Six Months Good days and Bad Days

[Tom23Jones]

Its been a little bit since I've posted to the forums but I wanted to try and put into words my 6 month update.

 

Its definitely been a roller coaster.  It seems like I'm always on the fence of hopeful and hopeless.  

 

The odd thing is my best post-adderall days were shortly after I quit.  I guess it was about 1 month after quitting, everything felt so good, life was almost eurphoric.  I enjoyed watching the sun come up, exercise felt amazing, I craved my wife's touch again, I enjoyed conversations with friends and family again.  I remember saying, life feels so good, I don't want this to ever change, I was so happy I quit Adderall.

 

But months 2-6 the positive vibes started to fade and I'm not sure exactly why.  Part of me thinks initially quitting and beginning recovery kind of had like a novelty vibe.  It was new and different which I desparately needed...anything besides the same vicious cycle of taking my 30 day supply in 10 days and then being depressed for the next 20 days. 

 

But again, I can't explain why the positive vibes quickly faded.  I think part of it is that we get stuck in our heads and start taking the good things in life for granite.  And the farther we get away from the date we first quit, the bad memories fade and we tend to think of the few positive attributes adderall gave us.  Even though we all know the negatives outweigh any benefits by a landslide.

 

I also think for some reason I can easily obsess on the negative things and I can quickly get stuck in a dark place. Which in turn paralyzes me from doing the positive things that I know help my recovery along.  i.e. expressing gratitude daily, exercising, N/A meetings, meditating, praying.  ... I don't know if this makes any since but its almost like that dark place in my head is my default feeling.  I think its easier to go there because then I've got that excuse to just be lazy, binge eat, sulk, sleep.  Opposed to putting in the work and doing the positive habits I mentioned.

 

Oh, I just thought of another self defeating thing I do which is I obsess over my past adderall abuse and I get consumed with regret which is absolutely fucking pointless.  I abused Adderall for 10 years, sitting around wishing that I didn't isn't fucking productive whatsoever.  Excuse the language, clearly you can feel my hate for this nasty fucking drug.  

 

Anyway...today is a particularly good day which puts me on the hopeful side of the fence which is all we can ask for.

 

Thanks for allowing me to share. I truly believe this website, in conjunction with N/A meetings, my higher power and a supportive wife has been what has saved my life.

 

[bluemoon]

Hey Everything you're describing is exactly what I went through in the early months of recovery. I felt SO good and optimistic right after quitting, but it didn't take long for that to fade away. The next few months after that were full of misery. I found things didn't really get any easier for me until about 9-10 months, but noticed some others started feeling positive changes a bit sooner.

 

Anyway, I found this interesting article a while ago about quitting crystal meth, and it has "the five stages" of recovery. It's kind of interesting how similar the recovery is to quitting Adderall.

 

Here is a copy and paste of the "stages" from the article here:

 

 

The Five Stages of Recovery from Crystal Methamphetamine

 

Stage 1: Withdrawal (Days 0 – 15)

Withdrawal usually lasts from 1 to 2 weeks, but it can last upwards of 4 weeks—and, in some extreme cases, longer. Also known as the “sleep, eat, and drink†stage, your body and brain are in healing overdrive. There’s a lot of damage meth caused that needs to be repaired before you can move forward.

 

Stage 2: The Honeymoon (Days 16 – 45)

The crash has lifted, your body has made those immediately needed repairs, and you are feeling physically and emotionally much stronger. You might even feel great, better than you’ve felt in years. And it’s only the beginning of the third week! Unfortunately, this upswing can lead to overconfidence and you might find yourself minimizing your past meth problem.

A lot of people will relapse here because of this overconfidence. But not you. You are prepared. You understand this Honeymoon won’t last. Still, there’s much to enjoy while it does.

And much to do in the meantime, while you’re feeling stronger.

 

Stage 3: The Wall (6 Weeks – 4 Months)

You hit it hard. All the positive, forward momentum from the Honeymoon crashes around you.

A seemingly insurmountable Wall of depression, boredom, and despair—it begins about 45 days into sobriety and it continues through month 4 or thereabouts. Rarely, however, does the Wall last longer than 3 months. So, keep in mind, it’s going to get better.

The Wall is often where people will relapse. You so want the feelings of boredom and loneliness to pass, crystal meth seems like the solution again. Though the danger of picking up is highest here, you can get past it.

Let’s look at what to expect and what you can do to get through this stage of your recovery. The Wall is not impossible to overcome, just tricky.

 

Stage 4: Adjustment (Months 4 – 6)

You’ve gotten over the Wall safely and it is now mostly behind you. The next stage is called “Adjustment†because that’s what characterizes this time period—adjusting, physically, socially, and emotionally, to life without crystal. You get relief from the overwhelming cravings and begin to find life interesting again.

 

Stage 5: Ongoing Recovery (Months 6 – 12)

Toward the end of the first year clean, crystal meth addiction can seem distant and almost tangential to your life. Or, it can be something you continue to think about, fleetingly, almost every day. Like all things on this timeline, it depends.

I like to call this part of the quitting journey “Ongoing Recovery†(also known as the “Resolution†stage) because, despite how foreign your crystal dependence may seem, it’s important to remember that meth addiction is a “chronic disease†and you are never cured.

Recovery is always ongoing.

 

 

Here is the article if you are interested in reading the whole thing: 

 

http://www.quittingcrystalmeth.com/the-5-stages-of-meth-recovery/

[Tom23Jones]

Thanks Bluemoon, thats very useful information you provided.  

 

It feels good to see that my timeline "stages" are normal.  I was worried that something wasn't right with my recovery and I really questioned why I felt so happy early on but the Honeymoon stages describe this perfectly.