19 & lost after quitting Adderall

[Depression]

My story begins when I was a freshman in high school. I had always been goofy, funny, talkative, and intelligent. I was a straight A student my whole life & an athlete. When I reached high school I began to hate myself. I talked all class & had trouble paying attention. I envied people who sat quietly & did their school work. I was never that person but it just started to hit me that it was a problem. I went to a psychiatrist & was diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing that I had a heart murmur as a child, they put me on strattera. This made me incredibly tired & depressed. Then I tried Ritalin with the same result. 

Fast forward to my sophomore year of high school. I became more & more depressed. My self confidence plummeted. My doctor put me on Zoloft but that just made me agitated so I eventually went off that as well. I self medicated with marijuana for a few months & it seemed to help make me forget about the constant nagging feelings of worthlessness. Until that stopped working & I quit. 

My senior year of high school I hit an all time low. I had been struggling with depression for the past few years but I had coped without taking medication. I was still able to function, stay active in sports & maintain good grades. But I felt like I was a failure, I felt like I was never doing enough. I ended up being prescribed Wellbutrin & Adderall. I swore for months that the Adderall wasn't doing anything. Some days I accomplished so much & others I barely accomplished anything yet I was restless from the feeling of being high. I had a 4.4 GPA & applied to colleges. I got accepted to all of them, even university of Florida which I didn't think I would get in to. Deciding that I didn't want to be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, I decided to go a cheaper route. 

I was captain of the lacrosse team & I wanted to believe that Adderall wouldn't affect my performance. I was wrong. I lost weight & felt like excercise was harder due to the lack of energy from not eating. One night I had an exceptionally good game, in which I scored 3 goals in under 2 minutes & carried my team to a win against our county rivals. This season had been rough for me. I wasn't the player or leader that I used to be. A division 2 coach was there & offered me a scholarship to go to her school. I felt guilty because she didn't know that I was unable to be consistent like I used to be. I got in my head so much now & I didn't want to dissapoint.

I was excited, yet scared. I no longer felt myself anymore. I barely attended class anymore & started to become antisocial. Some days I wouldn't take my Adderall & I would just sleep all day. I ended up declining her offer to play college lacrosse, even after she increased her scholarship offer to a full ride. 

I graduated high school with 17 college credits & decided to go to a community college to pursue a degree in nursing. I cried at my graduation because I had lost all of my friends & felt alone. I felt like an outsider. I was distraught. That summer things got even worse. I found out my boyfriend had cheated on me with his ex & I was crushed. I tried to forget by drowining my feelings in alcohol. This, of course, didn't help. I was taking 40 mg of Adderall a day as prescribed, sometimes I would take 60 mg if I was partying so that I could stay up longer. I had lost about 15 pounds. I now stood 5'7 & only weighed about 120 lbs. I didn't even feel human anymore. 

At the end of the summer of 2016 I got back together with my ex. Things were okay but I felt robotic. I didn't want him to know that I was addicted to Adderall. I still wanted to seem perfect despite being so fucked up. I felt that after him cheating on me with his ex of 6 years that I needed to prove to him that I was worth loving. I remember hiding them in my bag & having to roll over in bed & pretend I was checking my phone as I popped one in my mouth every morning just so I could get myself out of bed. He cheated on me with his ex again & I was destroyed, yet I stayed with him. Being on Adderall I constantly dissected things. I swore he was always cheating on me & I was sad all the time, I would get wrapped up in small tasks, I would be late for work. I was never like this before. I used to be such a bright child. I was so loving. I stopped talking to my parents, my friends. 

I started my first year of college. I enrolled full time & worked 40 hours a week. I was still on Adderall so this seemed easy enough. I began to spend my free time in the wrong ways. I obsessively cleaned & reorganized my room or sat around hating myself, I analyzed the past & feared for the future rather than studying. The work piled up & eventually, in the middle of of the semester, I had a mental breakdown. I decided Adderall was evil & I quit cold turkey. It was HORRIBLE. I slept all the time & felt lifeless. I wanted to kill myself. My doctor put me on seroquel to help me sleep & trintellix for my depression but that just made me more suicidal & hopeless. I admitted myself into a mental hospital & for the 3 days I was there I started taking lamictal & spent my time coloring & reading books. I got out with a new perspective but old habits came back quickly. I napped pretty much all day when I wasn't at work. I picked fights with my boyfriend & constantly stressed about him being unfaithful yet I was giving him every reason to leave me. 

I received medical withdrawals for my classes & my gpa wasn't harmed. I went into the new semester hopeful. I only took 2 classes & worked 20 hours a week. I was taking 100 mg of lamictal & still felt empty & sad all the time. My doctor suggested putting me back on Adderall. I agreed thinking that it would be nice to have the script so I can take it as needed for school. And I did. I didn't take it every single day but any time I had a big test coming up I would binge on it to study. I felt stupid without it. I got good grades but still felt guilty because it was only thanks to Adderall. At the beginning of this summer I vowed to not take it as I was only taking it for school & to wean myself off of the lamictal. 

That brings us to today. I am no longer on any medications. I'm trying to take multivitamins to help with the intense fatigue I always feel. I currently take folic acid, fish oil, Stresstabs, & hair skin & nails (I lost hair while on Adderall). I drink caffeine a lot but it doesn't help. I am eating healthier but I'm still so depressed & uninterested in everything. I feel like nothing makes me happy anymore. I can't get into a good tv series & I used to love reading but I'm just not interested. I want to start exercising again but I have no motivation to do so. Every day all I want to do is sleep. I have no interest really in hanging out with friends unless it involves drinking, but even that I have distanced myself from. I started having heart palpitations this past spring. The doctors didn't find anything severe but wanted me to wear a monitor for 30 days but I didn't want to. I still experience heart palpitations but I am hoping they will go away. 

I don't want to take Adderall again but I'm afraid that when I go back to school in the fall I will have no choice other than to take it for school. I feel dumb & unmotivated without it. I work as a waitress & I don't need Adderall when I'm at my job but for school work I feel like I do need it. I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I want so badly to feel myself again but I don't know when that will ever happen. Being addicted to Adderall was bad but this is almost just as bad. It's been a year since being addicted to Adderall & a few months since I took it occasionally as needed for school but I still feel so unmotivated. I know that this is due to having depression but I just don't want to go back on medication. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know this was really long but I wanted to give as much background info as possible hoping others have been through what I'm going through & have advice to offer. Are there any supplements that have helped any of you with energy & focus? Thank you so much for listening