Just need to vent

[Geometric11]

hi everyone -

I relapsed a month ago after almost 1 year off of this medication. Why? I don't know. I have a million justifications in my mind but at this point, it doesn't really matter. I already feel hogtied - I'm scared. If anyone has some hopeful experiences to share - that would be helpful. Just hearing that others have gone through this, relapsed, 1, 2 even 3 times and somehow stopped again, that would be great. I often wonder why I feel like life is so difficult to get through emotionally, when I know so many people who seem to breeze through it.

thank you.

[eric]

DISCLAIMER: Some of this post is me venting which helps me deal with my struggles as well, hope it isn't too long and helped you in some sort of way.

I abused adderall and vyvanse for over 5 years and as you saw in my other post I'm currently on my 19th day clean.  I've "quit" numerous times over the years and most of the time I would get 2-3 weeks in and cave.  The longest I went without taking anything was 30 days back in November of 2016. 

I remember feeling so amazing that November and ready for a change but I somehow had that urge come over to take one from a friend right before we were going to Vegas.  We were actually at the airport and the urge hit me so suddenly that its hard to explain how intense the feeling was, the addiction literally hijacked my brain in a matter of seconds and threw everything positive out the door .  It's insane to think how I was completely fine and excited about the trip and without it being offered or anything the thought raced into my head "this would be even more exciting if I were on addie, this isn't natural to be this happy" and its like I blacked out or something cause I asked if they had any and if I could have one. Without a second thought I popped it and came too, it was a horrible feeling after I swallowed it followed by an amazing feeling 30 minutes later and asking myself "why did i quit in the first place? this stuff is great"....fast forward a few hours and I had so much remorse/guilt and felt like a failure. Barely enjoyed the vacation and was a zombie and continued to take them when there and after I got back from the trip.

Today is the longest I've been off meds since that quit in November of 2016. I've tried numerous times to quit since then but never had the same desire to quit like I do now because I felt so deflated from how easily I gave in to my addiction.  As you can tell I still remember that day at the airport and how amazing I felt before the urge came on and how ruined I felt after taking it. I have finally held onto those memories and use them as a learning experience to counter my addictive thoughts when they start.

Sooooo... everyone goes thru recovery differently.  My buddy has been clean for almost 4 years and made recovery seem so easy yet I couldn't find the strength to quit.  It was kind of disheartening for me to see him breeze right thru the weeks, months, and years even though he abused pills worse than I did before he quit.  I almost became convinced that I would be on them till they killed me.  Thankfully on the night of July 29 I convinced myself again that I can do this and that my life has only gotten worse from being on meds. In the past I would stop taking them and not work my recovery and by that I mean not come to this site, not reflect on why I quit, not count my days, not do anything to help build up a foundation for a post adderall life.  This time I'm doing things differently and have my own lessons to reflect back upon that caused me to relapse when i get that craving.

In conclusion, recovery is not the same for everyone and is an ongoing process.  People have different situations, emotions, and rock bottoms and these all play a major part in getting clean.  Some of us are able to quit once and some have to go thru more hell than others.  ONE thing we ALL have in common is that we cannot use this terrible drug again cause it only leads to pain and misery. 

[Geometric11]

Thank you for sharing your experience. it helps knowing that this shitty experience is not abnormal and others have gone through it. sometimes I forget that I'm not the only person with certain afflictions. I relate to your experience of feeling like the drug took you over. laying in bed last night, I was praying and working up the mental courage to decide not to take it in the morning. I always do this at bedtime. I become filled with fear and an urgency to stop taking it. I lasted until noon. I've been crying on and off all day and I'm feeling a bit hopeless.

When I quit last August, it was ayahuasca that pushed me to quit. Before, I never had the ability to go longer than a few days. I was always so afraid of the withdrawal phase, the emotional purge, the inability to function, the dullness. I did several ayahuasca ceremonies last fall/winter and it helped tremendously. But ayahuasca also brings up lots of other buried issues that need to be worked out. without proper support, daily integration and a healthy lifestyle - it is easy to fall back into old patterns. I started getting back into music I had put down years ago. I felt so good that I began hanging out with old friend groups, going to shows and continued seeing a man that was bad for me. I fell out of the ayahuasca and natural healing sphere and began binge drinking on the weekends, smoking weed and cigarettes. my health declined, I felt very close to quitting my job because my adhd symptoms were out of control due to the super unhealthy lifestyle. That, coupled with my kid coming home from a two month summer visit with family pushed me into thinking adderall would be helpful. I also lied to myself thinking "I will take breaks." "I wont take it everyday." ha!

[eric]

@Geometric11 Hope things are going okay for you today...I know exactly what your going thru cause I've done it so many times.  Feel free to vent, just know I'm rooting for ya and sending good vibes your way!!! I'm day 20 today which has seemed impossible for the past couple years. I'm just taking it one day at a time and enjoying my Sunday as a clean person and its not perfect but its better than being tweaked out anyday!!! Hang in there!!

[Geometric11]

They are better. This morning was tough, but I took l-tyrosene, 5-HTP and other supplements like fish oil. it seems to have helped. I also spoke with a very supporting teacher/friend who helped me put things into perspective. I was feeling a lot of shame for relapsing after almost 1 year, he helped me to remember that I did it once, I can do it again. Supportive people are the best. Let's see how tomorrow goes.  I have to work  Hope your day is going well Eric!

[eric]

Glad to hear you got thru the day without taking meds and it sounds like that’s a great friend to have supporting you going forward. You’ve done it once before and you can do it even better this time cause you learned something from it.

I was actually in a treatment center (for alcohol) for 30 days back in 2012 and heard so many stories from all types of users. What I learned is people make mistakes, some more than others, and you can’t focus on the guilt or shame of a relapse. It’s just part of recovery sometimes.  All you can do is learn from it and focus on moving forward cause the guilt will just make it worse and you can’t change what’s been done.

Just focus on getting thru one hour at a time at work tomorrow and you will feel so rewarded when you get done. You got this!!! And my day was not perfect, I was pretty fatigued, but I’m just paying my dues for over 5 years of abuse. Better than being a slave to the drug tho. Good luck!!!