Lost hope that I will ever quit.

[Quentin]

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum. I am 48 and have been using (abusing) Adderall for the past ten or so years. It was given to me for energy because I suffer from extreme fatigue and I despise the day I ever took that first one. Over the years they have ruined my health, physically and mentally and I stay scared that I'm going to have a stroke if I don't quit them. My sister holds on to them, so I don't OD and I take 3-6 20mg. tabs a day. The longest I have went without them is about two weeks and just when I start feeling a bit better, it's time for my refill and I fold so quickly. I also have suffered from severe depression all my life and although the Adderall helps that just a bit, they make the depression a hell of a lot worse. I live alone and have a whole lot of time on my hands, so I just take the Adderall and watch TV all day. They no longer give me any energy or motivation, I can't think straight anymore and I've lost hope that I can ever stay off of them. Hell, I have lost hope in life, the Adderall have taken something from me long ago and I'm just not the person I once was. I also use Vicotin and Xanax to bring me down at night. I am at a point in my life that I either stop all the drugs or just end it all (life). I just want to be happy, grateful and content as I once was. I am going to spend some time on this site reading everyone's posts and maybe some hope that I can stop taking the Adderall and other drugs may return in me...Thanks for letting me vent and any advice would be very helpful.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Quentin,

 

Welcome to the site.  I'm glad you found us!  You sound like you are at a breaking point and I pray you will find the strength deep within yourself to overcome.  You really can do it.  I think it's really great that you recognize there is no benefit to this drug and all it's doing is destroying your well being and happiness in life.  

 

I've experienced a lot of ups and downs over the course of my life with on/off sobriety.  I look back now at the last year of my adderall stint (the 6th year) and see that is was by far the absolute worst year of my life.  I had gotten to a point of being messed up 24/7.  I'd take adderall all day long, then come home and drink/smoke pot every night.  I had never been so depressed in my life.  I swore the booze/adderall/pot were the only things that made me happy, but it wasn't until after I got sober I realized how severely depressed I was because of the booze/adderall/pot.  I view them now as nothing but poison and have no more desire to live that way today. It has taken me a long time to get to this place in my life, but I am here and I can promise you that life is so much better without them!!  Once you wean yourself off all these chemicals and start treating yourself well, you will start feeling better in every way possible.  There is so much joy to be found in life without drugs.  It's so easy once you are not physically ill anymore.  The amount of success I've found in my life since I quit adderall has been amazing.  I just want you to know that if you want it bad enough, you CAN do this!  And once you reach the other side of the mountain, you will be so glad you did.  You still have a lot of life left to live and there is a great life for you waiting if you are willing to free yourself from the prison that you are in.  

 

Just keep posting and don't lose hope!  Never EVER give up!!

[quit-once]

Quentin, your story is almost exactly like mine.  I was 48 when I quit, used Adderall for 9 years, took even higher dosages than you do, took it for depression, and I abused the hell out of it too.  My addiction was also destroying my health, and I was terrified of having a stroke or a heart attack.  I smoked a lot of cigs, too, and I just knew that something bad was going to happen to my good health if I did not quit.  So I made a solid decision to quit (Adderall, cigs, and Ativan) once and forever.  I told my friends, my dealer and my doctor that I planned to quit.  There was nothing good that Adderall could ever offer me in the future.  It took a few months before I was able to work the Quit into my life after making that decision.  I felt a great relief when I decided that quitting was the only path forward.

 

Right now, you may have no hope for a better future if it includes Adderall in your life.  But if you decide to quit, commit yourself to a plan for quitting, and treat it like it is the most important thing you will ever do for yourself, like your life depends on it, and you will have great hope for a better future.    

 

I suggest you start by doing some on-line research - both on this site and around the web - so you know what to expect and how to prepare yourself for a better life without Adderall.