Suspect wife uses more than she admits

[Skaald]

Hi all! I found this community after some research this morning and reading this article which I thought was really interesting. I think I'm more of a distancer than a pursuer (I'm just very independent), but I do still love my wife dearly and really enjoy spending time with her. When we met, she was a distancer too, but the closer we get the more of a pursuer she has become. In all honesty, I do find it a little smothering sometimes, but I understand what she's going through and am very supportive, from my perspective at least. More on this in the next section...

 

I'm dispensing a lot of info, so I'm going to break it into a couple sections to hopefully make it easier to read.

 

BACK STORY

My wife and I dated for about 3 years before getting married this past June (we're both 29). I knew she used Adderall sometimes for heavy study sessions when she was in school, when preparing for re-licensing exams (she is a dietitian), on the occasional weekend when there was a ton of stuff to get done, but never suspected she might be using on a regular basis. She has not recently demonstrated the work-a-holic or anger tendencies I've read about in some other cases. When we were in Seattle she did work a lot, but mostly because the hospital she was at had a lot of things that needed updating in her department and she took a lot of that on. It didn't harm our relationship though.

 

We moved from renting in Seattle to buying a house in Portland suburbs a year ago. My family is based in Portland, and we're discussing having a kid so that support structure would be nice to have nearby. We both miss the Seattle culture dearly, and she has never lived in the suburbs before (I have) so that distance from the activity and energy of the city has been difficult for her. We got a dog this past spring which has been a delight and I think has helped ease the transition a bit.

 

She has no friends of her own in the Portland area (having moved to the northwest on a whim from Minnesota just before we met about 3.5 years ago). I have two social circles here since I grew up in Portland. One of them she doesn't care for (interests differ from hers too much), but the other she enjoys spending time with, so we get together with them about once a month for a BBQ and board games or something similar.

 

She gets sad sometimes (usually just for 1 or maybe 2 days at a time, not extended depression), but it's difficult for me to tell if this can be attributed to loneliness (no friends), jealousy (I have friends), anxiety, Adderall, etc. In general we are very happy, active, and playful together.

 

She loves my family, but has really struggled with shifting her identity from being a part of her family (in Minnesota) to being part of my family. Mine can be frustrating in that they are a little closed-minded, but very nice, kind, and welcoming people. She's a moderate liberal (as am I), but my family is largely conservative, so there's a bit of friction there too.

 

She does have a little bit of ADD, but not much, just a little distractible sometimes. She tried to get a prescription for Adderall some years before we met, but they said her tests were "inconsistent" and declined the prescription.

 

ADDERALL DISCOVERY

On Saturday this past weekend she gave me one because we had a huge project to do, I've never tried it before (don't worry, definitely not going to become a habit), and that evening she told me "I've NEVER shared my Adderall with anyone before." I take this as her testing the waters with opening up about this I guess?

 

She left her phone at home this morning. And while I know I shouldn't have been snooping, I sometimes feel like she doesn't talk to me about how she's feeling being alone in the northwest and might open up more to friends out of state. So I turned her phone on and it's on the messages screen with a text from yesterday from a good friend of hers (and her former Adderall supplier) in Minnesota. He flew out for our wedding and delivered a few 20mg extended release pills to her as a wedding gift. I knew about these. He's a good guy, and I've met him previously.

 

So I scroll back through the messages to him noticing comments about overnight shipments, texts saying things like "300 rec, 275 bal" (received / balance), "o/n tmrw" (overnight tomorrow), and my favorite from back in May, "There's too much risk with all these shipments, we need to cut back to 1/mo and you will have to work on rationing".

 

I tallied up the balances he'd sent her over the last 4-5 months and I think it's around $5,000. I've read street value for Adderall is about $6/20mg, but some of the texts imply it's about $13.75/20mg (maybe he's including shipping?). So if my math is right and these texts mean what I think they do, that means she's received somewhere between 360-830 pills over the last 5 months (or between 40-100mg/day).

 

I also discovered she has a MyUPS account (presumably for the pill shipping... I've never seen her use the account before. Was not able to login to the UPS account or her banking info to verify payments/shipments are going to/from her MN friend. We've been watching Nurse Jackie on Netflix, so my mind is of course now spiraling into "how long has this been going on" "where are the stashes" "does she have a secret PO box", etc. I'm half joking with that last sentence, but unfortunately there's a bit of truth to it...

