DelaneyJuliette Posted December 21, 2019 Report Share Posted December 21, 2019 I'm on Day 11. I just want to cry. I'm still supposed to pack up me and 4 kids and leave to have my husband drive 16 hours to visit my parents for the holidays. We were supposed to leave at 4:30pm today and I still haven't started packing and it's 7:30pm. I don't know what is wrong with me. (Oh yeah... as someone posted a week or so ago... I guess I keep forgetting that I just kicked a 10 year adderall addiction cold turkey.) My husband is in a super bad mood b/c he is overtired and when he gets like this he takes it out on me. I am so angry at him b/c all I want is his support and I know that is not a place I can get support right now. Okay, I can do this. I can do this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted December 21, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2019 Okay, I made it through! That was seriously the closest call I've had so far. I kept telling myself that 5mg wouldn't be a problem. That the reason it had gotten so bad was b/c I was comining the benzos and adderall. That I am legitimately prescribed it. That it has been enough time so that I would actually feel 5mg again and I wouldn't have to take more. That I would only take it to help me pack and then it would wear off and I would go to bed. In those moments it felt inevitable that I would return to taking Adderall again at some point, in some small irregular amount, so I kept hearing myself justify, "why not tonight then? it would make things so. much. easier." BUT I DIDN'T. I am so grateful that I didn't. I didn't pack. I just hung out with my kids and went to bed. (And OMG, my daughter learned to ride her bike without training wheels in that time, even though I didn't pack!) I feel bad b/c the kids are going to be disappointed that we didn't leave in the middle of the night (and I have no idea what time we will actually be able to make it out of the house today - I still feel overwhelmed with all the tasks ahead of me) BUT what I know is that i just weathered another huge trigger. I just made another milestone. I can do this. And, maybe I borrow from AA for a moment and tell myself that I just am not going to do it today. I can borrow from the sober curious movement and tell myself that I'm doing an experiment where I go without any ADD meds for a year. Just a year, and then I can re-evaluate. (I think that will help me get through the self-justification talk that "it's not like I'm going to go the rest of my LIFE without ever taking it again, so why not now?" (and fyi, i commit that i won't go a full year and decide to take it again without posting here first.) actually i wonder if i can commit to myself that before taking it ever i post here first. That's an interesting thought. I feel like if i get back into that "i'm def going to do it" space, telling this forum first will NOT be pleasant. I want to commit to that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
m34 Posted December 21, 2019 Report Share Posted December 21, 2019 Good job on not taking any @DelaneyJuliette. The holidays are a huge trigger. I’m so ready for January 1 so I can hide again! I have family flying in today, messy house, half a grocery list completed, and I’m still in bed. Not good. Thankfully, it’s my own family and not in-laws. My family can just understand this mess a little more. Although my own family thinks I need meds, but that’s a whole different convo. In law “fun” starts next week. GoD help us all through the holidays. If I had some ADD meds laying around there is no wAy I wouldn’t take it. Grateful I don’t have any..I guess. i just need to get up and start!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted December 21, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2019 My husband takes it per his prescription (he doesn't misuse it or over use it) so thats why I still "have it." I haven't packed yet. I feel totally paralyzed. I know it will all be okay though and having made it through last night I am not going to take any now. Ugh, man though, i wish i could push a magic button and be packed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted December 21, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2019 Still packing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DelaneyJuliette Posted December 23, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 23, 2019 I made it to NC without using! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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