i told docs i was abusing addy they put me back on it

[mj1359]

I have been on adderrall for years and overtime dealt with a ridiculous degree of side effects. The medication worked so well for me but prevented me from getting sufficient sleep. I don’t know where things took a turn for the worse exactly…to make a long story short I began taking more than my 60mg a day dosage. I mostly did this to avoid having to deal with a mind blowing breakup -and to keep going. In turn, I began throwing myself into my work and I got addicted to it – both my work and adderrall. I had my fallout months here and there where I would take a month or two off and reset myself. Then I was prescribed klonopin for anxiety. The combo of the two led to complete destruction. I’d take adderall for days and pop a klonopin in whenever I felt tweaked out or my body hurt. I didn’t WANT to sleep -I hated it. And I wasnt going to regardless so I rationed taking another adderrall to be productive.

For 6 months I probably slept 20-30 hours a week. I could stay up for 3-4 days no problem. I had mastered it. One day though, something in my head clicked -on or off…I’m not sure. But nothing was ever the same and hasn’t been to this day.

I had a mental landslide. I didn’t know what was going on….people could tell I was on something. It started to affect every aspect of my life. I switched from klonopin to ativan at one point hoping it would help but I went through the script even quicker than my adderrall. To give you an idea of my adderrall tolerance at times I’d have to take 4 30mg pills at once. I always took 2 to start off my day regardless. One day I took 10 30mg XR’s and couldnt even get out of bed. It did nothing for me! Ultimately my mental state almost completely deteriorated. For months I tried to get a grip on my usage. I quit cold turkey for about a monrh or so but truth be told since I’d go through a whole prescription in a week and be out for 3 I’m sure it made no difference. *Note- for the 6 months I went nonstop I had 2 prescriptions. Finally, after staying up for 7 days straight I went to my psychologist and doctor and fessed up. Believe me I wouldnt have done this had I not been so cracked out. They werent even concerned about the amount I was taking or the psychological and physical damages that I may have caused myself. Instead they diagnosed me to be bipolar and put me on tegretol.

Ten days later I decided to check myself involuntarily into the psychiatric unit. There I was observed and was told that my manic states of bipolar occur bc I am so up and outgoing and essentially hyper. I dont have that depressive down side – but apparently thats the normal part. So then I am put on invega sister to syroquil. This was a very sedated numb feeling. I felt nothing. I took that with the tegretol expected to stabilize my mood. but here’s the kicker: THEY PUT ME BACK ON ADDERRALL.

I took such high doses for so long, to be honest, taking the normal dosage makes me feel like complete shit. It’s so bad, in fact, that I’d rather not take it at all. I also noticed the adderrall wasnt working as well combined with the other meds.

Ultimately I quit all of them one afternoon. And I felt more even keel than I had in a long time.

The doctor’s didnt care to examine that I wasn’t sleeping bc of the adderrall and that exceeding my normal dose was causing me extreme anxiety and paranoia, More importantly the lack of sleep put me in a complete manic state of mind. It would anyone. Anyone who takes adderrall reguarly knows how it can affect your emotions. -You don’t have any! but eventually all that bottled up feeling has to come out. Not to mention the effect benzos have on someone’s state of mind.

My point to this is that for a minute I let doctors who didn’t care to take the time to get to know the real situation convince me I was bipolar. Not only that but it validated my adderrall usage.

The psychologist in the hospital verbatim told me I am not bipolar and to just get back on adderrall and take it the right way.

I quit taking adderrall for 60 days and then I went back thinking to myself I could never go down that road again. I cant sustain the lifestyle anymore but Im 6 days into it and I’ve taken way more than I should have already. Sad part is taking a bunch throughout the day doesn’t do anything for my focus. It is a waste of the pills. I don’t know how to get control of it- or find that balance. I know that I am chasing the high that it gave me the first time I ever took it but it will never come back. And if I could only just find balance I probably wouldnt be exhausted after day one and could take my normal dose. But being doa requires more just to stay awake.

does anyone know how i can stop doing this and find the balance/ what do i do

[Greg]

I CANT believe they re prescribed adderall after you fessed up to being addicted! That's unbelievable. It just goes to show how much doctors know. When I was first prescribed stimulants which was ritalin at the time, my doctor SWORE to me that stimulants were NOT ADDICTIVE. I would never have gone on the meds if I knew what would happen to me...

Hang in there. I've been on the same dosages as you. I definitely remember the feeling of not wanting to go to sleep and staying up for days and days and days. I was also taking Kolonipan or xanax with the adderall. Needed pills to wake up, stay awake, relax, and go to sleep...

As you probably know, if you keep taking it at that dosage, the side effects are going to get really bad and eventually you will say again 'enough is enough' and stop again. Why not do that today?

I think one of the biggest things that helped me in my first days of recovery was just allowing myself to NOT BE A SUPERSTAR in the things I did. Psychologically, I allowed myself to be way below average all the time. I also slept a lot and before long months had passed and the desire to go back on the meds became less and less...

Eventually I hated the pills and what they did to me and started to appreciate who I am off the pills and regret the person I was while on the pills. Hating the sleepless, malnourished, chain smoking, doctor shopping, extremely paranoid, robot I became gives me the MOTIVATION to never go back to adderall...

[filo]

I'm surprised the doctor didn't recommend dextroamphetamine or dexedrine. Stay of the SSRI drugs, they will screw you up royaly. Dexedrine is much more smoother and for many people when you stop it, there really isn't a bad crash at all like with adderrall. It may be worth discussing with your doctor. Good luck.

[Freedom's Wings]

Mj1359,

Find a new doctor, tell him/her your issues up front. Tell them the story you just told us.Tell them you cant be trusted with adderall, that it has grown much past the point of return or any rational control. Tell them you need help that can not be provided for with a pill and then ask them if they can help and what are your options. tell them you are asking them to see you as one of their own, their child or something, anything other than just a patient. Sounds drastic, i know but drastic times call for drastic measures. and if not now then when? You're going to have to take the first step which is ALWAYS the hardest, thus expect it to be. However, it does get easier, you can no longer afford to carry all the mental, physical,emotional and spiritual torture and taxing all on your own. and 1 good person in support of your recovery is better than 10 others just standing around watching you decline, and/or then writing you off as crazy or as a casualty of war. War being the money they all make from this crap!

You gotta find a way to take a stand for yourself and mean it, This is first and most important step. everything else comes thereafter. Keep coming to this site, for people like us or in our situation, the camaraderie is invaluable. You can do it, Praying for you. Be well until next time.

Wingzzzz