 

She regularly talks about how we don't have a lot of money saved up since we bought a bigger house than we need planning for the future = bigger mortgage, Portland has a 9% income tax we didn't have to deal with in Seattle, etc... she obviously excluded this HUGE sum of money she's spending.

 

THE QUESTION...

My question is... how do I broach the subject with her? Should I? Or do I need to just ride it out and see when she comes forward about it. I know I need to be supportive if she decides to stop, but how can I encourage her toward that decision in a loving manner? I have not dealt with addiction before, so this is all new territory for me. She has, her older sister's heart stopped twice when she was an alcoholic about 10 years ago and they dealt with rehab on two separate occasions with the whole family taking shifts to get her through it.

 

I came across this Adderall information by invading her privacy which is going to automatically put up barriers if I start a discussion. But this is not something that can continue, we don't have enough money coming in to support a $1,200/mo habit (assuming my previous #s are correct).

 

Appreciate any advice the community is able to provide. Am happy to answer other questions about the situation if I can. Thank you very much for your guidance.

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hey Skaald ...Up until about 2 years ago I had little to no idea my wife was addicted to pills for years and I was with her for 14 years.  We divorced over pills mainly adderall and its effects in march.  She covered it up so well it was absolutely nuts...This drug is not anything to take lightly.

 

In the last 5 years I caught her 3 times with pill bottles and she got way way way more sneakier after confronting her. I do not snoop at all but had to towards the end for my little kids and to deal with it and holy shit did I find out the truth. Jerry Springer aint got shit on my ex, Adderall changed her personality so much it was just lies, lies and lies and neglect and disrespect, everything you'll read on this site I went through with thru especially after confronting her.

 

This drug can escalate and control her extremely fast.  Your in the right place please do your homework on here.

 

It got so much worse once I confronted her and even though I had all the facts on paper and from her friends she was so addicted nothing mattered to her. so heres my advice to you.  READ!!!!!!!   If your wife is addicted and kind of sounds like it to me but I'm no expert and my posts will show that. I came on this site for help and got it ten fold. 

 

All the answers about Adderall and relationships are on here.  READ UP!!!!  My advice is dont let her know ANYTHING!!!  Play it like everything is cool and investigate.  Dont start questioning her about it or she will be way more sneakier then you can ever imagine.  If you just have a few ideas running through your head without concrete facts to confront her and hopefully HELP HER when its time it will be a wasted argument and both your futures stand a good chance of going down hill.  With my personal experience Id say let her do her thing and keep getting facts, snoop around even if you feel bad about it, this shit has the complete potential to ruin your marriage and cause her damage. Just read the articles here.  They are all the same story, thousands of them!!!   After I brought it all out in the open for both families to see is when my ex went off the deep end and is still using to this day.  Glad you found this site!  Wish you the best theres great people on here.

[Skaald]

Thanks dadof3,

 

Oh believe me, I'm reading. Haven't gotten much work done today so tomorrow will be intense   . I hope you're wrong about her getting sneakier because generally I'm a "put it all on the table" kind of person and just talk through it. So last night I told her what I found with the texts and asked her about it. She was pretty embarrassed and didn't want to go into a lot of details which I respected, but I gather she's been more on than off over the last 8-10 years. Said she's getting pills with just the active ingredient, not actual Adderall (not sure if she knows which amphetamines are in the pill, but she's smart [unfortunately] and supplier's a friend so she's probably done her research).

 

The conversation was a mixture of encouraging and worrying. She talked about always knowing she would need to quit eventually (i.e. before we have kids), but always felt like she needed to just get through one more thing before stopping. One more move, one more big social gathering, one more project at work... She's promised not to order any more and just wean off with what she has left (which should take about a month as she decreases her dosage). We leave for our honeymoon on Oct. 19th and her plan is to be out by then so we can detox/relax for 10 days to clean things out.

 

She's asked me to trust her to do this herself and not constantly monitor, but I don't know if I can do that. or SHOULD for that matter. I don't want to micromanage and make her feel like I'm berating/bullying her into quitting which is not a good way to go about things, but I feel like I need to be involved in this somehow. She doesn't have to do this on her own.

 

I know her supplier's number... since he's a friend should I call him and ask him to stop selling to her? He's well off and doesn't need the money from her.

