Athletic Performance and More...

[returnofthemac]

Hey everybody, it's about time I shared my story and I do want to give a special shout out to a gentlemen on this site by the name of "Tomasso".  Let me explain why...  I've been a spectator of this site for so damn long, searching and finding some horrendous stories that in some ways would relate to mine, but never having the courage to come out of my comfort zone.  I guess you could say the main reason why I visit this site almost daily is well, because I need help and for every bad story there's at least 3 successful ones, giving me hope and belief that with everyone here WE and I CAN DO THIS!  This post may get "rambly" at times and might seem way off track but I'm trying my best at 4AM no Adderall in me and not tired for some reason.  Oh right, back to "Tomasso", well brother you pretty much inspired me to write based on your experiences with this wonder drug and sport, more specifically Soccer.

Let me start by saying, I've always considered myself a wise individual,  very athletic, extremely competitive and well soccer has and will always be my passion.  I never started abusing or using any amount of adderall until about age 24, I'm 28 now and to say these past 4 years have flown by would be a massive understatement, more like blinked my eyes by.  If that even makes sense lol but you guys know what I mean.  I probably used adderall only a handful of times at most between the ages 20-24 and that was mostly to stay up and cram before final exams.  Not surprisingly, I had amazing results, and whenever it seemed like i might not pass the course going into a final, boom magic, take a pill, study endlessly, actually find the topic interesting, ace the exam, finish with a solid grade.  To my amazement at that time i was in full control of this beast of a pill, not knowing later what other things i could improve my life with trapped inside this orange funny looking capsule.  

During my college years, again before the adderall, i was playing college soccer for my college.  We werent really considered a top college but where i come from playing any sort of college sport is a big deal.  It basically means your an elite level athlete and although we were one of the lesser quality college teams.  In my final year with them I was the captain and led the team to its most historic finish in history.  We had qualified for nationals which was basically unheard of at this particular college, but we got there by working extremely hard and knowing that this would be the last year of the teams exisistence.  I forgot to mention that before that year had started our college had made plan to axe the athletic program due to financial reasons.  Devistating i know, but i saw it as a challenge rather than a setback and well we only finished 4th at nationals it was an experience i will never ever forget.

Fast forward to the year after my historic year as captain, I had one year left of eligibility to play college sport.  My plan was obviously to stop playing college level as my whole heart was put into the college that had axed their athletic programs.  However, things took a quick turn when i recieved an email from a rival college basically asking me to play for them on scholarship for my 5th and final year.  Im a competitor, and of course the offer was to good to resist.  Some of my fellow teammates from my previous college joined me on this journey and we were about to play for a college which did have a reputation for athletics.  As a matter of fact, this was the very team we had beat en route to qualifying for nationals the previous year.  Did we deserve to beat them?  Honestly, its highly debatable, all i knew was that i respected this team and there coaches and i never thought id get an opportunity to play with them.  To my amazement they accepted me with open arms, I was even given the captaincy role which was extremely suprising as there were guys who had put 3 or 4 years into their program who probably deserved it more.  But, the coaches insisted it was given to me due to my natural leader qualities and my never ending drive.

The next parts I'm going to explain are going to be sad to say the least, but you really need to have played some sport or have an understanding from an athletes point of view to get where im coming from.  As a soccer player I always played defensive roles, more specifically the CDM position (central defensive midfielder).  For those of you who dont understand soccer, this is probably one of the most important positions on the pitch, you have to have amazing cardio, work ethic, vision, and well good CDM'S can dictate the pace of the game from that very position.  I loved that position, it was perfect for me as i loved defending and leading my teammates, working tirelessly, etc. the only thing that i lacked in my game was quality.  What i mean by quality was that my on the ball decision making wasnt always prime, but i made up for it in other ways aka working my ass off.  Anyways, as we worked through the pre season it became evident that i had weaknesses in that position, i wasnt playing for some scrumb college that worked hard for results anymore, i was playing for a college who demanded a certain type of football.  My best comparison would be to say they liked to do thing the "Barcelona" short passing, never giving up poession and HIGHLY skillful.  Unfortunately highly skillful wasnt in my box of tools so the CDM  position wasnt mine but they werent about to put me to the sidelines yet.  I ended up playing an entirely different position and became a RB for this college (right full-back).

