You were right.

[GirlScottie]

The last time I wrote on here, I told everyone that I was quitting. 9 days clean I told everyone that I was finally feeling good(ish). I said I was done and shared my enthusiasm about supplements and yoga. I was determined. I ignored the advice to cutting off the supply. I thought I'd be able to have the script just lingering in the background, you know, for the "just in case". Out of sight, out of mind. Except it was never out of mind. I knew there was 5 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes until I could re-new. I let the lies comfort me and the cycle continued. 

Fast forward to today. the lies comforted me for 3 weeks. I really was feeling human again. I forgot what it was like to laugh- that can't stop, belly hurting, tears in eyes kind of laugh . I forgot how nice it is to fall asleep with my boyfriend at a normal time. I was able to spend real time with my son without the desire to rather to doing something "productive". I started to speak without slurring my words.Without zoning out. 

During my 3 weeks clean, I made a comment to my boyfriend how I feel half dead and depressed. He replied that I probably never felt more alive. He was right. But September 20th still came- "this will be the last time"

It's been 3 days w/ a 70mg script. I have 4 left. I can see clearly how these pills change my personality and goals in life. I decided this is it, no more! Fuck this drug. I want the full human experience. Only this time,I let my Dr know. I ignored the screaming voice saying that  need them. That I can just not fill the next script. But fuck that, I cut off the supply. 

Should have listened the first time. 

[NurseAddy]

@GirlScottie Your story is much like mine, as I too remember the countdown to a refill all too well. We have all relapsed COUNTLESS times, so don’t get down on yourself for that. Better yet, get behind yourself and push towards that sobriety you’re now vested into again! You can do this! We can do this! I’m currently ‘only’ on day 13 and I can feel the life coming back into me. I laugh again, I fall asleep at normal times with my boyfriend and not zoning out everyone except the pills. Forget the past and focus on the future, without the ‘ball and chain’ of pills! Good luck!

[eric]

@GirlScottie Congrats on cutting off the supply. You can and will get your life back if you want it bad enough. I'm still in shock that I'm clean and have only craved the drug on a few occasions since I took that final pill on the evening of July 29.  I quit multiple times in the past with a crazy amount of enthusiasm but would fall off the wagon within a few weeks.  This time I got honest with myself and decided enough was enough and had to internalize how horrible I was feeling and it will ALWAYS be like that if I ever took one again.

The first few weeks I tried to do the bare minimum at work and home. I'd get home in the evenings and force myself to do chores and read my sons books but also laid in bed and watched a lot of Netflix, Hulu, and YouTube. I watched A LOT of Intervention on Hulu, I could never watch that show in the past cause it made me feel like shit but I honestly think it was a major help in recovering.  I was always rooting for the person at the end of the episode and it made me see how those people could get better so I can do it too. On YouTube theres a guy called CGKid and he has a lot of videos talking about drug use and interviewed people that are in recovery.  Some of the people he interviewed were recovering from Adderall, and I also feel like the people recovering from meth had stories that could hit close to home for some of us that binged on adderall.

When laying around I wouldn't be negative about the crappy way I was feeling, I would almost embrace it and simply tell myself, "well your just recovering from the damage you've done to your body for the last 5 years, this is just a step to getting my back life that everyone that hasn't gotten clean has to go through. Now its my turn".

Basically you have to make the first 6 weeks all about recovery, maybe watch some Intervention, find stories on YouTube, visit and participate on this site often. Just focus on getting yourself better during that time! You will more than likely gain weight, feel lethargic, have memory loss, and feel nothing at times while other times you may feel complete rage, anger, regret, but you will also feel real happiness and an appreciation for life. But YOU have to be ready to do it for yourself and be honest that just taking one pill isn't in the cards anymore.  My life has improved so much since quitting, I'm actually feeling some decent energy and my memory loss is no where near what it was a month ago.  I've still got a long ways to go in recovery but quitting is nowhere near as scary as the thought of continuing to take that damn drug is. You CAN do this!!!

-Currently Day 58 and happy to look forward while not forgetting the past...