me by one day to the next. I force myself to exercise but it too is so much more challenging that it has ever been in my entire life. It's so scary to feel like I"m starting off worse than I was before I even turned to adderall. I am self employed...which is a blessing and a curse in this case. Blessing because I have some flexibility and I cannot be fired for being less productive than usual. But it's a curse too because it's so easy to just keep procrastinating in the hopes that one day I will wake up with the energy, motivation, and focus to do my work again. Of course, I just keep leaving early and coming in late (if i come in at all lately). Does anyone have any suggestions to help me with this stuff? I am so close to giving up on sobriety....although i hate the idea of being a speedy zombie again....i know that seems like an oxymoron, but honestly, on adderall, i felt like my mind was on fast forward while my body was on pause. I feel like I need help, but I don't know where to get it from. Before I quit I told my doctor i wanted to stop taking it, hoping he'd help me with a step down approach...instead he said he felt i was self-sabotaging. My boyfriend is hardly around and has absolutely zero context of understanding what this is like anyway (that's more complicated). I set out today with the goal of doing three things at work. right now...i'm posting on this forum just to be at my office...maybe i just do one of those three.....here goes!!! I'll update when task number 1 is done. if it's less than an hour, then maybe i'll move on to task number two..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangerbean Posted October 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 okay...made it through one task...grudgingly. am going home now. tomorrow i will see if i can make it through two tasks...heh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassie Posted October 22, 2014 Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hey dangerbean, You have to drastically lower your expections of yourself. I barely did anything at work for the first few months. Set a goal to do one task a day. Low expectations are key. Thinking you will have motivation this soon off speed will lead to relapse, as will keeping pills around. You should read all the articles and posts on this site to get an idea of what to expect. Mainly, get used to being fat and useless during the first several months sober. These are the dues you pay for unnaturally speeding up your brain and body for an extended period of time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mila490 Posted October 22, 2014 Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 Hey dangerbean, You have to drastically lower your expections of yourself. I barely did anything at work for the first few months. Set a goal to do one task a day. Low expectations are key. Thinking you will have motivation this soon off speed will lead to relapse, as will keeping pills around. You should read all the articles and posts on this site to get an idea of what to expect. Mainly, get used to being fat and useless during the first several months sober. These are the dues you pay for unnaturally speeding up your brain and body for an extended period of time. Appreciate your realism, Cassie. I've found this to be very true. I used to be a two-a-day athlete, but I haven't exercised in weeks (75 days free). I'm just not at the point where I can do much else besides go to work. I was a zombie at work for a few weeks, but I still have my job and am not worried about losing it. I was careful to not overextend myself socially after quitting. I haven't had much desire to go out since I've gained weight. I also didn't want to add alcohol into the mix with feeling depressed and majorly lacking confidence after quitting. Now I have more desire to be social, but I find myself quickly fatigued. It's a balance. Getting enough sleep is huge. I can barely function without 8 hours of sleep when I used to get by on 5-6 hours. I think restorative, healing sleep is a big piece of recovery. You can't cheat nature the way you felt you could on adderall. I tried to rush recovery every other time I tried to quit and I failed each time after getting frustrated with myself. The only reason it's sticking this time is because I let myself slow down. I'm frustrated that I haven't been exercising, taking as many trips, or galavanting as often with my friends, but the accomplished feeling I have from kicking my dependency is far, far greater than my frustration. Be patient with yourself and don't forget why you started. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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