another bad day...?

[dangerbean]

and it's only 7a.m.  I'm wondering if I'm really ready for this.  on the other hand--I'm not sure there will ever be a better time.  I thought working for myself would be a boon in thiis because i'd be able to take things slowly, but now i'm wondering if it would be better for me to be in a position where I had no choice but to go into work monday-friday, 9-5.  maybe i'm letting depression overcome me, and wouldn't if i had someone else to be accountable to. it jsut feels like most days are bad.  i feeel no motivation, inspiration or drive to do anything.  none of this is helped by the fact that i'm getting over a flu.  i was hoping to be 100% by now, but i'm still coughing at night to the point where it wakes (and keeps) me up, so i'm not functioning on enough sleep.  I was really hoping i could start the work week feeling physically well at least.  but feeling sick still just leaves me wanting to stay in bed all that much more.  sadly i have at least one appiontment i cannot skip/reschedule.

 

can someone out there please tell me it gets easier at some point...at some point the bad days are outnumbered by good--or just breaking even--days???

[dangerbean]

but at least my kitty just hopped up onto the bed, curled up and started purring.  there's nothing like creature comfort.

[Cassie]

I was a mess working off Adderall for the first year or so, and my job was really lax as well. I had to physically go to work every day, but I barely did anything and had no motivation (the first 6 months was the worst, then it gradually got easier). I had no oversight or deadlines (I was the boss), which made things really difficult. I felt better when I got a new job after 18 months that was more fast paced, micromanaged and deadline oriented. A job that didn't require abstract thinking/planning and gave me very clearly defined goals (and I was also very overqualified for).

 

Now that I'm off Adderall for 3 years, I'm back in a job just like the lack-of-oversight one I had for the first 18 months sober, but it feels totally different now. I have the self motivation to do all the things I need to do, and I love being in control of my own job. Weirdly, I now have days here and there where I feel like I'm on Adderall. I'm all amped up, super focused, anxious, and obsessively think. I hate it. I hate those ruminating, obsessive thought patterns you get when you're sped up, and the feeling that everything is a life or death situation, no matter how minute in the grand scheme of things. I'm so over that anxious, manic feeling of self-importance. 

 

It takes a ton of time for self motivation to return (years for me), so you have to rely on fear motivation in the interim to get work done. Find someone you can be accountable to for work if you don't have anyone, or have consequences for not working. Fear of getting fired/losing my income/being homeless, etc. kept me going. You need to pull fear from somewhere because you won't have inner drive to motivate you. Unless you have the ability to not work for a while, then holy shit, do that and save yourself the mental anguish. But, most people don't have that luxury.

 

Another thing is, the grass is always greener. When you're first getting sober, everything sucks. If I'd had a job with more accountability in the beginning, I would have been wishing I could slack off more because I was so tired and unmotivated all the time. I would have had anxiety about getting fired every day. You'll always be wishing for a magical scenario which makes being off adderall less uncomfortable, but it sucks getting clean regardless. You just have to muddle through the first year, or two, or three, until your work habits are as they should be. 

[dangerbean]

thanks, Cassie--you're 100% right--the grass is always greener.  I'd be belly aching about losing my job if I HAD to be accountable.  the truth is, i'm probably in a much sweeter position for quitting adderall than most people because i work for myself, but if i lost all my business, it wouldn't be the end of the world.  i wouldn't starve or go homeless, or suffer too many financial things.  but i want to keep working.  i have a life goal that is dependent on finances and i have been working hard for years to meet that goal and I am very close now.  it would be heartbreaking not to make that goal because i gave up working.  Part of that goal entails me changing my profession and moving.  I'm planning on taking an entry level job in a new field that i am probably overqualified for.  it will be good, but you're right in that i should probably take it easy while i have that luxury right now--i just don't want all my work to dry up.  I just like knowing that i need to go into work 2-3 times a week, but I can choose when those days are and how long that I"m there.....if that makes sense.