Quit That Sh*t

[Mer]

I'm just going to be candid because I hope that someone might find some connection with my experience and keep it in their heads to bolster their resolve.  I haven't been on this site in months, but I have thought about it every single day.  I think perhaps a combination of shame, fear, and a stubborn sense of seclusion kept me from seeking anything that echoed the constant murmur that was in my head:  Adderall was changing me.  It was changing my life, and not for the better.  An emotional disaster of a relationship, alienation from coworkers who had been some of my good friends, all but shunned by nearly all of my closest friends, some of the best people I know--this year has been rough.  And I can confidently say that, among a nest of other contributors for most of which I bear responsibility, adderall was the beautiful orange seed from which so many of my pains blossomed.  The absolutely most painful relationship to lose was the one that I had with myself.  I moved back in with my parents at the beginning of the month.  I filled my last prescription in the beginning of July, using the excuse of having to pack up/clean a house and having one last fling with this version of myself with whom I had developed an intimate relationship.  Sometimes it seems like home is the best place to separate from my addiction, away from a city in which I used to feel at home, a big neighborhood where everyone knows everyone.  And sometimes it scares the shit out of me to feel myself regress, falling into habits I had hoped to outgrow.

But I would rather have to get this lazy, mopey self up and to the gym or let her sit quietly with a book even if she keeps closing it because she is distracted by some other thought, than rely on the constant cycle of keeping a source of external control close to my person just in case I wasn't feeling "on".  I say control, but truly, I wasn't in control--Adderall was.  I lost touch with reality, unable to trust my thoughts or actions.  Working in the service industry, I needed it to talk to people all day, to be chatty and charming and interested in other people.  I needed to take it before meeting with my friends, seeing them observe the unraveling threads and feeling like I had to prove that I was alright.  But the truth is, I wasn't being myself, I wasn't being honest, I hated myself for it, and I deeply feared the person I was without it.  My perspective was so microscopically focused, peering into the petri dish of what life was made of, but I had completely lost sight of what living life was at all.

After a relationship that made me question my own value and what I know now was a drug addiction, I will be damned if I let something or someone take myself from me again.  I've been off of adderall for really not that long, and I want it constantly, but the craving is always immediately followed by the thought of losing all of the things I cherished the most.  I feel sluggish and unmotivated, I sleep longer and deeper--with such vivid dreams! My appetite has definitely increased, though in my case it is for the better. My self-correcting anxiety is off the fucking charts.  It takes active effort to quell the moment-to-moment frustration and self-berating when my brain shuts down the moment I'm faced with a necessary task.  I don't put pressure on myself to do anything that isn't absolutely necessary in the moment and try my best to avoid anything that makes my thoughts spiral into an overwhelming web of inadequacy.  Boxes to unpack?  Fuck it.  Text messages unread?  They'll be okay for a day.  Need to clean the bathroom?  Give it a minute.  Things always need to be cleaned.  They will get dirty again.  This time is about me, my body, and repairing the relationship that I have with my own mind.  It is an investment into my own self control, into giving this person whom I've abused and used in ways I'd never treat another human a moment to just rest and be.  My brain works hard for me in a world vibrating with constant stimulation, and I try to treat it like a friend rather than as a slave.

Whatever your faith, THIS life that's happening RIGHT NOW happens only once.  You don't want to waste it being someone you are not, using yourself like a ragdoll for the approval of other people.  You are not what others think of you--you are an incredible, perfect combination of matter, the only vessel through which you get to experience this journey.  You don't want to feel like you are the perpetual passenger, watching indiscriminate scenery flash past your window.  You want to be the driver, no matter what condition the car is in--and chances are, you're saddled with a pretty decent ride that you've been claiming was a lemon.  Life isn't about never feeling pain, never feeling insecure, never feeling awkward or tired or unmotivated.  You need to experience those sensations and walk straight into them to prove to yourself that you can actually endure and thrive.  One of the many things adderall users have in common is a lack of confidence in their conscious self, and the only way that you will rebuild your belief is by forcing yourself into discomfort and accepting what you are capable of in that moment.  And if you feel like you can't live the life you're leading currently without adderall, not only is it unsustainable, but you don't really want to be doing what you're doing anyway.  So fuck it.  Do something else.  Do anything else.  I know you may be having those "You don't understand" thoughts chattering about how important your job is and how important you are to your job, but I can guarantee that every person who is on this site feels the weight of their world on their shoulders.  You are literally a part of the greater evolution.  The thoughts you think, the way you live your life, the way you use your brain, is already having an affect on the world in ways that you cannot currently fathom.

I encourage you to take control.  To treat yourself with kindness.  To seek forms of meditation (there are literally apps), and also to allow your mind to escape sometimes when it wants to.  Go for walks, go be out in the world, even if you aren't immediately interested in it.  Get a gym membership.  Eat things you like.  I am regaining my own trust, but I can already remember her familiar face, and it is so nice to see her again.