I'm so hopeless

[fleetwoodlient]

Like all of you, adderall has ruined me. I've been addicted over a year now, I'm going to be 20 in a couple months. Without it I'm nothing. I can't get out of bed. I can't talk to anybody or do anything without it. Which unfortunately I deal with often, as my prescription is lower than I take to function on days I really need it. Days I'm not doing anything are days I just physically can't move, I can't just decide to leave my apartment if I need to save my adderall for work. One of them has to go. So many nights I stay up the entire time. I stay up usually because its a day I woke up too late and took adderall late, and the addy cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall asleep. Which when I get to the crazy part of the decline, my mind is racing 100000 miles an hour that it doesn’t matter if the adderall supposedly wore off 8 hours ago I havent slept yet or eaten anything still and I have to wake up tomorrow at a decent time. Ill stay up all night, wake up too late, repeat. When there’s too many days in a row where I can’t sleep in is when I really really lose it. Underslept and undernourished. Like tonight, it’s 2 AM now and my eyes are crossing from being so tired. I've worked three intensive back to back shifts for the first time in months. My body and stomach aches from no food or sleep for a few days, if I stand up even a little too fast I start to black out. Me writing all this was the effect of one of these episodes, too much of it all back to back to back. 1 hour of sleep, and no food. I’m seeing those little speckles of light when my body is draining and I am currently losing it, like I do more and more often. I know tomorrow when I’m refreshed and sober I probably won’t even really remember tonight, then just take adderall and start over. Hopefully I'll eat. My body is dying. Today I spent torturing my beloved boyfriend yet again. He would never leave me and I know this. Adderall has caused me to take advantage of this, it has caused me to become an addict and abuser (I am a child of abuse, but I truly don't believe I ever had it in me before adderall). It's not physical, but its just as horrible. Adderall cost me countless relationships, I stopped having any work ethic and dropped out of school. I was working barely any hours in the summer when I found out I was pregnant, about two months. Adderall and my lifestyle because of it cost me that baby. It was unplanned and I don't want a baby now, but nothing compares to this feeling. I killed my baby over time, starved it and deprived it and poisoned it until it died. Who knows what damage was actually done. Adderall killed my baby, it killed the love of my life's baby. And I'm killing the love of my life because of it. Abortion isn’t murder, what I did is. Everyday now is just another pointless day. I rarely find joy. If I do, it's quickly reminded how/why it shouldn't be there, and returns back to wherever it came from. Sometimes I think about killing myself, but I doubt I’d ever do it. I love all the people I hurt constantly too much. I care too much. Knowing how much it would hurt them is enough to never do it I think. Those things don’t give me any hope in mortal life though. I’m just riding the waves until finally everybody left that I’ve ever known gives up on me and I can just give up. I can't afford to not take it. It's not possible for me to go to work and pay all my bills without it. I just got a new job after not moving for well over a month after my miscarriage and just relying on others. I can't fuck it up yet. I feel like I might finally be making friends again after months of isolation and depression. I like how working distracts me from my thoughts, which is what I've been solely alone with for quite a few months. Living alone with my boyfriend for the first time, he was working 60 hours a week after dropping out of an amazing university for me to support us. That's another story, but I am a manipulative selfish person now. All I did was sit and rip my brain to shreds those couple months. Over my addiction and what it cost me. What its made me do. But right now I can’t function without it. There is no such thing as me anymore on a day I don’t take it. I could potentially talk about really anything else, but never my adderall. If I talk to a therapist about my biggest problem, the root of all wrong with me currently, she’ll take the adderall away from me. I am forever a prisoner of it. And it will eventually cost me the rest of my relationships, love, and life. It would take my ability to function away, literally take my life and whatever is left of me. I never want to have to go to rehab, I can't afford it and I can't have that stigma, I feel so private about this. I need to keep working and functioning and find a way to quit before I'm worse. That seems impossible. I made a big step today, I found this forum and I wrote a 8 page document about everything. It felt good to write it down. Good enough to tell my boyfriend about how severe this is, and it's nice to know that he will be here to support if I ever do this. I don't deserve him, and knowing this prevents me from proving I do. I push him away, always threaten our relationship to hurt him, say disgusting things to see his suffering. He'd never do anything like this to me. I truly just want him to get fed up with me and leave me. Just like all my friends did, just like I wanted. The day I was prescribed adderall was the day I lost who i truly was, I can’t believe this exists and is legal. I’d die before I ever prescribed a kid this. Who knows about anything I felt before, maybe I was even sane before this. I wouldn’t know, my mind is too skewed to distinguish what’s even real anymore. Other drugs feel good, I love drugs. All kinds. But adderall is all I actually need. If there’s ever a day I’m released from this trap- I will not get up, I will not speak, I will not succeed, I will slowly die within my mind until I die without it. but it’s fucking killing me

