I relapsed as a new Mom

[olivia115]

It’s spooky to read my old posts on here. I see that scared girl in my writing. I still feel so many of her insecurities. I had a baby last year and it didn’t take long for baby blues to turn to depression to needing a quick fix. Back to my old lover adderall. From that script until the one I just filled and binged; I never had control over it. I rationalized at one point that the addiction cycle I would go through each month was actually something that was good for me. I’d be high then crash and really tests my body’s and mind’s limits. As if the prescribed adversity would make me stronger and this was just how I would live. I was choosing addiction as my optimal setting. 

As a new Mom I am starting to see the cracks in this thought process. Differing energy levels, responsive levels, routines, can be wildly erratic during a month for me. For a baby this is not good. They can’t understand the causes for the differences in behavior, but they absolutely understand there is a difference.

I get caught up in mundane chores on it and my interactions with my baby are rushed so I can get back to chores. Then off it we lounge around and have less consistent routines. The father is supportive and present but also with his own issues that can complicate life.

Today is day 1 of no pills, but that’s happened every month, since I run through the pills so fast. So today is day 1 of redefining  what I want from life. The mother I want to be. The mother I can be. Today is my first day that I found out I loved something more than adderall...my daughter. I am willing to go through the discomfort of the initial crash, the panic next month when I know I could ask for my refill, but won’t; when I think to try to drink to excess to numb the discomfort but I’ll only drink in moderation; the sadness of feeling bored bc I have no weekend plans; the angst and anxiety of planning the week in advance and doing food shopping and meal prepping; the weight gain; feelings of inadequacy at work. 

I haven’t quit successfully yet. These discomforts seem like a pretty expensive price to pay for sobriety. Yet not having experienced sobriety, who am I to say it should be cheaper and easier? I have a feeling the cost matches the benefit.