All these changes,expectations, and demands were stressful to say the least, but like i said im a competior and i was willing to take on any challenge.  I actually found out about adderalls performance enhancing effects by mistake.  My friend always had a bunch of pills so it was easily accesible for me and i called him up as i had a pretty important mid-term coming up and i didnt want to start of my new college on the wrong foot academically.  Well after i aced the exam, i had to go to soccer practice  and prepare for the game we had coming up.  I couldnt believe what had gotten into me.  It's like tomasso explains, i didnt have to think anymore everything was executed naturally not to mention i was noticeably faster also.  That whole practice i was turning heads even the coaches were thinking something had changed in me.  I slowly began realizing what effect this drug had on my performance.  I was always a great player but this made me an animal and the once not so skillful me became an entirely skillful me.  That year i was very responsilbe with the drug as i knew i would grow tolerance, i would only use on game days anywhere between 10-20mg and well the results speak for themselves... i led that team to nationals finishing with a respectable silver medal (should have been gold, bad referree decision)

Fast forward to now, im 28 years old, i work in a dream job some would say making tons of money and just recently purchased my own home.  Yes purchased, and well it sad to think that i didnt come this far all on my own i believe i didnt and i think adderall is largely responsible for alot of my milestone success's.  I have my own adderall prescription for about 2 years now on 30 mg p/day and as you all know im here because well i just dont want to live this life anymore, adderall hardly works anyways and well it might be great looking back on what i achieved on it, ive left several childhood friendships behind, isolated family members and dont even play soccer or excersize anymore, most importantly... i want my old self back.  To be completely honest, i loved the old me and i know its a simple solution to get back to that its just so hard sometimes.  Work at low doses or no doses is almost unbareable but i own a house now i cant just leave my job i need to get paid.  Waking up in the mornings is the worst, i cant even function until i have a double caffiene coffee and at least some sort of dose.  Most recently ive tapered down to 15mgs / day ive been on this dose for about a week with decent results.  i actually went for a run the other day and that was extreremly satisfying but im so damn sore now i havent had the energy to go and achieve that again.  Ive tried kratom and that stuff is a miracle when it comes to killing urges but sadly that stuff is just as addicting but even worse cause the effects are short lasting and it tastes so fcking bad! lol  Ive done all the dopamine depleting research and well quite frankly ive spent hundreds on supplments in search of just something that will mildly take away my earge and help me to recover and function normally again.  

For those of you who actually took the time to read all this, i commend you and thank you my appreciation is beyond words.  I am very sorry about all the spelling and grammar errors im just so damn tired now its 5am and ill hopefully edit this later.  I just want to be heard, and anyone with any decent suggestions for quitting are welcomed.  Like a supplement guide or daily regime that helped something like that.  

WE CAN DO THIS !

 

[quit-once]

Welcome to the forums!  Thanks for sharing your story.  It sounds like you are well on your way to quitting for good.  My advice would be to continue with your taper and make a plan to finally cease taking the drug and purge your remaining stash, then move on and embrace your recovery.  These forums provide great support, and as you probably already know, there is a ton of useful information articles and other links on the main page of this website.  

One tip I would like to share with you is the tagging feature, which notifies a member when they have been mentioned in a post.  All you need to do is place the @ sign in front of their username, like this: @returnofthemac.  I mention this because you have expressed appreciation to @Tomasso for his contributions.  There are lots of other cool features on the forums like private messaging and visiting the profile pages of different members that help provide a sense of community from this online forum.