 

BTW- I always had bad ADD and refused medications. I couldnt really function without it anyways, it was pretty obvious to anyone I had this. But now I'm crazy, miserable, and can't function.

[LILTEX41]

OK, so I am having a hard time copying and pasting this, but here it is.  I just want you to take a good look at everything you've said here.  This is the top portion of your COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS.  Below this I created the bottom half for you to fill in when you get some time if you are up for it.  If you want help, I'm sure we will all be able to help you fill it in as you may not be sure what to expect of your life without it and it is probably hard to comprehend.

 

All that being said, I am so glad you posted today as you've given me something very constructive to do in my time of need.  I needed to help someone today to get my mind off of my own problems and you have helped me so there!!!  Just like that...boom!! You can make a difference by coming here and sharing your problems and asking for help.

 

I know this is not easy, but you are so young!!! And you have only been taking it for 1 year!!!  You can beat this fast and quickly and GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE.  Don't allow this drug to keep you a prisoner any longer.  You are so much more than that and don't allow it to destroy your relationship with a man who loves you that much in your worst condition.  At least don't add one more consequence to this list!!!  You don't have to reach rock bottom to stop.  You can put the shovel down and just stop digging.  It's that simple.  Hope you got some sleep finally and hope you stay long enough with us to get your life back!!

 

P.S - I added some stuff to your original post to try and help you sort out your thoughts and what you are saying here.  I paraphrased a little bit and yes these are not your exact words, but I tried to help you better understand what you're saying and the effect this drug is having on your life.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

This should look like a box diagram with 4 sections split up so you can compare Advantages to the Disadvantages side by side.   I can't get it to work so just try to pretend.  

 

It should look like:

 

ADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL  /  DISADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL  / DISADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL

 

 

 

ADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL

• Gets me out of bed (it is only doing that RIGHT NOW, but you will get out of bed just fine in the future without it.)

• Without it I’m nothing (I am pretty sure you are a legit human being with all kinds of untapped potential within you, but the ADDERALL has stolen all of that from you and is mind fucking you to believe this lie.

• Talking to people is easier (this is only true for like the first 45 mins when it kicks in. After that you are tranquilized and go into zombie mode. Are you really able to have any meaningful REAL conversations with people when your brain is hijacked by this drug?)

• Makes functioning possible (you mean for the first portion of the day. It does NOT make sleep possible, eating, and having a normal life. This is yet another lie it tells you to keep you hooked and trapped in the cycle)

• Cannot afford to not take it (feeling suicidal is better than not being able to take the pill that is causing me to feel suicidal?)

• Must take it in order to go to work (I used to believe that lie too. But do you know how I can do my job for 8 hours straight now, show up on time, not call off sick, not act CRAZY while I’m there, have normal healthy relationships at work, not scare people away from my insane behavior, and act like a normal human being on the job?)

• Must take it to pay my bills. (Again, this is another lie it is telling you. I used to believe that too. It is making it harder to pay your bills.  I swear if you take away all your time and energy not sleeping, eating, obsessing on when where how you will take next pill, fighting with friends, lying, hiding, and all the behavior associated with using this drug - paying your bills is an easy task in comparison.)