 

The discussion was only about 45 minutes long close to bedtime, both of us in tears before the end. I didn't want to drag it out or push her too hard at the start, so I figure we'll be having an in-depth one this week or weekend on steps going forward.

 

I don't know, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, don't think I've had enough time to process and really assess the danger our relationship could be in. We're REALLY close, much more so than anyone I've been with before (and she claims the same). Her family is in Minnesota, so getting them involved will just involve pestering phone calls for the most part. And she's not close enough to my family to feel really supported by them, it'll be more of an intrusion into our personal matters... so for now I'm doing this on my own and we'll see how it goes.

 

Did you or other people on her go through a treatment program or just wean your/theirselves off until you were clean? How crucial is having someone to talk to besides me (therapist or other) during this whole process?

 

So many questions, and so many articles and posts to dig through... back in I go.

[dadof3finallyfree]

My ex and I were extremely close and very happy our whole marriage until the last year or two when her addiction hit hard.  I always put things on the table and talked thru them but it was always one sided.  My ex told me she didn't need the pills, didn't know why she took them, called them diet pills and said she would quit 100% at least 4 times.  She never quit once, insurance print outs and dates proved all that.  Lied to my face and my family non stop over and over and over until we subpoened all 22 doctors and 13 pharmacies she was going to and put it in front of a judge. Addicts will do what they need to do and you will come in second unless your very lucky.  She got so bad and was so narcissistic and mean that I wasnt interested in therapy so cant help on that subject.  Anything is worth trying though.  She didn't offer to quit let alone admit she was an addict until a month before the divorce...it was too late then.

 

Please remember when someone is addicted to anything and I don't know if your wife is or not as Im not a doctor or any kind of expert they will almost always choose the addiction over almost anyone regardless of how strong your relationship is.  Its usually out of their control.  Adderall is a relationship killer.  PLEASE KEEP READING!  Im sorry your having to go through this its heart wrenching because you want to do all the right steps for them but its up to them.

 

From the hundreds of articles Ive read It sounds like it doesn't take but a few weeks or a month on this drug to get addicted.  If she is addicted recovery is always going to be a part of her future and yours to some degree.  You wont fix this with a conversation at the dinner table and some tears but thats where it needs to start once you have. Trust your gut and start looking long term and KEEP READING!!! not just on here, google everything about amphetamines and its history and the current epidemic it is causing.  Congrats on getting married, seriously wish you both the best and hope your marriage and honeymoon go perfectly!

[bluemoon]

Agreed with dadof3finally free, this isn't a problem that's going to be solved in one conversation at the dinner table. 

 

Quitting is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Has she tried to quit before?? I can't even count how many times I tried to quit before actually committing fully. And once I did finally commit, it has been without a doubt, the hardest year of my entire life. I am 10 months in and still not really feeling like myself. 

 

And what does she mean that she's only taking the "active ingredient" in Adderall but not actual Adderall?? Hmm.. Does she mean to say that she's on dexedrine??

 

I do wish you the best but you have a long road ahead of you. That's great that you guys can get away for vacation but be prepared for her to pretty much be a bump on a log and a bit moody. I pretty much couldn't get out of bed for the first little while, so be prepared for that.

 

If she's serious about quitting, she definitely needs someone to talk to other than you. Someone who understands. I was never able to actually quit until I got on the discussion boards here. I needed that daily support from people who have been there and actually understand. Nobody can truly understand this addiction unless they have been there. 

 

I hope this story has a happy ending and I hope she means it when she says she wants to quit. If either of you have any questions, you know where to ask

[Skaald]

Am certainly not naive enough to think a little conversation will fix everything, but it's a start. Claims she has maintained a self-imposed limit of 1.5-2 pills (roughly 30-40mg) per day. Has occasionally gone up to 3, but anything over two and she recognizes it's going too far and cuts back. Has "quit" several times but more just temporary detoxes lasting a week or two and occasionally upwards of 2 months. I hate having to take everything she says about this with a grain of salt...

 

I'll be back with more updates/questions soon, I'm sure. Thank you for the support and advice; I appreciate having an outlet to vent/discuss this from my side of things with people who have been there. This is definitely not what I expected in the first 3 months of marriage, but I guess we're just getting the "for worse" part out of the way right off the bat!