Day 1

[DelaneyJuliette]

Okay, here we go!  It's my first official day 1!  (Again, lol, but this time I mean it.)  I have a minor  outpatient surgery this morning and I took the rest of the week off.  I feel pretty much prepared to stop (at least physically), as I have been decreasing dosage over the last 6 days after my last adderall/benzo fueled 4-day bender last week.  Yesterday I only had 5mg of Adderall and 5mg of Klonapin.  I have been on an emotional rollercoaster the past week - withdrawal sucks!  I'm hopeful it won't be so bad now that I've spent a week taking less and less.  I do have a ton of anxiety though, but I am committed.  I will be accountable too!  I'll check back in later!  I'm grateful for the support and it helps just knowing others get it and I'm not alone!  

[LuLamb]

Hi DelaneyJ-Good for you! I’ll be thinking about you and sending good mojo your way. You can do this!!!

[LILTEX41]

Hi Delaney! How you doing???  You hanging in there???

[DelaneyJuliette]

I am!!!  Today is Day 3!  Thank you for checking on me!  

[LuLamb]

Good for you!!! 

Today is Day 59. 

Curiously, for the first time ever, I find myself seeing a new client who is in recovery from Adderall. He has 6 months of abstinence. I found it refreshing and inspiring. It did get my jonesing a little bit talking so much about it, but that's no surprise. Ironically, my next client after him has been taking Adderall for a little while. She came in and I could see her bottle of it in her open purse. She had to run back out to her car for a minute and left her purse sitting open on my couch. For a split-second, I imagined grabbing the bottle and stealing one of the pills. I imagined her counting them later; realizing one was missing, and wondering if I was the culprit. I chose not to act on this and in the next second I was past it and she was back and we held our session. 

Adderall is everywhere. If I really want to use, I can. 

I'm really enjoying the my new vegan diet. I feel much better. I bought a vegan cookbook and have enjoyed trying out some of the recipes. Typically, I have not wanted want to deal with food unless or until I'm starving and then am just shoving whatever into my face. It's been challenging in a good way, to do some planning. And ultimately, very rewarding to be taking care of my body in a nice way that's also delicious. 

Yesterday I was particularly struck by how much empathy and compassion I was having for my clients. And it was a good feeling. It felt like I was more present and more connected both to myself and my clients. This is definitely PROGRESS!!! 

[DelaneyJuliette]

26 minutes ago, LuLamb said:

For a split-second, I imagined grabbing the bottle and stealing one of the pills. I imagined her counting them later; realizing one was missing, and wondering if I was the culprit. I chose not to act on this and in the next second I was past it and she was back and we held our session. 

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Yesterday I was particularly struck by how much empathy and compassion I was having for my clients. And it was a good feeling. It felt like I was more present and more connected both to myself and my clients. This is definitely PROGRESS!!! 

1.  It was so refreshing to read that in your post; I have done that before. 

2. I hope that I feel that way too after 2 months.  I have a tough couple of days coming up next week where I am WAY over-scheduled.  I am scared it's going to be a big trigger but I will make it through.  

[LILTEX41]

That's so awesome you two!!  Keep it up!  

Although I am not in the trenches of adderall addiction anymore, I can relate now from coming clean of kratom.  I am on day 32 today and it's been a whirlwind.  I took it daily for 4.5 months straight and it seriously took the first 3 weeks to get the acute withdrawals over and done with.  Week 4 was insane because the acute phase of withdrawals ended, but my craving for alcohol came back full force (170 days clean from all substances + 32 days kratom free). Anyhow, what I discovered this past week was the crazy brain fog had finally lifted and I am completely back to my old self again.  My relationships with people are coming back to life!  I was so consumed by alcohol/drugs for past almost 3 years, it's like everything else had vanished to the way side.  I just feel like I feel everything so much more and I am so raw today in the best of ways.  

It makes me sad I abandoned myself for all that time, but good AF again to be back and feeling better than ever!  I like being present today more than I ever did before. I like waking up after actually sleeping a full 8 hours feeling refreshed.  I love that I am not trapped by any addiction..you know the constant searching, waiting, trying to get the next buzz, coming down from the high, and then trying to get the high again. OR the times you do get it, but it's nowhere as potent as the last time and you need more than before.  What an exhausting experience!  And I love relishing in the fact that each day I don't do it, I am one step further away from it, one day stronger, and one day freer from it than the day before.  One day none of this will be a struggle anymore.  It has gotten so much progressively better for me and I'm so grateful I quit and moving in the right direction again.  

The fact the thought arose and you didn't act on it was HUGE!  Keep doing that and delight in the joy that you beat your addictive voice!  I keep imagining the gremlin in my brain and then I swing at him from within my brain and knock him the F out of my ear.  LOL.  Bye bye monster!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

2 hours ago, LILTEX41 said:

And I love relishing in the fact that each day I don't do it, I am one step further away from it, one day stronger, and one day freer from it than the day before.  One day none of this will be a struggle anymore.  It has gotten so much progressively better for me and I'm so grateful I quit and moving in the right direction again.  

I did have 6 years or so completely substance free and this was my experience also!  It's so interesting how easy it is for me to forget this now.  It's so interesting how the past 5 or so years I slowly made my way back into THE EXACT SAME STATE i was in before I went ASF (abusive substance free)  , only before it was with Ritalin and alcohol and this time it was with Adderall and Benzos.  So funny how much I wasn't willing to acknowledge that before.  But it's SO TRUE.  I have to remember that every single day helps.  AND recognize that I do have anxiety and that isn't likely to go away anytime soon but I can manage it.  And be okay. 