• Cannot afford to risk losing new job (see above stuff I mentioned about work. Taking ADDERALL is going to make you risk losing your new job far over not taking it.) AND if you do happen to lose it in the short term quit, you WILL FIND ANOTHER one and figure out how to handle it without ADDERALL.

• I am making friends at new job and don’t want to risk losing them (yet didn’t adderall destroy a bunch of other relationships and are you not believing it will do so with these new friends?)

• You are not you (your adderall identity) without it.  (YOU do NOT like this person you are on it.  You can RECLAIM who you are again without it.

DISADVANTAGES TO TAKING ADDERALL

• adderall has ruined me

• Addicted over a year now

• Take more than prescribed

• Do not have even enough to function

• Stay up ALL night

• Wake up late due to above and once again take adderall late - cycle repeats

• Cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall to sleep

• Mind races 100000 miles an hour

• Haven’t slept or eaten anything (your body is in starvation mode and you are losing touch with reality as it’s sleep deprived and malnourished) You are slowly killing yourself

• Body aches and stomach aches from no food nor sleep

• Start to stand up - start to BLACK OUT

• MY BODY IS DYING

• Tortured beloved boyfriend - DESTROYING the relationship

• ADDERALL has turned me into an ADDICT and ABUSER

• Already LOST countless relationships

• Killed my own baby from ADDERALL

• Killed the love of my life’s baby from ADDERALL

• Everyday is POINTLESS - no JOY in life due to ADDERALL

• I have SUICIDAL THOUGHTS from ADDERALL

• I am waiting till everyone gives up on me so I can end my life because of ADDERALL

• Causes me to act in manipulative and selfish ways in order to take it

• I need therapy, but I can’t get help from the therapy because I can’t admit the adderall problem or she will take it away.

• It will eventually cost me all my relationships, love, and life.

• It will destroy everything left of me.

• I need to go to rehab because of the adderall (not worth the financial costs or stigma)

• Trying to figure out how to get off of it and still function feels impossible, but today I came clean on the forum. (YES, THIS IS A HUGE STEP AND ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOUR LIFE.  GOOD JOB!!!!)

• Taking adderall and my addiction to it makes me feel like I don’t deserve my boyfriend and even further de-motivates me to try and prove that I do (because ADDERALL is making me feel THIS HOPELESS).

• ADDERALL makes me so worn out from all the effort I have to do between taking it and trying to have a relationship that I am to the point of giving up the relationship for the adderall because ADDERALL is defeating me.

• ADDERALL already defeated me with my other friends because it was too hard to have both friends and adderall.  It won.

• ADDERALL made me LOSE WHO I TRULY AM. I am it’s prisoner.

• ADDERALL is causing me to lose complete touch with reality and question my own sanity at this point.

• I keep telling myself I NEED ADDERALL - it’s ALL I NEED (even though it’s doing all these HORRIBLE things to my life).

• I am SO TRAPPED in my mind by ADDERALL that I BELIEVE I am HOPELESS without it. I will DIE without it OR I will die from taking it. (this is an IRRATIONAL BELIEF - you will NOT DIE from not taking it. You will struggle in the short term for awhile and then you will be HEALED).

• I am CRAZY, MISERABLE and CAN’T function due to taking ADDERALL.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL      /      DISADVANTAGES OF NOT TAKING ADDERALL

[duffman]

