I ran out so I might be lying that I want to quit

[heretoday]

I ran out of my prescription yesterday so, like many times before, I have to wait awhile to refill. It's when I run out that there's sort of sudden onset of reality where I realize that Adderral has made a wreckage of my life.

 

While on Adderall I have tremendous drive to learn new skills, which seems like a good thing. I've been able to breakthrough the lack of persistence barrier that's blocked me from learning something new that would be useful to my career or a skill I've always wanted to learn for fun.

 

The problem is that I'll neglect everything else in the process, including human interaction. I'll intentionally socially isolate myself so I can get things done, pull all nighters, and even neglect basics like brushing my teeth thoroughly.

 

I don't think it's just because of Adderral as there were other incompatibilities but I lost my partner. We have a child together and while I do spend time with him every week, she shoulders most of the day-to-day responsibility of parenting.

 

Sometimes when I am with my son, all I can think about is getting through the day so I can get back to some project or another. I'm not there in the moment but just sort of going through the motions, counting the hours like it was a job.

 

A few years ago, I lost most of my social circle, so I don't have many friends. I work from home so I spend a massive amount of time alone. When I'm on an Adderral binge, I'll avoid social opportunities, decline invites, and even actively avoid contact with other human beings. Needless to say that actively avoiding social interaction further contracts one's social life. When I'm on Adderral I tell myself this is a good thing because I need to focus and social activities would be a waste of Adderal.

 

When I do socialize I'll often feel impatient, interrupting frequently, talking either too much or, paradoxically, talking too little.

 

I sometimes go for days without leaving the house, almost all of that time in front of a computer, scrounging for whatever food is left, ordering out. Then I get to the point where I feel so ragged from my binge that I'm ashamed to even go to the grocery store.

 

But most of the time, I'm so absorbed in working or learning x or y that I completely forget about my problems. I don't feel lonely, instead I feel people in my life would just slow me down from learning what I need to learn.

 

Then I run out of Adderral, looking up to notice that my shades are drawn, realizing that I've not had a real conversation with an adult in weeks, and that that I don't know what to do with myself. I have no desire to continue with with the projects I was working on while on Adderral. This feeling of isolation and despair descends on me.

 

The first step would be to get my act together, building a life, repairing relationships (though some are probably beyond repair), and restarting the outdoor activities I used to have so much passion for. I should go for a hike, no a run, no I should get some weed as that helps with the crash. No, I should reach out to a friend as we had intended to make plans to hang out. But I've done nothing today. Nothing at all.

 

I then say to myself this is my chance to quit Adderral. It's ruined your life and you're a better person when you're off it. It's obvious. Even during these low points between refills,  my relations with my ex go better, I feel more connected to my son, I even exercise more. This will likely start today as I will eventually get the motivation to get outside at some point.

 

I should quit, I say to myself.

 

Then the work week will start and I will struggle to get out of bed, I'll struggle to work. The self talk will eventually start going the other direction. Look at all that you were able to accomplish on Adderral. Everyone is on it so you won't be able to keep up in your work, not so much this job but building the skills for the next job. It's a performance enhancer and you need that. I talk myself out of quitting then it gets to the point where I'm counting down days until i can refill my prescription.

 

Then that glorious day finally arrives and I forget all about wanting to quit. This time it'll be different. My prescription is a large dose so I'll take only the prescribed dose. Better yet, I'll take less than the prescribed dose. Yeah, that's it, I'll take just a little bit each day this time.

 

But the thing is as low as I feel during the time between prescription refills, my life is actually better. I'm more likable, calmer, more socially skilled, and MUCH more balanced in how I spend my time. I don't stay up all night. I do exercise during the times between refills.

 

I want to quit so badly but I've wanted to quit so badly before but it's never stood up to prescription refill day (the soonest possible day I can refill). Prescription refill day looms ahead once again and I fear my resolve will collapse once again. 

 

I'm not sure why I wrote this post here because I'm not sure there's anything anybody could say to me that would change this pattern. It does have to come from within but I'm afraid I don't have it. I hope there is something someone could say that would help me find the will to quit but I fear that there isn't a way out of this maze.

[Bubbagump99]

Just do it and quit. I'm in the early stages of tapering off. You need to tell your dr you want to quit, or just flush your pills. You can't have access to them.

Stop thinking so much and just do it. I really think you (and I) would be so much happier in the longrun without this crap. I've used for almost 9years. somedays I feel like I'll never be normal again.. but u know what? The time is gonna pass anyways, so why not do it and help yourself?

[heretoday]

Just do it and quit. I'm in the early stages of tapering off. You need to tell your dr you want to quit, or just flush your pills. You can't have access to them.

Stop thinking so much and just do it. I really think you (and I) would be so much happier in the longrun without this crap. I've used for almost 9years. somedays I feel like I'll never be normal again.. but u know what? The time is gonna pass anyways, so why not do it and help yourself?

 

Since I'm coming down for a hard landing I can barely muster the energy to reply to this but there's absolutely no doubt in my mind that, for me , you, and probably anyone reading this, this stuff causes far more damage than good. No contest.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Here Today!

 

I have good news for you!  There is a way out of the maze and you are already out of it!!!  The solution is easy.  You just stay out of that maze permanently moving forward.  If you take that bite of cheese again, it will trap you and keep you stuck.  

 

Let's come up with an alternative plan.  Like Smhjen mentioned above, just DO IT!!!  Call the doctor and tell them. Rip the band aid off and just start moving forward.  Imagine you have two roads.  You can walk down the road that will lead you to the maze and walk right back in.  You already know what's waiting for you inside.  It's a vicious cycle of highs and lows, isolation, and your own self imposed prison.

 

OR imagine yourself discovering a NEW road and taking it instead.  At the end of this road there is an abundant life waiting for you of WHATEVER YOU WANT.  You can work on getting all those things back you mentioned above and still doing a decent job at work.  And who knows...maybe you'll surprise yourself by what you can actually achieve without it.  Tell yourself you are just as capable without it and it was smoke and mirrors anyhow holding you back anyhow.  It has been destroying the rest of your life like you said.  We should think of our lives like a pie wheel and each section is just a small piece of overall life satisfaction.  If say, you are spending all your time in your "career" section to the exclusion of 4 or 5 other sections, then how is it beneficial again?  You see how the argument and justifications you tell yourself when work starts are all really a bunch of crap.  You can still have a good/decent career without it.  And imagine how much better you'll feel when you are rested, exercising, feeling good about your friendships/loved ones/family, at the beginning of your workday.  Try to set goals in the other areas of your life that have nothing to do with work and getting ahead and see how your overall sense of well being begins to feel good again.  

 

It doesn't happen over night and it's definitely a process, but I swear to you it's worth it.  It'll be worth it when you have your life back and your brain is not addicted to this destructive poison that is sabotaging the REST of your life.  

 

Just remember you have the choice to end this right now.  Stay out of the trap and you won't be trapped any longer.  Fly free my friend!! lol  I"m dead serious.  You CAN do it!!

 

All the best!

[quit-once]

^^What she just said.^^

 

Mice get caught in traps because they eat the cheese.  This cheese is poison.

Rats get stuck in a maze because they are not smart enough to figure it out.  They wear themselves out trying to escape the maze.  You are smarter than a rat.

 

Don't become a rodent robot again.  Just stay off the adderall, suffer through your recovery, and you will emerge as a stronger and healthier person in a few months.