Same old story

[livey12]

So many stories on here are similar to one another. I am no different. I won't go much into my beginnings with adderall because I was responsible and I didn't abuse it.

Fast forward 2 years and I moved 900 miles away from home and had no job or friends. Adderall gave me purpose (aka something to do/clean each day). Like everyone else, it started small. Mine was taking one pill everyday  which soon spiraled into 4-5 sometimes 6 (20mgIR).

Now three years later I have a full blown addiction, I've visited this website several times and have flushed my pills and cried that I did it because I was proud only to cry again the next day because I was scared. 

I'm starting to see the damage. I've wasted a wonderful opportunity in a new place, hiding in my home. I haven't been living life. I'm mean and cold on it. I wound up quitting my job because I couldn't juggle it and my addiction. I told myself leaving my job would give me time to heal and create healthy habits. 

And it did. I went around 50 days clean and I experienced a series of stressful events. I wasn't even thinking I just needed my crutch, so naturally, I got a refill. 

I have had it refilled twice now, the first time I threw out about half of my pills but I did take the rest. Today is the second day on my new script and I haven't slept in 24 hours. Maybe this relapse was what I needed. 

I am ashamed of myself. I had come clean before I relapsed. And those I told don't know that I've fallen back. I'm realizing I have to come up with coping strategies when faced with a difficult situation. I've been running in circles on adderall. I need to get out of this cycle. I want to grow and I am hopeful. 

[hyper_critical]

Welcome to the forums. You're in the right place.

Check out the articles and plan your quit.

You can do this. And though it may seem daunting, an amazing freedom is on the other side. 

[Meganelizabeth]

Thankyou for sharing your story, I have had a similar experience. I was clean for 10 months and went back on it, thinking I could handle it this time. I filled one prescription but it's been about a month and I haven't filled a second. Feel free to reach out.

[Jan]

Hi. I cant sleep and I just stumbled on this site. I am a mother of three great kids in a very "perfect people and judgmental upper class area". The first time I tried it, I did so for the energy and potential happy feeling i was told I should get. That was with only 5 mg in me and boy did it work!. Its been 13.5 years since that day and (with a few different short and longer term breaks) I have been using it, abusing it at times, wishing for it, waiting for my next script of it, dreaming about it, panicking about it, and learning to live with the way i am now. In all honesty, I've also had some amazingly happy times from it! I had many years of being stunningly fit, happy, and attractive because of it and I am glad I got to know what it feels like to look amazing in a bikini especially while being a well known supermom and wife by everyone in town. Those days are over now though. I still take it somewhat regularly but now I am divorced, secluded from the public for the most part by choice, and worst of all.... I am huge! I gained over one hundred pounds in a few months over a year ago and this is just what i am now. 

[Jan]

I suppose what I am hoping to find from this site is the motivation to admit the whole truth regarding my experiences and history with adderall (which will shock the socks off of most readers here I bet)! Ultimately, I hope to someday choose to do something to change and learn how to live as a normal sober person. wow, I sound pretty pitiful! Please feel free to reach out if you want to. 

[Jan]

hi hyper critical. I feel ya girl! you cant change the past but you are recognizing the patterns and even thinking up some strategies for going forward. I hate that feeling when you really blow it but you here talking about it and in a way that means you are taking ownership for using it again. That is a pretty great starting point in my opinion! 

[livey12]

10 hours ago, Meganelizabeth said:

Thankyou for sharing your story, I have had a similar experience. I was clean for 10 months and went back on it, thinking I could handle it this time. I filled one prescription but it's been about a month and I haven't filled a second. Feel free to reach out.

Thanks! I took more today because, well I was tired from not sleeping but couldn't sleep. Ugh this cycle we've put ourselves through. I can't find the courage to throw them all away right now. Im anxious about the future and feel like I need them if something happens. But I can't say no when they're in front of me. I'm too far gone. I flushed about half if not more of what's left of my prescription. 

Im absolutely miserable from the lack of sleep, my lips are on fire from licking them because I'm always dehydrated, My eyes are blood shot with tinges of yellow. 

I think a lot of my problem comes from insecurities and not loving myself enough to actually stop.

I have to go to a function tomorrow and I know I will take some. My plan is to get through this event and throw out the remainder of my pills. I'm so much healthier when I'm not on it! I just want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed so I can start moving forward. 

[livey12]

1 hour ago, Jan said:

Hi. I cant sleep and I just stumbled on this site. I am a mother of three great kids in a very "perfect people and judgmental upper class area". The first time I tried it, I did so for the energy and potential happy feeling i was told I should get. That was with only 5 mg in me and boy did it work!. Its been 13.5 years since that day and (with a few different short and longer term breaks) I have been using it, abusing it at times, wishing for it, waiting for my next script of it, dreaming about it, panicking about it, and learning to live with the way i am now. In all honesty, I've also had some amazingly happy times from it! I had many years of being stunningly fit, happy, and attractive because of it and I am glad I got to know what it feels like to look amazing in a bikini especially while being a well known supermom and wife by everyone in town. Those days are over now though. I still take it somewhat regularly but now I am divorced, secluded from the public for the most part by choice, and worst of all.... I am huge! I gained over one hundred pounds in a few months over a year ago and this is just what i am now. 

Hi Jan, 

i often would become very obsessive about it before I truly realized I had a legetimate problem. I would count them and mark the days on the calendar when I could go pick them up the earliest  whenever I ran out and became a walking zombie I would tear apart the house to look for a pill that maybe I'd lost. I would dream about them as well. Once I realized that I was a goner I stopped some obsessive behaviors. I've accepted the fact that I have a problem and I learned how to manage those two weeks before I could get my script refilled.

when I first started taking adderall I worked out all the time and I was in the best shape of my life. When I moved I slowly stopped exercising and I gained about 10-15lbs. I always thought that I'd never be able to exercise without it. 

When I quit for around 50 days I pushed myself to exercise almost everyday. For the past 7 years anytime I took an adderall before the gym. I didn't have high expectations but unbuilt back a lot of endurance during those 50 days. I was so proud of doing it without my magic pill, I didn't understand why I had relied on it so much before hand. 

I had a series of stressful events happen within one week. That's when I relapsed for about a week and a half ( I tossed the rest of that script). By the time I felt better it was time for a refill. I got it refilled and this is day 2. 

Since I've relapsed (2 months), I've gone to the gym 2 times vs 5x a week before. I'm disappointed that I gave up my routine and hard earned progress. To stay up all night cleaning or engrossed in my phone. This is not living! 

change is scary but i have to quit doing this.  ? 

 

[Jan]

wow. Thanks for writing me. You will be in my prayers. I am proud of you. 

-Jan