Like all of you, adderall has ruined me. I've been addicted over a year now, I'm going to be 20 in a couple months. Without it I'm nothing. I can't get out of bed. I can't talk to anybody or do anything without it. Which unfortunately I deal with often, as my prescription is lower than I take to function on days I really need it. Days I'm not doing anything are days I just physically can't move, I can't just decide to leave my apartment if I need to save my adderall for work. One of them has to go. So many nights I stay up the entire time. I stay up usually because its a day I woke up too late and took adderall late, and the addy cracks me out and makes me insane until I fall asleep. Which when I get to the crazy part of the decline, my mind is racing 100000 miles an hour that it doesn’t matter if the adderall supposedly wore off 8 hours ago I havent slept yet or eaten anything still and I have to wake up tomorrow at a decent time. Ill stay up all night, wake up too late, repeat. When there’s too many days in a row where I can’t sleep in is when I really really lose it. Underslept and undernourished. Like tonight, it’s 2 AM now and my eyes are crossing from being so tired. I've worked three intensive back to back shifts for the first time in months. My body and stomach aches from no food or sleep for a few days, if I stand up even a little too fast I start to black out. Me writing all this was the effect of one of these episodes, too much of it all back to back to back. 1 hour of sleep, and no food. I’m seeing those little speckles of light when my body is draining and I am currently losing it, like I do more and more often. I know tomorrow when I’m refreshed and sober I probably won’t even really remember tonight, then just take adderall and start over. Hopefully I'll eat. My body is dying. Today I spent torturing my beloved boyfriend yet again. He would never leave me and I know this. Adderall has caused me to take advantage of this, it has caused me to become an addict and abuser (I am a child of abuse, but I truly don't believe I ever had it in me before adderall). It's not physical, but its just as horrible. Adderall cost me countless relationships, I stopped having any work ethic and dropped out of school. I was working barely any hours in the summer when I found out I was pregnant, about two months. Adderall and my lifestyle because of it cost me that baby. It was unplanned and I don't want a baby now, but nothing compares to this feeling. I killed my baby over time, starved it and deprived it and poisoned it until it died. Who knows what damage was actually done. Adderall killed my baby, it killed the love of my life's baby. And I'm killing the love of my life because of it. Abortion isn’t murder, what I did is. Everyday now is just another pointless day. I rarely find joy. If I do, it's quickly reminded how/why it shouldn't be there, and returns back to wherever it came from. Sometimes I think about killing myself, but I doubt I’d ever do it. I love all the people I hurt constantly too much. I care too much. Knowing how much it would hurt them is enough to never do it I think. Those things don’t give me any hope in mortal life though. I’m just riding the waves until finally everybody left that I’ve ever known gives up on me and I can just give up. I can't afford to not take it. It's not possible for me to go to work and pay all my bills without it. I just got a new job after not moving for well over a month after my miscarriage and just relying on others. I can't fuck it up yet. I feel like I might finally be making friends again after months of isolation and depression. I like how working distracts me from my thoughts, which is what I've been solely alone with for quite a few months. Living alone with my boyfriend for the first time, he was working 60 hours a week after dropping out of an amazing university for me to support us. That's another story, but I am a manipulative selfish person now. All I did was sit and rip my brain to shreds those couple months. Over my addiction and what it cost me. What its made me do. But right now I can’t function without it. There is no such thing as me anymore on a day I don’t take it. I could potentially talk about really anything else, but never my adderall. If I talk to a therapist about my biggest problem, the root of all wrong with me currently, she’ll take the adderall away from me. I am forever a prisoner of it. And it will eventually cost me the rest of my relationships, love, and life. It would take my ability to function away, literally take my life and whatever is left of me. I never want to have to go to rehab, I can't afford it and I can't have that stigma, I feel so private about this. I need to keep working and functioning and find a way to quit before I'm worse. That seems impossible. I made a big step today, I found this forum and I wrote a 8 page document about everything. It felt good to write it down. Good enough to tell my boyfriend about how severe this is, and it's nice to know that he will be here to support if I ever do this. I don't deserve him, and knowing this prevents me from proving I do. I push him away, always threaten our relationship to hurt him, say disgusting things to see his suffering. He'd never do anything like this to me. I truly just want him to get fed up with me and leave me. Just like all my friends did, just like I wanted. The day I was prescribed adderall was the day I lost who i truly was, I can’t believe this exists and is legal. I’d die before I ever prescribed a kid this. Who knows about anything I felt before, maybe I was even sane before this. I wouldn’t know, my mind is too skewed to distinguish what’s even real anymore. Other drugs feel good, I love drugs. All kinds. But adderall is all I actually need. If there’s ever a day I’m released from this trap- I will not get up, I will not speak, I will not succeed, I will slowly die within my mind until I die without it. but it’s fucking killing me