[LuLamb]

2 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

I have a tough couple of days coming up next week where I am WAY over-scheduled.  I am scared it's going to be a big trigger but I will make it through.  

Why not clear your schedule some? What's the worst that could happen? My clients have always been incredibly understanding when I have had to cancel. Your recovery needs to be more important than whatever your clients are going through. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

30 minutes ago, LuLamb said:

Why not clear your schedule some? What's the worst that could happen? My clients have always been incredibly understanding when I have had to cancel. Your recovery needs to be more important than whatever your clients are going through. 

I already cleared it for this week - took the whole week off.  Next week is the last week before 2 weeks of holiday break.  I am making excuses but I wouldn't even know who to cancel or how to determine who to cancel.  Plus, I really need to look at my bigger picture calendar.  I am only actually "in" the office 3 days a week, but I have those days scheduled really long.  I really feel like I need my 2 days where I get other stuff done, but Idk.  I'm not going to worry about it right now b/c it's super overwhelming to try to figure out LOL!!

[LuLamb]

I totally understand. You might find it helpful to have to see clients. It has been helpful for me to go the office and see clients. I may not feel like it some of the time, but I’m better for it after I’ve focused all of my attention on other people and their issues for a few hours. It eases my burden, makes it feel more manageable...

[LILTEX41]

16 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

I did have 6 years or so completely substance free and this was my experience also!  It's so interesting how easy it is for me to forget this now.  It's so interesting how the past 5 or so years I slowly made my way back into THE EXACT SAME STATE i was in before I went ASF (abusive substance free)  , only before it was with Ritalin and alcohol and this time it was with Adderall and Benzos.  So funny how much I wasn't willing to acknowledge that before.  But it's SO TRUE.  I have to remember that every single day helps.  AND recognize that I do have anxiety and that isn't likely to go away anytime soon but I can manage it.  And be okay. 

Honestly, that really makes me feel so much better about my slip up so thank you so much for sharing!  I got clean 11.12.10 and then had a really good chunk of time completely free of all drugs/alcohol up until 4/2017 minus a 5 month drinking bender and some other random binges here and there.  I do feel that each time I've started it all up again I've learned a lot about what led up to it and now working to fix those issues so I can stay clean and free moving forward.  One thing I noticed about people with long term recovery is a lot of them plugged into some type of program and I think that's really important for accountability sake.  I'm trying to start a Smart Recovery meeting at my church and waiting to hear back from my pastor.  I know if I'm in charge of that I will stand a way greater chance of not going back to all of it this time.  Fingers crossed he says yes!  

How was your 6 years substance free?  Do you remember what precipitated the slip? 

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/12/2019 at 8:29 AM, LILTEX41 said:

Honestly, that really makes me feel so much better about my slip up so thank you so much for sharing!  I got clean 11.12.10 and then had a really good chunk of time completely free of all drugs/alcohol up until 4/2017 minus a 5 month drinking bender and some other random binges here and there.  I do feel that each time I've started it all up again I've learned a lot about what led up to it and now working to fix those issues so I can stay clean and free moving forward.  One thing I noticed about people with long term recovery is a lot of them plugged into some type of program and I think that's really important for accountability sake.  I'm trying to start a Smart Recovery meeting at my church and waiting to hear back from my pastor.  I know if I'm in charge of that I will stand a way greater chance of not going back to all of it this time.  Fingers crossed he says yes!  

How was your 6 years substance free?  Do you remember what precipitated the slip? 

Well I am very glad that I could make an impact on you too!   It's interesting b/c I have a love/hate relationship with sobriety dates.  On one hand, they help keep me sober.  On the other hand, they make a slip up turn into a big fuck it.  I was in AA for those years (I really should figure out how long it actually was... I notice I keep saying different numbers of years, but I honestly don't remember.  It was somewhere between 6 and 8 ... oh wait my son is 8... so maybe it was 5 years??)  Wow I really have a distorted sense of time in general lol.  Anyway, what preciptated the slip was that I convinced myself it wasn't a slip.  I legit do have ADD so I convinced myself that it would be fine to take ADD meds as prescribed.  And I did.  Until I didn't.  The 6 years (or 5 years?! LOL) was great.  And when I look back, I can remember that I was able to do all of the things off of Adderall that I did on it.  But I could never get off of it again for good once I was on it.  I absolutely LOVE smart recovery.  Def start a meeting if you can!  There are no in person smart meetings near me, but I do online ones sometimes.  I have a love/hate relationship with 12 steps lol.  I don't plan to go back to the program, but I don't dislike it so much anymore either.  I know what works from the program and I am implementing that in my own life.  Including accountability and connection.  I do wish there was an easy way to be around a bunch of other sober people other than 12-steps, but it is what it is.  I am also an addiction therapist (among a million other types of therapy i do, not only substance abuse) but that is ironic as well lol.  or not actually.  b/c no one doing substances is actually unique -- when we're using, we're predictable (including thinking we're unique).    I honestly don't mean to sound like I am judging anyone else -- anyone can be however they want to be.  I'm only speaking about me and what I've learned.  I sometimes get scared that I sound like I am projecting how "other people are" and b/c that has been done to me for so much of my life I am very sensitive to it.  

On 12/12/2019 at 8:29 AM, LILTEX41 said: