I'm suicidal but a little bit of writing alleviates things, somewhat.

[FadingFast]

I wrote something for my family, relatives, friends, but I have no intention of sending it.  I apologize if it is all a bit jumbled up and incoherent.  I am still in the midst of my own spiral.   Maybe if and when I truly succumb to this addiction, someone who knows me in real life can stumble upon this, if ever that happens.

 

 

 

Buried Underneath a Layer of Dusty Lies on a Table

 

by FadingFast

 

 

 

I am sorry.  I know my words do not mean much, as I have hurt way too many people close to me with my words, my actions and inactions, my decisions and indecisions, and as one person simply put it, my “own fuck ups.†  I wish I could explain to you all about why I am the way I am and why I do the things I have done and have continued to do so, but I have nothing at all that I can express into words to show everyone I have hurt how much remorse and guilt and sorrow and pain and loneliness I have inside of me.  I do not know if any of that makes any sort of sense, and I apologize if these words I have written so far seem all-too self-serving, but I assure you with all of my heart and whatever is left of the credibility in myself – the remaining truths covered in thick layers of dusty lies – that I am sorry.  I do not know if ever I am allowed to reclaim and reestablish the relationships that I once shared with any of you.   I want that back so bad.  I want to be me again, so bad.   I want to be happy again.  So bad.  

 

 

In this pathetic, lonely, dark, worthless and self-centered world that I live in, I want anyone who still cares to know that you have done nothing wrong whatsoever on your part.  And whatever choice you have made for yourself in order to protect yourself from this piece-of-shit loser you once called a friend, brother, uncle, cousin, son, is the right choice.  I would cut myself off as well.  I do not want to use the word “abandon†for that word in itself is misleading.  No one has abandoned me.  I, have abandoned myself.  If ever there is a way out of this, I will have to find it myself.  Maybe I am already aware of a way out of this, but the unloving soul of mine is too consumed in its own misery and despair that it cares not to ever return to who I once was – friend, brother, uncle, cousin, son.  

 

 

At this point, I do not know if this is even the real me typing these thoughts and these words out onto this monitor.  It could be the devil known as addiction that is putting it all out there.  Having realized that right now, at this particular moment and shaky state of mind I am in, maybe I should take back what I had earlier said about being sorry and being remorseful.   I can understand why anyone would ever want to believe anything I have to say.  I mean, how many times have I said that, right?  The fault lies on no one else but myself.  I guess the only truth to what I am attempting to express here is that when all of this dust and layers of lies and deceit that has settled on top of the table that we once shared and laughed and cried and experienced the good and the happiness with each other, you will find that the words I have once written on that same table -- the words “I love you†-- has never faded away.   It has never done so, nor will it ever fade away.  Please know that.   Please understand that.  Please realize that that is the only truth that I can give you right now.  

 

 

 

Now the question of “how can this idiot have the audacity to try and express love to others when in truth he does not even know what love is or how to love himself enough, to get back to our good graces – to get back to this table?† Fair.  But love can never be underestimated.  Nor can it ever be lost.  One just has to dig deep within himself/herself in order to find himself back to that table you’re all still sitting at and sharing your happy lives together with each other.   Right now, from where I stand, on the outside, I still see you all.   I miss that so much.  I want to come in.  I am ready to come in.  It is cold and dreary and lonely out here by myself.   I just hope there is still an empty chair left for me to sit in and join everyone around that table.  

[IMSTAS]

Hello. Every so often I go back to this site for inspiration from others, to remember where I came from and to try to lend a fellow sufferer some much needed hope because I know what it feels like to be at the point where you hate yourself. You're sure you will never be able to quit this drug and have just about come to accept the reality that your dependence and addiction are most likely going to kill you in the near future and that almost seems preferable. I saw that you just posted your message and even though it's about 1:30 AM, I wanted to send you some sort of reply so you know that your are not alone and to hang in there because I plan to put together a more cohesive response as to my experience but it is late so it will have to wait till tomorrow. If you are anything like I was then you will likely see the is message this evening because you'll either be up for a few more hours or perhaps you won't sleep at all. I will leave you with this before tomorrow-I think your at a good point in your addiction to be ready to end it. Self-loathing and anger about who I've become and what I have, or worse, have not done was the spark that helped ignite my resolve to stop relying on 300+ milligrams every day to give me the ability to make it out of bed and live another day of my isolated and lonely life.

Like I said, I will send a more thorough reply tomorrow but wanted to reach out to you before then because you can't let this kill you. If you really feel suicidal tonight, talk to someone about it. I know you feel that you've lost everyone close to you but even if they are not thrilled with who you've become as of late, they still love you and may understand you a little better if they knew the chaos, fear, anger and loneliness you feel inside.

[IMSTAS]

Hello again. I apologize for not sending a message the next day. I realized I wrote more than I had originally thought but I still wanted to follow up my last response.

I'll share with you some of my story. My stimulant use began with one 70mg vyvanse daily and, over time, I moved on to a few doses of either dextroamphetamine or adderall daily. During the last 2 years or so of my 7 years of use I was taking 320-400mg every day and even that was no longer cutting it. I hated what I had become on that crap. I isolated myself, i barely left my house, rarely talked to or spent time with my family and none at all with friends because I always had to "get stuff done." The worst part of this was that I became too busy for my little boy. I rarely slept and as those around me put it- I basically lived the life of a vampire. And even though I spent years constantly getting things done, ironically I accomplished nothing. I had started taking the medication because I really do have ADHD but as my dosage increased, my symptoms worsened and I jumped from task to task from idea to idea. Eventually I went from "getting things done" to living a life that basically evolved around adderall. Since my prescriptions typically only lasted for about a week, I was already developing a plan to obtain more about 3 days after I refilled. My lies and scheming helped me maintain this dosage pretty consistently for almost 2 years but I had eventually exhausted every trick in the book as well as my monetary funds so I began facing more frequent and longer durations of time without any meds. Withdrawal was like living death, like being in a coma. I could not live without it though and I assumed that I would very prematurely die because of this crap-I almost welcomed it.

I'll skip ahead to when I lost one of my key sources for adderall and/or dex. Prescription laws changed so I would have to become accustomed to a regular dosage of I think 80mg a day. I tried my best but the farthest I could stretch a prescription was about 10-12 days and it was torture. My brain could not function on this amount. For awhile I still managed to get an earlier prescription but that came to an end when my excuses came to an end and just before thanksgiving 2013, I was in for an over 2 week period of time without meds. Needless to say, I was terrified. I knew what hell withdrawal was but I finally decided that it was time to take back control of my life. What was I going to do-go through withdrawal and put my life on hold for 2 weeks, refill, run out in less than 2 weeks again, go through withdrawal for 2 more weeks in an endless cycle of torture?

At that point I came clean with my family and even my son because I knew I needed to be able to work through my withdrawal without having to field questions as to why I have dropped off the face of the earth or why I slept all day. I didn't go in to detail as to how badly I was abusing this medication. I just said I've been taking a medication for some time now and I don't like how it's affected my life over the last few years. I'm going to quit but be warned that it is not going to be easy and that they need to be patient with me. To not call constantly to make sure I'm alright. I assured them that I will eventually be all right but it's going to take time and worrying about returning calls will only make it more stressful.

I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. It was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever had to do though I've read about the experiences of others who have quit and for some, the process was much quicker. I will tell you this. I have hope now where before there was none. I can wake up everyday without pills and live my life with a clear mind. I sleep like a normal human being though I won't lie, I do still like to stay up a bit later when I can-I've always been a night person! But best of all is that I am present and available for my now 11 year old son. I'm still a work in progress even two years later but progress means I'm working toward a future. A future that up until recently did not really exist for me.

As I said in my last message-if you have had enough of being controlled by your dependence on stimulants then you can successfully quit. It's sounds like you have family and friends available to you but you just need to share with them some of what your going through and ask them to simply support your recovery.

I'd love to hear how your doing and will check back on this discussion for any updates. If you have any other questions, I'd try my best to answer them so question away.

Best of luck to you and hopefully we'll hear more from you on this site in the near future