 

BTW- I always had bad ADD and refused medications. I couldnt really function without it anyways, it was pretty obvious to anyone I had this. But now I'm crazy, miserable, and can't function.

 

The good thing (the only good thing) about hitting rock bottom is you can't go any lower, and you then know what you're doing clearly isn't working for you. It sounds like you're there, so it's time for you to turn this fuckin' ship around and begin the healing process. 

 

Yes, it is time for you to quit taking Adderall. Starting today, if you haven't done so already. Stop taking Adderall. It's helpful that LILTEX compiled a list for you to see, because it's clear that it's favorable for you to stop taking it as opposed to maintaining on the course you're on. All the reasons you've listed for taking Adderall are just rationalizations for continuing its use, because you have no idea what you're capable of without it. Yeah, I had all the reservations you have listed for quitting Adderall, and they all ended up being completely blown out of proportion or just downright not true. I used those rationalizations for a long damned time before I quit. Your brain on Adderall has this insidious ability to rationalize its own use. It will convince you that you're nothing without it, that you never were anything till you used it. All bullshit. Yes quitting will be tough, but it cannot be any tougher than losing your unborn child, or losing your closest relationships, or making you want to kill yourself. One thing I've found is Adderall hinders your ability for growth in all aspects of your life. Adderall gives you that false sense/feeling of accomplishment, even if you haven't done anything. Dopamine (the neurotransmitter that Adderall impacts) gives you that "feel good" sensation after you accomplish something. If you take something that gives you that feeling independent of accomplishing something, then you'll never grow as a person. Call your Adderall use for what it is: You like the feeling it elicits.. that euphoric high. That feeling is what keeps us addicted. If you continue down this path, you'll find yourself isolated and alone from everything/everyone you once had and knew. Do not continue down the path you're on. Make the change now. Stop. Taking. Adderall.

 

The good news is your prognosis is looking good. 1 year of use? Yeah, you'll be fine if you stop now. I took it for 5 years at ever-increasing dosages and I've dug myself out. I'm 8 months out and am learning so much about myself. I'm growing as a person and the relationships I thought I've severed in the past due to my Adderall use are mending. My girlfriend and I are closer than ever. I'm finally beginning to flourish again. Am I 100% better? Not yet. But I'm on the rise. Quitting Adderall was the single best thing I've done for myself in years, perhaps my entire life. 

 

What worries me is this sentence "Other drugs feel good, I love drugs". This makes me believe that you're not serious about quitting, and will lower your chances of getting off Adderall. Yeah, drugs "feel good", but is that feeling really worth all this bad shit that's happening to you? I'm not here to lecture you on drug use, but if you're really serious about improving all this bad shit in your life, then you need to mature a bit and realize what you do in the short term to "feel good" has consequences down the road. 

 

Last thing is your boyfriend. Now, many guys that I've talked to have an extraordinary sense of resilience in relationships, and will stay with a toxic partner well past the time when they should've left. They do this because they have the belief that this isn't the person they initially got in a relationship with and if they ride out all the abuse for long enough, then the person they once knew will be back. If he's staying with you despite you abusing him, then he's waiting for that old you to come back, the Adderall-free you. Here's the kicker: There is a time limit to his tolerance of your shitty behavior towards him and in the end, you will win and he will leave. Neither of you want this. So stop torturing this guy and let him help you through this rough transition of quitting Adderall. If he stayed with you while you were actively abusing him on Adderall, he will gladly stay with you through the Adderall withdrawal process.