addicted?

[liv21]

Hi,

I started taking adderall when I was fourteen. I got a prescription from my doc... but I was never diagnosed with ADD until this past summer (I am seventeen now) in order to register for extra time on the SAT. Anyways, after reading Tim's insightful commentary about the distinction between "stimulating" and "over-stimulating" I have come to the realization that I, like the rest of us, fall under the "over-stimulated" category. I am the daughter of two successful parents who put great pressure on me to succeed (sound familiar?) and my B+s in middle school, along with noted "impulsivity" and "distractibility" (please... find me a 13 year old girl who ISN'T impulsive or distractible) were not pleasing to them. And so I was introduced into the world of little blue pills.

I am embarrassed to admit that I have a history of substance abuse of both alcohol and benzos, and I felt my, as shrinks like to coin it "addictive thought patterns" kick in the second I started taking adderall. Here is my problem: The straight As which I have now become used to earning seem to be the product of the adderall not me. In fact, I am totally depressed, I can't get out of bed, have zero motivation when I am not on them. But I always need to take double or triple my dose in order to actually write a paper. Although I was in denial for a year, I now see that I have become dependent on them. My roommate is starting to get really pissed at me for snorting them at night; I lie to my doctor, I lie to my family, I lie to my friends, and I hate myself for my lies. To my disgust, I am very manipulative, and easily control what my dosage is.

When I first took them I felt like I was on top of the fucking world; I could have walked up to Obama and had an hour long talk with him about his policies and been quite confident. I didn't know that the intense euphoria was not normal, quite naive I know. But now, the "up" as I like to call it, has gone from amazing, to productive, to causing aches and pains and feeling shitty 24'7 unless I am on them. I weighed 114 lbs. when I was 14, now I turn 18 in a month and weigh 100 lbs. If I thought I had minor problems with focus and motivation before, my problems now when off the pill seem to have been multiplied by 10... it is like I have a cloud over my brain, thinking takes "too much energy" I can't fucking remember anything, I eat non-stop.

Last year I would have told you the grades/ college I will get in to will make it all worth it. But now... I'm sick of blue boogers haha. But really, I want to feel healthy, get sleep, eat, and be happy without speed. But me minus speed is.... a zombie. Part of me wants to quit, but part of me is horrified to.

Am I addicted?

sorry for the long post, procrastinating on an economics paper

-Liv

[jason]

Am I addicted?

Liv,

I think you know the answer to this question. It's hard to come to the conclusion that your an addict...but, it's easier to deal with the addiction once you admit to yourself that you are. Don't be embarassed about your history of substance abuse, I have the exact same history with both of those substances (alcohol/benzos.). For me, it was a matter of escaping the anxiety and depression I experience daily. It may not be the same for you, but no matter what; your'e in a "community" of other people who use and abuse...you won't be judged here.

The euphoria is great...but it's not really worth it. Your brain and body can only handle being abused for so long before it's just a matter of time whereas, it can't take it anymore. Your feeling so shitty because you've pretty much depleted your health for too long. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel (well...felt).

I was on the addies for more than 8(?) years. I felt wonderful for such a long time...but then it just became a matter of survival. I would have to take it to just get out of bed, then to just keep myself awake until the inevitable crash at the end of the day. No longer was there the great euphoria effect, rather, it was just "trying to survive another day" horrible feeling.

It's been a while since you posted, and I apologize for not giving my input earlier than this. I was struggling with coming off the pills for over a month, but it's been 2 weeks since I popped my last little quarter of a 30mg tab, and life is getting easier everyday without it.

I'm not gonna lie...it's hard to come off such a powerful little pill...but at your age, you've got every reason in the world to stop now:)

[Kris]

Hello Liv,

Please quit. For the first couple of years that I took adderall, I was a huge advocate of it. Now, I don't know what I was thinking. It is very scarey to think of being without it, I know. The longer you are on it, the worse it will be. There are tons of ways to manage ADD without chemicals. It's more work than taking a pill, but worth it. The pills are not making you anything you aren't already. You are smart and capable.