I HAD three weeks under my belt until today...

[kam311]

First off, I just have to say that I am SO glad that I found this forum! For the longest time I felt that there was something wrong with me for uncontrollablly abusing my adderall prescription. The stories that I have read are inspirational and give me hope that I can change.

 

Here is a brief background on how my addiction to adderall started... Like many of the stories that I have read on here, a friend in college gave me one of their "miracle pills" to help me study for a test.. that's all it took. I was instantly addicted. I went to the "that" doctor a few days later and he gave me my very own prescription-- that was six years ago. Over these last six years, I have built a high tolerance to this drug and ALWAYS run out of my medication long before I can get my next prescription filled. This is effecting me emotionally, mentally, physically, etc. The sleepless nights make me paranoid and withdrawn at work (I have always been outgoing), it has made me feel disconnected from my fiancé (who treats me wonderfully), and what really tears me up is how it effects me as a mother. My daughter deserves to have a mother who is emotionally there to celebrate each milestone of her life. The only time I have successfully stopped taking adderall is during my pregnancy. I just don't know how to quit and I have never been addicted to anything else in my entire life! It sounds so stupid, but my mind is programed to think I HAVE to have this drug to get what I need to get done.

 

 

All of thee above lead me to my current situation. I ran out of my last prescription THREE weeks early (yeah, that's embarrassing). I haven't had any adderall for three weeks; I was finally feeling like my old self again! I had my confidence back, I could simply sit in the living room floor and really enjoy playing with my daughter, I laughed and laughed, I didn't interrupt other people who were speaking to me, I wasn't all over the place, AND I got my sex drive back (TMI, I know, sorry).  

I don't know how I managed to talk myself into going to get my prescript filled this morning--  I am really beating myself up. My reasoning is idiotic...  I told myself, "I will only take one if I need to clean one Saturday or if I am driving to see family, yada yada yada."

 

I am feeling pretty disappointed in myself. It feels like a never-ending cycle. I should be sleeping right now, not beating myself up about poor choices and making to-do lists. I've already taken way more of my prescribed dosage today. I'm in desperate need of advice for help... I has taken me years to admit that I am addicted and now I just don't know how to successfully quit.

 

I commend all of you with so much clean time under your belts, that is awesome. It gives me hope. 

Thanks for your time.

[duffman]

So relapse from stimulant medications happen quite frequently, as you can probably tell from the abundant "I relapsed again, so disappointed in myself" threads on this forum. Drawing from my own experience, I would tell myself I need to quit, be pretty solid for a few weeks, think to myself "I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. I'm regaining my sense of humor and am beginning to feel like socializing with others. This isn't as bad as I thought".. only to relapse a few days later... What gives? I just thought to myself that it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, only to pop a stimulant medication and be back at day 0 in my recovery. 

 

Well, I started to realize those thoughts I was thinking to myself were more a form of self-delusion than an accurate reflection of how I was feeling. Because tricking myself into thinking how "not so bad" quitting Adderall was, I found, ended up being much easier on my ego than admitting to myself that maybe.. JUST MAYBE.. I feel insecure without that elated feeling that Adderall provided in those tough situations where I felt that I needed to be 110%, whether it be an important social encounter or a big examination. Once I was able to identify that I used Adderall as a crutch for situations where I felt like circumstances were out of my control and I  needed to be on my A+ game, I was able to quit for real.

 

I would implore you reflect what compels you to take the Adderall EVEN THOUGH, as you stated in your post, you supposedly feel better without it. This will involve you being vulnerable if you're doing it honestly.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Kam,

 

Welcome to the site!  So you didn't mention if you were planning on quitting when you ran out 3 weeks early.  It doesn't sound like you really ever made a clear cut decision that you wanted to stop.  I think it was great that you had 3 weeks off though because it gave you enough clarity, time, and space to see that life on adderall is jacked up and life without it can be really good again. 

 

So this is kind of the deal with recovery.  You go through a series of stages (pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and termination) see this link for better explanation: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/understanding_stages_of_change.htmI

 

It sounds like you are in the contemplation stage now so the next stage would be preparation where you launch an all out strategy as to how you are going to quit.  This might include telling the doctor you are hooked and then devising whether or not a taper or cold turkey plan is better.  Then I'd reach out to family/friends for support along with finding any support outlets necessary to help provide you with some tools along the way.  I found Smart Recovery to be very helpful, but there are other programs out there.  You just have to do some research and find something that works best for you.  Once you have a plan mapped out, then dive on in and quit. Come here to share how you're doing and you'll find a lot of support.

 

I really hope the best for you and just know you can beat this!

[XvorteX]

I just found this site last week and feel the exact same way! Love knowing there are other people I can talk to that know and understand this struggle. The longest I have been able to make it in the last two years is about two weeks. I slipped up yesterday again after only a week, and of course I regretted it immediately. I didn't even feel anything off of it but a headache an hour later. I always know this will be the result and don't know why it is so difficult...but it just is. Hang in there. We are all here for you!